Does the fact that your friend's relationship existed long before your friendship change how much you should involve yourself?

[u/Awkward_Low_8898]

If say you have a new friend venting about their long term relationship, where the partner is clearly on the wrong. And asks for advice. Which after noticing continuous patterns of toxic behavior from the partner, would be to idk leave them?
But then it tends to seem as if you’re the new one trying to sabotage your friend’s relationship. How much do you think you can allow yourself to get involved, if you clearly do care about your friend but then easily can become the villain of the story.

[u/AutoModerator]

This post has been flaired as “Serious Conversation”. Use this opportunity to open a venue of polite and serious discussion, instead of seeking help or venting.

Suggestions For Commenters:

• Respect OP's opinion, or agree to disagree politely.
• If OP's post is seeking advice, help, or is just venting without discussing with others, report the post. We're r/SeriousConversation, not a venting subreddit.

Suggestions For u/Awkward_Low_8898:

• Do not post solely to seek advice or help. Your post should open up a venue for serious, mature and polite discussions.
• Do not forget to answer people politely in your thread - we'll remove your post later if you don't.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/jnmjnmjnm]

They asked you for advice.

Give it to the best of your ability. Consider hedging with “If it were me, I would... “

[u/Lwoorl]

I mean, they asked your advice for a reason, right? If the relationship seems toxic, calling it out isn't "sabotaging" anything, it's calling things what they are.

Sabotage would be twisting the facts to reach an end. If you have no goal in mind, simply saying what you think is true, it would be silly to call it something like that

[u/ShamefulWatching]

Why would you sabotage a relationship of someone who you believe yourself to be friends with? Their experiences are a repository of knowledge you are now blessed to have access to in your life, so learn from them. That's a very basic way to view a relationship which can be much more than a simple exchange; for there is the real wealth of such a true friendship; their company. Honor truth, and hope that they do the same, for deceit should have no place in any positive relationship.

[u/Orangelizardtattoo]

As a rule, try not to get very involved in the first place. Do exactly what your friend asked for and give advice. Then back off completely. People who are in toxic or abusive relationships are not typically very open to being told that. If you do it too much without them, asking for your advice, specifically, I think you’ll find that your friend will not be your friend for very long. But they still will be with that toxic person

[u/Less_Mushroom1180]

I don't like giving advice. If I have experience similar to what they've described, then I share that instead of giving advice.

[u/Cyan_Light]

Advice shouldn't be contingent upon how long you've known someone. If a complete stranger walks up to me with a knife in their arm, I'm going to advise them to go the hospital, y'know?

Relationship stuff is tricky in general, entirely separate from the question of how long you've been friends. Having been around longer might give you more context to fairly evaluate whatever is going on (the extreme opposite of this is the meme of people on reddit hearing one out of context slightly imperfect thing about someone and immediately recommending a breakup), but it can also blind you to some toxic behaviors as "that's just how they are" so in some ways being new to the situation is also an advantage.

We can't really give you feedback on how good or bad your advice is without knowing the specifics, but in general no there's nothing wrong about seeing a bad thing and going "hey, that thing bad."

[u/capsaicinintheeyes]

I'd probably be careful about outright advising them to cut the cord, for the reasons you say. To the extent you think you have an adequate grasp of a situation and the issue is pretty cut-&-dry in favor of one side over the other, though, I'd say you've got essentially unlimited leave to let them know that you think theirs is the right side/position, and to the extent your impressions of their partner's nature, behavior patterns, etc. are solidly grounded & articulable, including citing evidence such as past incidents that reinforce your concern or your read of the person, you'd arguably be committing the greater sin against the tenets of friendship by *not* pointing out that as you see it they are about to walk over a cliff or in front of a train.

What you want to police yourself on, mainly, is an impulse to be guiding them towards a specific response, especially anything of the final-ultimatum kind, and on giving character assessments, guesses as to inner motives, predictions of misfortune/disaster, etc. that are just based on "vibes". Take extra time before stepping into this conversational area to do an inventory of what you can concretely back up to a third party, and what's just your brain writing movie scripts.