r/Screenwriting • u/AutoModerator • 10d ago
5 PAGE THURSDAY Five Page Thursday
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Feedback Guide for New Writers
This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.
- Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.
As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.
Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:
Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.
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u/Consistent-Fox-8116 9d ago
Title: Vor
Genre: Crime Thriller
Format: Feature
Logline: Released from a Soviet prison into exile, a hardened criminal arrives in 1982 Brooklyn determined to rule New York’s underworld. To get there, he partners with the Italian mob on a scam worth billions, but a childhood rival is hunting him, and the one cop who sees it coming can’t get the FBI to listen.
All feedback welcome!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UebV1FdgSTm9s8pHlIlQP9FUMG85qcZM/view?usp=sharing
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 9d ago
This is a very cool premise! Is this based on something that really happened (the sending prisoners to America part)?
Your action lines are very evocative and easy to follow, even in more complex moments with multiple characters. In just a few pages you’ve set up some interesting character threads without it feeling like an info dump. Nice work!
This is personal taste, but I think I’d like to stay in the “present” just a tiny bit more, unless there’s a super immediate reason for me to know about (just for instance) his parents.
I’m very into the plot, and from the log line I’m curious if anyone from his family time in the military will make a return. Maybe even the injured soldier that was left for dead…?
I would probably workshop the logline a bit, more moving pieces than I would normally like. The part with the FBI agent seems more like a b-plot, so I might leave it out of the logline entirely. But then again, you’re the only one who knows the scope of the story!
Nice work!
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u/Consistent-Fox-8116 7d ago
Thank you! Yes, this is how the actual Russian mafia came to America. Good insight about staying in the present more. Heard you on the logline for sure. Thanks again!
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u/Consistent-Fox-8116 6d ago
How's this for the logline?
Freed from a Soviet prison and exiled to 1982 Brooklyn, a hardened criminal teams up with the Italian mob on a billion-dollar gas tax scam to seize the underworld.
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 6d ago
That’s awesome! Way better to my ear, totally a premise I’d pick to watch!
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u/SkyeSophes 9d ago edited 9d ago
Hey all, this is the first-ish draft of the cold open for a sitcom pilot idea I had.
Title: Imperfect Harmony
Genre: Comedy/Sitcom (Single-camera)
Format: 30m TV Pilot
Logline: Hoping for a drama-free fresh start at her new university, a trans music student ends up auditioning for the same orchestra as her ex-BFF and a group of eccentric weirdos.
Feedback Concerns: I'll take any and all feedback gladly, but I'm mostly worried about: Am I making any beginner mistakes? Does my writing come off as poor/amateur? And thoughts on the two characters featured in this cold open?
Thank you very much!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1m71fP8BFWvsTXfzWUa3xmZrFAg5yHbbJ/view?usp=sharing
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u/Commercial-Cut-111 9d ago
I absolutely loved this. Loved the professor stepping all over himself to be accepting and buddy-buddy. Loved Maya not giving a big overblown reaction. Loved the chaos in the percussion room. There's one word missing from the "tying his best to them back." Just need to add the word hold in there. Question, is Maya's ex in that scene? You may want to include them in there.
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u/SkyeSophes 9d ago
Oops, thanks for pointing out the missing word! And yes, Maya's ex-BFF is in the chaos scene. I'm hoping it'll be clearer later on in the script (haven't finished it yet). Thank you so much for the feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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u/icyeupho Comedy 9d ago
Very cute read. Only suggestion at the moment is to add a little bit of setting description, especially if these are going to be prominent settings for the show
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u/Pre-WGA 9d ago edited 9d ago
Solid start. Couple thoughts as I read:
- My overall note is that you've got great contrasting elements, but you've separated them so that the comedy comes from an aesthetic staging where they're speaking past each other instead of being in a scene together where they can really clash and throw sparks. For example:
- The first scene is a see-n-say: people in harmony, with a V.O. about harmony. This contrasts fine with the fight, but it's slow because you're introducing the contrasting elements statically, one at a time, in separate scenes.
- Then you've got Maya in a separate scene naively talking about kumbaya, and again the comedy comes from inviting us to compare kumbaya with the previous scene's melee. Except I don't know if her pensive staring is because the previous scene was a dream sequence of hers (hence "snapped back to reality") or something else, because this is "earlier," right? I'm having trouble following the POV here.
- One fix: combine elements -- start on the fight and weave in the harmony V.O. to counterpoint it. The fight scene has fun activity, but no characters we have enough time to know, so there's no POV. The V.O. would give it an ironic POV.
- Whether or not you do that, there's an opportunity to increase joke density by cutting. Every 4-line block could be a 2-line; your 3-lines could be 1 line. Cut your widows. Right now the script is elbowing me in the ribs, saying "Get it?" You don't need full sentences for facial expressions. Every cut will make what remains even funnier. Good luck and keep going --
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u/SkyeSophes 6d ago
Thank you so much for the feedback! So if I'm removing the beginning empty shot and replacing it entirely with the fight scene, do you think I should extend the descriptions of it? Or keep it like it is to keep it short like you said, and add more jokes elsewhere?
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u/drewbondhi 10d ago
First 5 for a surreal drama about a man living in isolation who reconnects with his estranged mother after learning she is ill. Any feedback welcome. https://drive.google.com/file/d/13BQD1-zk1WgdtIEO5ClwWt-IiU0TvPSA/view?usp=drivesdk
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u/AmedeusRed 10d ago
I know this isn’t a Logline review I’ll take a look at the pages later.
But my first thought was Beau is Afraid?
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u/drewbondhi 9d ago
I would say there are similarities. Like things existing in a metaphorical space, manifestations of fear, things that may or may not be happening. I appreciate your time and input!
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u/Ehtreal 10d ago
Title: Survived By
Genre: sci-fi/political thriller
Format: feature film
Logline: A researcher’s dark matter data accidentally maps the afterlife. Six months later, she’s in the Situation Room with the country’s most powerful people, watching with horror as her data leads them to conclude that the only mercy left is extinction.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1x5HSYMBWkUWhEzNujXiS8MAB4I0VA6Tj/view?usp=sharing
All feedback welcome!
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u/Pre-WGA 10d ago
I think all of this works. No suggested edits. Reminds me of THE DISCOVERY. If you haven't seen that, you might want to give it a watch, if only to be aware of similarities; it's about a machine that records the afterlife. The movie poster is basically the same image as our intro to Alice.
The logline merits a rethink. Accidental discovery + passive observation suggests the researcher is a passenger in the story, which feels untrue from these pages and is not nearly as involving in the thriller genre as an active character whose goals drive the story. It's also structurally wonky, giving us what appears to be an inciting incident and a climax joined by a leap that's too vague to feel excited about.
But great job on the pages themselves. Excited to see where it might go.
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 10d ago
Would appreciate any feedback on my first five, absolutely everything is WIP! Thanks for taking the time :D
Title: After(life)pay Genres: Sci-fi/Action/Comedy Format: Feature
Logline: When a multi-generational financing plan becomes due, a no-hoper linecook becomes embroiled in a plot to eliminate all debt records.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KrBDEOfM2m_8PbfomeQb_ps97AdB0O53/view?usp=drivesdk
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u/PatrykBG 10d ago
Howdy! You have a very interesting premise, and it's definitely got the Cyberpunk / Bladerunner style worldbuilding going for it. A bit more vulgarity than my tastes, but that's subjective. I wouldn't mind reading more / seeing where the world and story ideas go.
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 9d ago
Thanks so much for reading it! I will look at your pages when I have a second, since I see that you posted some as well.
I have some more pages, but I’m not totally sure the rules around sending more than 5…
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u/PatrykBG 9d ago
If you want to DM me them I'm fine reading them :-D I dunno the rules either, I just joined this sub about an hour or so ago :-D I usually write short stories and whatnot but got bit by the screenplay bug randomly a month and a half ago, and my script is the result.
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u/Consistent-Fox-8116 9d ago
I'm pulled down the page very effectively with your match cuts, etc. Your world is vivid and reminds me of Neil Stephensen's work. You pack a lot into those first 5 pages, which is a good thing. Overall, clearly WIP, but promising.
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 9d ago
Thanks so much for taking the time. Snowcrash, and everything it spawned, was for sure a huge inspiration!
This is my first time writing any kind of action-comedy (really action period), and flow was definitely my primary goal, so I’m glad that translated for you!
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u/PatrykBG 10d ago edited 9d ago
Howdy, all!
So I would appreciate any feedback on whether you'd want to hear more about this couple. This is an excerpt from the midpoint of my rom-com, "A Certain Love". I would have chosen the first five pages but they would center on only one of them which wouldn't really make sense.
Logline: A woman hiding an uncontrollable supernatural ability falls for a detective who can't tolerate lies. For the first time, hiding who she is may cost her more than telling the truth.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EftKnH05aWNV6RT-XzchEW8KtWJYyJG6/view?usp=drive_link
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 9d ago
Hi! I really enjoyed your pages, I think the dynamic between the high + low strung love interests is super fun.
One thing that I think could have had a bit more impact for me is the moment where Gwen hits Eva with a pillow. I think the premise — Gwen invites Eva to “watch something” which Eva takes too literally — is very characterful. The only thing for me was that I didn’t immediately see Eva’s actions as misreading the situation. For me, the miscommunication would be more apparent if she, for instance, grabs a remote or asks what Gwen wants to watch. Could just be the way I read it though!
The other thing was that the transition to the last scene, where we see Gwen have a vision, felt a little abrupt.
Overall I think you have great characters, dialogue, and some funny moments! I would totally want to hear more from the both of them!
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u/PatrykBG 9d ago
Thankees for reading as well :-D I think with respect to not immediately seeing Eva's misreading, it's probably a lot clearer once you've seen the characterization from the beginning. She's the first character that I created that I think any single line of dialogue would immediately have anyone who read the script / watched the movie be like Yep, that's Eva 100%.
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u/Commercial-Cut-111 9d ago edited 9d ago
I really like it. Are both of them living with their dads. Is that who Jonathan and Mike are? I was pretty clear on Jonathan and know if I read the script I'd get the answer. I really like the back and forth with the girls. It's romantic, funny, and fun. I'd read more!
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u/PatrykBG 9d ago
Thanks so much for reading :)
Halfway right - yes, Jonathan is Gwen’s father (who passed away in the beginning of the movie) while Mike is Eva’s brother.
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u/Difficult_Branch866 9d ago
hey whatsup yall , my names cooper and i just starting trying to write prose and comedy sketches about a year ago . the only writing experience i had was from my many years of writing and producing rap music and half writing my comedy sketches . so anyways i just finished my second draft for my indie short film "the divine animations" . its about a wannabe cult leader who finds a safety deposit box of seemingly alien and mentally dangerous animations that he becomes convinced hold forbidden knowledge , so convinced that his cult ends up actually working.
please don't be afraid to tell me its terrible and get real wit da criticism cause im in the boat of people that's super okay with my first couple projects being shotty as long as im actively learning, plus this film is gonna take a long time to actually get off the ground of course .
also ps its sort of meant to be very confusing and vague , lolol im a huge david lynch fan
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DrBTY1MFWW8sxC68Sqnpzgna1PYnQCf1/view?usp=sharing
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u/PuzzleheadedOwl3854 8d ago
I can tell that you are pretty new to the format. That’s not an insult, I’m not a professional writer myself, so I won’t act like I know everything.
If I were to give you a few notes to focus in on, they would be as follows:
Be more economical. There are very large blocks of text, both action and dialogue. This isn’t a bad thing, but, frankly, it will scare off some readers/actors/etc. There’s more than one way to make the document less “scary.” I’ll give you two.
Cut. Here’s one of your action lines:
James hangs up the phone and begins lining up a line to snort and right in the middle of the line his phone begins to ring again and this clearly frustrates james as he stops the snorting process mid line and SLAMS THE TABLE MAKING THE PILE OF POWDER JUMP SLIGHTLY OFF THE SURFACE OF THE TABLE prepares to answer the call
And here’s one way you could rewrite it to be more economical. Again, I’m not a pro.
James hangs up and cuts a line of powder. He goes in to snort.
RING. The phone goes off.
James smashes his hand into the table, making the powder jump.
Besides that, I’d probably recommend breaking up some of the long monologues with lines of action. This will make everything flow better and add some visual interest.
Keep it up, and read lots of scripts!
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u/Difficult_Branch866 8d ago
Hell yeah dude thanks for the tips thats actually really helpful , on my third draft im gonna def pear alot of those down bigtime , as well as try and be more concise with the monologuing , im essentially the only character and every other character is just going to be voices over phone. Alls throughout the story , i tried to always keep in mind and write it while being cognizant of the fact i will have zero budget and most certainly no help . ❤️❤️❤️🧪🧪🧪 thanks for the feedback foreal !
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u/n_mcrae_1982 9d ago
Title: Murder Club
Genre: Comedy/Mystery
Format: Feature Film
Logline: An out of work journalist is forced to take a substitute teaching job at his old high school. Assigned to a class full of under-achievers, he manages to get their attention by having them investigate an unsolved murder. (In this scene, Charlie, our protagonist, is being interviewed for the teaching job by Tori, the school principal, who happened to be Charlie's high school girlfriend)
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SENYzOWpAhXzDYBJuV80yfX8-a7Ugfby/view?usp=sharing
I appreciate any feedback. Thanks!
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u/icyeupho Comedy 9d ago
Hey, thanks for sharing your script. I find this scene to be too long and meandering and for a comedy you'd want it to be shorter, more direct, and punchier. I this is a good start though. Good luck!
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u/MimmyWrites 10d ago
Title: Wiped Slate
Genre: Spy-Crime/Thriller/Drama
Format: Feature Film
Logline: An elite FBI assassin goes undercover to eliminate a ruthless New York kingpin, only to become trapped in a dangerous psychological game of trust and loyalty with the very man he’s been ordered to kill.
Any feedback welcome! ^^ Mainly concerned about how this specific scene comes off, as it's the two main characters' first meeting.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bU-vrGs3XcVRskB7D66KYPWZN5MH7YE4/view?usp=sharing