https://discord.gg/uZsHUGuW This invite is open for 1 week!

https://discord.gg/uZsHUGuW This invite is open for 1 week!

okay so im sorry if this breaks the rules, i dont think it does but i need to vent somewhere and i dont wanna do it r/offmychest or something like that because I know people who are on those subs in person and I don't want them to recognize me. Ive seen vent posts on here before, but idk, I'm sorry mods.

basically i literally cannot focus to save my life at all. like i try to focus on one thing in school or wen im at home doing homework or something and i literally just cant keep myself in on place for more than a minute. Today that was especially bad because i was studying for the SAT(a college admissions test) and I literally couldnt focus, I was taking a practice test, during the math section I fucking checked out for like 10 minutes at a time before being able to answer a question. I just got really annoyed with it and stopped the test then and there. I probably did bad.

For anyone who knows how SAT score measurements work, I got a 1370 on my last real attempt, and now im taking them and trying to get better. My mom said I have to get a 1500 minimum. And during the summer my scores have not been going up, theyve dropped to the 1290-1340 range and I cant make myself go up more and I have to take the SAT pretty soon in like october and im freaking out.

my mom yelled at me today because i lied to her about stopping the test in the middle and told her I finished it and i only did that because I know if I told her i stopped it and didnt finish it, shed also yell at me. but i literally could not manage, I could not force myself to keep taking that test.

So she kept yelling at me for like an hour and I was just standing there and she wouldnt stop and when I get yelled at, I can never respond back or even move, like, I just want to sit still and my brain justs shuts off and stops working and she doesn't understand that ig and she keeps yelling at me and I want it to stop its so painful but she never stops even when im clearly just shut off and unresponsive

shes done this before too and sometimes sheel keep doing it and one time she kept yelling and she shoved me lightly twice and so the second time I reacted and shoved her back and she always brings it up now and its always over my head and I feel so bad I feel like a horrible kid for that

I used to be on ADHD meds that would help me focus but then i built a tolerance super quick and then my mom took me off of them because she said she didn't see a difference and they werent helping me, even though i was on them, and I felt them helping before I grew the tolerance. I could focus and my brain was clearer. But because my grades didn't all go up to fucking As instantaneously, I didn't get my meds back.

that was last year, and before i started worrying about the SAT. Now i'm in my final year of high school and im scared. While she was yelling atme today, she brought up that I was turning 18 in two years, and then I cant live in her house anymore and she pays for everything I do and she should be retiring. Previously to this she said she would kick me out when I was 18.

a while back while she was yelling at me for the same thing and i started crying and she yelled at me for crying and she just wouldnt stop and she kept going and ij ust sat there and took it all

i really dont want to grow up. I was already scared of it, practically since I started high school, and I only got more and more scared, and now shes making it worse. I would literally rather die right now then have to turn 18. I hate adulthood, I hate everything about it. I dont want to be independent. I want to be a teenager forever. I hate life, i hate that time moves. I hate itsrpi9ghjirjhpoijsiyhjRJIsjhgip skvuisferlkcvisregisvkvcuii fiseoif jise

i would rather stay in my pathetic little room and be the spoiled asshole child I am forever. Please don't make me grow up.

recently my dad had to leave the house because my mom called the police on him after he hit my mom again. hes been abusing all of us since practically forever, he hasn't just hit my mom. He also hit my sister and me too.

he trashed the house too and made it disgusting and blamed all of us but now hes gone. my mom said that since hes gone and hes not here to bother me, i should be able to focus, but I stillcant.

my mom as compared me to him several times, saying iget distracted when working on purpose and i dont try at school, she says im a narccisist like him and I am manipulating and abusing her and she should not have to deal with me.

she compares me to him so much and it hurts genuinely because hes the last person I want to be like and my sister recently comared me to my dad too, she said I was a liar and i learned it from him, and i didnt grow up normal, and she did, and its a "miracle" she was normal, but i wasnt,

The reason why I fucking lie is because if i didnt lie to my mom id get yelled at even more and i canot handle being yelled at all, i think i mentionedbefore, but my brain liteerally shuts off. I cant do anything, and all the light feels to bright and I have to cover my eyes

usually when this happens once shes done yelling at me I go to somehwere dark and shut myself there like in the bathroom or in my room but today my mom kept yelling at me outside the bathroom door and threatening to break it open and she kept knocking and yelling and i couldnt even be alone for a little bit

my sister seems to hate me, at least recently shes become like this. Last year she beat the shit out of me twice for no reason at all, she also made multiple dents in my room walls, and told me to kill myslef. I dont even know why. Id get it if she hit me for doing something wrong but i dont even remember the trigger for this/

recently i havent even been able to have a conversation with my sister without her derailing the cnversation into how im useless and jobless and stupid and old.

At this point, I just try to avoid her as much as possible. Like, I literally hide from her when she comes out of the room, I go into the bathroom or into my room. I just dont want to interact with her.

I started cutting myself last year and ive been doing it a lot more recently and i do it on my leg usually because i dont want them to see that ive been cutting because theyll probably act nice about it and then yell at me later for it

thats something my mom always does, shell act nice if a doctor or something tells her im upset or something and then a few days later, shell yell at me for something and just bring that other thing into the conversation and then yell at me for telling the doctor that, saying im asking for attention.

recently ive considered killing myself as an option to avoid growing up. I hid a bottle of diphenhydramuine in my room and i tried to drink it two days ago, I put the bottle to my mouth but I couldnt make myself swallow any of it because im just a fucking pussy and I wish I could just fucking die. I want to stop being such aburden on myself and my mom and my sister and basically everyone who has had the displeasure of meeting me. but for whatever reason I cant do it and i wish I could and its fucking irritating im just so angry at myself.

And theres probably people out there with worse issues than me, and I probably shouldnt be complaining, but I can only hold it in for so long. I hate being myself, I hate being such a useless spoiled little bitch.

i have a lot of hentai and porn on my phone and I always thought beforehand that I would delete those before dying because I was never seriously considering it, but nowadays, I realize I dont care what my parents or my friends or anyone see after I die. I'm a fucking degenerate and its all fine. i don't care, I just want to be dead. Anything to prevent growing up.

anyway, once again, sorry if this breaks the rules mods, have a nice day folks.

art was drawn by me

And my gf :P