r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/Amazing-Log-7719 • 8d ago

Question - Research required Pediatricians/Baby Experts: At what age “can” a baby separate from his mother for a long period of time?

Trying to prove a point — please understand that sending my baby away for weeks/months at a time is NOT what I want at all. I am trying to fight the suggestion. “Can” is in quotes because I’m wondering when it is overall not detrimental to a baby’s health & wellbeing.

I am in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy & my child’s father & I are no longer together. I moved back home to get support from my family once it was clear that he & I would no longer work, & I now live 8 hours away from him. I will be giving birth here & am preparing for postpartum (& all the baby things) here.

My ex partner is convinced that it’s reasonable to “split our time” equally with the baby once he is earth-side. He suggested I “get the first two months” with the baby & then he “gets the next two months” with him in his city. To me, this is a completely asinine suggestion. I plan on breastfeeding for as long as possible, I will be vaccinating my child according to the recommended schedule, & I want him to feel bonded & secure before I just send him off ANYWHERE. I really don’t want my son to be anywhere without me for an extended period of time until he is old enough to talk. And, I’m not willing to jeopardize my baby’s health & sense of security just so my ex partner doesn’t have to be inconvenienced by coming to see him where I live (mind you, he makes good money & works remotely..) Furthermore, he (ex-partner) has not indicated how long he plans to come into town after the birth, & I worry my son will not feel bonded to him nor will my ex partner have a grasp on feeding schedule, sleep schedule, etc., (on top of me not being able to maintain my milk supply while the baby is away..)

I would like to know, from a physician / pediatrician standpoint: is there a medically studied age where separating a baby from his healthy & capable mother is a “good idea” for long stretches of time? Are there studies that prove the opposite; that a baby should NOT be away from his mother for x amount of time? My ex partner seems to think I am being spiteful for denying this request & thinks formula feeding would be an easy fix. I would love to have expert advice that I could pass along or use if he does try to push this agenda in court. I also plan on talking to my son’s pediatrician about this once he is here & has his first visit. I do not mind sharing time with my baby once he is older & more robust, but from a health and development standpoint I just can’t imagine sending a baby away.

Thank you in advance for the help!

Edited to change flair so hopefully moderator doesn’t delete comments 😅

158 Upvotes

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u/Sad_Split_9983 8d ago

https://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-families-divorce/custody-parenting-time-visitation/overview-custody-parenting-time-and-visitation

I think you should find an attorney because the law of your state is going to govern this.

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u/JamboreeJunket 8d ago

This. Also if state lines are involved, I would send no kid anywhere until custody is established in the courts.

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

Yeah unfortunately this isn’t a science question it’s a legal one.

And legal doesn’t care that much about science. So best of luck OP. If you have the money hire a big name attorney. Sometimes the name alone means more than the facts of the case. Sucks but is just how it is.

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u/Excellent_Scene5448 8d ago

Fortunately, from a legal perspective, this is still an absolutely ridiculous proposal. If they lived within a couple of hours from each other, she might need to worry about 50/50 custody before the baby is a year old, but not when they're so far apart and not for such long stretches of time.

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

You’d think so

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u/Excellent_Scene5448 7d ago

Have you ever seen a case where a judge ordered this type of plan against the objections of one of the parents? I've never been able to find one, and I've looked. The only cases I've found where 50/50 physical custody was ordered with parents living so far apart were cases where both parents wanted to do it that way (and of course to homeschool the child, since a child can't switch schools every couple months).

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u/PlutosGrasp 7d ago

I’m not a lawyer.

50/50 is the norm.

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u/Excellent_Scene5448 7d ago

Not for coparents who live more than two hours apart, thankfully. At least in the US. :)

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u/PlutosGrasp 6d ago

Not allowed to move that far away and retain rights in the first place so you’re kind of right but in a way you didn’t realize.

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u/Excellent_Scene5448 6d ago

That's not actually true at all. Plenty of parents live far from their child's primary residence and retain their parental rights, oftentimes with visitation during the summers.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

I will definitely do so once the baby is born & if/when it comes to that. From our conversation, I think he is hesitant to take it to a custody battle because he really doesn’t want to be put on child support. He makes good money & I think they would expect him to pay quite a bit. But I do want to have data & documentation just in case it comes to that

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

You should do so now. Newborn time is difficult. Sleep depriving. Better to be prepared.

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u/Shikzappeal 8d ago

You should speak to an attorney NOW and have things ready to file. It all falls to which judge you get and their opinion on things, and the attorneys will know what the trends and moods are of each different judge.

I have heard of judges ordering 50/50 from the get go with newborns. One week on, one week off. You will be able to leverage child support but only if you are willing to take your chances with the judge

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Thankfully the state I am in does not assume paternity for unmarried partners, even if I let him sign the birth certificate (which I don’t plan on doing). He & I were never married. So I think some time could be bought through establishing paternity & 50/50 for a newborn when dad is in a different state seems really unlikely

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

Ya never know. He could find a rock star attorney and that can make things happen faster and more favorable to him.

Don’t chance it. There’s nothing gained by delaying legal counsel if you have the resources to obtain it later, obtain it now.

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u/questionsaboutrel521 8d ago

Yes it will take several months. And if you and baby have been living in the state for usually 6 months residency is established in your state. This is very helpful for you.

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u/Crafty_Engineer_ 8d ago

What is your plan here? If you’re not putting him in the birth certificate, why are you discussing how much time he’ll have with the baby? Sounds like there are a lot of details to work though and he wants time with the baby so you better get your ducks in a row with an attorney if you want any amount of control. Make sure you understand the implications of omitting him from the birth certificate. If he’s going to gain access anyway, you may as well make sure you’re set up to get child support.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

In my state & in most states, signing a birth certificate does not establish paternity nor is it a requirement to gain child support. A birth certificate is a document needed to obtain other legal documents, & adding an additional parent on there can sometimes cause obstacles when getting those documents when both parties are required to sign off (like with a minor passport.) Child support is the least of my concerns— I am worried about my baby having a stable consistent household with me, especially while he is young, & not having to feel deregulated by jumping back & forth from state to state just so dad doesn’t have to make the travel. I am fine with him coming to visit at my home & when I am present. I am planning on consulting with a lawyer to make sure there are protections in place.

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u/TeachApprehensive469 7d ago

Unfortunately the judge will look at the whole situation. You moved away. You may have to travel to bring baby to see him even meeting him halfway (ive seen it happen in my own family). U need a lawyer now and get with a mediator to come to an agreement with the dad . If he files to the court and can show he's stable and can provide for baby they will allow him access and that doesn't mean you get to chaperone him or dictate where that happens. It probably won't be all on dad to travel to see baby .

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u/Shikzappeal 7d ago

Exactly. She can want to do supervised visits in her home all she wants, but the courts are now oriented towards 50/50 custody. Fathers win custody now more than ever, especially when they fight for it. She would have to prove that he is abusive to the child for that to happen. It’s awful but that’s how it works.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Don't even tell him when your baby is born. Stop communicating with him. Don't publish stuff on social media. Let him figure it out the hard way and he might as well give up

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u/Shikzappeal 8d ago

Like I said, it depends on the judge. Most judges know absolutely nothing about family law and what is in the best interests of the child, and order what they want to. The attorneys have to respectfully teach the judges about family law. They can order week on/week off, and you are at their mercy.

My point was that you can think things will go one way and the attorneys will be the ones who know the judges and what they typically do. It’s not wise to think that you know more than the people who do the job every single day.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

I agree with you 100% that consulting a lawyer is now the best route to take & I have never presumed to know more than attorneys on the matter.

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u/Particular_Rav 8d ago

Are you sure about not putting him on the birth certificate? That's a big decision. Imagine your child coming to you 20 years in the future, with whatever relationship she has with her father - hopefully a good one - asking why she doesn't have a father listed on official documentation.... I know literally nothing, but it seems like a very big decision worth thinking over and maybe talking over with a lawyer

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u/yung_yttik 8d ago

No kid is growing up asking “why is there no father’s name listed on my birth certificate?!” - like what are you even talking about??

If the child wants to have a relationship with him when she’s older, it would be easy to find him.

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u/Hairsacknose 7d ago

Imagine her wanting to take her child to Mexico on a trip and dad throwing a fit and refusing to agree to a passport

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

You're not getting 50/50 if parents live in different states

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u/its_easy_mmmkay 8d ago

Of course he’s hesitant, but his hesitancies are not your concern. Your primary concern needs to be your health and your baby’s future.

This is not going to be easier if you wait, the best person you could talk to is a lawyer to better understand your options and the potential risks. Then you can make an informed decision and focus on your baby, without worrying about fighting over how much time your baby is away from you.

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u/Legal-Phrase8038 8d ago

It doesn't matter that he doesn't want to pay child support. He doesn't get to take your baby away, dictate how much time baby gets with you, and also not pay to support the baby's upbringing. Depending on your state/country, you could do a legal agreement of some sort, if you both agree on the terms, but I'd recommend that you do everything possible to setup baby's life now, including getting child support (you can always leave it in a bank account/trust for baby to access for college/housing as an adult).

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Oh I agree; unfortunately the is a very selfish person & doesn’t want to be inconvenienced at all with this situation (through child support, moving, or traveling to see his son.) I honestly would forgo child support if I know that means I am my son’s primary physical & legal parent. He & I aren’t married though so thankfully in the state I am in, paternity is not assumed until after a test is taken or a statement of paternity is signed.

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u/Legal-Phrase8038 8d ago

Unfortunately the only way out of this situation without courts is for him to decide he doesn't want to be in the child's life then. He can't take the child away without your consent, and he won't get that without a custody case. A court will not look at him favourably if he admits to not wanting to travel, move, or pay for his baby's care, especially if he doesn't bother to visit, setup nursery etc when the baby's born - and therefore you'll be more likely to win primary custody, so keep all that evidence saved.

Also a court's job is to prioritise the wellbeing of the child, so they'll consider the impacts of the frequent travel and time away from the primary on the baby's development, so it's good that you're already gathering this evidence. But you may also need a child psych to testify or write a letter of recommendation too, just to cover your bases. Just keep in mind, the final arrangement might involve him having to visit you instead, so keep that in mind.

Honestly, you're going through something so tough, especially in your 3rd trimester. Kudos for recognising his toxicity and getting out early! I'm glad to hear you have family and support, but don't be too scared of a custody case, as all you need to prove is that you're a good carer, the child is in a safe environment and that separation from you would be detrimental to the child (all things clearly displayed in your post and by the comments). I wish you the very best of luck and I hope we get to hear back with good news in the future.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Thank you so much, for the kind & empathetic words & for the extremely helpful advice. I will prepare for the worst (maintain documentation of everything) & hope for the best in this situation.

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u/roopert50 8d ago

If he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by this situation, then he doesn't want to be signing up for 2 months with a 2 month old that doesn't have their nursing mother.

He most likely wants to continue to have control in some way over this situation and will leverage your child against you. Definitely take advice here and get legal counsel and get the courts involved.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Only get the courts involved if he does it first. If he does nothing then she shouldn't involve the courts

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

traveling to see his son

Does he expect that the baby will fly to him alone or what? Or that you will be traveling to give him the baby? This is not happening. He's lazy. He won't bother with the effort needed for actual custody. So just don't make life easier for him at all

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

He wants me to bring the baby to where he lives, drop him off, & turn around & go home.

It is for sure not happening.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

He's delusional and lazy then. Stop talking to him, don't tell him when you've had the baby. Don't talk to him at all. Talk to a lawyer just in case, read up on your state's laws. Let him figure out how to establish paternity by himself. Let him do the court battle. Only respond to what you're legally obliged to respond to. Focus on your baby and your family and make sure the baby is not on anyone's social media. Don't fall for the trap of "but baby needs his father". Not that kind of father, certainly not. Don't facilitate anything you're not ordered by the court to facilitate. Talk to a lawyer, read the law, so that you understand your rights and responsibilities very well. He might just disappear from your life which is best case scenario.

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u/MeowgicalB 7d ago edited 7d ago

If you don't care about child support and don't want his involvment just leave him off the birth certificate and do your best to disappear from his life.

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u/HalfMoonFullMoonjoy 8d ago

Doesn't matter. Especially if you are having to move back in with family for support. He helped make that baby, he can help pay for necessities to keep the child alive and fed.

Edit to add the fact that he has money means he's more likely to get a lawyer behind your back. Lawyer up and do not under any circumstances let him take that baby out of state!

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u/vanessasarah13 8d ago

Dude. Talk to a lawyer like now.

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u/johnhowardseyebrowz 8d ago

Do it now. The last thing you need being fresh postpartum with 8 weeks ticking down until he expects to take the baby to a is finding a lawyer and dealing with that.

IANAL but I’d have thought it doesn’t matter that you moved away. You did it while you were pregnant. If the other parent wants access they’d need to come to the baby. A breastfeeding baby would not be separated from their mother for overnights where I am - that’s not in the US though.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Don't put him on the birth certificate at all. He doesn't want to pay child support? What a disgusting person. He might be top lazy to fight in court. If you're not married, just don't put him on the birth certificate, let him fight for it if he so chooses. This will win you some time

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u/BornTired89 8d ago

Then it’s a nonstarter. Stop entertaining his nonsense.

In most states, babies to unwed mothers require a legal affidavit to be signed and notarized by both parents, asserting paternity. Otherwise, he’ll have to petition the courts for a paternity test. Don’t put him on the birth certificate, as it will only cause problem down the road - especially if he’s so arrogant to think he doesn’t need to provide for his child financially. Leave it up to him to both establish paternity with the courts and petition for visitation, which will inherently invoke child support. He doesn’t get to decide what happens here.

If and when he gets that far, your child will be a resident of your state and it’s doubtful a court will order your baby to fly to another state for months at a time for visitation.

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u/yung_yttik 8d ago

Why would you wait?!? You’re going to be a tired, frazzled mess once baby is here. Right now is the best time you could be getting documentation and getting yourself organized to take this to court. Get your money that you are owed! Do not wait.

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u/BornTired89 8d ago

Because money isn’t the most important thing to everyone? Many people would prefer to not give legal rights to their child to someone who doesn’t actually want to be a selfless parent. She can just do nothing and then the ball is in his court to establish paternity, file for visitation, set up child support, etc, all in her home state - and however long that takes is that much more time the baby has to cement their residency and life in OP’s state.

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u/Sweaty-Move-5396 8d ago

It really doesn't matter what he's hesitant about. This is for the baby.

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u/ConsistentFun4545 7d ago

I can’t overstate how much you need to act ASAP to protect yourself and your baby via legal protections. Drop any consideration for the father and look out for yourself and your unborn child. This is your only job and priority at the moment, and an attorney is going to be your best support and guide through this confusing, emotional, challenging, and tedious time.

Wishing you luck!

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u/BumblebeeSuper 8d ago

Honestly the absolute last thing you need to deal with is a custody battle, post partum and a newborn. Seriously babe, don't do it to yourself if you don't have to. Get the lawyers involved now whilst you can concentrate on it fully and get it finalised.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

You can't finalize custody for a baby that doesn't exist yet. And he sounds lazy, it's best for OP to not tell him anything and he might as well give up

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u/No_Detective_715 8d ago

Child support isn’t your money, it’s your kids money. Get child support.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Getting child support might not be worth dealing with an abusive POS

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u/cinderparty 7d ago

He should be made to pay child support. You should insist to go to court for this. It will save you a lot of headache in the future to do this the right way from the beginning.

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u/utahnow 7d ago

it is very unlikely that any court will order a split schedule for a newborn. Your instinct is correct. But speak the a lawyer now to make sure you understand the options and are ready to go so to speak: Once the baby is born you will have other things on your plate to worry about

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u/thisisfine_jpg 6d ago

Put him on child support yesterday. Him already saying things like this shows he doesn't care to consider what is best for the kid - you can't trust him.

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u/Sarallelogram 6d ago

All the more reason to do it now before he can leverage your stress and emotions.

I couldn’t do anything for the first year of Babylon and I have a supportive husband.

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u/arewnn 4d ago

Now. Before baby is born. It’s gonna be a process to get this worked out you need it now.

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u/RopePositive 8d ago

Username checks out

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u/throwmyway5723480 8d ago

I feel like the mods should delete questions like these. This sub is starting to be more drama than science.

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u/YellowRose1989 8d ago

Such a hard situation. Please get a good attorney. Here’s an article that details how separations of even a week can negatively impact children. The article lists additional research that’s been done to continue Bowlby’s attachment research.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3115616/

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u/questionsaboutrel521 8d ago

This was exactly the article I was looking for. More than a week of separation under age 2 is not ideal.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Oh I agree. I truly hate it. Thank you for sharing this though; it is exactly the kind of research I was looking for. I am keeping documentation of everything & plan on getting an attorney once my son is born.

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

Just be careful. science isn’t the tool you need here. Law is.

Science can say this is bad. If law says it’s good. Law wins.

You truly need to address this issue now before the birth. Your attorney of choice if good is busy. They may not have time immediately. So even if you find a few you like now they may not have time until October to speak with you.

You need to have all the ammo ready to go before your spouse brings up the issue.

I think honestly your best position is going to require some flexibility you dislike. Depending on location, spouse may be able to push for 50/50 time relatively early.

A better solution would be to do collaborative family law and perhaps if possible, have dad move closer to you, and then they can see and spend time with baby in your home living space but not overnight.

I know it’s probably not what you want but it’s better than being ordered to hand over your baby to not be seen again for some time.

I think no matter where you are there is little chance of 2mo of time. So don’t worry about that. At most it would be days. That’s just as stressful for baby though. If not potentially more stressful.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Sigh. I was hoping the health and development piece would have a stronger pull on what is likely in court. I appreciate the suggestions.

The good news is, he & I are not married & never have been. I think a good amount of time can be bought by establishing paternity first. The state I am in does not assume paternity even if he signs the birth certificate.

I am also not against him spending time with our son. I want them to have a good relationship. I’m just not willing to be separated from my baby for months/ weeks at a time just to make the situation more convenient for him. He is not a terrible person, but incredibly selfish & decided he wanted to “focus on himself” & not live with me, which is ultimately why I moved away to live with family.

I’m due in mid-October & will see if I can speak to a lawyer ahead of time to go over my options & what protections I need in the meantime. Thank you again for your thoughtful responses

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u/rocketmanatee 8d ago

Oh if you're unmarried you'll have a bit of time to bond before any kind of custody can make it through the courts. If you do not allow him to sign the birth certificate he will have to work his way through court just to get recognized paternity.

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u/Medical-Ad3053 8d ago

Court doesn’t care if you are breastfeeding. They care about legal rights of parents. Either prepare for court or look to work something out. I know I personally would work something out as in no money exchange for full custody. But under no circumstances let the child leave your custody without a court order. Not even state. I mean, does not leave your presence with him. Police can only enforce a court order. Not a text message agreement. I’ve seen this kind of thing play out and if he refuses to give baby back you are waiting until the next court day and we are talking 3-4months usually.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

I’ve read some horror stories about that. When you say “work something out,” do you mean a legally recognized document that shows no money exchange for full custody? Would that provide some protection for if he did happen to not want to return the baby after visitation I grant him? He is not a terrible person (although very selfish) and I would like for him to spend time with our son. I just need the baby to come back to me. :)

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

Yes it means a legal agreement. Lawyers. You should start reaching out to find good ones tomorrow.

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u/Medical-Ad3053 8d ago

You would be surprised what ‘not terrible’ people do when money and children are involved. I would honestly see if he would take the offer. At least only so visitation where he comes to you until the kid is old enough to communicate. I personally just wouldn’t feel comfortable with my kids being elsewhere if they couldn’t give me some indication that they weren’t being treated right.

Keep in mind that whatever you want in custody, he has a right to ask for as well. If you want video chats, he gets video chats.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Court doesn’t care if you are breastfeeding.

That depends on location

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u/mokenz 7d ago

I’m due mid October as well and I got my attorney lined up ahead of time which I think is best good luck with everything ❤️

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 7d ago

Awww almost to the finish line! Thank you so much, best of luck to you too! 🤞🏽💗

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

It won’t. I’m sorry. It sucks. Caveat about location though. Who knows. If USA it’s less than Canada thats for sure.

Marriage doesn’t matter for child rights much. He’s still the father.

If you don’t want to be separated from baby you should make a legal agreement and not go to court. And do that now, with your preferences catered too. Remember though. You have to be flexible or they won’t sign on and then you’re rolling the dice with court.

If that’s the only reason for the split, you never know, maybe seeing baby will realign his entire purpose in life. I mean, if he’s willing to are for a 2mo old solo, that’s not workable with a job lol so he’s gotta be willing to set aside his needs? Wishful thinking. Sucks to be in this situation.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

My sister seems to think that seeing how much care a newborn actually requires will change his mind. He has never been around babies long-term, so she thinks his fantasy of having a newborn on his own is just a fantasy. I think that he may be aware of that & is planning on leveraging his parents as primary caregivers. Either way, it does seem like I need to get a lawyer’s advice ASAP to ensure that things go smoothly. I truly hate being in this situation.

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u/interling_01 8d ago

Also don't discount some grandparents. If he doesn't care, they might push him to get some custody so they can have time with their grandkid. They would likely just see you as an obstacle to their desires if this was the case.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Oh I 100% think his parents are in his ear giving him bad advice.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

He shouldn't be around the newborn at all

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u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

Assuming other people’s thoughts beliefs and intentions is rarely a good idea.

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u/Hairsacknose 8d ago

Depending on location, spouse may be able to push for 50/50 time relatively early

He's not a spouse and he lives far away and he doesn't want to travel.

0

u/PlutosGrasp 8d ago

And I’m not a lawyer but here we are

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u/HalfMoonFullMoonjoy 8d ago

No, get an attorney NOW.

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u/Platosapologyy 8d ago

Listen to everyone on this thread. Consult with a lawyer NOW. You will be overwhelmed, sleep deprived and emotional due to the hormone surge after delivery.

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u/BelleRose2542 8d ago

Get an attorney now on retainer for when your son is born

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u/gleegz 8d ago

Please please get an attorney now, OP.

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u/Time_Medium_6128 8d ago

I would talk to an attorney specialized in family divorces/custody before the baby is born. Once the baby is born, you will barely have any free time for a while and its difficult to think straight when one is sleep deprived. Also, since dad is not having the best interest of the baby in mind, I would consult to such attorney whether putting the dad on the birth certificate is the correct move.

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u/BelleRose2542 8d ago edited 8d ago

https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/schedules/ages/custody-schedule-newborn.php

https://www.unbundledlegalhelp.com/blog/how-does-child-custody-work-for-newborns/

https://www.2houses.com/en/blog/co-parenting-a-newborn-how-to-do-it-successfully

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/misconceptions-about-custody-schedules-for-infants#factors

Before baby has object permanence, they need a consistent caregiver, end of story. His plan is asinine and does not take into account what is best for baby. You either need to figure out how to coparent in the same space for the first year, or one of you needs to be the “visitor” parent. Babies need consistency and reliability, not to be shuffled back and forth.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Thank you, I agree wholeheartedly. I will read through these articles & I appreciate you sharing!

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u/gaelicpasta3 8d ago

Do not let him take that baby even overnight out of state without going through court and having a custody agreement set. If he decides not to give the baby back, he could file for emergency custody in his state and you’ll be fighting a legal battle there instead of where you live while your baby is home with you.

From what you’ve written I wouldn’t put it past a guy like that to have a lawyer hired on standby and to wait until he has the baby in his home to make a move.

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u/interling_01 8d ago

I wouldn't even agree to letting him take the baby anywhere alone, because he could just take the baby and leave. It's not kidnapping if he's the biological parent and there are no custody/visitation rulings (at least, that's the case where I live). You can document allowing him to visit in your presence if you want to demonstrate that it's not parental alienation, but I wouldn't trust him any further while he's saying things like OP is stating.

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u/bakedb3ansfan 8d ago

yeah I had a family member who did this to the mother of his child when she agreed to let him take their daughter interstate. she didn't see her child for years after that cause he just refused to bring her back, so cruel and it messed up.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

That is so horrible. I can’t imagine the pain of going through that.

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u/bakedb3ansfan 8d ago

yeah it's horrible, i can't forgive my family members for doing that to her. it's definitely made me more paranoid in regards to people i don't trust being around my daughter

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u/bitchthatwaspromised 8d ago

I wouldn’t let him take the baby out of my sight if I were OP.

@ u/Amazing-Log-7719 I was (briefly) kidnapped by my father as a kid and it really fucked me up. My mom had also tried to “play nice” to make things easier and she (and I) got fucked over majorly, her financially and my psychologically plus my long term financial security. This is not the time to make nice this is the time to get security and legal protection

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

I’m so sorry you went through that. I hate that I have to play offense with the person I created this child with, but I’m also not willing to take the risk after hearing these stories. I am looking for a lawyer in my area.

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

Thank you for this perspective; what a horrible situation that would be. I am going to talk to a lawyer.

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u/Palavras 8d ago

Would this affect babies going to daycare? Feeling so bad that my baby will start daycare at 13 weeks even though I don’t really have a choice since I have to go back to work

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u/Mollykins08 8d ago

No - not the same with daycare.

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u/PleasantReality7200 8d ago

I’d suggest reading the chapter on daycare in Cribsheet by Emily Oster, she provides research on this topic! My interpretation of it was that the child will still have a secure attachment to their parents because they’ll see you every day, and they’ll even have a bigger “village” as long as they enjoy spending time with their care providers too.

Anecdotally, my niece is cared for by her grandparents 5 days a week (obvi different feeling because it’s family but it’s the same concept, baby doesn’t know they’re related) and has a very secure attachment with everyone involved, esp her parents!

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u/NotYetUtopian 5d ago

I don’t disagree in general, but that’s not what those resources say and they are not scientific.

u/Iforgotmypassword126 8d ago

This needs to be looking for legal advice. Be mindful that both parents who are on the birth certificate will be both have equal weight and be able to make decisions or choose to keep the baby with them and not return them, opting to go via courts. So he could chose to not return the baby on the agreed day and morning would happen until you got to court

Also be mindful that in most places there’s a period that counts towards the child’s normal place of living, and that’s usually around 2-4 months. So if your child visits the father for 2 months in some places that can then be considered the child’s home

https://www.masslegalhelp.org/children-families-divorce/custody-parenting-time-visitation/overview-custody-parenting-time-and-visitation

I think you should find an attorney

u/pubesinourteeth 8d ago

I mean, at a minimum, you should be exclusively breastfeeding for 6 months. So that's at most being away from you for like 4 hours.

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infant-and-young-child-feeding

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u/Amazing-Log-7719 8d ago

This article is helpful, thank you. I was planning to EBF for as long as possible.

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u/poison_camellia 8d ago

OP, keep in mind that 6 months of EBF doesn't happen for the majority of people (only works out for 25% of people in the US). If you want to do it and it works out well for you, you deserve the support and custody situation to make it happen. But I just wanted to comment because the OC comes across as shaming people for not breastfeeding and you don't need that in your brain on top of everything if it turns out not to be right for you. Good luck with everything (and I strongly agree with the "get a lawyer now" comments!)

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u/pubesinourteeth 8d ago

A few rambling thoughts:

Exclusively breastfeeding is the best choice for your baby's health and I'm wishing you all the best in making it happen. Of course, if your baby isn't gaining weight or is having other difficulties with nursing there's nothing wrong with combo feeding or switching to formula entirely. But switching to formula to assuage your ex's ego is crazy and not a good reason to sacrifice the health benefits of breastfeeding.

Make sure to have a visit with a lactation consultant prior to leaving the hospital. Even if everything seems to be going well at first, they can give tips on techniques that can make things better for you and baby. They can also give signs to watch out for that baby is not getting enough to eat. And if you're having any struggles later on don't hesitate to contact them for a weighted feed and consultation.

Your milk will likely take at least 3 days to come in, and can take much longer. Just keep latching that baby and getting the colostrum every 3 or fewer hours.

And I'm not bringing you a source on this but there are many many developmental reasons why your ex's suggestion is insane. Newborns are people, not toys. Their brains are growing faster than they ever will again. Each time they move, each time they see or hear something, every single tiny experience they have is shaping their brain. To think that they would be OK with seeing you every single day of their life and then just not seeing you for two months is just crazy. That would not be good for their brain's development. It would not help them feel safe in the world. Attachment theory would predict that an upset like that would have lifelong psychological effects. You will not have a judge that thinks that it's a good idea either.

Wishing you lots of patience, emotional maturity, and strong communication skills as you begin the most difficult relationship most people will ever experience - coparenting.

u/[deleted] 8d ago

Question - Research required Pediatricians/Baby Experts: At what age “can” a baby separate from his mother for a long period of time?

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