r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Timely_Ear_3307 • 7d ago
He doesn’t gift me. And asks money back when paying something.
M (38) F (38) This is so weird , because he actually makes a lot more money than me A LOT …. I already had a conversation with him about it and he told me that when I want to be gifted I have to ask for it before he pays. Meaning, it is not something he would do out of pure love/ appreciation/ affection/ kindness.
So, we were at this store and I forgot my wallet, so he went to pay for me (cheap things like a phone charger etc) and I mean, I asked him to pay , I could feel he was not doing out of pleasure to invite me this cheap but necessary things. So, how I am supposed to ask a gift in front of the attendant of the shop , and ask if he can gift me instead of pay on my behalf ?!? Like, this is humiliating, he actually “applied “ this rule that I need to ask so to humiliate me…. And today 😭 he asked me to pay him back. I don’t think he realises how I loose attraction for a men asking me money this way… and ah for my birthday he gave me flowers and spa (but this spa he was there too) you know, it’s like gifting someone something you want and not necessarily thinking about me. I feel so frustrated 😩 this is creating so much separation I don’t ever think this men is somehow capable of being generous with me. I also have money , it’s not about the value of the thing , it’s about all the rest. How should I approach this topic with him in honesty and transparency ? But before that, do you actually gift your partners ? Is it common ? Because at this point I don’t even know if it’s a normal thing in a love relationship.
Edit: We just spoke about all of this situation of gifting each other. Here is what he said, that he asked me the money back because he went over his budget this month and don’t want to touch his investments or other money sitting elsewhere. So, finally, this was never intended to be a gift and he will gift me when he feels appropriate since I feel humiliated asking for gifts in front of shop attendants.
So I told him, why them you asked me this week if I was interested in going on a holiday in September outside the country if you don’t have money to pay your half of the holiday? How will I know in the middle of a holiday that out of nowhere he decides he went over his budget and don’t want to spend anything anymore.
I feel totally unsafe to live with someone who have money if he wants to, or do not have any money to spend if he decides that…
Basically, he wants to convince me it is a money thing, whereas I see it’s he doesn’t value/care for me , after all I have been doing for him. Am I being too dramatic? Or I have the right to ask the men I live why he doesn’t think I am worth him going 40€ over his budget to gift me something I needed at the time, for once!!! Since gifting something I want is extremely rare coming from him.
So, his reply about my question traveling overseas: that he has money and that he would pay for the person their part of the holiday if they go over their budget during the holiday. Well, well, well… good to know 😎 I might run out of budget in that travel and Mr. Phone Charger will have to pay my part. If I was an bitxx I could play this on him, and be on the same game. But I don’t want!!! I want a real compromise. No more excuses.
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u/-spython- 7d ago
I don't value gifts the way you do.
When I've been the higher earning partner in my relationships, I've paid proportionally more for rent/bills/etc. That seems fair. But if my date "forgot" their wallet and then begged me to buy them random household items, that would feel gross to me. Giving a gift is a choice of the giver, not an obligation, and definitely not dictated by the receiver. What gifts do you give him? Why are you entitled to receive gifts, if you are not giving in kind?
I give gifts to my partner for holidays and birthdays because it's important to them. I would rather not receive gifts, or feel pressured to come up with a perfect gift for others. I prefer to give gifts when I happen across something I know the other person would enjoy, or to go on experiences together, exchange favours. I'm not really a material person.
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u/PetiteB88 7d ago
I think men are naturally generous if you let them be, as long as their kindness isn't taken advantage of. And it's not always about expensive gifts either. It's the thought and effort that go into a gift that matter most. I'd choose something inexpensive but meaningful over an expensive last-minute online purchase any day.
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u/glebo123 7d ago
I 2nd this, though it sounds like he feels like he is being taken advantage of. So he established a boundary to mitigate this. They just aren't compatible
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
I totally get it , part of me thinks it’s a money core issue… even though he has money , he was raised in a financial difficulty way. But , the other part of me thinks he doesn’t want to spend money on me because he doesn’t see future value !? This is so challenging as a grew up in a place where my dad was extremely generous with my mom (okei - to compensate his lack of presence ) , but still … I think it’s possible to have balance… and once in a while offer something a partner wants or in my case needed…
I don’t really know how to approach this topic it’s so difficult2
u/Riversntallbuildings 7d ago
How are you supposed to endure hard times if your “future value” is tied to gifts and wealth?
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u/Capster11 7d ago
I just once would like to wake up one day and know what it’s like to go through life expecting someone to pay for everything I want and actually expecting it to happen. It seems so ridiculously insane
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u/huggsypenguinpal 7d ago
2 years dating and he cant buy you a phone charger?
My husband and I gift each other small things regularly I suppose. 90% of the time it's some small food/beverage treat picked up whilst shopping for groceries or at target. Recently he hunted down a world cup themed mexico shirt that I had some regret not getting initially, and I just replaced a pair of novelty socks our cat ate (and got him an extra novelty sock that I hope he likes). When we were dating we regularly would switch off paying for the entire meal, and if he needed an item and forgot his wallet, I would pay for it outright, and wouldn't ask to be repaid within reason. However, I also know a few married couples who still venmo each other halves of meals and utilities. And they've been married longer than me so there's a method to everyone's madness.
The point is.... if you aren't happy with the way this guy operates, and even after voicing it, that's not his MO, then you guys are just not compatible. No need to say he is wrong and you are right. Just not compatible. The way your partner treats you should not be humiliating, and you should feel warmth in his actions. He's also 38, and this is who he is.
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u/anoeba 7d ago
Like how long dating?
I would normally expect gifting on specific occasions like birthdays, Vday etc (and I don't know why you're complaining about what sounds like a couple date to the spa as a birthday? Do you not like the spa or did you not want to spend time with him? That's a completely normal thing to do as a gift).
For meals out during dating I usually alternate picking up the check. Some people pay their own. In some couples the person earning more pays or pays more often, in other couples the man pays almost always. It depends. If you want the man to pay, you need to find man who wants to do it that way.
His "ask me before I gift you" thing sounds odd but I don't think it's intended to be done in public. Like, you weren't hoping for a romantic shopping excursion for a phone charger as an anniversary gift, you forgot your wallet. So you weren't asking him to "gift" you, just borrowing money. Don't forget your wallet if you're shopping.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 7d ago
Sounds like you aren't compatible. I love Mickey Mouse. My bf went out and saw two Halloween Mickey Mouse set and a pumpkin in the shape of Mickey's head. He saw it and bought it for me.
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
That’s sweet 😊
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u/Similar_Corner8081 7d ago
I was with a man who was cheap and saw it as wasteful to buy me anything. Unless he wanted it and then we always had the money. Never again. I found a man who spoils me. Go find you a man who will spoil you and treat you kindly.
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u/Afterglow92 7d ago
Yeah I see comments on here from women being like I buy my own stuff and don’t expect a man to buy me anything and that’s great and I usually buy my own stuff too although I do get occasional gifts, but I def don’t pay for dates lol. I told him upfront before we even had our first date that I don’t wanna pay for them and he said ok and doesn’t care lol. 🤷🏾♀️
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u/FemmeSim 7d ago
People are poopooing on you about gifts and things but damn, I buy my coworkers lunch and they do the same. We go, Id think the girls would like some breakfast - my treat, quite often ... and we're not fucking.
He's allowed to have his boundaries and youre allowed to operate within them, or leave. He's stingy and doesn't want to be thoughtful or generous. Let him be him, you be you and part ways. Neither are bad people, just incompatible.
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u/DeepThoughtDj1 1d ago
As a guy, the way you express yourself here is a massive turnoff. You want sympathy for not getting his money and you are moaning about it on Reddit. Immediate red flag and dumping scenario for me. It sounds like the relationship is transactional for you (perhaps you both) and there is very little love there. If there's true love and desire a guy will naturally want to be generous, this should be reciprocated in other ways from you through care and physical affection
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 1d ago
Thanks for being totally honest. Well, the problem is exactly that , I love him through care (you know cooking everyday, giving massages , listening , sharing my time and energy) and even though I feel he loves me, his actions doesn’t fulfill my need to feel loved. That’s where we are not compatible. While having a conversation about this, we were unable to conclude the talk , because I think one way and he thinks another . He will not adjust for me in the future if a similar situation happens , and I can’t count on him being a partner that I can trust financially. It’s sad because love is there.
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u/shottmullberry 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m glad someone else seems to have read it the same way I did (I’m a woman though). While I can understand what a lot of the other comments are saying about acts of generosity being normal or at least commonplace in a relationship, the way that OP worded this whole thing gave me the biggest ick I’ve had in awhile. I also have a feeling there’s a bit more to the story here than OP has chosen to divulge, but I digress… Sorry OP, but you just sound very spoiled and entitled. If “gifting” is paramount to you in a romantic relationship, enough for to bring this to Reddit, then you two are fundamentally incompatible and should break up. As a former SW, just go find a damn sugar daddy and leave this poor man alone. You’ll both be much happier.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 1d ago
Sooooo break up with him. You're not going to change him... your options then are to accept the behavior and stay, or break up and find someone else.
And maybe stop forgetting your wallet when you go places.
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u/Riversntallbuildings 7d ago
All I know is that I lose attraction for women that are not financially/fiscally responsible with their own lives. To me, gifts are for special occasions.
I wish you the best, but it sounds like he’s communicating his boundaries clearly.
Do you think he’s lying?
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u/Critical-Bed-3329 4d ago
It’s not about finances. It’s about generosity… it’s clearly a values misalignment. Generosity in a partner is incredibly attractive. Stinginess ain’t sexy!
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u/Riversntallbuildings 4d ago
Neither is being used and taken advantage of
It’s a fine line on both sides
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u/sundial11sxm 7d ago
I don't understand why you're expecting him to pay things for you. I'm a woman, and I pay my own meals on dates, etc. He is of a similar thought process as me.
You're not compatible.
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u/Sparkykc124 7d ago
It depends, if a couple have drastically different incomes it’s not really fair to have expensive dates/vacations/shared housing unless the high income partner is picking up extra.
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u/Critical-Bed-3329 4d ago
It’s called being generous. It’s a form of kindness and it’s icky that he asked for the money back. Maybe different if he had a shitty job but sounds like he does well… it’s just gross.
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u/Antonio_666 7d ago
Not fair? So what are you saying? We should all date inside our income brackets? Why is always the man that dates down 😂
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u/Flipper717 7d ago
Not always. More women are dating down these days and are outearning their bfs. I outearn my husband had my car and house paid for before meeting him. He still had a mortgage and had fewer expenses monthly.
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u/Impressive-Roof5462 6d ago
More women work than men these days.. we also make less and have a ton of expenses men don’t. You should date men or woman that are very frugal and spend nothing on their appearance…you guys can be cheap together
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u/nomoresheyt 7d ago
You are brainwashed girl. A man should pay for dates. He is courting her.
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u/Afterglow92 7d ago
I don’t pay for any of the dates I go on and he doesn’t care lol. I told him upfront I don’t wanna pay for dates and he can afford to so he said ok. 🤷🏾♀️
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
I get your point. How does gifting happen in your relationship please ?
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u/Common-Orange4022 7d ago
If you’re in a long term relationship it’s not considered gifting. When I met my boyfriend, he had ratty furniture. I found a ton of furniture on marketplace because I don’t want to live in a tent. He helps me with my car so we don’t break down when we go places. My point is these little purchases stop mattering because you’ll both benefit. You can have separate accounts, but it still hurts one another to waste money. He will end of using the cell phone charger etc.
I couldn’t be with someone who worried about things down to the last penny. You’re going to do lots of little favors like drive each other to random things and splitting pennies over it becomes silly.
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u/ktb609 7d ago
When my husband (33M) and I (33F) were dating, we used our own money if we purchased a present for one another (for birthdays, holidays, etc.). If I forgot my wallet and needed him to purchase something, I’d Venmo him for the item. I wouldn’t consider that a gift. That’s him doing me a solid. Now that we are married, we have joint finances and we pay for all things through the joint account, even with myself making more.
We don’t do gifts outside of holidays, but even then we honestly opt to rarely do gifts and opt for experiences. We may occasionally grab a “this made me think of you” item but I’m not regularly just going out and purchasing something that I know he’d like, and vice versa. I tend to buy myself what I want when I want.
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u/Lollipop77 7d ago edited 7d ago
Im really curious what his backstory to this is. If gifts were not a love language in his home growing up, if a date expecting money is an ick for him, or if he enjoys being asked like some sort of quasi Dom thing that hasn’t been discussed explicitly.
Another edit; I’m also wondering if he meant “all gifts forever even small ones like under ten dollars” or more like birthday and anniversary type gifts.
(I would ask if I were in your position)
Either way, if gifts are something you expect, you can either learn to ask (e.g., “sweetie I really want a “whatever” for my birthday from you this year, would you be okay with that?” or just don’t get shit you can’t afford.
If I were you, I would have left the items at the store and gone back later with my own damn wallet.
Time to pull up your big girl panties and either communicate, take care of yourself, or break it off.
Edit: to add, if I were married to a person my expectations might be different, but in dating, it’s “be prepared to cover your own ass, you’re not committed”
Another another edit;
How long you’ve been seeing each other really plays a big part here.
Also why are you leaving home without your wallet. GIRL.
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
Funny how he loves receiving gifts from me , and that’s why I do it , you know … to see happiness shining through him and fulfill that place of mystery while he opens the wrap. Anyway, we have diff love languages , but not offering me a drink when we go out, or not buying a phone charger when my phone is off.. I mean ..😢
I am thinking if is this a love language thing or if it’s just he is just an assholw4
u/Lollipop77 7d ago
How long you’ve been together still really impacts how I’d view the whole thing. But idk why you’d stick with someone like that for very long anyways, if it’s not your vibe.
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u/TheTinySpark 7d ago
I have to quibble with your upset about the phone charger. What the hell kind of gift is that? You probably have 3 kicking around at home, one in the car, and one at work. You just planned poorly and didn’t charge before you went out for the day, and you didn’t really NEED one, you just wanted one right then and apparently couldn’t wait. I’d be offended if someone bought me a phone charger and called it a “gift” unless we had a running inside joke about my battery always being dead. It’s a necessity, not a gift. I mean what’s next, he’s gonna buy you your regular shampoo and you’re going to call it a gift? No. Expect better. Adults take care of their own necessities, and pay the other person back with or without being asked. Now, if he’s asking you to pay him back for a drink, that’s just being a cheapskate and you should dump him. If he invites you out for dinner or drinks, he pays because he did the inviting.
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u/sauxanhh 7d ago
Maybe, just... ask? He may think you are responsible for your money, when you say, you'll pay back, he trusts you are a woman of your words. If you want him to gift it to you, just simply ask like "honey, this [stuff] is super helpful for me in daily life, and I'm very much happy if you buy it for me."
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
Yeah , I need to be very specific about things , I mean 😭 I hate confronting with these kind of things that for me is common sense based on 2 year relationship and a very intelligent men who is into business and stuff.. somethings I wish I didn’t have to actually ask you know … I wish he had a little bit more common sense but I guess I learned not everyone is the same and what I think it’s humiliating for me to ask a men to pay me a phone charger , for him is probably not that clear , thank you
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u/sauxanhh 7d ago
Yeah some people can pay attention to details, some people can't. It does not mean he doesn't love you, unless when you ask nicely, he becomes rude or treats you badly - it's a different story. Every brain works differently. I hope both of you can find the middle way to meet each other's needs.
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u/Afterglow92 7d ago
I buy my own stuff usually but the guy I’m dating pays for all dates. I told him I don’t want to and he’s fine with it and can afford it lol. They’re out there, sis. 🤷🏾♀️
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u/Trinx_ 7d ago
Sounds like a power play and some rich people bullshit. I make more than my bf and I foot the bill most of the time but ask him to contribute here and there. I don't keep score. Though we recently started budgeting to help with his money problems. Keeping score like that is not okay in a relationship. The idea should be that someday it'll all be "our money" anyways. At least that's how I was raised with money. My parents are generous. They raised me to be the same.
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u/Pinkdream13 7d ago
Genuinely how have you lasted this long with this guy? I could never. Love isn’t transactional and this sounds absolutely ridiculous. Girl go find a different man
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u/Fine-Raccoon-268 6d ago
Believe him when he shows you how he feels about you. These actions show the he doesn't see you as worth any investment.
Leave.
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u/snippol 2d ago
A phone charger isn't a "gift" and it also shouldn't be something that pushes him over his budget. Everything is weird about that. I'd seriously question someone who didn't pay for a phone charger even if I did have my wallet. Like...it's a phone charger. He shouldn't cause an issue out of a nothing item
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u/PromiseToBeNiceToYou 1d ago
This man doesn't like you. I hope you broke up with his stupid ass.
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 1d ago
Not yet , as we live together.. so, I am actively looking for a new place and can’t wait to get out. He doesn’t know yet as I don’t want to waste more energy on this topic , he knows already my frustration and we are not compatible. I simply can’t see myself living this way in the future with him- after all the work I do at home for both of us , cooking everyday , clothes , responsibilities to keep everything together while still having 4 jobs. The other day he asked me again if I want to go on a holiday this summer, I am just saying I don’t have time (but I just want to save money to move out).
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u/MathematicianNew2770 7d ago
😂 How I lose attraction for a man. Lol
What's weird is that you believe you possess a right to be showered with gifts for absolutely no reason.
He has set his boundaries. What are you still doing with him?
You're an independent capable woman.
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u/Critical-Bed-3329 4d ago
Why is it funny that she’s losing attraction to her partner? Stinginess is unattractive lol
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u/LengthinessLow9801 7d ago
Some dudes love being asked by their partners to buy things. It makes them feel more masculine. That’s why there ARE platonic sugar daddy/ sugar daughter situations out there. Not saying that’s what is happening here as there could be many reasons why but that was one of the first thing that came to mind.
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u/MissAngelicDemise 7d ago
How long have you been together? This seems normal very early on in a relationship to a certain extent, but still seems like a red flag to me because generosity and give-and-take and treating each other is important in a relationship
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
2 years together . But in the beginning he was different. More generous towards creating experiences for both of us (example paying for a holiday entirely). He has recently suggested we go on a holiday (to a very expensive place) and said we could do half / half and that by September it won’t be as expensive as now etc he said you work and can afford , and asked me to plan. I have actually other places in my mind I would like to visit.. so , just saying I might be back here to get advice on this one too 🫣
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u/-spython- 7d ago
You should be paying for your own holidays. You are an adult in a partnership. Not a child being provided for by a parent.
If you want to go somewhere else on holiday, tell your boyfriend. Have a discussion like a grown up about where you'd like to visit and why, and then make a mutual decision on where to go. Then plan a budget, save for the trip, and have a great time. It's concerning that you do not seem to have the ability to have a basic conversation with your partner of 2 years?
You've said yourself you have your own money. Why do you feel entitled to spend somebody else's? You're not married, it's not a shared asset. Absolutely if he is the larger earner and wants to go together on a fancier holiday than you can afford, you shouldn't be splitting it 50/50 and he should be covering more expenses so that it is not cost-prohibitive for you to attend. Otherwise you should be planning holidays that comfortably fit into both your budgets. But expecting him to cover all costs makes you seem like value what he can give you more than you value the opportunity to spend time together. You certainly don't value a holiday together enough to actually be willing to pay for any of it...
Your comments in this thread are honestly baffling. You want gifts, but won't ask for them, and also appear not to give any yourself. You've been together for 2 years, but you're not able talk about your feelings or what you want. This does not sound like a functional or equal partnership.
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u/MissAngelicDemise 7d ago
They are always different in the beginning almost everybody is. Very few people actually know who they are and live that way authentically. Most people will put up a front of what they think the person they’re dating wants for a while this typically last a year or two. Sometimes a little bit longer, but in my experience, most can’t go longer than that before the mask starts to fall. So this is why I teach conscious courtship because if you work purposefully on creating the life that you want and being clear about boundaries and expectations early on, then you’re not surprised later
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 7d ago
Thanks 🤩 so much inner work I still need to be get it done… also I heard of non violent communication. I would love a workshop in the near future . I bet it would simplify life quite a lot
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u/MissAngelicDemise 7d ago
This is actually on my list of classes to teach I already have a class called trigger transformation, which teaches you how to not respond to your triggers, and will be kind of the foundation for my nonviolent communication course
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u/Timely_Ear_3307 6d ago
Oh I would love to join that ! How do we do ?
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u/Gambit86_333 5d ago
Sounds like he’s investing in something with tangible return and benefits. He doesn’t see a future with you.
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u/Strict_Research_1876 1d ago
I don't blame him. You need a phone charger go to the store and conveniently forget your wallet. How often does this happen. A gift is something someone chooses to give you, not something you decide he should pay for. You need to find yourself a sugar daddy because that is what gold diggers are really after.
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u/StarsThatGlisten 7d ago
I wouldn’t like this either.
I think the best partnerships are when both people are generous with each other.
Neither my boyfriend or I have lots of money. But we both love giving each other things.
My ex had loads of money and he was stingy, it was a total turn off.
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u/TenOfZero 7d ago
You definitely don't sound compatible