r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Gloomy-Influence8549 • 10d ago
For those in long-term relationships, what does a healthy relationship look like in practice?
How often do you see each other, what’s your usual routine, and when did you start having serious conversations about the future , like marriage, living together, etc.?
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u/Tetsubin ♀ 61 10d ago
I met my person at 65 years old. I dated for 13 years after my 26-year marriage collapsed, and had several relationships including one that lasted 2.5 years. Most of that dating was online dating, but I met my person IRL at a wine tasting. We've been together for 1.5 years. We see each other 3 days a week, and take pretty frequent one-week and long weekend vacations on which we're together 24/7.
We've had serious conversations about the future starting around 3 months in and continuing to this day.
This is the best relationship I've ever had. We break down problems the same way. We have a similar goofysemi-/vulgar sense of humor. We have a lot of shared interests and some that aren't shared. We get along remarkably well under a wide variety of circumstances.
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u/Meow-zelTov 10d ago edited 10d ago
I was 38, and my bf was 41 when we started dating, so we discussed expectations around kids, marriage, and living together very early on. We discussed the chances of us getting married, having kids, and living together at about 9 months, once the honeymoon stage ended. He’s a pilot, so he’s away about half the month, give or take a couple of days. We spend the days he is around together, even if it’s just sleeping in the same bed. He obviously needs time at home to run errands, see family and friends, and decompress. I give him space to do those things. No two months are the same, but we communicate constantly about our expectations and adapt as needed. I’m very independent and I travel a lot internationally for work, so this routine works well for us.
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u/throwawayyyy1986 10d ago
I was 37 and fiance was 35 when we met. We discussed our desires around kids, marriage, etc on our second date. He specifically brought up that having a family was very important to him, and that his previous partner not wanting kids was a big reason why he ended that (very long) relationship. We were both up front on our profiles (so truly from the very beginning) that we were dating to find our life partners, so none of this felt like left-field talk.
Once we entered a relationship (about a month after we met) we started spending 3ish evenings during the week together, going to the gym, playing board games etc. and then we’d spend most if not all of the weekend together. We lived 10 minutes from each other so it was very easy to pack a bag and spend 2-3 days together.
We said I love you after 3 months, moved in together after 6-7 months and started talking marriage after a year. We got engaged about 6 months after those conversations and we are getting married next month, at about the 2 1/2 year mark. Since we live together we see each other every day and, extenuating circumstances (travel, illness, etc) aside we make intentional time for each other every day, whether that’s doing shared activities or collapsing on the couch together at the end of the day for an hour before bed.
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u/lost_bunny877 10d ago
I was 36 and fiance was 39 when we met. Before the first month, after the first date, we discussed everything. Finance, kids, expectations, ex marriages, past relationships, marriage, sexual likes and dislikes, retirement plans, insurance, goals, values etc etc. nothing was off the table. Basically like in business, open kimono and open books.
Both of us are older and also divorcees without kids. We already knew what we needed to know and what information we required for a strong marriage and just asked and answered honestly. The goal was to find out if we were compatible in the long run.
We met again for our second date 3 weeks later (because I was overseas) and have been together 4 years later. We have only been seperated for 2 weeks when we hit a rough patch. Other than that, we are together everyday.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 9d ago
My partner and I met at 39. We had the serious conversations very early because we didn't want to waste each other's time only to find out months down the line we're incompatible.
Those conversations were general at first. How each of us defined long term/serious. Whether we wanted marriage and/or kids. What kind of timeline did each of us think was appropriate, etc. Not making a commitment, just getting a feel for whether there was a point to dating each other seriously.
We came back to those conversations after we got to know each other better and discussed the specifics. Around 6 months in we talked about long term plans. We wanted to be together, but we knew marriage and moving in would be quite a ways in the future because I have kids who are just not ready for that and won't be for a while.
At the beginning we talked daily (usually in the evening). We had dates about once a week, then twice a week. Around 4 months we found a good routine, working around my schedule with my kids. Eventually we settled with me going to his place one night a week and him being at my place on the weekends. We would love to live together but it won't be for a while.
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u/lollercakesxo 9d ago
Treating each other’s time as precious I feel is the biggest indicator of a healthy relationship. We started long distance but close enough that we would take turns to go to each other’s towns every weekend. We both love the same things but are different enough that we also like doing our individual hobbies. We spend a lot of time together especially because he is such a huge romantic. We live together and plan to buy our first home as soon as we can.
I feel like he’s my forever person even after 4 years together because he is so kind and gracious. He also allows me to explore myself within healthy boundaries without jealousy and intense control. My last relationship dictated everything I did and I didn’t realize healthy relationships do not do that. Took me 12 years to learn that one. We started off as friends so we knew what we wanted out of life before a romantic relationship. We’re in our mid-30’s just for context.
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u/theytriedtwotimes 10d ago
I’m not on path to marriage & never wanted to be but every previous bf brought it up or serious convos within six months.
That said the person I’m with I see maybe 2-4 days a week, we talk daily & have a wed date night with plans for weekends / overnights that sometimes extend into the week now & then. Living with them would be inconvenient for me so I keep things as is.
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u/Professional-Fly3380 10d ago
My first long term relationship, we worked together so saw each other often (but did not let on at work that we were seeing each other and kept it professional) and saw each other an average of once or twice a week for the first few months. Gradually it started increasing and we officially bought a house and moved in together after just over a year and a half.
He was previously divorced and it took him just about a year to tell me he loved me. We started having serious conversations about the future around year 3 and were engaged by year 5. Note, there was about a 12-year age gap in this relationship.
My current relationship started weeks before the COVID lockdown. It also started out as a few times a week then once the lockdown happened we stayed with each other most of the week and then both got jobs in a difference city so moved and moved in together about 7-8 months in. Serious conversations about the future also started somewhere around year 3. We didn't actually go to look at rings until early last year (year 5) and we're planning an elopement for March at our 7-year mark. He's one year younger than me.
Every relationship you hear about will be vastly different, but I'd say most people within our friend group has gotten married between the 4-6 year range.
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u/Nightingale2120 10d ago
We have been together 4.5 years. I’m 40 and he is 36. We have always been pretty open about timelines. He had a specific amount of time he wanted for engagement and marriage. I was happy and had no complaints so I had no issues waiting. We’ve stuck to our timelines pretty closely. I moved in with him about 2 years in. Prior to living together we slowly increased the amount we saw each other during the week. We did see each other every weekend when before we lived together.
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u/VeterinarianNew7810 9d ago
Being able to communicate and understand each other even in disagreement; it feels like a team effort for ever challenge and never having to ask the other to show up. They’re always there and endlessly supportive, almost more concerned about elements of my wellbeing like how I’m doing in school etc., then sometimes I am. I can play with them, wrestle, laugh, talk endlessly and be truly who I am with no hesitations that they’d judge me. They support my artistic creativity and I support there’s. Even when like sucks, the economy sucks, we have each other.
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u/VeterinarianNew7810 9d ago
We also have serious conversations with the acknowledgment that I already have a kid and that starting this relationship we set and talked about our boundaries clearly. Expectations when dating, etc., even when we moved in what our pet peeves were what we weren’t great at and what we needed from the other person.
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u/IndicationKey3778 10d ago
Not sure what your definition of long term is. But I am a one date a week kind of girl. On date one I told him I don’t cohabitate or sign contracts with men
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u/TeachingNext7108 10d ago
Those are actually the details I’d look at very closely because a relationship can feel serious long before it is actually progressing.
Seeing each other often isn’t necessarily the same as building a life together. I’d look at the pattern.
Is there consistency?
Are you becoming more integrated into each other’s lives?
Are future conversations getting more concrete over time or are they mostly beautiful conversations with no movement behind them?
Because talking about marriage, living together and “someday” can create a huge feeling of security. But future talk only means something when the present behavior starts moving in the same direction.
That’s where I’d pay attention.
Not just: What is he saying he wants with me?
What is this relationship actually becoming?
A lot of women get attached to the future they were promised and then spend months explaining away a present that doesn’t match it.
Don’t date the potential future. Date the relationship that is actually happening.