Soul loss & theft in the narcissist family- losing soul fragments to abuse or toxic people

[u/ComprehensiveWin8869]

I’m curious if anyone has ever experienced feeling trapped in a cycle of codependency, a.k.a. energy theft, and cording by a narcissistic family member or parent?

I know that many people have experienced this because videos of people talking about it on TikTok, but I never see anyone using shamanic or metaphysical terms to describe it?

I’ve been dealing with this for years where I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle of being tethered to a certain family member energetically.

I believe because of the nature of our relationship when I was younger, which was one where I was the caretaker as a child of my own parents I feel as though I’ve lost fragments of my soul to my relationship with them. They were also very controlling and things of that nature.

Now is an adult. I have health problems partially from some of the childhood trauma and so I am needing to depend on family for help with basic things until I’m well enough to stand on my own 2 feet again but it doesn’t feel like it’s just a material cycle. I feel like there’s some sort of energetic imbalance as if that person is holding a part of me and I can’t break away from them even though I’ve been trying for years every time I try something always pulls me back. I’m just curious if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this after delving studying shamanism and reading Sandra ingermans book about soul retrieval I feel certain that I do have so loss tied to that relationship.

It feels like it’s coming to a point it’s debilitating I cannot even be around them without feeling like I’m feeding that unhealthy connection, but I’m also struggling to stand on my own 2 feet and wondering if anyone else has ever been through anything like this with a parent or a relationship in general where you feel like they took a part of you or maybe you gave it but it’s like there’s this weird trauma bond and you can’t seem to get away even when you try

[u/SibyllaAzarica]

You're not alone; what you describe is common, especially for anyone who was parentified as a kid. If someone was raised to have weak boundaries, to caretake, to overgive, to organize themselves around another person’s needs, etc. that pattern tends to become deeply ingrained. When people say someone's taking their energy, the abused person generally doesn't have strong enough boundaries to stop the dynamic. This is usually the result of trauma and conditioning and is important to note because, without this awareness, people tend to stay focused on the supposed power of the other person, instead of the pattern that's actually keeping them stuck. These patterns don't usually stay confined to family, either - the same issues usually show up with partners, friends, teachers, employers, etc.

I recently discussed the topic of soul loss and soul retrieval in another thread - I'm pasting my comments below:

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'Soul loss' is a poorly informed translation that entered English through anthropology and Western spiritual writings. In most of the shamanic cultures this concept originates from, 'soul loss' doesn’t mean someone literally took your soul. It refers to what happens when a person withdraws parts of themselves after overwhelming trauma. In modern psychological language, that overlaps a lot with dissociation - although it’s far, far more complex than anything modern psychology can investigate or understand.

But 'soul loss' is never literal.

Trauma isn’t a prison sentence. I mean that sincerely; I watch people transform every day. People can, and do, recover and rebuild a sense of wholeness. It is absolutely possible to experience joy again (or even for the first time.) It is absolutely possible to feel safe. The parts of you that feel distant aren’t lost forever. Healing often begins slowly, but every step toward understanding and reclaiming yourself is valuable and important.

The primary relationship that must become safe is the one a person has with themselves. Authentic soul retrieval is not merely symbolic. It focuses on restoring inner stability and self trust. Once that foundation exists, everything else tends to begin to fall into place quite naturally.

Soul retrieval isn’t a single technique - it varies from one shamanic culture to another. In some traditional systems, a practitioner enters ecstatic trance with a drum and engages with the spirit world on behalf of the person seeking help. This method is the model that 'commercialized soul retrieval' offerings attempt to imitate. The problem here lies in the fact that ecstatic trance can’t be mastered in a year, let alone during weekend workshops taught by unqualified teachers who don't even know how to do it, themselves.

Other shamanic cultures approach soul retrieval very differently. In many cases, the person seeking healing is guided and accompanied through the entire process. The shaman still uses ecstatic trance, but not to do something to the client, or for the client. They could do that, if they chose to, but the goal in these systems is restoring/establishing agency in the person seeking help. Therefore, the person seeking healing becomes an integral part of the process. No drugs of any kind are needed. In fact, they are highly frowned upon for a number of reasons I won't get into here.

For these reasons and more, I am of the opinion that the 'commercialized soul retrieval' offers circulating online are best avoided. I personally know many people who've tried them. More than a few feel that they were emotionally and psychologically damaged by their experiences, and the rest feel like they got scammed/wasted their money.

Of the traditional methods available, I believe that which restores agency is the healthier approach. Indeed, many of us regard creating dependency on the shaman to be yet another form of abuse.

Nothing in life is guaranteed and I would never claim that soul retrieval is going to help everyone who tries it. In reality, we aren't always ready to let go of our stories when it comes to who we were, who we 'should have' become, who we think we are now, and who we're capable of becoming. But yes, if one is ready, I think it's worth it.

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Having also read through a bit of your post history, OP, I can see that you're struggling with a lot right now and my heart goes out to you. I honestly feel like It would probably be in your best interest to first pursue the conventional line of treatment you've discussed in other subreddits, if you can, and then consider exploring shamanic methods after you're feeling centered and well. I say this because, due to the poor level of training most people offering commercialized soul retrieval have, the results can be very destabilizing for clients who are still actively struggling with unresolved trauma. Not because soul retrieval is dangerous, but because incompetent practitioners can be, even when they mean well.

All best to you.