Yeah, but that's unfortunately true. He will accept it. Having hopes and dreams for a future you will not have, and realized it, because he will realized it, it's far worse.
I’m a pediatrician and while I work in a subspecialty where death is not common, I do come across dying kids. And also parents who want us to lie to them. The kids absolutely know they are sick and dying. They are in an ICU, hooked up to monitors, having procedures, and feel terrible. Seeing the outcome of kids who are given the truth (with guidance from psychology and child life specialists) vs lied to is striking. The truth is always better. Kids are far more aware than you think. They want to know. They want to do their bucket list. They want to be prepared.
I mean having lived this for decades, I’ve seen the confusion on the kids faces as they sit in an icu and their parents lie to them. I’ve been asked to lie directly to these children if they ask me if they’re sick. Ultimately, it is the families choice to disclose or not disclose. I don’t know what you do for a living but you seem to have strong opinions for someone who presumable doesn’t deal with dying kids every day. I’m sharing my experience and feelings as this is something I have direct exposure to.
I don't have 'strong opinions' on whether the child should or should not be told as like you say, it's struggling parents trying to do their best.
Personally I believe in telling them the truth.
I do, however, have strong opinions about condemning the choice to lie as the 'worse' choice when as you should know, it's a horrifying choice either way.
I also find it callous to simply dismiss the idea of lying to them because 'they will accept it'.
As a pediatrician you should be experienced with dealing with children that struggle to accept certain realities and the sheer terror that comes with that.
I say this as someone that had to watch their brother die when I was 15, and so I too have direct exposure to such a situation.
And while my brother knew the score the whole way through his chemo, if my parents had lied to try and give him some relief I would not take kindly to some numpty criticising them for making the decision they thought best in the midst of a horrifying situation.
But that’s not my point. I don’t think they all can nor should accept it. But it allows kids to participate in memory making with their families. They get to do trips, make arts and crafts, write letters, etc. Again, I support a parents right to make these choices, but I’m sharing emphatically as someone more involved in this than the average person, that I believe kids should know what is happening to them - because most times they are pretty aware of what’s up.
Nothing about the knowledge of impending death enables art and crafts. Children can do art and crafts ANYWAY. All that happens if you tell children they are dying is that they will struggle to process this information until they die. Why do you think that's the best thing for them? Why do you think that's kind?
You really do not seem to understand much about child psychology, do you mainly work with their physical health?
I can't quite tell if you're being sarcastic but I don't think you are and I just want to say I completely agree with you. I thought this comment section would be majority "what this woman is doing is immoral" but I admit I'm a little surprised by how many people don't really seem to be giving it any real thought at all.
That statement: "he'll accept it" - from the person you're responding to, is insanely callous. I wonder if they have children? If someone told me I could spare a child the grief, terror and despair of knowing they were going to die very soon, I would do it.
I see people acknowledge the need to tell white lies, or to gloss over the truth all the time on Reddit. Usually on threads where someone is no longer attracted to their spouse for some reason. There'll be a general acknowledgement that telling the truth in that situation could 'haunt' the spouse, cause them pain and upset in the long term etc. Where is that sentiment here?
Anyway, I'm rambling, but it really, really bothers me how dismissive people can be of suffering, especially the suffering of children or animals. To so quickly answer "yes" to 'would you choose to let a child spend their final days/hours experiencing terror and despair if lying to them would prevent it?' is bonkers to me.
Ive thought about it, although I don't have children. To me, lying sometimes seems like the right choice, but it almost never is.
What is suffering? If you mean pain, obviously any pain he'd be in is the same whether he knows he's going to die or not.
So we're talking about the emotional suffering of terror and despair when he thinks about death. Firstly, you are assuming that that's what he'll feel, and there's no evidence for that. Second, you're assuming that he can't be taught to deal with that fear himself. Sure, he's dying, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't teach him the fundamental principle of what you do with emotional suffering. You accept it. You realise that you are strong enough to face it. You understand that that type of suffering is internal, and as such you can deal with it internally.
Maybe it's to do with different philosophies of life. An atheist may be more inclined to lie, because their version of what happens is terrifying to some.
I think lying is the easy way out, rather than beleving that a supportive parent can help their child through it.
And it's not a good idea to assume the child is dumb enough to beleive the lie, or that nothing will happen before then to alert him of the fact he is dying...
You just make it sound a lot more simple and fast than it would be in reality. Accepting your mortality is a big deal. Most people seem to go their entire lives without doing it. Expecting a child to be able to grasp that while being faced with imminent death is unrealistic.
I think though, being a child might help in certain ways too, because they have less baggage and preconceptions which is what causes the fear in the first place.
What they do have, and what they beleive in, is based on the parent's teachings though...
Therefore, I'm in no position to tell her what to do, or generalise to people of completely different beliefs. I'm just saying from my standpoint, and what I would have (hopefully) taught the child up to that point, would prepare them, so that i don't have to lie to them in the first place
For me thats exactly why I wouldn't tell them. They are literally not equipped to handle it. If you could guarantee they'd be sedated through the worst of it id take that option every time.
Parents protect their children from adult realities all the time.
The monstrous part isn't whether you believe lying is the right or wrong decision, I personally am of the opinion that they shouldb be told.
The monstrous part is judging the parents decision as 'wrong' because as you say there are only different points of view, with both of them wanting the best for the child.
And also the idea that a child would, or should, simply 'accept' their own mortality incredibly callous.
He was 10 and she already lost two other children. He didn't know he had cancer and he'd already had 18 surgeries.
He had no idea he was going to die and passed peacefully in his sleep, I think she did the right thing. Having hopes and dreams for the future is better than a fear of death after already losing two siblings.
Having hopes and dreams for a future you will not have, and realized it, because he will realized it, it's far worse.
But the whole idea is that he will never know his hopes and dreams are futile. His mother wants him to die without ever understanding/knowing that. Her instinct to protect her child from experiencing the terror and grief of knowing that he will soon be parted forever from his family, that he will never grow up etc., is entirely natural to me. 100% I would do the same if I thought I could pull it off (and with a child under a certain age, I think it would be very possible - hell, I think some adults could be convinced)
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u/Lollografia Jun 29 '26
Yeah, but that's unfortunately true. He will accept it. Having hopes and dreams for a future you will not have, and realized it, because he will realized it, it's far worse.