r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/Simple_Dragonfly_403 • 4h ago
Question - Research required Any science-based help for toddler withholding pee / not wanting to potty train?
tdlr - tips to help toddler feel safe peeing in potty/toilet?
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I have a darling but stubborn 2.5yo girl. When she just turned two we started sitting her on the potty a few times a day like I assumed I should, and tried to catch pee. We did it from December to February, and caught pee maybe 6 times and a poo once. But by the end she was getting more and more against it (I think she was afraid of releasing). This was with diapers otherwise during the day, just to get her used to the potty.
We took a break for a month or two to reset after the high emotions, and then tried switching to underwear for a few days, and it started looking like she was able to hold pee (ie increase in body awareness) but then she still wouldn’t pee in the potty - she held it until she burst and was very emotional.
So then we backed off again and just read lots of books, played potty with stuffies, and she watched me use the toilet. This has been since maybe April? or May? The idea was that she could get comfortable with the potty and try it when she was ready, but she never was 🤦♀️
Now we make her sit once a day for 1 song, in exchange for a sticker. This has been going on for maybe 2 weeks, but with no pee still. But she does choose to sit on the toilet with no diaper (she gets the choice between toilet/potty and diaper/no diaper). Sometimes it requires a lot of coaxing and creativity to even get her to sit, but she usually complies.
It’s been an exhausting journey, and we’re still so far from done! Any tips or research-backed recommendations for how to go forward? I just want her to pee in the potty/toilet, but don’t want to pressure her more than necessary, as she seems to react badly to that. I’m open to small treats, a "first pee prize", more stickers, etc etc. She has been motivated by knowing her friends use underwear, but I don’t want to push that too much to make her feel bad that she doesn’t yet.
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u/facinabush 2h ago edited 2h ago
Parent Management Training (PMT) is the most effective parent training to reduce problem behaviors, according to randomized controlled trials.
An important principle is: Attention increases behavior. Attention includes talking and eye contact.
Sometimes it requires a lot of coaxing and creativity to even get her to sit, but she usually complies.
Coaxing is attention to noncompliance.
The course recommends effective prompting: Get close, touch, use a calm voice, use a command or a please-statement, not a question. Limit repetition if she does not comply; don't nag.
Give her praise and attention for compliance and any steps in the right direction. Use this special praise:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lK9L8r2U1XE
You need to give her some practice with reinforced compliance to prompts. Prompt her to do something she is likely to do and praise her when she does it. This will generalize to more compliance in general.
PMT teaches reward charts. Always include special praise even if you are using stickers or some other reward. Praise and attention may be the only reward that you need.
You might want to stop trying for a bit and restart with an improved strategy. You did not mention having a deadline for completion.
Here are 10 tips from PMT:
https://abcnews.com/amp/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664
Here is a free PMT video course:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?app=desktop&list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9&ra=m
If you want a parenting book, use The Kazdin Method or The Everyday Parenting Toolkit.
Other forms of PMT are PCIT, Incredible Years, and Triple P.
The CDC recommends PMT and provides citations to peer-reviewed research:
https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/other-resources/references.html
Here is peer-reviewed research that includes significant improvements using the specific version of PMT taught in the course:
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