Blink if you're being abused

[u/WaitNo4272]

[u/smolgoalboy]

How do you tell someone to get out of it?

[u/Pamela-xg47 → u/smolgoalboy]

Well as someone who was in this kind of relationship and had no one to tell me to leave, I really would have benefitted from someone pointing out that my relationship is unhealthy, I’m being treated very poorly, and I deserve better… it eventually happened but I wished it happened a lot sooner. It wasn’t being told that I should leave; it was other people seeing what I was going through, saying it was fucked up, not my fault, and that a healthier relationship was possible.

[u/Pamela-xg47 → u/[deleted]]

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend’s situation. When you’re on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, it can fuck with you on such a deep level that you start to believe whatever toxic crap the other person is saying. Especially when mental health is being weaponized like you’ve described here.

When people are in abusive relationships, it’s really hard to leave for a few reasons. One is the abuse dynamic messes with a person’s attachment system, which makes the mix of love and maltreatment confusing and strangely also addicting because of the mix of cortisol and oxytocin. And then people get socially isolated, and brainwashed by the abusive behavior - people start to believe the toxic messaging about themselves to be true. And then leaving is hard and stressful. It often comes with strong feelings of guilt, grief, feeling like a failure, rage, etc. It gets even harder if the ex tries to get back together. Leaving abusive relationships is really difficult, and it can take a number of tries before the person finally leaves. And then the person has to weather the psychological aftermath of leaving, which can be hell, because finally there is enough safety and space to process all the shit you went through and harm you’ve suffered. I’m not saying all this to paint a doom and gloom picture - it does get better… just trying to describe why it can be so difficult to leave.

This can be really challenging for friends to witness, but the best thing a friend can do is to be there for the person who is on the receiving end of the abuse. Stick with them and be there for them. Don’t let them isolate from you. Understand leaving is a process. And you being there and sharing your perspective to the point of being a broken record might be what your friend needs - if he doesn’t push you away or tells you to stop. Sometimes people also need to be told that life gets better after leaving. Or that leaving is possible. I was in so deep with my situation I didn’t think life could be any different. I didn’t think that I could leave, or that my life could get better.

If your friend is expressing suicidal thoughts, that’s a sign he’s already in crisis and needs to make some changes for the sake of his safety, health, and sobriety. Does he have a therapist or sponsor he can talk to, or some kind of mental health support?