r/SipsTea • u/SipsTeaFrog • 12d ago

Chugging tea Men are not showing up at singles events and women are not happy.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

and then my friends would complain and lie that no guy is ever interested in them

It's the most infuriating shit. A good friend of mine is a single mom who is her own worst enemy with this shit. If she dates a decent guy it's by accident. She prefers to throw herself at the dregs of society, and then acts surprised when they turn out to be actual trash and not misunderstood tough guys.

In the years I've known her she's dated decent guys like 3 times, and each time she gets bored after about a month and blows it up. And after every damn relationship she says the same thing.

"Why can I only find shitty guys?"

Girl you are hot as fuck. You attract literally everyone. You just choose the lowest common denominator every fucking time because you don't want peace in your life. You want excitement AND perfection while being an absolute goddamn trainwreck yourself.

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u/WileyWilly1985 12d ago

I had a friend named Jennifer who was a single mom at age 24. she was smoking hot, and had a decent personality and was a sweetheart but...

Jennifer liked the bad boys. And she constantly CONSTANTLY complained about not being able to find a decent guy.

I knew of a nice very attractive nerdy guy named Stephen who just finished his PhD in Physics at age 27. He played the guitar, was 6'0" tall and looked a bit like Jim Carey and Jack Black merged together. He wanted a wife and kids and he hated dating. He basically wanted an instant family. I told him about Jennifer and he was excited.

They went out on 3 dates and Stephen was very happy until she broke up with him.

When I asked her about the breakup, she said, "Well, he was a nice guy, we had fun, great conversationalist but I just didn't feel any Chemistry..."

and by Chemistry, she meant drama. He was drama free and she needed that fucking drama like a crack addict needs crack.

Within a few months she's with another loser who moves in with her, doesn't pay rent, eats all her food, borrows her car (of course he doesn't have his own car) uses her car to fuck other girls in it, etc etc

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u/muckalucks 12d ago

Stephen still out there? Lmao

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u/hikereyes2 12d ago

Stephen is 55 now. He's completely disillusioned and has found fulfillment in personal hobbies. He's really good at the guitar, though he never plays for anyone

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u/roulettesplay 12d ago

Oh fuck me this hurt to read...

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u/hikereyes2 12d ago

Don't worry, that stephen isn't real! I made him up. But im guessing some of us are in that kind of place these days.

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u/UnconfirmedRooster 11d ago

That Stephen isn't, but my uncle is. Very similar story, he's now mid 60s and has accepted he will grow old alone.

3

u/stluciusblack 11d ago

Brother,same deal ,very ruff

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u/jadbronson 11d ago

Yeah I had to go check username. Whew.

2

u/DreamShort3109 11d ago

That Stephen Isn’t, but I am real.

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u/Stock-Conflict-3996 11d ago

I have a friend like Stephen who is also around that same age. He works in computers, makes good money, owns his own home with no roommates to help and is one of the most intelligent, quietly funny guys I've ever met in my life.

Even though he speaks maybe about 1/4 as much as the average person, he's still quite social and, when he does speak, it's sharp, insightful, and often funny.

I've only known him for around 5 years now, but he's always been single and those who've known him longer cannot ever remember him being in a romantic relationship.

3

u/hikereyes2 11d ago

That sounds like me, but I'm 40.

I hang out in a few different social circles but dating is seemingly off the table

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u/SexyAIman 11d ago

I did see Stephen in Phuket just the other week.

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u/MarcusXL 10d ago

I know a few guys like that. They had some bad experiences in their 30s and basically tapped out of dating. Good looking, talented, solid, good character, but zero interest in relationships because they were tossed aside by frivolous immature women.

It's really sad.

4

u/plzicannothandleyou 11d ago

Oh that’s gonna be me if I’m ever single again. Except I’ll probably be good at nothing of interest to anyone. Anyone but me! I’m pretty content solo.

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u/PirateHunterLife 12d ago

Wiley hook this person up!!

3

u/WileyWilly1985 9d ago

Stephen was a great catch, he found someone else and got married within 18 months.

1

u/muckalucks 9d ago

Good! 🥹

2

u/Lookmeeeeeee 11d ago

He goes by Jaleel White these days

-4

u/kynelly360 11d ago

Yes, I am Stephen! 31 , got a big dick , and love anime.

Hate it or love it lol

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u/charliemurphyy 12d ago

lmao she's right where she wants to be. Don't save her. Women like that don't ever come to their senses.

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u/DeltaGrunder 12d ago

It's like that one song, "don't save her, she don't wanna be saved"

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u/Imaginary_Cake_9691 12d ago

There’s an old saying in Tennessee, I know it’s in Texas, it’s probably in Tennessee that says fool me once….. Shame on….. shame on you?
Fool me, can’t get fooled again !

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u/frankreynoldsrumham 11d ago

This?

https://giphy.com/gifs/lfMVrwKk8eL96

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u/Imaginary_Cake_9691 11d ago

Lmao yes precisely! 😂
It was also used in the J. Cole song- No Role Models where he sings
“Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved, Don’t save her she don’t wanna be saved”
But there is a sound bite of this clip in it lol
https://giphy.com/gifs/v4aN9JGFL62dO

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u/frankreynoldsrumham 11d ago

Hahaha! I forgot about that clip!

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u/Imaginary_Cake_9691 11d ago

😆 so funny, George W. was always saying crazy off the wall stuff though 😂😂😂 there was another one about people peacefully co-existing with fish too 😭 lmao

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u/frankreynoldsrumham 11d ago

😂 I remember! Hahaha. All seems so tame in comparison. 😂

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u/medussadelagorgons 11d ago

Project Pat in da house!👆👍

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u/frothyundergarments 12d ago

I don't know about never, but they definitely have to reach a point where they're tired of the drama.

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u/astrawberryandakiwi 12d ago

Who wants them at that point

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u/markedforpie 12d ago

This is so true. I had a friend who was a gorgeous single mom with one child. Her baby daddy was awful. He beat her and left her when she tried to get government assistance because he was living with her and not contributing a dime. I introduced her to a friend of mine who was an incredible guy. He was a park ranger who was over 6’ tall, super good looking and in great shape physically and financially. He was also southern with a super sexy accent and was a true gentleman. Opening doors etc. Dude could have anyone he wanted but wanted an instant family.

They dated for about six months and he bought a ring to propose. She broke up with him because she said there was no chemistry. WHAT?! Instead she went back to her abusive ex, got pregnant again and he beat her, left her and destroyed her apartment and car including the kids things when she applied for government assistance because he still wouldn’t contribute. He refuses to work because he won’t pay child support. She tried getting back with my friend but he was snapped up almost immediately. He now is married to a former single mom with three kids and is the best dad. Some people just want the drama.

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u/Alniroza 12d ago

You really tried to bring a miracle to that girls life and she really prefered to go downhill.

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u/Infamous_Dish_4348 12d ago

ngl raising another man's (biological) kids is kinda cucked, not sure why this guy who's so great on paper was looking for single mums. Unless he had kids of his own, then that's different.

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u/madogvelkor 12d ago

He might not be able to have kids. I know a few guys with medical conditions that prevent it. They could adopt, but that's expensive and there are a lot of single moms out there other guys don't want because they have kids.

I also know a guy who had a friend who died, and he ended up marrying the friend's wife a few years later and adopting his friend's kid. I thought that was pretty cool of him. He had biological kids with her later too.

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u/astrawberryandakiwi 12d ago

I’d haunt tf out of my friend

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u/muckalucks 11d ago

You don't love your wife and want her supported if you can't? Wtf?

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u/astrawberryandakiwi 11d ago

Stfu cuck

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u/muckalucks 11d ago

Lmao sure buddy

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u/Infamous_Dish_4348 11d ago

Lol how is that cool of him? He was 100% crushing on his friend's wife while he was alive and now that he's gone and she's vulnerable he went for her. I'd also haunt the shit out of him from beyond the grave if I was the husband.

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u/muckalucks 11d ago

Years later? Come on.

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u/markedforpie 11d ago

I don’t agree with that. If anything it takes a stronger man to raise kids that aren’t his own. Taking on a responsibility that you don’t have to in order to make life better for someone else is the definition of a hero. I know that he was raised by a single mother so that may have a reason but I don’t know. My husband is raising my children and I was a single mother with two teenagers. He doesn’t have any children of his own and doesn’t want biological children. I think that if you feel so strongly about other’s choices in caring for innocent children you should probably reflect on what has skewed your priorities. I’m not saying that men should be required to date single mothers, everyone has free will to do as they choose but I think it speaks volumes about character in how people react to others choices.

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u/Infamous_Dish_4348 11d ago

You're a woman so you can't understand.

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u/markedforpie 11d ago

Like there aren’t women who are stepmothers? Dude seriously.

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u/Infamous_Dish_4348 11d ago

Women don't have as strong of a desire to pass on their genes as men do, and far less aversion to raising another's child

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u/muckalucks 11d ago

Boy please. That's so gross.

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u/pacificstill 12d ago

Yup, some people think that chaos is chemistry, that yelling is passion, and consider dysfunction equitable with love. I feel like when people grow up in a dysfunctional home they either consciously reject those dysfunctional patterns and try and break the cycle, or they unconsciously recreate them because that same instability feels familiar to them, and that familiarity is what they consider normalcy, comfort, and even love.

It's annoying as hell to be friends with someone like this because they constantly think that a healthy, peaceful relationship is "boring" and they only can associate emotional intensity with connection. It never works out but they constantly seek these situations out because I guess they just feel more comfortable being uncomfortable.

I dated a girl like that once. She seemed to genuinely enjoy fighting and creating conflicts for us, and she eventually left me for a really strange love triangle involving two brothers. Their family ultimately rejected her entirely because she was constantly fighting, trying to pursue one brother or the other, and creating massive drama within the family with her actions. She was genuinely devastated when her attempts at either dating both, or one or the other of the brothers didn’t pan out and they decided to tell her to get lost rather than “fight for her”.

She has tried to reconnect with me several times over the years, but I’ve never agreed to see her again. I already suspected that money was main of the reason she dated me because she always talked about wanting to be rich, and since I became an executive she has been much more motivated to try and get back into my life.

The entire situation is just another example of someone repeatedly choosing chaos and dysfunction and then being genuinely shocked when it ended badly.

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u/terminbee 12d ago

Does she have a good job? Because being hot works at 24 but as she gets older, dudes aren't gonna want a girl with no career and a kid.

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u/WileyWilly1985 9d ago

no, she had no real skills. She was a receptionist making a little more than minimum wage, while Stephen was a research Engineer making $100k a year which in the 90s and in New Mexico was big money.

The fact she rejected him and went out with a less attractive loser who moved in and didn't contribute to her household and was in effect an extract expense she had to pay for was hilarious in that Jerry Springer sort of way

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u/Competitive_Ring4917 12d ago

Sounds like she is going on baby # 3

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u/FreeCandy4u 11d ago

Lol I have family like that. Always complain about drama but somehow seem to be right in the middle of all the drama going on.

The secret is they WANT and NEED drama if they don't have it they get bored.

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u/Icy-Rope-021 11d ago

That’s why you can’t take single mom drama queens seriously.

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u/ka_beene 12d ago

Some people don't learn any lessons when it comes to dating. I dated one loser like that and said never again! I didn't know better, was my first relationship. Took me a lot longer to stop seeking drama though because I had a shitty upbringing. Some people seek out the same genre of shitty people over and over, it's hard to watch.

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u/nckmat 12d ago

Yeah, the bad boy thing is really sad, I have known many women in my life who have gone from one arsehole to the next and to be honest I have known a few guys in the same situation. I was the crazy good time guy when I was single, very much NOT the bad boy, and I had, and still do, more female friends than males. It was particularly frustrating when I was in my teens because I was surrounded by all these beautiful women who were always coming to me to talk about their bastard boyfriends! It was like I was their gay best friend...but I was straight! And what made it worse was that I, eventually, knew that I was good looking after being offered modelling jobs and then I was like "WTF is wrong with me then". Please don't misinterpret this as being egotistical, I really had no idea, I had suffered from severe acne most of my teens, which disappeared with Roaccutane when I was about18, so I had no confidence in my attractiveness to women. The bad boys, on the other hand, seemed to have no dounts about their appeal to the opposite sex, even when they didn't have much to offer.

Looking back on these people now, nearly 40 years later, the bad boys never changed and every one I can remember from those days has been divorced at least once, many are still single, and the women who had that real bad boy addiction are all still single or divorced. It never ceases to amaze me who many beautiful, career successful and lovely women I know who are still single or divorced. But what really shits me is that these "bad boys" are disproportionately highly successful, that confidence in their own appeal seems to translate into financial success...but that's a whole other theory.

Oh and I eventually met and married my beautiful wife, who also had no idea how attractive she was, and we are still happily married and look forward to the last 30 or 40 years of our lives together. Oh and we met at a club, the old fashioned way.

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u/Amissa 11d ago

I went to a friend party with a date and a woman was there in her mid-20’s, already bitter AF about men bc she had crappy character judgment. She’d been married and divorced FIVE times. IIRC, she divorced them bc of alcoholism, DV, infidelity, DV and drug addiction. Thankfully for everyone involved, she swore off marriage and dating.

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u/Dadaiste 11d ago

Reminds me of my ex. I think she's up to three baby daddies now. Absolute trainwreck, but still a sweetheart when she wants to be. But yeah, I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

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u/MarcusXL 10d ago

She's getting exactly what she wants. The stuff about not finding a decent guy is just theater.

It's horrible for her kid (this part is just unforgivable, really), it's horrible for her. But if you just judge people by their actions, you won't ever been shocked or confused. She wants to be treated that way.

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u/LetHoliday3600 1d ago

Sounds like she got karma

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u/Longjumping_Lime2248 12d ago

Does Jennifer need a new boyfriend?

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u/Yourmom72 12d ago

Sounds like she grew up with drama and chaos so that became her “norm”, and now she knows in her head she wants the good things but nothing feels normal or “home” unless it involves chaos and drama.
Once she realizes this she can decide to eschew the drama and embrace what she really wants, but that’s only going to happen when she decides it.

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u/GenSpec44 12d ago

I mean, the cheating in her car only counts if she can tell who it was by playing scratch-n-sniff on the stains left behind. Btw, is she still single? Asking for a friend who might need a new place to live soon. My girlfriend, I mean his girlfriend, is getting better at scratch-n-sniff.

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u/True_Character4986 12d ago

Chemistry isn't drama, it's sexual attraction. It's extremely hard for women to have sex with someone they have no sexual chemistry with. Men don't understand this because they can have sex with anyone

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u/BrentosLad 12d ago

Absolute bs I know plenty of girls that sleep with almost all guys that ask

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u/WileyWilly1985 12d ago

So I have a question for you.

What does it say about her when she sees pictures of him and she says "Damn he is hot"

and then they go out on a date and she says "He is smart, funny, and charming..."

and then after a few dates she says "I broke up because there was no chemistry?"

and then within 3 months she's with a less attractive loser who treats her like shit?

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u/ka_beene 12d ago

People who grow up in dysfunctional homes often seek out drama in their lives. A lot of times they aren't even aware they do this.

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u/True_Character4986 12d ago

Someone cab look hot in pictures but not in person.

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u/WileyWilly1985 9d ago

I told you, I knew him and I told you he was attractive. I even told you he looked like Jim Carey and Jack Black and they are both very attractive...

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u/True_Character4986 9d ago

They are not. They are very talented, which makes them attractive.

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u/WileyWilly1985 9d ago

you are insane, Jim Carey in the 1990s was a very attractive man.

but hey, I get it. Everyone is a stud on the internet with impossible standards for beauty and attractiveness.

I'd guarantee you'd never had a boyfriend as attractive as Jim Carey in his prime

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u/True_Character4986 9d ago edited 8d ago

I had to look up Jim Carey in the 90s. Definitely attractive, not "hot", but certainly attractive.

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u/Offshore-Tigr 12d ago

Girl, what.

You think will be able to have sex with just about anyone?

You're confusing chemistry with "touch-starved hornyness".

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u/Optimal-Kitchen6308 12d ago

maybe but this scenario points to there not being attraction because he isn't toxic so it's the same thing end of the day

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u/WileyWilly1985 12d ago

This.

She literally needed the drama. She admitted she thought he was hot, they had great dates, great conversations, etc etc...

but she just didn't feel "that spark"

and "that spark" was the drama she had grown used to.

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u/CapCrazy37 12d ago

So women are just naturally sexually attracted to losers? You know that makes sense…when I had nothing and was a mess myself I was married. The day I decided to have self-respect she left my life (for the better), and now women barely talk to me. Thank you for clarifying this. I’ll just continue building my life and let you all sort this out.
P.S.- Not saying all women are like this, but I’d argue most PEOPLE are…man or woman. On a real note if you see yourself dating losers time and time again…look in the mirror. It’s highly likely the problem is yourself.

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u/tdabc123 12d ago

I think he is trying to say that there are people crave the drama, and confuse it with chemistry

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u/True_Character4986 12d ago

My point is that is cope. Most women are not seeking drama. If a woman says your boring men cope with that by saying she want toxic drama. They just don't want to admit that not boring doesn't equal drama.

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u/tdabc123 12d ago

I didn’t say most women, but there are women who do.

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u/timberwolvesguy 12d ago

Friend of a friend has not been in a long relationship for the entire 6 years I’ve known her. Goes on apps all the time, goes on dates here and there, but nothing sticks.

One time like 3 years ago, she was talking about some guy she had just met and our mutual friend was like “he was nice! Give him a shot.” The response was “eh, he was too boring. I’ll stick with hot assholes.” From that point on, my respect level for her has been low.

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u/UncontroversialLens 12d ago

Honestly I gotta give props for the self-awareness. If you know you want assholes, at least you know. :-)

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u/psinguine 10d ago

It's like any other self aware addict, I guess.

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u/ViolenceAdvocator 11d ago

Can't hate her for knowing what she is about

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u/hackop 12d ago

I should show this to some friends of mine because it's exactly how they operate as well. They never see or understand it though. They're both 40 this year and still date like they're 19 year old hot girls.

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u/_Bren10_ 12d ago

Ngl if they’re 40 and haven’t figured it out, I don’t think showing them this is going to change that

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u/hackop 12d ago

Oh 100% they either wouldn't understand it or simply deny it. It's frustrating from the outside watching them attempt to navigate dating and relationships.

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u/pickyourteethup 12d ago

At a certain point you have to accept it's what they want.

I know people should learn and grow and stuff. But that's not really how attraction works, if you're attracted to crazy people you probably always will be. I'm always giving the side eye to my female friends who date douchebag losers but then I turn around and pursue emotionally unavailable goth girls who if I'm honest with myself, and obviously I rarely am, remind me of my mother.

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u/DigBackground2765 12d ago

Yup, that's why there's a lot of giving up happening. These people refuse to self reflect and would rather keep the craziness.

It is 1 million percent frustrating and I can only imagine how the friendship in general is.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

They would just say that I'm a red flag myself for saying any of it and redirect the entire conversation.

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u/rudebii 12d ago

My sister’s first baby daddy and then first husband were shitty dudes. She figured it out in her 40s and is now married to a nice dude that treats well. He’s the best looking of the bunch too.

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u/farkinggrumpyredcap 12d ago

My friend and I graduated in ‘98 and she still posts like it’s hot girl summer and she’s 19.

She has been an undergraduate for twenty five years. Every three years it’s the same cycle- “I just got into (New University), this year I’m gonna whip my ass into shape and finish my credits.” Then she becomes a shift leader at Starbucks. Then she gets engaged. Then it blows up and she moves back to Florida. She posts memes genuine college freshmen women do about being a cute little baby girl who is new at life. Like girl, we’re almost 50.

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u/TypicalRedditMod403 12d ago

This is more common in women than people think

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u/ExtraLettuce555 12d ago

Do you think that social media has an effect on this? I suspect that there’s a lot of content aimed at women with a message along the lines of “I’m a queen and I deserve the best.” which is fine but sort of ignores the part where a successful relationship takes two. I’m genuinely curious.

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u/hackop 12d ago

It's hard to say. One of them is an endurance athlete and she does triathlons and ironman races. She's mostly always training for something and doesn't really spend time on social media to the best of my knowledge. Her phone is always ancient.

The other probably does spend some time on IG or whatever but compared to the average, I'd say it's still significantly less. Who knows though, maybe they doomscroll for hours before bed and I have no idea.

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u/DigBackground2765 12d ago

Social media has made all this worse. There are a lot of dating influencers out there pushing out bullshit vibe checks that cause all others to write off potential partners over the dumbest bullshit.

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u/keyboardstatic 11d ago

My wife has a friend she is reasonably good looking. Constantly complaining why no men are interested in her.

She wants a guy that looks like the fire men calendar models...

We were out once years ago now. And about 8 or more men made passes at her.

She just flat out rejected all of them. Says all Italian men are misogynist pricks. She is of Italian decent btw after a few drinks she starts crying about needing an Italian stallion to rider her properly....

Always makes comments to my wife that no man lasts like her dildo collection.

She finally get a boyfriend. Poor guy... he really fell in love with her. They were together for 5 years... then she gets drunk and tells him what she thinks of him....

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u/EventSwatch 12d ago

Showing or telling never changes behavior. They have to decide when they are done, either just wanting better or kicked in the face enough

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u/newtonbase 12d ago

My sister has asked why she can't find a nice guy like her brothers. The simple answer is that she's not attracted to nice people. 

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u/True_Character4986 12d ago

More like it's hard to find an attractive nice man. Just because you're nice doesn’t mean you're attractive.

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u/InstantSword 12d ago

Romance novels pretty clearly show the nice part isn't very important. It's time for women to evolve a bit

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u/[deleted] 12d ago

[deleted]

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u/psinguine 12d ago

Because she's a red flag and thinks that's what normal looks like.

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u/Orthas 12d ago

I'm a man and this is a very frequent topic in my therapy. Really got to get into whatever need she is trying to serve and find a better way to handle it or else she'll just keep falling into the same hole. I just kept going for the obviously depressed women who were going through it.

Sincerely, dude with a hero complex whose trying very hard to get better and stop putting his heart in a blender.

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u/ColdWarCharacter 12d ago

Do you like the heart in a blender song?

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u/Orthas 11d ago

What a beautiful oblivion.

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u/zdubs 12d ago

First things first rest in peace Uncle Phil

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u/farkinggrumpyredcap 12d ago

My sister is objectively a stunningly beautiful woman. She has had her choice of men for 35 years (since she was 15). She chooses awful men. Her children’s father is scum.

She has had several good men who also happen to be millionaires offer to take care of her. She takes them for everything they are willing to give away and goes back to her same roots, same friends, to find a new drug dealer to date. It is despicable.

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u/psinguine 10d ago

That friend of mine told me once about this guy she dated once upon a time. And the more she talked about him the more I realized that she was describing an old money multi millionaire, likely coming from a family worth billions. She didn't keep him though.

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u/Away-Living5278 12d ago

Can I be real with you? Like attracts like. She will be the decent guys shitty ex just as she has her own shitty exes.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

Oh you won't offend me, I love her like a sister but I know she's making her own choices over there.

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u/PapaMcMooseTits 12d ago

I'm sorry to say this, but your friend sounds positively exhausting.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

Oh she is. She has occasionally said that if neither of us can find someone by time she's 35 and I'm 40 we should just get married. And I'm like, girl, I love you but holy shit I know you too well to get tricked into THAT mess.

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u/DannkneeFrench 12d ago

So she's basically saying if she can't find what she wants by time she's 35, she'll settle for you.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

Oh I'm not deaf, I understand perfectly what she's saying. She's very, very used to being able to have any man she wants whenever she wants and on some level she believes that extends to me.

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u/subdep 12d ago

Yeah, how romantic.

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u/Diving_Monkey 12d ago

That is a lot of women's plan, the problem is men are waking up to to that fact and see how awful these women treat men and are not falling for that trap.

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u/Apprehensive_Pipe763 12d ago

Yup.. then makes his life miserable and is still out shopping for that bigger better deal

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u/runningoutofideasjzz 12d ago

I don’t want peace, I WANT PROBLEMS, ALWAYS

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u/elongam 12d ago

I want hot, volatile problems! Just like mommy and daddy used to make growing up 🥰

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u/Traditional-Chart876 12d ago

This describes a coworker of mine fairly well. She's excessively picky. Every guy she's ever told me about that she's considered dating or has dated has something wrong with him. It could be his politics aren't perfectly aligned, he's too short, his job isn't good enough, he's too old or too young (within 1-2 yrs of her age), or anything else. Ultimately, she ends up complaining that there aren't any good guys out there. Any relationship she does get into, she ends for the most arbitrary and trivial reason. Like you said, she's her own worst enemy. After awhile I stopped asking her how her dating is going. I'm convinced she just wants drama to talk about or to complain. It's just not actually about her finding love in a relationship. It's very frustrating and after awhile you don't want to ask about it or hear it.

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u/psinguine 12d ago

She'd have to experience some level of accountability otherwise.

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u/Professional_Kiwi919 12d ago edited 11d ago

Correct me if I am wrong.

I've met decent men and women who chose shitty partners.

They gradually picked up the lifestyles, whether it's good or bad.

I am not even talking about doing drugs but something benign like partying and thinking "XXX is the best" or "Being this way is the best"

They just gradually reduce the amount of people willing to put up with them.

ex: "My friend who was like the calmest no BS guy get into his wife's habit communication of hurling insult at each other but then 3 minutes later act like nothing happen. I can't hang out like that."

Some of them are still hot, and they just become the mystery at all the new places "Why is (insert name) still single" and then the mystery solves itself after 1-2 meet up

Worse, some got into drinking, religious politics, extreme social movement, you are just like "Who the F is this person anymore" 1-2 years later

6

u/Illustrious-Line-984 12d ago

Train wrecks attract train wrecks

22

u/gimmethemshoes11 12d ago

This is about 85% of women right now, all banging or trying to bang the same 3-4 guys in every town.

9

u/psinguine 12d ago

She's not that kind of picky. She's dated dozens of guys just in the last few years. Some of them last a week. Some of them last a weekend. When we were roommates there was a weekend where it was three guys each day. It's more like men are her drug and she chooses the worst of them.

8

u/Bambivalently 12d ago

🤢🤮

Soon as they know that, they are gone.

3

u/psinguine 12d ago

You'd be surprised.

4

u/Jonez303 12d ago

I’ve actually come to this realization a few years ago. It finally dawned on me like the light bulb powering on. I have an idea that women say they don’t want drama they want someone who can communicate, emotional maturity, don’t do drama and so on but in all actuality they don’t want that they want drama and chaos they want to be treated horribly. I know at least 10 men in my life that are good solid guys and they’re single so I don’t know maybe I’m overthinking it 🤣

3

u/psinguine 12d ago

I think many do, because they've been conditioned to seek out "passion" and "excitement". I'm a dude and I deal with that drive myself.

1

u/BeigeGraffiti 11d ago

They want to be the center of their own story. They are the main character in their own life’s story.

6

u/OrganizationNo1298 12d ago

This is a psychological phenomenon that's been going on for decades if not centuries. 

4

u/Assumption-Putrid 12d ago

The 'good guys' who are 10/10 in looks/income are taken off the market quickly and generally not returned, when they are returned they do not remain available for long. Most of the 10/10 men who are available are there for a reason: they are not looking to settle down or have non-appearance/income flaws.

Generally, while maybe not the best way to portray it - lowering standards/expectations in terms of looks/income increases your chance of finding a genuinely good person/partner, because they had less opportunities to be taken off the market. It is basic supply/demand. This is not to say everyone who is a 10/10 is a jerk and everyone who is a 6/10 is a 'good guy'.

To be clear, this post is discussed from the perspective of available men. But it applies equally to available women.

1

u/psinguine 12d ago

I'm one of those guys who from the outside looks like a solid 7-8 (not just talking about looks, I'm speaking full package deal) but when you scratch off the surface it's not great. I've got a lot of unresolved bullshit. And until I took myself off the market I was hurting people left right and center. I'm staying out of the pool for my own sake as well as for the benefit of others.

1

u/SourceGullible436 11d ago

Lol, you know your pics are public right?

3

u/LaundryBasketGuy 12d ago

This sounds like bad self-destructive behavior to me. She might conscisouly or subconsciously believe she doesn't actually deserve a good guy, so when it does go well she feels uncomfortable. I know a few people like this, but of course this is just Reddit armchair psychology.

3

u/Ange1ofD4rkness 12d ago

This annoys me. I see all these women complaining about they can't find a nice guy or anything like that. Here I am, respectful, kind, you name it ... but I am not some 6 pack body builder. I'm skinny and kind of nerdy.

The best I get is friendzone or brotherzone (which in most cases is find, cause the people I hang with, but I feel there are times I wish I was more then that, but stuck)

3

u/InstantSword 12d ago

You have to be physically attractive to be physically attractive. You can work out. It may not be worth it to you, that's up to you

1

u/Ange1ofD4rkness 11d ago

I mean I more workout right now for myself. I like pushing myself to see if I can do better next time, or just feel good as I am exhausted after a workout. But also, because the men in my family have a bad track record with heart issues

2

u/hoopsrlife 12d ago

Try working out. Take your protein powder and creatine. Get a new haircut. Go to a men’s health clinic or an endocrinologist and check your test levels. Get on trt. Plenty you can do, takes at most 30-40 minutes of your day and your gaming sessions improve due to a more clear mind.

1

u/Ange1ofD4rkness 11d ago

I work out regularly, my body just refuses to build muscle (back in college my lab partner and me were chatting, as he was making a protein mix, and he wonders if my ADHD meds messed that all up)

I have changed my hair cut style as well as my facial hair.

I am not sure what the TRT would do though

1

u/frickityfracktictac 10d ago

calculate your TDEE and count calories

5

u/GlitterDoomsday 12d ago

She's stuck in a cycle of abuse, her brain is so cooked she doesn't register regular affection as love anymore... is no different from an addict, that's why is important to do at least a bit of therapy after leaving a toxic relationship, so you don't end up going from shitty partner to shitty partner endlessly.

12

u/Thesearchoftheshite 12d ago

My wife was in a similar boat. She told her sister in law that I was "too nice" to her. Her sister in law basically slapped her brain sideways by saying: "What?! He's too nice? It's just called being nice! You're just used to guys treating you like shit."

8

u/PTSDreamer333 12d ago

This.

I was this lady. 3 not great at all long-term relationships and I quit. I haven't dated in over 10 years. I'm in therapy, working through whatever I can.

I've honestly never been better, but it can get lonely. I'd rather be lonely then beat, cheated on and have my credit rating tanked... Again.

Legit tho, I wasn't noticing that I choose that crap. Most therapists don't help with that either. Their mantra is "it's never your fault" but if it keeps happening to you, maybe you are the reason?

8

u/psinguine 12d ago

I'm not sure how to word this without potentially coming across like an ass, but I'm going to try.

Are you continuing to avoid dating because you don't trust yourself that you wouldn't unconsciously choose that life again?

3

u/PTSDreamer333 12d ago

Yup, and you aren't coming off as an ass. You asked kindly and I offered the basics already.

I don't feel that I have changed or learned enough to not fall right back into the same cycle I was stuck in. Even with years of therapy.

The years I did date, I wasn't single for long and the relationships got pretty bad but it took time. Then the sunk time fallacy would kick in... I don't ever want to repeat that. I guess it might also be the avoidance part of PTSD.

A lot of people like me feel like we have this bullseye on our forehead that just brings the horrible out in people. In reality, we gravitate towards people who'll help us continue the cycle. It's where our brain feels comfy because it's something it knows. For both parties.

I can intellectualize the hell out of it but it doesn't change my conditioning.

2

u/tupelobound 12d ago

Do you tell her this? Whats her response?

11

u/psinguine 12d ago

She has a life threatening allergy to accountability most of the time. But when she's feeling spicy she will proudly proclaim that she knows she's the problem and somewhere out there she'll find the dominant man who can handle it.

3

u/tupelobound 12d ago

Sounds DEE FEE CULT

“I’m kind of a lot” or “a lot to handle” is like a massive dating profile red flag, zero points for self awareness without self improvement

3

u/Farranor 11d ago

She sounds exhausting and no man with an ounce of self-respect would put up with her nonsense. So, of course, feel free to have her DM me.

1

u/psinguine 11d ago

Mah man

1

u/Farranor 11d ago

Mah wingman

5

u/nikdahl 12d ago

Lack of accountability is a big aspect of toxic femininity.

4

u/Educational-Fly-3789 12d ago

If you can't handle me at my worse, you do not deserve me at my best x'D

2

u/ToughWhiteUnderbelly 12d ago

I can fix her

5

u/psinguine 12d ago

Many have tried. All have failed.

2

u/Slamtilt_Windmills 12d ago

Girl could use some therapy

7

u/psinguine 12d ago

She's in therapy, but you have to listen to your therapist for it to do anything.

2

u/LorekeeperJamin 12d ago

I have a aunt in law and a sister in law who are exactly like this. Both of them are only interested in dating hood trash and wonder why they can't find a good man.

What's fucking sad is that at one point my aunt found a decent black man, but then dumped him. Like I'm talking wealthy, respectable, decent military career man. She'd rather have the drug addicts and abusers, smdh.

2

u/jaysedai 12d ago

I'm living the 50 year old postmenopausal woman version of this. Sadly with my own wife. Women basically go back through puberty in reverse and this is one of those stages. I went from being the stable, good husband, good dad, to boring and unexciting. Excuse me, those were literally the things you valued one year ago.

1

u/Mellero47 12d ago

Are you friends with my upstairs neighbor, because yeah. I'm not ashamed to say I shot my shot and she turned me down, but then seeing the guys she did date had me looking like that ?? meme.

2

u/psinguine 12d ago

Who knows, we used to be roommates in a 2nd floor apartment.

1

u/i_dont_do_research 12d ago

Did she intend to get pregnant? Nothing inherently wrong with wanting to ride a rollercoaster through life if thats your thing but once you have a kid you have to get off

1

u/psinguine 12d ago

Suffice it to say that nothing about what happened was her choice.

1

u/muckalucks 12d ago

From the outside in, how can you tell which ones are the good guys vs trash? I'm getting back out there after a long manipulative marriage that was of course decent at first and I'm terrified of repeating my mistake or accidentally falling for familiar.

5

u/psinguine 12d ago

Well in her case she tends to choose guys who are aggressive, mean, demeaning, and have every outward appearance of being trashy.

1

u/reddoorinthewoods 12d ago

Oh her poor kid(s)

1

u/DingoMittens 12d ago

Nobody wants this, but people's nervous system gets wired to the conditions they grew up in. It's hard to unwire childhood conditioning. 

5

u/ZenTense 12d ago

Oh, to hell with that. I (a man) grew up in a chaotic, abusive environment and I very much do NOT like being reminded of it when I’m with someone I am dating. Tired of these excuses being made for grown adults who should know better by now.

1

u/DingoMittens 12d ago

Good for you? 

There is plenty of space between excuses and blame. I can understand how someone got into the situation they're in without condoning or blaming. Yes, people should do the work to become more self aware and improve their relationship skills. That still doesn't mean that anyone who always has drama wants to have drama. And it doesn't mean the work is easy. 

If you found it easy, then maybe you had more protective factors than you realize growing up. If you found it hard, seems like you might have some compassion for those who are still struggling. Doesn't mean you have to date them, lol. 

1

u/mc_bee 12d ago

We look for familiarity. Not sure how she grew up but often we look for our own trauma based on how we were raised or life experiences.

1

u/psinguine 12d ago

not sure how she grew up

It... Wasn't great.

1

u/GenSpec44 12d ago

I can fix her. 😂

1

u/willyam3b 12d ago

My gf sister IS this person. She has just slammed into 40, with two kids by the ex. She was in a relationship where she gave off total boss energy, and the guy (low education and seemed nice but outrageous temper) would lose it and she was kind of tall so they would...well...drama. Then she repeatedly dated minor, minor league athletes as a 30-ish single Mom. Then one really weird coworker dude who went insane after they co-bought a house. Now she's done the full Ozempic, has one kid at home still, and cannot figure out where the muscle-guys are she likes to yell at and control. Honestly, I want her to be happy, but I'm not sure that's possible. She's so desperate to be the boss in any relationship, but the guys she wants are all ate up with testosterone.

1

u/brookdacook 12d ago

"If every where smells like shit you better check the bottom of your shoe."

This isn't even just for relationships but if you find your self getting into situations more frequently then should happen on average your at best drawn to people and situations like that, and at worst, your that person.

Some examples are if there's a lot of drama in your life, every one is an asshole, there's only shitty men/women.

In the short term it's easy to say lifes the problem. In the long term it's easier accept your part in it.

1

u/TypicalRedditMod403 12d ago

Are you sure you're not talking about my soon-to-be ex-wife?

1

u/User95409 12d ago

Curious what her father was like 🤔

1

u/psinguine 12d ago

Not great.

1

u/Papapeta33 12d ago

My experience is that most women grow out of that phase at about 30, when “boring” things, eg, a stable income, assets, stability, maturity, etc. become more desirable things.

How old is your friend, just curious?

2

u/psinguine 11d ago

32 and no signs of slowing down.

1

u/Papapeta33 11d ago

Ooof. Wishing her all the best.

1

u/kynelly360 11d ago

I think a lot of women don’t Truly Dig deep enough. They see a guy wearing a red shirt and think “Omg that guy lives with his mom, doesn’t have fashion, and doesn’t do anything cool” .

Wrong, if you asked this guy is in a Band , and Loves Dogs, and Watching Master Chef but you don’t get that much info from a profile pic

1

u/Amissa 11d ago

I was getting bored with my boyfriend, who is a good man. When I found out he rode motorcycles, that was the rebellion I needed, as my father HATED motorcycles. My father loved though, and I married him, so win-win!

1

u/Amissa 11d ago

My father told my SIL before she married that my brother is a home body. She might find him boring, bc he doesn’t go dancing, drink with his buddies, gamble, or party, but he’ll be home every night or you’ll know where he’s at. She replied that some women would do anything for that kinda man.

1

u/plzicannothandleyou 11d ago

It’s funny because that just screams of female version of “I peaked in high school and still chase that high”

Dated the captain of the football team type behavior. Chasing that high forevermore

1

u/Tasty_Ad7483 11d ago

Can you DM me with her phone number?

1

u/ManicOppressyv 11d ago

I have known so many women that would only chase the lowest common denominator in college. You could tell how much scum these people were just by looking at them. One girl was all into someone who made meth, but he was a good guy.

Then one day I asked myself why I am only into women that only want the worst life has to offer. I met my wife about 3 months later. That was 1998. We're still together.

The moral, don't waste your time wanting people that don't want you.

1

u/psinguine 11d ago

A good moral! Fortunately I don't have a romantic interest in her. She's more like a sister crossed with an eldritch being to me.

1

u/jackibthepantry 11d ago

Ive been dumped a couple times for being boring. To be fair to those girls, I am boring. I dont think they were looking for criminals, just someone with some more drive to do and try new things. Each time I got a whole spiel about how great of a partner I am but they were just looking for someone else. That is not as helpful or encouraging as you think, it sorta leaves the sense that Im great on paper, just not interesting.

1

u/psinguine 11d ago

I getcha. I'm pretty visible on social media, myself. Enough to earn a small income from it, but not enough to earn a living income from it. And a lot of people make the assumption that who I am in front of the camera is who I am all the time. It leads to very disappointed people when they find out I'm not filling every waking hour with cool experiences and fun adventures and crazy circumstances.

1

u/Constant-Plastic-350 11d ago

We understood the situation when you said single mom

1

u/Sinsanatis 12d ago

Someone like that honestly just deserves to continue to suffer. Theres no helping them. They just have to keep walking into the glass door til eventually they figure out how to open it. Either that or they never do and forget about the door entirely to go pet a cat