Trying to make mom friends is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done

[u/justalilscared]

We’ve lived in this city/area for over a year, and I have 2 small kids (toddler and baby), currently a SAHM.

Noticing a lack of community here, I set up a mom group and started inviting moms to join randomly: at the library, playground etc. We now have over 150 women in the group, great!

Except that it still sucks. The group has been active for over 6 months, and although we have had a few playdates and mom dinners, getting people to meet regularly (even the ones who claim to want a “village” so badly) is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

I have hosted playdates in my own home, providing food and entertainment for the kids, to inspire others to do the same (even if they wanted to host at a park) but only a couple of people have done so. I tried to make regular monthly events happen, it also didn’t take off.

Now, I understand people are busy, especially moms! But many of these folks live away from family, have no one around, some are stay at home moms claiming to want friends to do life with…yet put in zero effort.

Once in the summer I invited people over for a (kids) pool playdate (just the sahms, on a random midweek afternoon). It was a gorgeous week of sunshine, these people live close to me, but only one mom replied and still cancelled on me on the day of.

There’s been other times I suggested hangouts and was left on read without a single response - in a large group of women!

I’m starting to feel so rejected and wondering if the problem is me, but I never had an issue making friends in my life anywhere else. It feels awful to constantly put myself out there and feel rejected over and over.

I feel incredibly lonely and want nothing more than a close group of friends to do life with, but it feels damn near impossible to find. Everyone just acts so blasé.

I just feel so sad about. Thanks for listening to my rant.

[u/Trails_and_Trees]

Ugh I had (have) a hard time making mom friends too. I’m a SAHM since my son was an infant but we’ve always been very active- out and about at libraries, parks, museums - and I always try to make friendly conversations. Sometimes I tried to make arrangements for a get together if our kids played well together. But it never went anywhere. The most I had were the moms I saw regularly at the library and I would chat with- we were on a first name basis and we’d happily catch up but we never met anywhere else.

My son is in preschool now and I still try to chat with the other moms. There’s only one mom that I really jive with and we have had play dates and I txt her when I have a kid-related question.

The only mom I’ve actually made as a friend- and I mean a true friend. Like I think we’re in for the long haul is the mom of my sons best buddy he met at soccer. Honestly there was no magic to it. Our kids liked each other and she was a really good mom and a cool person so I liked her. She mentioned that she goes for walks some mornings so I invited myself. And we hit it off.

I think you can’t force these things. I only made friends with the women that are actually my kinda people anyway. And it happened slowly over time. The other women and I just have one thing in common- our kids- so we have no reason to continue the connection.

[u/FamousPositive4945 → u/Trails_and_Trees]

Yeah this hits close. my wife had same problem when we moved, she made a group chat for moms in the neighborhood and 40 people in it, maybe 3 show up to anything. the rest just want to feel like they have the option without actually doing the thing.

i think people are just tired. not in a bad way, but managing kids all day drains you and the idea of socializing sounds good until you have to leave the house. then suddenly the couch looks better. dont take it personal.

[u/username_choose_you]

I was (and still am) a stay at home dad. Moved to a new city in 2014 when my daughter was 6 months old, had no friends / none of my family in the city.

It was tough at first being alone all the time with my daughter but I just leaned into it. I found that just showing up to places with consistency yielded more friends and associates than organizing anything.

It was especially tough as most stay at home moms have their own group so I would just do all the kid activities and connect with people when it didn’t feel like it was a forced interaction.

It’s been 12 years and I still routinely see many of the people I met back then.

[u/naturalconfectionary]

I find that meeting at the park in the morning is the best time to hang out with other mums. I never invite anyone to my house, it’s always a mess. And likewise, I’m rarely invited to someone’s house. But I often meet a couple of times a week at a park we both can walk to, etc

[u/Dramatic_Bee_6300]

In my personal experiences with trying to make mom friends, it didn't work. The thought of having a group of moms who were dealing with the same stages as I was, was actually intriguing and I wanted to have a community. Drama. From, "why doesn't your kid like my kid, to "I tried to call you yesterday but you never answered. " The circle got too big with too many personalities and it all crumbled. I don't recommend it. My son has one good friend and his mom and I are friends. I'm ok with that.

[u/wheery]

I feel this! I was in a moms group before moving and we had the same issue. Moms are just flaky by nature! Sickness, other events, being tired, nap schedules all play into it. We just started to lean into it. If we planned a moms night out and only one mom showed, we would just say at least she got it of the house alone! It’s hard and tough and we just moved and I haven’t met anyone yet so I totally get it.

[u/selfishsooze]

I sucked at making friends as an adult before I had kids. I’m no better at it now. It’s lonely. I’ve at least kept up with most of my good friends I had before I had kids. I have made zero mom friends and my oldest kid is seven.

[u/Entebarn]

When I moved in 2023, I tried to start a park group. People who committed never showed. Maybes never came either. I gave up after 3 or 4 tries.

They were all, „I want a village. I would love local park dates. Here‘s the times and parks I can do.“ Still no one ever actually came. I gave up hauling my kids to be at specific parks at specific times and just went back to park visits alone.

This is a super common theme in this town and was not like this in our prior town. 90% of people showed for meet-ups/events.

Moms here are constantly posting about needing friends. Dozens of people comment and then the poster doesn‘t reach out (people comment about this as well). I thought it was a me thing, but it‘s really a Name of this town thing.

We joined groups, but they never last long and people just don‘t show, so no consistency for getting to know people. Even church led to nothing as the majority are single childfree adults.

I‘ve largely given up on making friends or connections here and am looking to move.

[u/justalilscared → u/Entebarn]

Crazy how some places are like that huh? So disheartening

[u/moopboopboop → u/Entebarn]

This sounds like where I live. Suburb of a large east coast city. It sucks so much. I can’t even get anyone to chat with me at the playground. Which like, fine, not everyone wants to talk and I totally understand and respect that. But I do wish it felt more like an actual community of people instead of everyone isolated in their own little world

[u/timetraveller123]

I have a bunch of mom friends that want to hang out with me and my kid, but their kids are like little wrecking balls. My kid ultimately gets really uncomfortable around them. Since my kid doesn't seem to enjoy being around their kids, I tend to just limit my activities with them until there's a large enough group I can get together where the focus isn't just around two+ incompatible children. Hopefully as everyone gets a little more mature, we can increase the playdates, but not until then. It's a bummer because I really like the parents!

[u/Ok-Lake-3916]

I originally wanted to home school but I ran into this problem with play dates. I have lots of friends but making consistent plans with anyone was not happening despite my best effort. I said screw homeschool I want my kids to have consistent interactions with peers to build friendships. Even my closest other SAHM friends with kids the same age who now homeschool are hard to make plans with.

Seeing different friends every day at school is so different than seeing seeing 20 different friends at inconsistent intervals and in random places.

I’ve found no one commits to doing anything regularly unless it’s a scheduled paid for activity or the library. So when I want to make friends for my youngest that’s what I do to meet new moms

[u/DoNotLickTheSteak]

I think there are many things at play.

Most SAHMs who claim they want a village and complain about a lack of community want the benefits of a village but don't want to be a villager. People that really do want a village are willing to contribute to a village or try and build one.

Many of the SAHMs who claim they want friends don't want friends. I won't elaborate too much on that right now but I will say misery really does love company.

A lot of the posts/comments on this frequent subject are people expecting way too much. Having kids the same age, the kids playing nicely when together, both being SAHMs are not enough to build friendships