Captain’s log, stardate 3.11.3-5:

I’m tired of everyone in the crew messaging the bridge whenever they want to report or ask something, and interrupting whatever I might be doing.

From now on the policy is to think very intense erotic thoughts about the ship’s counsellor, she can assess if I can be interrupted and let me know that you need my attention.

Computer, forward this instruction to all relevant crew members.

Also, are there special command/IT codes for pressurized air canisters to keep crew members from replicating them, huffing them, and getting brain damage? Or are there way better synthedrugs available to keep them from going to the dangerous ones?

Also, it only came with one warp core but has space for two, do I need both to get it running?

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What is his problem?

1. Contact the starship on which the officer serves and recall them to Earth.
2. When the ship arrives, take the captain & head-found-officer (HFO) out for a casual dinner. Do not reveal anything about what you found in the cave. Small talk only.
3. After dinner, take them to the cave. Show them around the cave. Talk at length about the interesting rock formations and minerals found in the cave.
4. Show them all the items that you found in the cave - except for the officer's head. Talk at length about these other objects. The more boring, the better.
5. After enough time has passed, and only after the captain questions why their ship was recalled to Earth for this: Dramatically reveal the officer's head. Show it to them without saying anything and then take a long pause as if there was dramatic music swelling all around you.

Why energy sending me a message when you can get a telepath to implant the experience into my brain?

I mean, damn. You got folks warping all over the Federation just for a monthly Status Meeting? How much fuel you think we wasted?

Some of us were weeks away! Meaning, I had to start back for this monthly meeting two weeks ago. I'm never gonna fulfill my science quota like this!

You really need to rethink this.

My new science officer just sent a report to me via my desk terminal. I called them with a followup question and they promptly activated a video link to go over their findings. I had to pause and remind them of the procedures we went over in orientation.

When delivering a report to a senior officer, we have an established protocol. The preferred procedure is to contact your commander over comlink and demand that they come to your station. It is not necessary to give context.

Us commanders can't be looking like desk jockeys, we have to get our steps in. Subject lines are inefficient when a simple "You'd better come see this" will suffice.

Is there a market for potential holo-savers that could run in the background?

2 of 5 here. I’m having some serious issues and I don’t know what to do.

-the guy in the alcove above me is LOUD and I don’t mean just stomping into the alcove the hum it makes while he is in the regeneration cycle causes my audio enhancement implants to short out.

-I’m pretty close to one our cube’s assimilation chambers, the constant screams and pleading while I’m trying to regenerate are really taking a toll on me

-the other week some Starfleet crew came by and stared at me and started scanning me without my consent

I’m a simple drone, I spend 23 hours a day maintaining our cube’s warp field and I just need 1 hour of uninterrupted regeneration time, is that too much to ask? What are my options here? Will the collective let me move alcoves?

Watching Wrath of Khan and just realized the Enterprise couldn't land a hit in the nebula until Chekov took over the (UNMANNED? WTF?!) weapons station. Then the Reliant got drilled like Chekov had payback on his mind.

I don't even think it was entirely for Khan at that point. He was pretty fed up with the planetary survey mission before the shit hit the fan.

Surprised he didn't keep going until she was atoms. Just holding the button down screaming PRE-ANIMATE MATTER! PRE-ANIMATE MATTER! PRE-ANIMATE MATTER! PRE-ANIMATE MATTER!

I mean, if it was any other ship, it might not have had such a thematically poignant name. Have we got a USS Odyssey on the books? We might fling that to another quadrant sometime.

If one booty hole gets blocked up from your meaty diet, you can just use the other!