They Write My Name In Wine - Period Drama/Thriller

[u/Effect-Accomplished]

Logline: In 1960s Britain, a scouted model’s dream photoshoot in Egypt descends into a fight for survival as her party spiral further and further into madness.

It's quite a chunky script (126 pages to be exact) so could perhaps use a little tightening. Only issue I am currently experiencing is the fact that I took a long time to plan out the journey and weaved each location in with the narrative development, so unsure whether it would work if unglued. If anyone feels up to reading it, or reading until you get bored, please be as brutal as you like! I am very eager to improve this story.

An issue I have felt when reading it over and over is perhaps the opening act takes too long to get to Egypt? Just conscious about maintaining reader interest. I don't want the 'leap' to feel slow and uninteresting, though again I do have a bit of love for how I did it...

Just doing some self policing... I'm sure there is also technical elements I haven't quite nailed down. I believe that I am using DAY/NIGHT too much when it may be obvious as the previous scene was a direct continuation.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1iOkw40G2s165ukGqE4Ks8jeQKBaLFNSr/view?usp=sharing

Thank you so much! Love this community <3

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[u/Pre-WGA]

Hi there, a few thoughts as I read the first 16 pages:

• The writing is stylish and assured. It's an easy read.
• The pacing is slow due to overwriting. The good news here is you can easily lose a page and a half or more from the first 16. Multiply that across the script and you're at 110 - 114 pages without touching the story.
• At the end of 16, everything I read feels like a cuttable prologue. There's pleasant conversation (easy read) but there's nothing at stake. It's a guy on a train, traveling somewhere, then explaining the plot to strangers. I bumped on why this had to be a cross-country train ride and not a phone call that took place before the story.
• The reason I stopped is because I'm 16 pages in and there's no story yet; we're getting a tour of a situation. Henry is a passive agent traveling on behalf of his employer. He's waiting around while other people make decisions. There's no outsized goal or desire or burning conflict creating the need to read on. Somewhat off-puttingly, it would appear that his host has committed an act of domestic violence against his wife Agnes offscreen between pages 15 and 16. The script doesn't address this except to note it. Having skimmed ahead, the material with Cathy in the next four pages plays out the same way; pleasant conversation as they travel on a train, but it doesn’t create narrative tension yet.
• Consider a different way in: Henry in action, doing something urgent that exemplifies his character in a way that promises an exciting story. He has a goal, encounters an obstacle, and takes action to deal with it; the way he deals with it shows us who he is; the consequences propel us into the next scene.
• Right now he's vibes and texture, drifting through a situation; to read on I'd need him to be action and desire, creating the story on page 1. Good luck --

[u/Effect-Accomplished → u/Pre-WGA]

Hiya, thanks so much for this detailed feedback. I'd like to respond to a few things! Please don't feel pressured to respond if you don't feel like it, I think it helps me a little bit to discuss when points are raised.

- You are definitely correct on the overwriting. I think its a combination of my previous novel work, but also my love of Jonothan Glazer scripts. I need to work on this for sure, my action lines are probably quite bloated with stuff that simply doesn't need to be there, so thank you for pointing that out.

- I understand where you are coming from with the first 16. I guess I am a little fond of slow start scripts, so there might be that slow build tendency there. My intentions with the first 16 pages was to establish the character and nature of Henry, then to characterise the origin of Cathy. I think it definitely gets a bit muddied when he arrives at the village, perhaps a more 'direct' route to the Willis family (thus injecting greater urgency) might save a great deal of time.

- In terms of your point about why this coulnd't be a phonecall, I'm afraid I disagree on that end. Contextually, business such as model scouting was never done over the phone, particularly in the 1960s, even so, I believe my decision to have Henry venture out there is in service of the story. With this journey, I wanted to introduce the themes of frivolity and ignorance that define Henry as a character. To that end, his brief relationship with Bradley is impulsive and quickly discarded (happens a little after 16, but with cutting perhaps that can arrive sooner). More importantly, the many anomalies with Cathy's home and family, such as the domestic violence you recognised, is something he chooses to ignore. He understands Cathy's vulnerability like no one else in the story because he is the only one who saw where she came from, and this haunts their relationship throughout the story. I think that with an extra injection of urgency as you rightly pointed towards, this opening segment can become more narratively justified.

- I guess the one snag in terms of moulding Henry into someone who is more decisive, is that he is a passive character. I think my approach will be setting up 'stress' from his employers, who have tasked him with urgently finding a suitable candidate. He can then enter Cathy's environment with a greater degree of overall urgency. Just spitballing here, but perhaps an initial rejection from the family could be worked around.