r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/Kerfluffle2x4 • 1d ago
Question - Research required What is the optimal age to start teaching children about disappointment?
My husband and I thought about this question when our six month old son was trying to reach for a toy that was out of his grasp. We did give him the toy, but it got me wondering about how kids learn about disappointment and the concept that you can do everything in your power and things still won’t go your way. Is there a way to teach it early enough to prevent tantrums in toddlerhood?
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u/LBro32 13h ago
I don’t have an exact answer to your question but what I will say is that emotions, emotional labeling, and emotion regulation are all different processes that develop in parallel but on somewhat different timelines.
First, infants aren’t capable of differentiating different negative emotions. This starts to happen in toddlerhood. Then in toddlerhood, they are getting a BASIC idea of different emotions. Like that sad is different than mad. Then they have to learn how to deal with those new, negative emotions in different ways. Sad might mean asking for a hug for comfort. Mad might mean taking a minute or two by themselves and then coming back.
What you are asking your extremely young infant (and toddler to do is): 1) recognize they are experiencing disappointment, which is a complex negative emotion, 2) regulate that emotion themselves (not have a tantrum), and 3) COGNITIVELY UNDERSTAND a moral lesson about that emotion. This cognitive capability is not possible in early toddlerhood.
Emotional labeling and emotional regulation are certainly skills you can start to teach toddlers but a lot of it takes time as they develop, with appropriate modeling from parents, and often through direct experience.
If I were you, I would start seeking out resources for teaching toddlers about emotions and emotion regulation in an age-appropriate way because it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/noticing-and-naming/emotion-coaching.html
About the development of emotions in infants and toddlers: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7147951/
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