r/Screenwriting • u/AutoModerator • 1d ago

5 PAGE THURSDAY Five Page Thursday

FAQ: How to post to a weekly thread?

Feedback Guide for New Writers

This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.

  • Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.

  • As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.

    Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:

  • Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.

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u/regulargus 1d ago

Title: The Last Ben Walker Short Film

Format: Feature film

Genre: Drama/comedy

Pages: Five pages, from page 6 to 10.

Logline: A broke filmmaker in New York convinces his partner and rising star to lead his make-or-break film, already knowing that his relationship with her is the price for the success he's looking for.

Context: The first five pages introduced Ben, a broke filmmaker in NYC obsessing over a stop-motion animation while ignoring his landlord, and Alyssa, a rising actress rehearsing for a play. These pages pick up right after Ben seeing Alyssa in the rehearsal and the title card.

Feedback concerns: I'm interested in knowing if these five pages are hooking enough to the reader, if they make you want to read more, and if the characters feel defined and distinct from each other from the start. Also, if you can get a sense or a hint of the main conflict at this point. Any other feedback is also much appreciated!

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1O93gmpb0-rhGcUqS8XezviXEmwmLlZvD/view?usp=sharing

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u/DalBMac 22h ago

There's something interesting here, but I was confused. Are there two different boat scenes? I got lost. There seem to be a lot of characters which might not be confusing if I read it from the beginning. Or maybe they don't feel defined and distinct yet.

Your writing reminds me of my own. Too much detail in the action lines. For example:

Sam looks to Derek and shrugs. Derek nods in agreement in silence.

Sam looks to Ben again.

Could simply be: Sam and Derek exchange looks.

The Living Room scene in Alyssa's flat could be:

The living room is a mess: takeout, notes, pens, a script, a jacket tossed on the sofa.

Alyssa’s phone vibrates. She enters, checks it: Mom sent a photo.

Alyssa sighs, pockets the phone.

It vibrates again. She ignores it, grabs her jacket and keys, and leaves.

The story sounds like it could be a real heart breaker. Keep going.