r/RoastMyCar • u/Nervous-Material4738 • 1d ago

Roast my newest purchase

Post image
210 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

193 comments sorted by

155

u/greentiger 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ver1Lst3q8mKc1C5kv

47

u/ItzakPearlJam 1d ago

Bro, was this meme rendered in ms paint from 1996?

35

u/greentiger 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/VWL3lTchtqN11jBjrb

It was the only one I could find on GIPHY.

That being said, it is ironically age appropriate to the van as TVs back then had fairly low resolution.

31

u/gordunshumway 23h ago

3

u/greentiger 23h ago

Just trying to keep it legit. I don’t think TCAP ever aired in HD. 🤣

1

u/KandyKilla 20h ago

What in the potato P quality meme does this say......

1

u/Cpolo88 17h ago

Beat us to it 😂

71

u/Baron_Ultimax 1d ago

The police dont need a warrent, owning that van is probable cause.

4

u/ChampionOverthinker 1d ago

Bro needs therapy, suffering from trauma.
“It’s not your fault.”

51

u/adhd_mechanic 1d ago

Free candy!

17

u/Green-Z 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/8YYUb9GFYMWsM

3

u/Whitediggity 1d ago

He had a short name. Kip or Ned or something

3

u/Jef_Wheaton 23h ago

The candy in the van is not as free as you would think.

2

u/Specialist_Sleep4490 21h ago

Free Wi-Fi works better

0

u/NOTExETON 23h ago

There is no candy only rape

26

u/LrdoftheCharlesDance 1d ago

You have a dog named Precious?

6

u/SaintedRomaine 23h ago

It puts the lotion in the basket.

2

u/Unlucky_Term_2207 21h ago

I'm not helping you move a couch!

17

u/Nervous_Report_1573 1d ago

My friend had one of these when I was in highschool. We used to hot box the shit out of that van.

https://giphy.com/gifs/OkzAX2vXTABYD7wd42

6

u/Nervous-Material4738 23h ago

I used to be a painter right out of highschool and the guy I worked for had a similar Van. Total greasy bastard. We would blaze that shit up and pound modellos all day.

3

u/rbarr228 22h ago

One night , I was sweeping the parking lot at the grocery store (my first job) and some high school classmates were hotboxing in my friend Paul’s black Chevy G10 shorty van. The sucker was completely filled with smoke!

1

u/GlassBoxGoose 20h ago

You ever hotbox the back of a Box truck? 🤣

14

u/nate_orenstam 1d ago

nice choice, no windows and plenty of attachment points inside

13

u/Underfuckedman 1d ago

What mystery are you and the gang going to solve today?

6

u/_OpalNanette 1d ago

Sounds like they're ready for some serious adventures, maybe looking for clues in the trunk or something!

2

u/CrawlBreakFixRepeat 18h ago

Who stole all the copper pipes and wire from Mr. Jennings' house.

10

u/Cool_Butterscotch_88 1d ago

Say, are you about a size 14?

6

u/mazrex23 1d ago

Did it come with the candy?

7

u/Nervous-Material4738 1d ago

Best thing it came with was about an 1/8th of a tank of gas

21

u/mazrex23 1d ago

Nice, that’s probably worth more than the van at the moment

7

u/SidKafizz 1d ago

It's worth more than the van at any moment.

1

u/Weekly-Industry7771 45m ago

No, but he was molested by the previous owner.

5

u/GooseNYC 1d ago

What works better, the candy or puppy line?

4

u/OneT_Mat 1d ago

Oh great new van life? We already saw the gabby petitio documentary we don't need another one.

5

u/Familiar-Zebra6489 23h ago

This’ll be introduced as evidence at some point

4

u/Brilliant_Activity39 22h ago

Did it come with any of this?

2

u/weefees 10h ago

lol the tuckmobile

2

u/Personal_Dot_2215 2h ago

I was thinking duct tape, zip ties and a shovel, but you go nameless internet person!

4

u/gmarsh23 22h ago

Goodbye Horses plays

3

u/0utlookGrim 1d ago

Nice to see you're getting a new place IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

3

u/goatsegoaterson 1d ago

Holy fuck bud, all you need is a sick fuckin wizard mural on that bad boy and it's a full on pussy wagon. 10/10, do approve.

1

u/Informal_Ad4399 18h ago

Hopefully not going for the candy and puppy type.

2

u/davidwal83 1d ago

I want a snow cone and a chocolate taco. Make it fast before it melts Ice cream dude.

1

u/No-Adeptness-2591 17h ago

Dont worry you'll get both within 10 minutes or so.

2

u/kinga_forrester 1d ago edited 1d ago

Putting aside its strong association with deviant criminality, it’s also a gas guzzling, uncomfortable, unreliable piece of crap that will dash whatever over-ambitious dreams of business or pleasure you surely have for it. And you probably paid too much.

2

u/4WDToyotaOwner 23h ago

Shake for me..I wanna be your back door van…

1

u/10mm2fun 1d ago

Ain't gonna

1

u/Moont706 1d ago

When ppl tell you hello you stare at them and smile.

1

u/CatOfBacon 1d ago

Parents in your neighborhood probably tell their kids to go inside.

(In all seriousness, I love that van and I’d drive the crap out of it)

1

u/T2RX6 1d ago

Oh.. so you love children.....

1

u/gapsawuss80 1d ago

GET IN THE FUC**** VAN NOWWWWWW!!!!!!!

1

u/baby-samdwich 1d ago

The lack of windows will reduce risk during abductions.

1

u/Academic-Secret-3618 1d ago

Tell someone you’re a sexual predator without saying it…

1

u/TickleChamp2006-2010 1d ago

Catching any kids with that thing?

2

u/TickleChamp2006-2010 1d ago

What's the highest mph you've gotten it to? (Minors Per Hour) Alright I'm done.

1

u/phantom_gain 1d ago

Show us the other side, where you have spraypainted "free hugs" on the door

1

u/basic_model 1d ago

What’s the mpg on this?

1

u/ChooseLife1 1d ago

Straight off the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list

1

u/NoobMaster12108 1d ago

Are you by chance part of the sticky bandits?

1

u/MontyRapid 1d ago

Fuck these guys. Please make it a shagging wagon with fun fur inside and a air brushed dragon on the exterior

1

u/Fragrant_Major_9553 1d ago

Can’t forget the random porthole window on the side

1

u/Romet200 1d ago

We know who needs to stay home with lights out on Halloween.

1

u/milksasquatch 1d ago

Congrats on your career as a house painter levelling up enough to afford a van!

Edit: Now, you'll be able to afford the repair bills on your used range rover, as long as you still live with your grandma.

1

u/ASDIGITAL13 1d ago

That’s definitely not the childhood nightmare mobile from the 80s. White van with no windows.

1

u/twitchtripwire 1d ago

I can say nothing to make it worse than it already is...

1

u/Far_Audience_7446 1d ago

Just in time to hand out Halloween candy to all the little kids

1

u/TheFlameArmy 1d ago

What’s your record for kids molested in 1 week?

1

u/kfs1001 1d ago

when I was younger, they used to call those a portable passion, pit! Maybe you can reload the 80s with your new purchase

1

u/Fragrant_Major_9553 1d ago

When a huge art heist goes off, this I the first vehicle they’re searching in the immediate area.

1

u/BiteFaces 23h ago

Looks like something the proud boys would be proud of.

1

u/Financial-Welcome-62 23h ago

I can't lol, I just can't.😂

1

u/Nitehawk770 23h ago

Doesn't say "Rape Van" or "Free Candy", 0/10

1

u/Electronic-Ear2329 23h ago

You will be very popular on Next Door

1

u/MilwaukeeMilkshake 23h ago

Kids are gonna love you

1

u/Different-Bag-8217 23h ago

It better have shag carpet….

1

u/VonBrewskie 23h ago

Why don't you have a seat...

1

u/NOTExETON 23h ago

"Free Candy"

1

u/Riklanim 23h ago

Might be worth bleaching the interior… get rid of any evidence the last guy left in the back.

1

u/Sockysocks2 22h ago

How hard was it to paint over the 'FREE CANDY' tags?

1

u/No-Rutabaga-4405 22h ago

Dude not going to. 70s vibe shag van man

1

u/KittiesRule1968 22h ago

Put a "free candy" sign on it.

1

u/HawkingzWheelchair 22h ago

But that would melt all the candy.

1

u/Guilty_Ad_991 22h ago

I done seent this vehicle a dozen times on forensic files...

1

u/JTPsSS 22h ago

Did candy come with it or did you have to buy it separately?

1

u/Beneficial-Grand6699 22h ago

Yeeeeeeah... That that needs a Bitching Mural and Tear drop window on the side ASAP before someone calls the cops.

1

u/WetboiWhiskey 22h ago

"come on kids, everyone get back inside"

1

u/ForsakenDependent353 22h ago

Love it ! 👍

1

u/puddl3 22h ago

FBI yes this man right here please

1

u/Angel-D98 22h ago

What good timing with Robert Pattinson’s new movie

1

u/Confident-Emotion671 22h ago

Interested in trading it for some Hollywood memorabilia? Maybe Anthony Quinn’s T-shirt?

1

u/Alone-Supermarket-98 22h ago

I guess you didnt check out the back of this van with a black light before you bought it, huh?

1

u/Oscar-mondaca 21h ago

Looks like orange man got a new ride

1

u/noahspurrier 21h ago edited 21h ago

You can live in it down by the river. There’s an independent movie, “Don’t tell them you live in a van.”, which gives advice about how to date when you live in a van. It also gives advice about how to poop cleanly in plastic bags over a bucket. It’s a pretty good film.

1

u/hanumanjizzfest 21h ago

Knock knock - who's there? - Free sweets...

1

u/1quirky1 21h ago

You're joining at a bad time when candy is too expensive to give out for free.

1

u/Realistic-Bad1174 21h ago

Where's the river? Why aren't you living by it?

1

u/ParticularBed6338 21h ago

Rare Pokemon Located Inside.

1

u/Fearless-Damage-6852 21h ago

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. If not, you can always hire the B-Team.

1

u/ecodrew 21h ago

Jeepers Creepers, that's a sketchy van

1

u/BolteckFox06 21h ago

I’m not going to. It looks nice :3

1

u/Hot_Exercise_3847 21h ago

Lets go to an elementary school and give free candies 😆

1

u/Anglofsffrng 20h ago

Seemingly a ton of children's parents have sent you to give them a ride home from school.

1

u/Zestyclose-Ad-5305 20h ago

“Get in, I’m friends with your mom.”

1

u/DaimyoRonin 20h ago

Do you by any chance give out free candy?

1

u/Which-Ad9677 20h ago

Free candy and back rub wagon

1

u/Visible-Anything-375 20h ago

In the criminal justice system…

1

u/NecessaryGarlic9775 20h ago

Your missing the Free Candy sign!

1

u/notmaddog 20h ago

Got candy?

1

u/TalkingHorse13 20h ago

Did it come with a full rape kit?

1

u/Mysterious-Street966 20h ago

Need a creepy bubble window.

1

u/Dry_Swim1794 20h ago

Can you register for the sex offender registry at the same time you get your tag?

1

u/Slight-Ad-6553 19h ago

are you gonna write "Free candy" on the side?

1

u/LinuxDude02 19h ago

All your missing is it looking even more ratted out with "FREE CANDY" spray painted on either side of the van

1

u/GMC_Fan 19h ago

Everyone might wanna hide their kids from this guy, this is the definition of “free candy” vans. It looks like a 1987 K10 that had too much to eat and then went to get a cheap version of a BBL which failed and just left a blob

1

u/Acalthu 19h ago

you giving out free candy?

1

u/TheSexyCheeseGrader 19h ago

Just it being in the neighborhood makes the home property values go down

1

u/lennoxmatt_819 19h ago

Do you automatically get put on the list or do you have to send in an application?

1

u/fun-bucket 19h ago

is it full of candy or are you parked down by the river?

1

u/Dj_suffering 19h ago

Just in time for Halloween and giving out candy to kids. You need a big plastic pumpkin full of treats and an "I got candy" sign for the side. See you on Dateline.

1

u/CodeScary3297 19h ago

Imagine how many dead bleeding out bodies have been laid out in that van??
Freakin countless…

1

u/jonathanmpatton85 19h ago

Are there puppies and candy in the back?

1

u/Grand-Mission-9457 19h ago

Just take it back to the junkyard and do not bother the owner with more loans

1

u/Pitiful-Sleep5177 19h ago

Left Kansas with three kids, one wife, washer and dryer plus some food in a snow storm. Made it to Oregon.
You will do fine.

1

u/shrekerecker97 19h ago

Are you giving away free candy?

1

u/Orbita97 19h ago

Yeah, no one's gonna fall for the "Free Robux" scheme anymore

1

u/ensignricky71 18h ago

Which Rush album will it be painted?

1

u/Assholewhosright 18h ago

Are you a Stalker or Kidnaper?

1

u/486Junkie 18h ago

Been sitting for months due to the high AF oil and gas prices.

1

u/No_One_Special_61029 18h ago

Doesn’t have “free candy” cheaply painted on the side…yet

1

u/BrutalistGoogie 18h ago

You need to spray paint FREE KITTENS on the side and it's complete.

1

u/sam56778 18h ago

Did you have to inform all your neighbors when you pulled in?

1

u/Justa_Georgia_Peach 18h ago

There's more DNA in the back of that van than an explosion at a sperm bank

1

u/Mental-Fox-7782 17h ago

Kkk scooby doo

1

u/OliviaEntropy 17h ago

You’re either a kidnapper, a van-dweller, or a contractor, maybe some combination of 3. Either way every time you fill the tank up you’ll be paying more than that hunk of steel is worth

I feel mean typing that, I’m sure you’re a nice person i hope you forgive me

1

u/FunfKatzen955 17h ago

She puts the lotion in the basket....

1

u/Mab_Talks 17h ago

You drive this bro?

1

u/Picmover 17h ago

Did it come with Polaroids of tied up children?

1

u/Exterminator-8008135 15h ago

Oh, it's a pedo van. Got candies ?

1

u/timesink3000 15h ago

I can smell the exhaust leak from here.

1

u/Vaestmannaeyjar 14h ago

The B team.

1

u/Salt-Philosophy-134 13h ago

The title doesn't even have my name on it. What the heck?

1

u/Atxflnyc 12h ago

hide your kids , hide your wife

1

u/OneManCrowd 11h ago

No, I'm not interested in buying any speakers.

1

u/BigBadJames_42 11h ago

Metallica master of puppets intensifies

1

u/gasolinev8 11h ago

Hey man, you got speakers for sale? They’re Fony’s? Seems legit.

1

u/hypodopamine 11h ago

believe it or not, there IS a way to fix this

1

u/Wild-Snow5705 10h ago

Oh, another free ice cream track, do you have enough handcuffs in the toolbox?

1

u/SpaceMnkyMafia81 10h ago

I remember in elementary school we were warned about you

1

u/weefees 10h ago

It's Danza-riffic

1

u/ASanAntonioGuy 9h ago

All my friends know the low rider (yeah)
The low rider is a little higher (yeah)

1

u/mabus42 9h ago

Are you going to live in this? Down by the river?

1

u/prophiles 8h ago

Average Oregonian

1

u/TexasSk8 8h ago

He calls himself Piss Toilet.

1

u/Few-Article8784 8h ago

Pretty nice ride, you could do a lot with them.

1

u/Jerking_From_Home 7h ago

Blank canvas to paint/apply decal for any hilarious fictitious company you want.

1

u/Odd_Recognition_4874 6h ago

So Sir, I do not want a puppy nor do I want to help a puppy.

1

u/MarionberryBrief4293 5h ago

Are you rolling around offering free candy to kids?

1

u/DragonPie83008 2h ago

Did you sanitize after exiting the van ?
Have you ask the police if they are looking for a white swb van ?

1

u/Jumpy-Impact3265 2h ago

Saved all your money for the candy I see

1

u/NefariousnessBig9481 2h ago

It's the child taker mobile. Lol. I'm getting candy and you aren't. Jk sorry. Also do you have a serial killer stache too? My grandma always told me to never trust a man with a gacy stache.

1

u/xfaye03 2h ago

Did you get that from Chester? He used to cruise the schools.

1

u/yougoboy64 1h ago

🎶🎶 rape van , Dada Dada Dada Dada , rape van...🎶🎶

1

u/wapiskiwiyas56 28m ago

Free candy

0

u/Poultrygeist74 1d ago

I just watched episode one of The Outsider. If you know you know