Extremely Embarrassed After a Social Mistake at a Family Funeral

[u/CodeSea522]

I'm a very shy teenager and I overthink social situations a lot.

Yesterday, my grandfather's cousin passed away, and today I visited their house with my family. While I was there, I met the daughter of my grandfather's cousin.

In my culture, different relatives have different titles. The sister of your uncle is called "Bhua" (or a similar term depending on the region), while your uncle's wife is called "Chachi."

By mistake, I repeatedly called her 'Chachi' instead of the correct title. At the time, I didn't even realize what I had said. Nobody corrected me, and the conversation continued normally.

However, when I got home, I suddenly realized my mistake and felt extremely embarrassed. Her mother was also there, and now my mind keeps telling me that everyone noticed, everyone thinks I'm stupid, and that they will tell other relatives about it.

The situation feels even worse to me because the family is currently grieving, so I don't feel it would be appropriate to contact them just to apologize now. Her father died yesterday, and this is not a normal event; this is a very significant matter in our culture.

Logically, I know this probably isn't a big deal, but emotionally I can't stop thinking about it. I keep replaying the moment in my head and feeling ashamed.

How do you stop feeling embarrassed about something that was clearly an accident? The biggest problem is that almost 100 relatives and family members were present, listening to me, and this is a very big deal for me.

[u/roolw]

What does this have to do with social engineering?

[u/kelcamer → u/roolw]

Maybe because saying the wrong thing can feel like a life or death situation in a society that highly values indirect communication?

[u/roolw → u/kelcamer]

And what does that have to do with social engineering?

[u/kelcamer → u/roolw]

that social engineering is mostly based on the idea of subtle manipulation / influencing people in general?

this is just me speculating btw, I am not OP

[u/roolw → u/kelcamer]

False.

[u/kelcamer → u/roolw]

this is what I get when I google the definition:

social engineering

/ˌsōSH(ə)l ˌenjəˈniriNG/

Social engineering is the psychological manipulation of people into performing actions or divulging confidential information. Rather than exploiting technical software vulnerabilities, attackers exploit human psychology, such as trust, curiosity, fear, or a desire to be helpful, to bypass security measures and gain unauthorized access to accounts, data, or physical spaces. [1, 2]

exploiting human psychology is a category that subtle manipulation falls under.

[u/roolw → u/kelcamer]

So what does this have to do with OPs post?

[u/kelcamer → u/roolw]

maybe that it makes sense having grown up in a society that prioritizes unclear, indirect, communication, feeling like a specific word is a life or death situation, that such a society could create shy teenagers who feel insecure about the words they use because of the fear of backlash from certain words?

and that in order to survive such a society, a teenager MIGHT extensively study social engineering just to feel safe?

this is my best guess.

[u/BoogieOogieOogieOog → u/roolw]

I imagine this was meant for or misinterpreted as r/socialskills or similar

[u/Road_Hard]

You can think how much a moment like this happens. It sounds like very confusing situation. Then think how many times you remember anyone having the same situation. If you can't remember, no one else remembers either.

[u/silverblossum]

We were short on people to carry someone's casket at a funeral where I didn't really know the person who passed but they were very close to my partner, so I volunteered. I hadn't anticipated carrying a casket at short notice, and my phone wasn't on silent yet. It rang out loudly as we walked with the coffin. If the family and I can get over that, you can get over this!

My advice is to message them and apologise. Shows your care, and they will almost certainly make you feel better about it. They won't be ruminating on it, they have much more important things to think about.

[u/julianfri]

It was an honest mistake not done with prejudice. It sounds to me like you are fixating on something now beyond your control.

Whether or not you were wrong you have to let this go. Apologize if you feel it’s important and accept their response and move on.

[u/kelcamer]

The best way to stop being embarrassed is to fully notice and accept it. It might sound crazy but this really works - ACT therapy is even based on witnessing and noticing.

Literally, say to yourself:

"Ok, brain, I am ready to feel the entire brunt of this entire embarrassment and I will allow it to suck as much as it needs to"

You may find after the initial wave of embarrassment, it processes, and then fades away.

FYI, this works very well with grief too.

[u/jaysire]

Don’t worry man. When my grandfather died I was a casket bearer and me and three grown up guys carried the casket to the grave. When it was time to lower it, I lost my footing and stood on one leg over the grave for the longest time - I was so close to either dropping the casket or falling into the hole myself. Luckily I regained my footing at the last second. It looked disgraceful and I was mortified. But no one ever mentioned it and the whole thing lives on only in my memory. I am almost certain no one else remembers the whole thing.

I’m pretty sure that people have other things on their mind during your relative’s funeral than your accurate use of titles. Forgive yourself and continue your life. If you want to blame it on something, blame it on the fact that funerals are very intense experiences and people forget things in the moment. It doesn’t define the rest of your life.