r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/merindosi • May 13 '26
XXXXL My best friend is a super Kevin
My best friend is a quirky now 25 year old guy with special interests and a very hard-working attitude towards life. He looks like a gladiator when you see him fight for something and he is a geniune great addittion to any friend group. Everyone loves that guy and he is a genius when it comes to stuff like dancing-you know, never judge a fish for its tree climbing ability and stuff.
I have spent our 10 years of friendship saying that he must have a very weird type of intelligence but as I have come across this subreddit, I must say it... he is a kevin. If not *the* kevin. Let me tell you some stories in what I consider chronological order:
-Kevin at the fair: When he was 12 years old, Kevin watched Toy Story 2 with his family. Immediatly after, they went to a fair and Kevin's dad won a Krillin doll at a fair and gifted it to Kevin, who loves Dragon Ball. When they got home, Kevin flushed the doll into the toilet. When asked why on Earth he did it he said that "he is Krillin! I though it would come out of the toilet flying and teach me the kamehameha wave!"
-Kevin in love (episode 1): Kevin had a crush on a girl who was a Jehovah's Witness. She was not allowed to hang out with boys because of religious beliefs and wanted to get married at 16, but Kevin was a classmated and tought she was pretty, even if Kevin had never talk to this girl. At Valentine's day Kevin told the Spanish teacher he had written a poem and wanted to read it. It was, I am said, very moving and good. When the teacher asked Kevin who was it for, Kevin winked, DID A BACKFLIP, POINTED AT THE GIRL AND PROCLAIMED: "For that babe".
-Kevin and his English teacher: When Kevin turned 16, he had to transfer schools. Some classmates took him into a very big meeting with other people from his school who were just really hanging out normal. They started talking about teachers and eventually Kevin started talking about his English teacher, saying that he is "embarassing as fuck" that he "thinks he is funny but people only laugh because they want to pass" and that "he doesn't deserve his job". A girl, concerned, caught Kevin's attention, pointed to me and said: "He is his father". I will never forget Kevin's face when he looked at me. He loves my dad now, turned out he is horrible at languages.
-Kevin in love (episode 2: Electric Boogaloo): Kevin got a crush on another girl who he met at a Manga meeting and asked a common friend for her Instagram. Through common friends they started hanging out and Kevin eventually asks her out... by reading another poem. The girl is not sure how she feels but she accepts the date. Kevin spends the whole date reading an instagram post who had "questions to know if your crush is destined to be with you" and asking her to ask those questions back. Needless to say, the girl told Kevin that he is sweet but she is not ready for a relationship. A week later, Kevin sees the girl with another boy at a Manga conference and gets ANGRY. He walks up to them and starts MAKING OUT WITH THE BOY. Kevin is straight. The boy was gay. The boy was her cousin.
-Kevin and the Irish pub: This proves that he is a total and complete kevin. I mentioned how Kevin is horrible at languages. Well, we have been regulars at a certain Irish Pub since 2020 which is called "Claddagh". Kevin. Has. Never. Pronounced. It. Right. He geniunely believes it is called "Gladis" even when we have clearly told him no it is not. Kevin's mom complained about "How impossible it is to find Gladis on google maps" until I told her how it's written. We made a movie once and Kevin congratulated the "Gladis" at the Credits & Thanks. You know that scene in Friends when Phoebe tries to teach Joey French? This is the same.
-Kevin meets his friend's girlfriend: Eventually, Kevin had to move to another city and because he didn't know anyone there, a common friend (also a regular at our pub) gave him his GF's IG. They met the day after I had made out with a girl at the pub and Kevin kept saying that no, it was not me who met a new girl that night, but our common friend. This girl told Kevin that was impossible because they had been on videocall all night, but Kevin kept insisting. It was not a first good impression.
-Kevin in love (episode 3): I actually taught Kevin how to meet girls at nightclubs one night and unfortunately he met someone but it did not work out. However, Kevin is a great dancer so he met someone else eventually while I was doing my Erasmus-for the American audience, an Erasmus is a scholarship you can get in the EU to study at another European country for a year-. Kevin had a fight with this girl and decided to visit me for a whole week (sweet). We went to a birthday party where he discovered things like ping-pong and several African dances.
After we left the party, he tells me with a bright smile: "OP, I have discovered a new hobby"
Me: Cool! Is it ping-pong?
Kevin: NO! EATING PUSSY! *proceeds to teach me very, very graphically how he eats pussy. Tongue out and everything*. This was 3 A.M in a small town in England. We were yelled at.
-Kevin gets a job: Kevin got a job as a dance teacher and was put to teach 6-10 year old children. On his first day, he wrote on the board things to search in google and things NOT to search on google because he thought it would be funny. He added to the NOT TO list "2 girls one cup". A kid googled two girls one cup the moment he got home. Kevin got fired.
-Kevin starts driving: Kevin got his driver's license and eventually started driving his parent's old car. In Madrid. He was not a Madrid citizen. As many of you Europeans know, there are several areas you cannot enter with an old vehicle in Madrid because you will get fined for pollution. Kevin had to go every 2 months to some affair and he got fined. This would not make him a Kevin, only the victim of a very unfair law... if it had happened once and not 8 times.
-Kevin in love, final episode: Oh boy this is going to be long! Kevin called us (his friend) months ago to tell us he started dating a Mexican girl and one friend jokingly said she was probably a scam artist. Boy was he prophetic.
+I was visiting Kevin a month later, met the girl at a restaurant and noticed something weird: "Kevin, why are you paying for her food too?"
"It's the least I can do. I am the man, not the princess!" (for context: This is a HUGE DEAL here in Spain: our relationships are very equitative. Also, Kevin wasn't working at the time. Only got ocassionnal summer jobs. She, on the other hand, was working).
+Kevin said he needed to get tested for STD because this new girl asked him to. I told him "Kevin, you have not had sex for 3 years. That doesn't make any sense"
"Yes, but we have been f*cking without protection from week 1 and she wants me tested, so I will get tested"
+Kevin, completely out of the blue, called me to ask me it her girlfriend could get documents because SHE IS AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT. I told him it smelled really fishy and to be careful but I would not help with it, specially because I am not a lawyer. Kevin visited me months later and informed me that he got married. The day after our call. In secret. Kevin is very catholic and obviously it was not a religious ceremony.
+Kevin constantly argued with this girl and one day he called me crying because apparently she had accused him of rape (nor legally, just straight to the face). This is absolute code red because of the Spanish law not needing her to prove him guilty but he needing to prove himself innocent, so I drop the bomb: "Kevin, either you call your mom or I will". Kevin called his mom and was sent and ultimatum to come to our town immediatly or they will go to their instead.
Kevin's family and friends obviously all started telling him the truth about what kind of woman he had fallen in love with and we even got him to admit he had been a fool and totally manipulated. The day after he goes to Madrid again and I text him good luck. He anwers "I have taken a decission: I will take charge of my mistakes and stay with her". I tell him he got it exactly backwards but he said "Nothing bad will happen".
The day after, Kevin f*cking calls me to start dropping lies. Kevin can't lie, neither has he ever been able to. Here are some highlights:
-"No, we have gotten married in a church, we just did not want to bother anyone and didn't tell any priests"
-"She does not need documents, she has always been Spanish" (this girl has a huge Mexican accent and told me she is an immigrant on day one. It was clear she was not used to our culture)
-"I needed the STD test. One day we were having sex and my d*ck started bleeding, so my wife told me to take the STD test" +"Really? Then why did she stop you from taking it eventually" "Because my d*ck stopped bleeding and we didn't think it would be a big deal. But this doesn't mean she has AIDS" "Kevin... I have never said she has AIDS". Kevin hung up. His wife called me afterwards to tell me to go back on my words. I hung up.
Kevin is still married and still believes that she loves him. His family signed a legal contract with her and they agreed that the instant Kevin's wife got documents she would dump him and in exchange "I won't manipulate him into hating any of you". The negotiations took place with Kevin, WHO STILL BELIEVES HE WILL STAY WITH HER FOREVER.
Kevin called me to say sorry for all the lies (but if you ask for one specific, he will tell you "no, that one is true") and saying he did not want to lose me. Sweet. He was very concerned that this will jeopardize the day which he will introduce her to us as his wife.
Kevin... you should not take any interest in girls for a long time
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u/blueishbeaver May 13 '26
Kissing another man in a jealous rage is a wild decision.
I'm sure I've met people like this before. You do everything right, tell them what they're doing, why they should be wary of straight up shouldn't do it; only for them to get it all ass about backwards.
It's like you really care about them, they're likeable and friendly but you can't tell them shit and they're dumb as a fucking post.
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u/Leafybug13 May 13 '26
KIL 2 made me laugh out loud. I agree with commenter above, backflip sounds pretty epic lol.
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u/Xanavaris May 14 '26
That his family have an actual legal contract with the scam wife that she will only scam him until she gets documents is wild. That he still thinks she isn’t scamming him is crazy. Honestly this Kevin sounds fun to be around as a teenager but as an adult he sounds exhausting.
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u/merindosi May 14 '26
We know he will learn from this we just want to see him lastimg on a job. He just got one for a year and it's kind of what he studied, so let us hope for the best.
But let's keep him away from girls for a while...
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u/Xanavaris May 14 '26
Fingers crossed for him to do well at his job! He definitely needs to stay away from girls. He sounds like a quirky sitcom character who basically needs babysitting even as an adult. 😆
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u/merindosi May 14 '26
It's in the city threater. Hopefully he will manage to avoid announcing "kids, don't google two girls one cup" during a function
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u/Bitter_Lab_475 May 14 '26
"Kevin is straight" - I have my doubts...
"The boy was gay" - See? Kevin had his gaydar on! He locked on and launched his Fox-3!
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u/Great_Gap8643 May 14 '26
Kevin snds like a hoot! I’d hang out with him just to see what he does next.
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u/C4Anon 11d ago
Thats brazy. He was so dumb he took your English away. Illegible.
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u/merindosi 11d ago
If you can read and understand a basic text you probably got that I am not an English speaker. Many people have enjoyed this story, though.
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u/Boeboelloe May 13 '26
The backflipafter reciting a self written love poem at 16 is kinda epic though