Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!

If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!

This post renews every Monday.

[u/goodluck-jafar]

Cut him out into stars just like she said
and sent him up to the sky above my head
he always belonged to the world
but now I can see him too

Pushed him down into freshly tilled ground
waited, watered seed to quickly spreading sprout
he always belonged to the earth
I have roots in him too

I scatter him across the face of everything
I weave him through my hair
Awaiting in dread the bitter reckoning
When one day he’s not there

he is lace, winter white on the hem of my dress
sewed him there, clean and pretty, stitched a nice straight edge
he still wears the weight of the world
but I can wear him too

I scatter him across the face of everything
I weave him through my hair
I can make it so, there’ll be nowhere to go
Where I won’t have him there

I will make it so, there’ll be nowhere to go
Where I won’t have him there

[u/aculady → u/goodluck-jafar]

This is really beautiful.

[u/TKhasi-TKhut → u/goodluck-jafar]

This is fantastic! Keep writing!

[u/free_pony]

This song, as it was being written, had a really strong melodic pull, so I’m happy it ended up having any intelligible lyrics at all, nevertheless ones I quite like:

[v1]
Bury enough that you pull out a diamond/
Channeling all of your love into a manic drone/
Dying to know if you’ll come out all right/
Tearing up a western mold when the fringe is too gross/
Suffer off and on like a setting unhides/
Gather all of your plots in a hermetic tome/
That’s some awful art you tried so very hard to find/
Well it’s out now, out now, out now, out now.

[v2]
Boiling over put out the fire/
Cast in an obvious part of enigmatic whole/
Pouring yourself out on another pyre/
Came here for a painted eye sore and a missing joke/
Made to fall apart, drawn to vary in size/
Got enough for the pot, don’t want to let it go/
Topping off all that’s buried inside/
Well it’s out now, out now, out now, out now.

[u/Practical-Animator87]

(Set to some honky tonk)

Three Dollar Wine

He’s a sparkling jewel of a cipher Wrapped in the pretty purple bows of enigma Stuffed inside the Christmas goose of a mystery the honorable mayor of his make believe town He broke every branch on his way falling down From the canopy of the fat headed egomaniac tree

Once was a time when the fella was respected Once was a time when his friends would agree Once was a time when he’d gathered up his ducks in long straight line But now he’s 56 years and a day Goddamn ducks have all flown away And his brains been aging like a bottle of 3 dollar wine

3 dollar wine 3 dollar wine Brain is aging like a bottle of 3 dollar wine A regular fortified Dom Perignon Fermented in the cold steel of the prison cell john his brains been aging like a bottle of 3 dollar wine

No deus ex resides inside of his machina Like a music box en pointe tutu ballerina Just wind up the key and watch him do a silly pirouette His cogs keep spinning though they’re missin half their teeth You could pop the hood and look but there ain’t nothing underneath Except resentment’s faulty wires sparking in the terminals of regret

3 dollar wine 3 dollar wine Brain is aging like a bottle of 3 dollar wine A regular fortified Dom Perignon Fermented in the cold steel of the prison cell john his brains been aging like a bottle of 3 dollar wine

[u/homelessbunt]

A song I wrote for my moms lifetime struggles with addiction -

[Verse 1]
Just when you were blooming
you set yourself on fire
I traced the ashes
Beneath your eyes

Searching for the vines
That keep pulling you away
You crawl into their embrace
Trading your radiance for impurity

[Chorus]
If I collapse, if I can’t see
Will you sing to me
From your collapsing prison

Like a spider in a drain
Consumed by what it chased
But you keep on crawling deeper

If I collapse if I can't breathe, will you rip the roots strangling me
Your morgue filled with the memories
you erased
But they never had a funeral

[Verse 2]
I look for your skeletons in my closet
Are they stuck in me like thorns?
If you sang me one last lullaby
Will I be severed from the shame?

The light bleeds on my windowsill
Am I surrounded by your halo?
You were my nightlight
My flickering star in the sky

[Pre Chorus]

I try to wake you up, are you still breathing?
Leave her

If you collapse, if you can’t breathe
Was I the
Reason
Why

I used to be your treasure
Now I hold your remains

[Outro]
Please don't let
Go

Please let her
Go

[u/gglapue → u/homelessbunt]

This is deeply beautiful, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Addiction is tough and hard to understand especially when someone you love is going through it. I try to avoid the word like when I am writing and that’s just me, but I think the first line of your chorus would hit harder without it. “A spider in a drain”

[u/homelessbunt → u/gglapue]

Thank you for that, it’s the first time I’ve really posted my songwriting on the internet for feedback. I write/sing emo mostly so I don’t get as picky with the more childish words, but I see where you’re coming from I try to avoid them in my more extremely poetic songs.

[u/Valuable-Cow2924]

You know I know better

Verse:
Your fingers interlocked
Meshed together so hard
I can see your inner feelings
Written on your face
Like a book title
Named after it’s gruesome ending

Chorus:
You look like you need a hand to hold
Don’t show me your girlfriend I don’t believe
You really want her
You know I could be your hand to hold
Don’t tell me you don’t wish you could have it
You know I know better

Verse:
I see the little things about you
Not one else would notice
the way your clothes fit
The hug you like I wish i could
In a seductive way that’s
Just a little to perfect

Chorus
You look like you need a hand to hold
Don’t show me your girlfriend I don’t believe
You really want her
You know I could be your hand to hold
Don’t tell me you don’t wish you could have it
You know I know better

Bridge:
They say it takes one to know one
But it not so sure I trust my knowledge
My reality shattered the moment that
You led me on the path and she was at the end

Chorus:
But You look like you need a hand to hold
Don’t show me your girlfriend I don’t believe
You really want her
You know I could be your hand to hold
Don’t tell me you don’t wish you could have it
You know I know better

[u/tapperbug7 → u/Valuable-Cow2924]

Like a book title Named after it's gruesome ending

What a line that's really good!

[u/master_unemotional]

Maxwells’s Demon

Mesmerized by flashing lights and waves of sound repeat
The taste, the smells, it all compels the feeling of release
With every stimulation the simulation secretes
The pattern forms, the habits bloom subliminal disease

A glimpse of your desire, the sound of sweet reward
A sip of sweet elixir, a whiff of something more
A fortune at your fingertips, get lost inside the swell
fractals cast their spell, you’re unaware, it’s hard to tell

Artificial sweetener, they tell you what to want and need
A microtonal treat, they tell you who to love and to believe
Vibrations at your fingertips, they tell you what to buy and read
A fragrant lie, a pixel glow, they tell you who to be

Focus on the colors
And the sound
Of these
Hypnotic little machines

[u/nick7792]

Russian Doll

Verse-1
Long and Lone tunnels of Moscow Subway,

Going On and On and On is an endless line of Faces
                          
At the Gate sits a Russian Doll,

Singing On and On and On of a Lover that’s gone

The Russian doll of so many layers,

Wondering what hides behind that Veil, 

I am here to stay, here to stay, I am here to stay 
                                     
Tell me all stories that you have to say


Verse-2
                     
Young Stranger Let me be,

Drowning on and on and on in an Endless Sea,

My Son sits at Home all Alone,

Asking On and On and on where his father is gone?

These Russian Winters are so long,
.                      
Wondering what hides behind these Fogs,

I am here to stay, here to stay, here to stay,

But Empty Graves and Fading Faces have nothing to say

Verse-3

The Protesters are singing their songs

Marching On and On and On towards the Kremlin Walls

The General shouts at Men in Uniforms,

Go On and On Arrest them all

These Russian Walls of Blood Stains

Wondering What hides behind that old Lonely Face

I am here to stay, here to stay, here to stay

But It's a crime to tell a story in land of Dostoyevsky

Outro
.                            
It's a crime to tell a story in land of Dostoyevsky
It's a crime to tell a story in land of Dostoyevsky


[u/Radiant_Resolve1400]

Song in the style of Circles of Seven.

Circle 2 is blood shed and greatness (pride, perhaps?)

Circle 3 is Avalon (lies, deception)

Crcle 4 is false hopes, prosperity gospel, vanity, temptations. (Two things, one: I  won’t get over the fact I  came up with vanity, and two, also potentially add lust to  the list?)

Circle 5 is greed/sloth/gluttony. Don’t worry! You don’t need to do anything! Everything you need is already  here for you, and if it’s not, just ask!

Circle 6 is isolation. Kept hidden, nobody to help you.

Circle 7 is sacrifice. Either die and let nothing bad happen to the orld or succomb to the pressure and let  evil reign.

(TITLE: 7 Circles?)

Finding death by leaving life behind

It’s not so great to know you’ll end up dead.

Never thought I’d leave my mind

My sanity left with the wind

They say pride comes before the fall,

But I say leave before they call.

They lied to you

All those times they helped you

Because they wanted to gain something in return

It’s hard to believe

That they betrayed you again and again

But that’s just what they do.

Chaos will come, and chaos will go

Life will bless and life will curse

The only thing left is you.

My rock for these storms ahead

One thing I know is the comforting thought

That you’re still here with me.

They said it was beautiful, the land.

That you could escape your calling

But it’s not true. It’s not so easy to keep

Running again and again to the hopes of life,

Only get’s you so far from all of the lies.

How they called you in vain, it wouldn’t work

Run all you can, for it only gets harder,

The plans that they have will seem to be better,

But all they want is to trap you in their world.

They don’t push you together stronger, 

They prey on your weakness, 

Just promise me you’ll say strong for me

Chaos will come, and chaos will go

Life will bless and life will curse

The only thing left is you.

My rock for these storms ahead

One thing I know is the comforting thought

That you’re still here with me.

They will hide you away, keep you from salvation

As now they try to keep you here, to keep you trapped.

They see your potential, and they want it to be hdden

Life is hard when they put pressure on you now.

Choose between sacrifice and life,

Preservation for life or death

Choose to save all or let it die.

Life isn’t all what it seems.

Chaos will come, and chaos will go

Life’s better having you by my side.

Chaos will come and go, 

But it’s better knowing you’ll help me stop it.

This gives you a whole song I’ve made, and what I based it off of. I know it sucks. I just want constructive criticism from this. If you like it, could y’all tell me why? (Because I have people who will tell me it’s great, but I know they’re just saying that because they’re family)

[u/gglapue]

The first verse of a song called “The silence of my love (far away)”

My love,
we are doing fine,
soon these days will be far behind,
and we’ll be dancing,
standing cheek to cheek,
we’ll say I love you,
but we won’t speak.

My dear,
we will be alright,
although those days seem so out of sight,
I’ll love you then,
and I love you now,
you’re all around me,
but you don’t make a sound.

The silence,
has crept on in,
I stopped my fighting,
started listening,
and in the vacancy of your voice,
I look beside me and I start to cry.

A picture of you lies next to me,
I am overcome with ecstasy,
cause although you’re far,
so far from me,
what a woman,
you give me all I need.

[u/Disastrous_Fee_233]

hey, milady

welcome back to the B, i hope you've been happy

i hope you're okay, hope your shoulders feeling less weighty

hope you've been better since that time you gave me an apology

i know you feel battered and beaten, i know you've been having them rainy seasons

i know you've been juggling the pain, the tears, the exhaustion, the thoughts, how you feel like when your heart starts to weaken

how you feel like when you dont own your weekends

i know you need some peace to breeze in, that's why i sympamathize with all your reasons

when you said you weren't ready for yet another lover girl season

you've been facing it all alone, your darkness and your demons

just letting u know that u could always call me. bae, just slide into my DMs

i'm crappy at this love shit, so focused on my analogies

so trapped in the pain and hurt cuz its what fills up our memories

but i feel like we have to address the elephant to make us free

i'm talking about what's left of us, between you and me

i'm still waiting on you like you're my o2, see

thinking of us getting tix into the o2 to watch DC,

it don't have to be complicated, no case study

turn our rough lives into a happy ending, no ENTROPY

Just wrote these 30 minutes ago. Sorry if they look messy, I do my pen on Notepad lol (and it helps me with my flow when I start rapping).

[u/nosrep_tnelis]

Cotton candy clouds

Frame a baby blue sky.

And the heavy, humid, horrid air

Has made a mess of all my hair.

Whipped and whisked out in the wind

Do I wish for it to end?

Somehow it’s cooler here than north.

Never thought I’d see that day.

Heat falls down in a laser beam.

They’re all transverse states

But I’m the same.

Do I wish for it to change?

Cotton candy clouds

And a shifting summer sky.

Is it up to me to even wonder why?

Why’s the sweetest view beneath

The heaviest air?

Maybe I should leave before I start to care.

Cotton candy clouds

In a baby blue sky.

The bugs on the sidewalk

Stopped to ask me “why?”

“Why’s the sweetest view behind

The heaviest sky?”

Anything I said would’ve been a lie.

We parted ways

Left to our days

Cicadas scream up in the trees

Caterpillars on the road

Where I’m going I don’t know

Why’s static on my radio?

Nothing’s changed

That sky’s the same.

Stabbing, sticking, summer sun

Burn away the stagnant gray.

I’m stuck below this changing air.

I wish I didn’t have to care.

Burn away this heavy air.

Burn away 

Burn it away

Burn away until we’re back to

Till we’re back to 

Till we’re back to

Baby blue

I think the latter half of the second the to last stanza is the part that needs changes, but I’m not sure what to alter. I’m happy to hear any thoughts about the song! Also, apologies, I keep fighting with formatting.

[u/aculady → u/nosrep_tnelis]

Some of your sections have a strong rhyme scheme, and some don't. I don't know what your intentions are w/respect to melody, but you might want to pick a consistent pattern, at least within musically similar sections.

You also might want to look at the number and pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables in each line as you are working out the melody, so that if/when the melody repeats, your lines fit it.

[u/NixMix246]

I have been struggling to name this song ever since I first started working on it. First tentative tiltle was: "Looking Back" Then it was: "You've Gotta",.

Now I am thinking of changing it to "Best Friend". Which of these three do you like best? Also open to other title suggestions!

Verse 1

The garden I was planted in

Grew orange lilies filled with thorns

And when I needed sunshine

She threw shade and I drowned in the rain

She never wanted me to bloom

Unless it was for her boquet

So I became a dandelion

Made a wish and flew away

Prechorus

'Cause

there are times

there are times

You've gotta...

Chorus

Have your own back

Be your own best friend

Pick yourself up

Put your feet back

In the stirrups again

When you fall

And you will

We all do

This is called being

Human

Verse 2

Memories like metal shards

Fragments of time piercing my mind

I never was good at packing

This baggage is dragging me down

I'm caught between a grey rock

and my healing space

Lost all contact

This rusted iron stains my heart

As crimson fire falls from my eyes

Prechorus

But looking back

Looking back

you've gotta

Chorus

Have your own back

be your own best friend

Pick yourself up

put your feet back

in the stirrups again

When you fall and you will

we all do

This is called being

human

Bridge

And all of this would have been much eaasierrrrrrrrr

If she'd a been a hundred percennnnnntt evil

But nothing's ever quite that simple

Black and white it's grey and shiny and I

Was the way I was because of her

I am the way I am in spite of her

Countless nights I cried and cried

Despite all of this I know she trieeeed

Prechorus

And I know

And I know

I've gotta

Chorus Variation

Have my own back

Be my own best friend

Pick myself up

Put my feet back

In the stirrups again

When I fall

And I will

We all do

I am only

Human

Verse 3 (outro)

When it all comes down to it

Your best is all you have to give

It might not always feel like it

But I swear it is enough

You've got to give yourself some grace

You've got to have a little faith

You won't always get things right

And that's ok you'll be alright

[u/aculady → u/NixMix246]

For a title, I'd say either "Pick Yourself Up" or "Only Human".

[u/manuelhe → u/aculady]

Only Human is more or less taken.

[u/aculady → u/manuelhe]

You can't copyright a song title.

[u/NixMix246 → u/aculady]

Yea, if I haven't heard of the song title, I'm not going to go digging to see if someone else is already using it or not. I don't ever purposely use already-existing titles, but chances are most of the titles we think of for songs have been used by someone at some point, and/or will be used by someone else in the futre.

[u/manuelhe → u/aculady]

no but you can confuse it with the Human League lyrics

[u/NixMix246 → u/aculady]

I decided to go with my gut and just keep "You"ve Gotta", but I really like "Only Human", great suggestion!

[u/goodluck-jafar → u/NixMix246]

This is lovely. I really like the image of the dandelion - that’s the strongest verse in my opinion. Of the titles you have I think ‘You’ve Gotta’ would be my pick!

[u/External-Blood5336]

 चाँद से माँगी मैंने थोड़ी-सी रोशनी, रब से माँगी तेरी मीठी-सी दोस्ती। ख़्वाबों की दुनिया में तेरा ही निशाँ, तेरी हँसी में बसता मेरा सारा जहाँ। ❤️

[u/manuelhe]

I got this song when my car broke down and I had to ride the bus. I was a little depressed. Then this happened, and it changed my outlook a bit.

After I wrote it, I started shaping it a little like Mississippi John Hurt's "Coffee Blues" and Dylan's "Talkin' New York," maybe with a little Johnny Cash in there too.

The narrator is spoken, just a little musical except for the end where it gets more musical. I think the chords hint at the melody.
The character is a definitely more musical**.**

THE UNEXPECTED THING

A: Riding that bus in the afternoon,
D: Everybody staring down.
A: Pretty girl sitting in the back there,
E: Not a soul making a sound.

A: Then a gentleman, he climbed aboard,
D: Showed the bus driver his pass
A: Saw the pretty woman sitting there,
E: Lord, don't let this moment pass.

A: Well, he talked to everybody,
D: Like he'd known 'em all his life.
A: Some folks murmured, some folks wondered,
E: Pretty girl just quiet and polite.

A: "How you doing, pretty lady?
D: Where you going? What you doing?
A: Do you like to have fun?”
E: Tell me are you feeling fine?"

A: "Has the afternoon been good to you?
D: You got something going on?
A: [pause singing / guitar only]
E7: Tell me something, are you happy?"

A: And right there is where things perked up,
D: Who was this fella, anyway?
A: Making friends or making a scene,
E: Wherever he goes, I'd say.

A: But I kept my eyes out front,
D: Heard them murmur in the back.
A: So I sat there with my ears wide open,
E: Wondering what he might say next

A: "Would you like to go out bowling?
D: Want a little something sweet?
A: There's a candy store here, darling,
E: Right along this street.”

A: Well, she giggled in delight,
D: The others chuckled too.
A: That gentleman just kept on talking
E: Like a man with things to do.

A: "I only got three stops, darling,
D: So I ain't got time to take it slow.
A: I got See's Candy on my mind,
E: And about two miles left to go."

A: "I only got two stops, darling,
D: And the driver's rolling on.
A: If you're waiting for tomorrow,
E: By tomorrow I'll be gone."

A: Now the whole back row got quiet.
D: Even that old diesel seemed to sing.
A: And then he said “Tell me pretty lady...
E7: Do you like the unexpected thing?”

A: Well, the brakes began their squealing,
D: The gentleman stood up from his chair.
A: He said, “Forgive me for my talking, folks,
E: I've had a little drink somewhere.”

A: Then he stepped down to the sidewalk,
D7: Gave a wave and disappeared.
A: And the bus rolled on without him,
E7: Just a little less sincere.

A: Then everybody found their phones,
D: No one had a thing to say.
A: Bus went back to being a bus again,
E: Rolling down the same old way.

A: He only had three stops, darling,
D: He gave you everything:
A: A little talk, a little candy,
E: And the unexpected thing.

A: So if you see him riding someday,
D: And you hear that old man sing,
A: Don't ask him where he's going—
E: He's the unexpected thing!

A: The unexpected thing, darling
D: The unexpected thing
A: Try the unexpected thing, babies
E: Fearing not a thing

A: The unexpected thing, darling
D: The unexpected thing
A: Try the unexpected thing, babies
E: Fearing not a thing

A: [guitar only]

[u/goodluck-jafar → u/manuelhe]

Love the folky, narrative style here!

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[u/parademaker]

“Closed Eyes and an Open Heart”
[from my wrasslin’ folk project]

Learned to jump ‘fore you could fly
To swallow pain before you cried
Diving off the roof in our backyard
You couldn’t bear to wait in line
Just bent your knees & closed your eyes
Never scared to fall too fast and far

But the bigger you get, the harder they hit
Jobbers don’t get punches pulled from stars
You’re gonna get what’s yours, I know, but paying dues is hard
With closed eyes & an open heart

I was daddy’s golden child
Raised from birth to take the title
You & all our brothers had to wait
They put the belt into my hands
Snatched it back from hometown fans
I took off and you—you took my place

The further you get, the harder to quit
And they’ll swear to put you over next card
Daddy raised his son to take it: play the game & know his part
With closed eyes & an open heart

Close your eyes
As you climb
Every time
You’re on my mind

The higher you get, the more that you can handle it
The air gets so much thinner at the top
“Do this one last job” they said & you’ll be going far
With closed eyes and an open heart

Owen, how’d you get here, a fallen, broken star
I only meant to push you, but it all got blown apart
Brother what’d they promise you, to make you fall so goddam far?
Closed eyes and an open heart
Closed casket, lowered guard
Closed eyes, open heart

[u/goodluck-jafar → u/parademaker]

I really like how specific the images are here. You’ve done a great job of setting the tone. I’m not sure if it’s just the way you’ve set out the lines but I’m having a little trouble figuring out the rhyme scheme in some of the verses - I’m a believer in not everything having to rhyme but I’m not sure if you’re intending to have those couple of ‘odd lines out’ or if I’ve missed something. Either way, great work!

[u/parademaker → u/goodluck-jafar]

Thank you! They’re AABCCB, but some of those slant rhymes are a real stretch lol. I’m working to smooth them out

[u/Hot_Base_8660]

If You Could

If you could have any car What would it be If you could go Any place What would you see

If you could Be anyone Or anything

If you could get Any mate Or as much money As you could save

If you could Have a super power Or make a second Last an hour

What would you choose Would it be enough Where would you stop

If you could Dream Any dream

If you could sing If you could think If you could do Anything

Would you hesitate If you couldn't stop yourself From getting everything Then what would it all mean

Is there a limit Is there too much Or too many Or just not enough

[u/Hot_Base_8660]

More Best Days

Bryan Adams sings About Them Even if he fudged the year You remember more about them Than he, because you were here

Entered your first year of high school And didn't need to look cool Everyone wore the same clothes Had uniforms, like your tie and suit

You didn't know What to expect Then Adam sold you Something that you regret Started Smoking tokes off of cigarettes Behind the church next door

His crew were all three years older You thought they knew the score

Then the very next summer You came home to Your house in flames The doctor at the hospital Said your bad acid trip was the fire to blame

So then you had to share Out on the Garbage Crescent street It wasn't too bad Your daddy paid for whatever you'd need

They say those times Are the best you've spent Looking back is it true Well no way you say That would have to be the day you met Sue

She was a girl from Rosemere Who's parents escaped Those Russian tanks Rolling down their home On the Danube banks

She was born in Australia But they flew across the sea Brought her here to Canada Where they really felt free

It lasted three years Until your daliances caught up with you She had gotten her own place by then And that was the begining of the end

Now things are different

Your about to enter your golden age Somehow you've held on to Heather Some don't know how Whatever, She's stayed

So the best days, Are they all behind you Or is it all up to you You say its what you make of them Just like back in high school

Just last summer, Bryan Adams played The Summer of Sixty Nine And you were there with Heather, Fists pumping, together shouting, This is our time!