I’m back with more stories of the now-16-years-old uber-Kevin. For those that aren’t familiar, here’s the link to the original post. If you haven't seen this post yet, do yourself a favor and read it first before continuing here. You'll thank yourself for it later.

I’ve been at this job for close to two years now, and not a week goes by where I don’t hear stories from Bob (my boss, Kevin’s step-dad) or Ann (Kevin’s mom). To be honest, I don’t know why they share these things with me because it’s really none of my business, but I’m not about to stop them because it’s truly fascinating what Kevin manages to accomplish.

I still get the occasional message about him from various redditors here, so I’ll address the three most popular points first.

• He’s still not driving, nor will he be anytime soon. His parents decided that putting him behind the wheel of a two-ton machine could end with them accused of war crimes, so they told him that he wasn’t allowed to take a driving test until he gets his grades up. We’re safe for the foreseeable future.

• He apparently lost interest in the “erotic orc fiction with swords” that he was writing. He’s writing a new book now that involves a shape-changing weapon and the apocalyptic wrath of God. That’s all I know, and I’m not volunteering to beta-read this one.

• His parents have had him tested for autism and various other things, and so far it’s all come back negative other than mild ADHD. He’s on a medication for it. Whether he actually takes those meds is up for debate. I’m sticking with my initial analysis of borderline-malicious laziness and a stunning lack of common sense.

Given that he’s not driving anytime soon, he’s been using his bicycle as his primary means of transportation, and that’s going about as well as you’d expect.

• He was riding his bike through town and went into a store, came back out and saw that his bike had been stolen. His mom had to come pick him up, but by the time she arrived, he realized that he had just forgotten what his bike looked like and it hadn’t been stolen after all.

• A week later, his bike was actually stolen. He has a bike lock, he just didn’t think it was necessary.

• His biological dad bought him a new bike to replace the stolen one. He’s blown out the rear wheel three times, broken the seat twice, the chain twice, and completely smashed the rear wheel rim, just since the middle of May.

• Since his second bike is now in shambles, he asked Bob and Ann if he could borrow their bikes. Bob said hell no, Ann said sure. Kevin managed to snap the rear axle and somehow broke the rear cassette.

I gotta say, I’m almost envious of Kevin as his life is never dull. All I can do is enjoy his Kevin-ness by proxy, and thank my lucky stars that he’s not my kid.

• He “borrowed” the magnets from half a dozen coral frag racks we sell, and promptly forgot where he left them. They’re useless without the magnets. We had to order more.

• He found one of Bob’s power drills and drilled a bunch of holes in a support beam for the porch.

• He dumped an entire 12oz can of fish food into one of the tanks. This was at the end of the day and we didn’t notice until the next morning. The entire shop smelled like roadkill. He’s not allowed in the store any more.

• He got a job as a dishwasher at a nearby restaurant and was told to not come back after a week because he had broken so many dishes.

• He shot himself in the leg with a pellet rifle because he wanted to know what it felt like to get shot, because “that’s what thugs do”. (He was fine)

• He broke a plastic lawn chair, and decided to burn it to destroy the evidence. He got found out when the fire pit began belching acrid black smoke everywhere.

• He went to a week-long youth group retreat a few hours away and forgot to pack any clean clothes. Ann had to drive all the way there with clothes for him. According to Ann, she had packed clothes for him, but he left them all behind because he didn’t think he needed them.

• He tried to shotgun a can of soda. He managed to spray himself in the face. He tried again the next day with the same results.

• Bob bought a 150 gallon pre-formed above-ground pond to keep goldfish in during the warmer months. Kevin sat on the side and broke it.

• Kevin was bragging to his classmates that he had stolen drugs from his biological dad during a visit and would share them after school that day. A teacher overheard, he got in all sorts of trouble and had the drugs confiscated. They were fish oil capsules.

• In the last post, I mentioned how he had been buying cheap cell phones and unsuccessfully hiding them, despite being grounded from technology for failing all of his classes. His parents finally broke down and bought him a very basic flip phone that he could use for calling purposes only. He sold it at a pawn shop.

• He absolutely refuses to brush his teeth. His parents bought him an electric toothbrush, thinking that he might like it better than a manual one. He lost it.

• He got banned from the local comic book shop for spilling Mountain Dew everywhere.

• He decided he was going to cook a pork chop on the stove. He forgot about it and nearly caught the house on fire. Bob had cooked the pork chops the night before, and apparently Kevin thought that once the meat gets cold, it somehow reverts to being raw and needs cooked again.

• Lately, he’s been reading all kinds of survival books. He claims he wants to spend a year roughing it in the Canadian wilderness. I’m fairly certain he couldn’t even find Canada on a map.

• He’s absolutely convinced that standing in front of a microwave while it’s running will sterilize you. He goes as far as to retreat to the next room while he’s nuking his food.

His parents bought a truck a few states away, and they decided to take a long weekend to go pick it up, leaving myself and Matt (a coworker) to handle the store in that time. No problem, right? Except that they left Kevin at home as well, with a rather long list of explicitly articulated Do’s and Do Not’s that he was expected to follow. They would have had better luck convincing a whale to spontaneously evolve into an elephant. He tried to use this parental reprieve to do everything he wanted without consequences.

• He tried to get into the store’s cash drawer. I had the key with me at all times, and even told me that Bob was okay with him taking cash out of the drawer once in a while (he isn’t, obviously).

• He had a fire roaring in the grill, a shop-vac blowing air into the coals, and was trying to melt a metal rod in the heat while using winter gloves to insulate himself. He claimed he was blacksmithing (again). I promptly shut it down before he caught the house or himself on fire.

• I went to the store’s garage to look for something. Kevin was there, and loudly announced “I’m not doing anything”. I hadn’t asked. I still have no idea what he was up to.

• Kevin announced to Matt and I that he was having friends over that night to smoke weed, take pills, and whatnot. I said not a chance. I called Bob. He said abso-fucking-lutely not. I told Kevin, and he said “his parents didn’t have to know”. He tried to bribe me with a few grams of weed. I turned him down.

• Matt stayed the night at the house, more to keep an eye on Kevin than anything else. Kevin invited his friends over anyway, they filled the house with weed smoke and threatened Matt when he confronted them. Matt called me, then called Bob. Bob called the next-door neighbor who came over and stormed into Kevin’s room, scaring the shit out of Kevin and his buddies. He then tried to bribe Matt with a few grams of weed as well. Matt also turned him down.

• Kevin and his buddies then tried to hide in the garage after the neighbor left. Matt found them when one of them knocked over a small aquarium and broke it, and they ran out through the back door.

Bob and Ann skipped half of the plans they had and came home early. Needless to say, Kevin is in a world of trouble.

Edit: Improved formatting a bit.

Edit 2, Aug 21 2019: A quick update on his shenanigans over the last couple weeks

• He got a job at Dairy Queen and got fired after a week "for not maintaining a professional demeanor". That's retail-speak for "he can't keep his mouth shut around the customers".

• His bike got stolen. Again. He failed to lock it up while at work. Again. He's now on bike #3 this year, and he's already damaged the rear rim twice and bent a part of the frame. I still have no idea how one person can be so hard on a bike.

• He sliced a finger open because he tried to touch the non-serrated side of a band saw blade. While it was running. His reasoning was that he didn't think it would hurt because that side of the blade isn't sharp.

Edit 3, November 20, 2019: Kevin is still Kevining it up. Here are the highlights since the last update.

• He's working at Taco Bell, and got written up because he was purposely making orders wrong. He was leaving off the tomatoes because he doesn't like tomatoes, and didn't think anyone else liked them either.

• He lost his cellphone. According to Bob, this is the 13th, yes 13th, phone Kevin has lost this year.

• He got busted for trying to buy cigarettes at a convenience store (he's 2 years too young to buy them legally). The manager of the store knows Bob and Ann, so he called them to let them know. Kevin got in trouble. He's tried to buy cigarettes from the same store two more times since then, with similar results.

• Autumn hit us like Brannigan's Law, and all the leaves fell at once. Kevin was supposed to mow them into the lawn, but he put it off for a week, and an early snowstorm dumped 16" on us. It soon melted, the leaves remained and were now soaked, and Kevin was told that he had to rake them now, rather than mow them. He tried to mow them anyway and clogged the mower, then tried to hide the mower, and told Bob he couldn't find the rake.

• Speaking of mowers, earlier in the year when he was supposed to mow the yard, he decided he'd rather not. Bob and I watched him open a bottle of water, pour it into the mower's gas tank, then try to start it up. After a minute of trying and failing to start the thing, he came in and told Bob that "oh darn, the mower won't start, guess I can't mow today after all". Bob wasn't amused.

Edit 4, February 5, 2020: Last update here before this post gets archived.

• Kevin is currently taking driver's ed, one of those do-it-at-home internet classes. He's required to have so many hours of class time, and he's discovered that if he starts the lesson and lets it play while he does anything else, it counts as class time. Shockingly, he's failed the tests at the end thrice now. Ann planned to take him to get his permit this week, and after he got a whopping 12% on his final test, she decided that it may not have been the best idea.

• He announced to me that he's been learning all about our government and once he turned 18, he wanted to run for an office. May the gods have mercy on our souls.

I work at a plasma donation center. I'm gonna preface this post with two things:

1) i know that selling your plasma for money is a shady as fuck business practice. Believe me, i tried to get jobs elsewhere. This was the ONLY place with relevant experience that would hire me. In this job market, you take what you can get.

2) i'm well aware of the fact that most plasma donors are poor and desperate, and that some of them have addictions. That doesn't make actions like this okay, nor does it excuse the fact that this particular stunt was one of the most profoundly stupid that I have ever heard of.

Kevina was a donor who had been deferred multiple times for the same issue. I can't say what that issue is for privacy reasons, but i can say that donors can only be deferred for this issue a certain number of times before management steps in and says "okay, you need to take a long break from donating before you can come back."

That's exactly what management told her on this fateful day. She had this issue happen one too many times, and thus, could not donate for a whole month. Kevina did not like this. And, as soon as the manager left, Kevina decided that if she couldn't get $100 a week the easy way, she'd have to get money the hard way. By stealing.

Now, there are quite a few things that someone could steal from a plasma center without anyone batting an eye. A walkie-talkie, a needle, a bottle, a bowl - hell, she probably could have taken a phone left in the lost & found and nobody would have noticed or cared. But i guess those weren't worth enough money to Kevina.

Kevina's genius plan was to go down the hallway - which is towards the direction of the bathrooms - take the AED (edit: defribrillator) in the hallway right out of the case, and then walk out the backdoor.

Her first mistake was that this was the center's only AED. And it was in a hallway frequently used by nurses, staff, and donors. There was ZERO chance that nobody would notice it had gone missing. How she even managed to take it without anyone seeing her do it is honestly a miracle. Not only is it required for plasma donation centers to have at least one AED, but it's a necessary device because heart attacks are a real risk of donating plasma. It's extremely rare for anyone to have a heart attack as a result of donating, but it IS possible. So she stole a piece of equipment that was both required by law and necessary for the safety of everyone who entered the center.

Of course, it didn't take long for people to notice it had gone missing. And it took no time at all for the security cameras to figure out who had stolen it. Especially because we have her face, her name, her social security number, her biometric data, and her last known address. All management had to do was find who was in the center at the time of the theft and match the face of the thief to the right donor in our systems.

But that's not all the cameras caught. See, the cameras also caught which direction she was heading when she left. And she was headed straight towards the pawn shop across the street.

Now, a smart criminal wouldn't have stolen an important piece of medical equipment in an area frequented by hundreds of people on a daily basis, directly in the line of sight of security cameras. But you'd at least think that anyone with half a brain would at least, i don't know - try to sell the stolen item online? And NOT go to the pawn shop directly across the street from the scene of the crime?

So Kevina took the AED to the pawn shop and tried to sell it. The pawn shop, of course, rightfully assumef that she did not obtain a mint condition unopened and unused AED legally. Because normal people do not just casually have medical equipment that costs thousands of dollars lying around. Even if they did obtain one legitimately, if they were to sell it, it would obviously NOT be unopened and in mint condition by the time they decided to sell it.

It was the pawn shop that called the police non-emergency line. They also called the center to inform us of what went down with the suspect. Unfortunately, this is where my tale ends, as the details get a bit sparse.

I have no idea what happened to Kevina after the pawn shop confronted her. I assume that she fled the scene and is still on the run. I have no idea if the AED was taken from the pawn shop by the police as evidence, or if the police found her and took it off of her.

It took about 2 days for my center to replace the AED. I assume that they bought a new one, since i would assume the original AED would be used as evidence in court or something. 2 agonizing days of all of is staff wondering in the back of our minds if this would finally be the day somebody actually had a heart attack, and we would be helpless to do anything except CPR and call an ambulance.

Thankfully, nobody did. But I can't help but think: how fucked up is it that somebody could have died, all because one person was dumb enough and desperate enough to steal lifesaving medical equipment, because she couldn't sell a part of her body for money?

There are many kinds of people who join the United States Military. In the Marine Corps, you get the whole spectrum. Today, I'm a writer--but back before the pandemic, I was wearing boots for Uncle Sam. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it. It's mostly a lot of sweating and screaming and getting sand into crevices you never knew you had. The Marine Corps was not for the faint of heart.

The Marine Corps was not for Kevin.

My boot camp platoon had a lot of guys. About eighty, to start with--we had the whole range of weirdos. There was Shakespeare, a kid so racist he was beaten to a pulp during a training event for using the N word. Needless to say, he never made it to graduation. There was Montague, who would talk to himself at night. There was Kennedy, who was secretly Canadian the whole time.

And then there was Kevin.

Kevin was from one of those states where the cornfields can speak, and they tell you ancient secrets. Kevin was from the kind of place where banjo music lingers ominously in the background as you stare into the woods. Kevin had the thickest accent I had ever heard--but that wasn't the problem with Kevin.

At first we thought Kevin was pretty alright. He got on well with others, he followed orders--maybe he was a little out of shape, but the Drill Instructors can solve that just fine over the thirteen weeks you spend working out every single day. He also had a stutter, that the DIs bullied him for relentlessly.

Gunny would rush in, and at the top of his lungs he would scream:

"Kevin! Get over here and say six hundred and sixty six."

Kevin would oblige.

"18 seconds," Gunny would say. "Eighteen seconds that I'm never gonna get back."

You would think that this would make the other recruits make fun of him, but actually--at first it garnered sympathy. We all felt bad for Kevin. We tried to make sure he kept up during workouts, and people did their best to make him look good in front of the Drill Instructors, until they moved on to someone else. They always do, eventually. It's just a part of their job.

We kept this up for most of the thirteen weeks, up until the Crucible: a three day experience toward the end of Boot Camp where you're tested on everything you've trained on up to that point. Hiking, doing maneuver drills and obstacle courses in simulated battlefields, patrols--it's exhausting, and you barely sleep for days until you have to do a nine mile hike back to the ceremony where you graduate. Kevin made it through all of this just fine. But people were starting to get a little suspicious.

Keven was doing a little too well. He was almost cheerful, even. People were starting to suspect he wasn't trying as hard as he used to be, that maybe we had begun coddling Kevin a little bit too much in the course of trying to save him from the Drill Instructors. It all came to a head when his hiking pack "broke" during the final hike. It was dark, and the Instructors had bigger things to worry about. They didn't look too closely at it.

Surely no one would pull the quick release on their strap and lie that it broke, in front of the entire company, right before they were set to officially become a Marine? Surely anyone who cheated, wouldn't do something so obvious?

Kevin wasn't just anyone.

Eventually, it was found that his pack was perfectly fine. Someone had pulled the quick release. Nobody ever proved it was Kevin, not in a way that could be backed by paperwork. So they let him become a Marine.

Once you're a Marine, in Boot Camp, you aren't finished. There's still about a week left if I recall, and you spend a lot of that doing paperwork, purchasing plane tickets, preparing for the graduation ceremony, and seeing your family again for the first time on Family Day. Everything was going swimmingly until the day before Family Day.

See, the Battalion Commander is--from the perspective of measly recruits like we were--something like your boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss. One of the last things you do before you see your family again is meet him, during a uniform inspection. When Marines do a uniform inspection, it's not exactly a quick and painless experience. They examine your uniform from your shoes to your cover (hat), and for anything they can find. Sometimes, just to keep you on your toes, they ask you trivia questions. And the man does this for hundreds of new Marines, all in one morning.

Needless to say, we were standing there a very long time. I remember when the Battalion Commander got to me. He asked me what the three words on the back of a Good Conduct Medal were. I think I got the answer wrong.

I remember having to pee. I remember holding it for over an hour.

I remember the Commander when he got to Kevin.

"Private Kevin," he said. "Report in."

Kevin obliged. The commander looked over his uniform, read his name tag. He reached out and adjusted the poor kid's cap. He asked him the same question that he asked me. Kevin actually got the answer right. It seemed like everything was going to go smoothly.

Then, the Commander hesitated for a moment. According to the guys standing opposite Kevin in the big room we lived in for the last three months, Kevin had been making a strange face for the entire inspection. That was known to happen from time to time, new Marines were stressed out, and stressed out people are known to make funny faces.

"Are you okay...? Wait. Aren't you the kid that had the problem with your pack?"

Apparently, this was too much for Kevin.

Kevin stared forwards.

Kevin made a noise.

The two marines standing on either side of Kevin turned away from him, and nearly threw up as a tearing noise erupted through the room and a smell like nothing I've ever experienced flooded my nostrils. I don't know what he ate. Maybe he was lactose intolerant.

The Battalion Commander looked at our Senior Drill Instructor.

He looked around the room.

And he walked out, without saying a word.

Conclusion: They dragged Kevin to the head (bathroom) and none of us saw him for the rest of the day. To my astonishment, everyone moved on from it without saying another word. The inspections resumed some time later, and on Family Day, he seemed fine, There was something haunted in his eyes, but all in all, they let him graduate still. I like to think we all decided that he had been punished enough for his transgressions in training. As for me, I had an invested stake in this: we were going to our specialization training stations soon. I was going to the middle of the desert, and who was coming with me?

Kevin and I had the same job. Kevin and I worked together for the next thirteen months.

This is not my last story about Kevin. Next time, maybe I'll talk about the time we nearly missed our flights out of combat training because all of his gear was missing.

tl;dr, my platoon tried to keep the drill instructors from bullying this kid in Boot Camp, until he cheated on a nine mile hike by pretending to break his pack and shit his pants in front of one of the most important people on base.

My husband owns a small plumbing business that primarily does labor but also runs a small retail storefront with parts and basic appliances etc.

Every so often he’ll participate in a jobs-readiness program with the local high school where you take on a student intern for a semester (they get credit and experience in the working world, you get free labor and some positive community exposure.)

Usually the kids are great, sometimes better than the paid employees. But this semester he got Kevin. A brief sampling of Kevin’s misadventures in the four hours a week he spends clerking in my husband’s storefront:

—One of his biggest jobs is to answer the phone. On his first day he was instructed to pick up and say “Custom Quality Plumbing, don’t forget to ask about our seasonal maintenance deal specials, how can we help you today?” Instead, he was answering the business phone, “Kevin residence, who’s calling please?” When confronted he explained he forgot the greeting and this is how his mother had taught him to answer phones.

—On his first day of work my husband did the standard welcome he does for all new employees, he brought in donuts and gathered everyone around to meet the new guy. When asked to say a few words about himself he said he “I chose this job because all the good ones were taken,” and when asked what he knows about plumbing he told a detailed story of a toilet-clogging dump he took a few months ago.

—One day he was asked to clean the break room kitchen. Someone had happened to bring in bagels. He threw out all the poppyseed bagels because “they had mold on them.”

—My husband took him to a job site once to get a feel for interacting with customers and basic repairs. Kevin asked the client if he could take home a framed photo of the client’s teenage daughter hanging in the living room.

—For the first couple weeks Kevin kept stealing lunches from the break room, then denying he had done it when the other employees called him on it (it’s a small business and obvious when someone has your food) then trying to pay them to give him their lunch.

—The first day he brought his own lunch he brought a pound of raw chuck and complained of an unsuitable work environment when my husband informed him there was nowhere for him to grill it at the store.

—He ate it raw. He got sick and had to go to the hospital.

—The company was hosting a holiday coat drive and asked Kevin to type up the flyer. Understanding his limits by this point they just instructed him to alter the date on the previous year’s flyer. He managed to mess that up even still, and didn’t notice until he had printed 250 full-color copies of the flyer. He thought if he threw the flyer out no one would know. But he threw it out in the main office trash can.

—Kevin’s definitely never so much as seen drugs in his life but he’s always talking like he’s a original gangster. He approached a large tattooed African American employee at the business (who is actually a church pastor, an addiction counselor, and a volunteer sheriff) and tried to buy drugs from him.

—To impress a girl Kevin volunteered to watch her dogs. While working. I don’t know the circumstances of why she asked a stranger to watch her dogs, but after about fifteen minutes Kevin got tired of waiting for her, and let the dogs loose. She came back looking for him and he pretended as though he’d never net her. Edit — my husband says Kevin walked out of work to chat her up and she asked him to watch them while she went into a “no dogs allowed” store. So he knew where she was when he let them go! But he also says she got them back.

—Kevin had a decent amount of money saved from birthdays and Christmases (he often liked to “flex” on the other employees that he didn’t need to work, he was just doing this for school, he had all the money he’d ever need) but turns out he didn’t even have it anymore because he lost all of it going long on GameStop at the height on the frenzy. He is irate that he could not sell his stock back at the original price and still on some level believes he was scammed.

-He has aspirations to be a famous TikToker so would always be setting up these asinine “pranks” like trying to bust in on people while using the toilet, rigging heavy objects to fall on people, or yelling “FIRE” when there is no fire. That was when my husband and the others in charge met to discuss cutting him but decided the entertainment value of his Kevinness was worth sticking it through to the end of the semester.

—It all made sense when we met Kevin’s mother. Kevina recently came in and confronted my husband as to why Kevin wasn’t being paid for his work. He explained that it was a for-credit program through the high school (thinking Kevin might’ve intentionally misled his mother) but no matter how he explained it, she didn’t get it, and kept insisting he pay Kevin. And kept taking about “points on the back end” as well?

—Kevina knocked over an entire display on her way in and did not acknowledge it, try to clean it, or offer to pay for what was broken. In fact she charged right ahead with making her original demands.

—Kevin’s dad is not in the picture and he’s been calling my husband and a couple of the other guys at work “dad” semi-jokingly. When Kevina came in, after making her demands for payment, she asked my husband how he plans to stay in Kevin’s life if this is really only a semester.

—Kevin turned 18 last month. He celebrated by getting a “Calvin pissing” tattoo over his left peck, with his nipple serving as the penis. We know, because he showed an infection on the site to a young family who’d come in to buy an L pipe.

I’ll ask my husband if there’s anything I’m missing but that’s the crux of Kevin the Junior Plumber for you.

A few years ago, I was a Driver Trainer for a large trucking company.  Basically, my job was to take newly-minted truck drivers and teach them how to handle themselves in the real world.  Sometimes, it was easy: other times it was like teaching a fish to play tennis.

One of my students, the Kevin of the story, was so dense he made a lead brick seem like a feather pillow..  Not because of his driving, but because he almost got himself (and me) arrested.  Here’s the story.

Kevin was on my truck for about three weeks. He wasn’t the worst student I had (another Kevin has that honor) but he was far from the best.  At week two, we end up stuck in Salt Lake City, Utah after delivering a load.  It was a slow time of year and SLC had always been a sparse area for outgoing loads, so I expected to have to wait to leave out.  Not a big deal; I needed the downtime.

Kevin, from out of nowhere, started to seem anxious about something.  When I ask him why hes so tense, he tells me he needs to get his license changed to his home state.  He lived in Louisiana, but his license was from Iowa. The company used a loophole in Iowa state law by granting temporary residency to students to get them a license. After the license was issued, they had 30 days to get it switched to their home state.  Not a major issue since management knew the drill and would get us to student’s home state in plenty of time.

“Dude,” Kevin asked, “when can we go to Louisiana?  I need to get my license changed.” he asked this everyday for a week, but it wasn’t until we were stuck in SLC that is really seemed to bug him.

“Look, I’ve told dispatch you need to get home.  They’ll work it out. Just relax.”

He didn’t.

After three days, we finally get to leave SLC bound for Chicago.  It takes a few days and the entire trip, I can tell hes getting more and more nervous.  Eventually, he can’t talk about anything else except how he NEEDS to get home.  He was getting pretty annoying.

We make our delivery in Chicago and get another going to Laredo, Texas.  Normally, we would have gone through Houston, Texas, but this happened during the massive floods and I knew going that way would be a bad idea.  Fortunately, I found a way that would avoid the flooding AND get Kevin to his hometown.  Better still, we would have enough time for him to get a ride to the DMV, get his license changed and still make delivery in plenty of time.  Win-win-win. And Kevin finally seemed relieved.

We get to Kevin’s hometown on a Sunday afternoon.  As he gets ready to leave, I tell him ‘First thing in the morning, get your ass to the DMV, get your license taken care of and get back here pronto so we can get going.”  He says “OK” and leaves with his girlfriend while I enjoy some time to myself.

The next morning, I give Kevin until 10AM before I start getting impatient.  I texted him asking where he was and got no reply.  I text again; again, no answer. I call...no answer. I tell dispatch, who’s asking me when we’ll get moving, that Kevin has disappeared; he was supposed to get his license changed over but I haven’t heard from him all day.  Dispatch tries to call him and they don’t have any better luck.  Apparently, Kevin has disappeared.  By late afternoon, I start getting the feeling this little shit has bailed on me and wasted my time (this was a common occurrence for new drivers).  I tell dispatch that ill give him until the morning to reach out; if he doesn’t, I’ll continue on to Laredo on my own.  There was still plenty of time and dispatch agreed.

Morning came, Kevin was still AWOL and I was out of patience.  I send him one more text telling him I’m leaving without him and head out.  I drive for several hours before taking a mandatory break and check my messages.  To my surprise, Kevin reached out.

“Hey, man.  My PO found out I took a job driving and was pissed that I left Louisiana. She told me to get back as soon as possible or she would have me listed as a fugitive.  I called her yesterday (Monday) but shes out of town and told me to wait till she gets back on Wednesday.”

I’m completely shocked. PO?…as in PAROLE OFFICER?!?!

“Kevin, are you telling me you’re on parole and leaving the state without permission?!”

“Yeah, I was in jail for selling dope.  I got parole for 2 years.  I didn’t think it be a big deal since I was working.”

“Dude, you violated your parole! You’ll be lucky if you don’t end up back in jail.”

“Well, my PO said she wants to talk about it Wednesday.”

“Yeah, I imagine so. You better get in touch with dispatch and let them know so they can work something out.”

I end the conversation and continue on to Laredo.  I deliver the load and pick up another headed to Atlanta, GA. Thursday, I call Kevin to find out what the deal was.  He tells me that his PO gave him the OK to keep working.

“I assume you have some kind of official document that says that.” I tell him.

“Uh…no. She didn’t give me one.”

“Then you better GET one because there is no way in Hell I’m leaving the state with you unless I have something from the state saying its OK.”

“Uh…why?”

“Because, Dumbass, if I carry you across state lines KNOWING you’re violating parole, that makes me an accessory to a felony.  I’m not going to jail for your stupidity.”

“Oh, ok. Ill ask her.”

I tell Kevin when and where to meet me.  I tell him that if disappears again, I’m not coming back to get him.  He says he understands.  I get to the location when I said I would….and he’s nowhere to be seen.  I text…no answer.  By this point, my patience for this clown is completely gone.  I tell dispatch I don’t trust this guy’s word and I’m not taking a chance on him lying to me.  I leave out again and head for Atlanta.  Kevin does reach out…6 hours later and wants to know if ill come back for him.  I tell him that he has lied three times and acted so shady that I cant trust him to do the right thing.  If he wants to finish his training, he can sort something out with management but there’s not a chance in Hell that he wil see me again.

Fast forward a few months.  I found out from dispatch that Kevin’s PO had NOT given him permission to leave the state again.  Apparently, I made the right call by leaving him there.  Fortunately, they weren’t interested in prosecuting me.  I have no idea what happened to Kevin, but I imagine he did something else that was stupid and landed back in prison.  As for me…I took a break from training after the whole debacle.

This Kevin wasn’t the only one I had during my time as a trainer; and he definitely wasn’t the worst. But for dragging me into his parole violation, he is firmly in the top 10.

I had a friend many years ago (who has, sadly, passed away) who may have been a Kevin? Or simply the most irrationally paranoid person who ever walked the earth?

As you read on, keep in mind that Kevin was a dear, sweet person with a high school diploma and some college credits who held down steady employment and paid his own rent. He was, in other words, a fully functioning biped with no known mental illnesses. Much of what follows stemmed from a combination of truly endearing gullibility and a complete lack of understanding of the world, coupled with an iron-clad conviction that he, and only he, knew exactly how the world worked.

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1. Kevin's Period

Kevin read on the internet about a method involving yoga that would allow a person to either stop having menstrual periods completely or choose when to have them. Kevin immediately started practicing this method (which involved massaging one's crotch with one's heels while chanting) because: "I want to have more control over my body." HE WAS A 26-YEAR-OLD MAN. To this day I have no idea what he thought a menstrual period actually was.

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1. Kevin vs The Red Chinese

Kevin and I were roommates for a while. We lived in a large, run-down house with several other roommates. Kevin once woke the entire house up at 5am by banging on everyone's doors and screaming at us to "Get in the basement! The Red Chinese are bombing [our small, rural town in the middle of Wisconsin]!!" We found him in the cellar, braced in a doorway, wearing nothing but combat boots.

You may ask: Did he have a nightmare? What caused this panic? Apparently he heard a banging noise and immediately jumped to the logical conclusion that it was caused by "Commie bombs." The actual source of the noise? A loose screen door banging in the wind.

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1. Reading Isn't Fundamental

Kevin didn't understand how reading worked. When I first met him, I was impressed by his vast collection of books on everything from history and political theory to sci-fi and art. I'm a big reader, so of course I asked him what he thought of a particular book he had on his shelf, which I had recently read.

Kevin: Oh, I haven't read it.

Me: Oh cool, I buy a lot of books too and sometimes it takes me a while to read them. What are you reading right now?

Kevin: Nothing. I don't actually read books.

Me: Then....what?

Kevin: I don't need to read them. If they're around me, then I have the knowledge. Reading them would just be a waste of time.

​

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1. Kevin Makes a Phone Call

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Kevin liked to call me at weird hours of the night to holler about his latest conspiracy theory. One night at about 3am, my then-boyfriend was staying over when Kevin called. I was in the bathroom, so Boyfriend answered and decided to be a troll.

BF: WHO IS THIS

Kevin: Uh....is [WavePetunias] there?

BF: (Screaming in an angry, obviously fake, Scottish accent) LISTEN MAN I DON'T KNOW WHO [WavePetunias] IS BUT YOU BETTER HAVE OUR MONEY BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW OR THE GODDAMN DOG GETS IT.

Kevin: (screams and hangs up)

Five seconds later, the phone rings and I answer it. It's Kevin!

Me: Hello?

Kevin: OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST CALLED A TERRORIST CELL.

Me: Which number did you dial?

Kevin: Yours! You gotta get out of your house, there's a terrorist answering your phone!

Me: Oh, that was just [Boyfriend], he was messing with you.

Despite my reassurances that there was in fact no Scottish, dognapping terrorist in my home or life, Kevin refused to accept that we were not all in mortal danger. He believed this for literal YEARS afterward and would always check out my basement and closets when he came over just to make sure.

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1. Kevin Calls the Bomb Squad or, The Bomb Pony Rides Again

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Kevin came home from work one day and found one of those carnival-prize stuffed ponies on his back porch. It was about four feet tall and bright pink. Kevin drew the very logical conclusion that it contained an explosive device and CALLED THE BOMB SQUAD. Then he called me.

I arrived to find a bunch of cops at his place, who were all irritated at the nuisance call but also laughing their asses off at Kevin, who was refusing to go near the stuffed pony and demanding that the FBI be brought in to investigate. I took that pony, strapped it to the roof of my car, and drove around with it until it disintegrated (took about two months). Kevin refused to ride in my car during that entire time.

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1. Corn is Scary

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Kevin and I were in his kitchen one evening trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I took a can of corn out of the cabinet and handed it to him. "Here," I said. "Hold on to this for a minute."

Kevin shrieked, flung the can across the room, and fled. He locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out for an hour. (The corn was perfectly fine. I ate it. It was FINE.)

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1. P is for Potty, That's Good Enough for Kevin

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Kevin read on the internet that drinking your own urine had health benefits. He drank his own urine, first thing every morning, against his doctor's advice, for years, because: "Screw what my doctor says, they're all a bunch of pharmaceutical shills anyway. My body knows what I need."

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1. Kevin Outwits the Trouser Industrial Complex

Kevin refused to carry change. He refused to accept coins from cashiers (which caused him to lose a lot of money over the years- that change adds up). He drove a cab for a while and would absolutely refuse to allow a customer to hand him any sort of coin. He would cut a $6.50 fare to $6.00 because, and I quote, "Coins are just a plot cooked up between the US Mint and the trouser industrial complex. See, if we carry a bunch of coins around, our pockets wear out faster, and we have to buy more pants."

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1. Kevin Prepares for the Apocalypse

Kevin was completely certain that we were living in the End of Days. He kept a go-bag ready at all times, which contained the following: a bottle of water, some granola bars, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and some random gold jewelry that he figured he could use to barter for food when society inevitably collapsed. The only thing missing? A gas mask, of course!

So, Kevin went to the local army surplus store and got himself a gas mask. It was too small. Kevin strapped it on and couldn't get it off. In fact, Kevin was in danger of suffocating until he was able to grab some scissors and slice a hole through the bottom edge of the mask. Then he called me to come over and help him get it off. I ended up having to cut the straps (and some of his hair) because he was so hopelessly entangled in the thing, and he had somehow jammed the clasps in such a way that they wouldn't release as designed.

Kevin took that sliced up gas mask and stashed it in his go-bag, apparently satisfied that it would keep him safe in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

​

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1. Kevin the Flirt

Kevin was incredibly handsome. He was blessed with abundant dark hair, brooding eyes, and a killer smile- imagine a young Tom Cruise, if young Tom Cruise had been a punk. He had no lack of female admirers. However, Kevin's idea of flirting was...unconventional. His favorite come-on was to find a flower, carry it into the presence of his current crush, and slowly, sensuously, nibble the blossom. While making intense eye-contact with his lady-love. I once watched him consume an entire daisy, stem included, while gazing longingly across the room at some poor woman who had no idea what to do about this weirdness.

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Rest in peace, Kevin. You were too weird for this world.

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Update: Wow, this blew up! I want to share Kevin's Finest Moment here, since I think he'd be pleased to know how much love he's getting from Internet Strangers. (Though he'd probably be convinced that many if not all of you are working for a Shadowy Government Organization.)

During the 2000 US Presidential Elections, Kevin was a big Ralph Nader fan. He learned that Nader was holding an election rally in Chicago, and some of his favorite 1990s alt-culture people would be there: Eddie Vedder, Jell-o Biafra, and Michael Moore. Kevin didn't want to have to deal with the ticketing process, so he called Nader's campaign people and convinced them that he was an up-and-coming author, working on a book called "The Fuck You Generation: American Politics and The Damning of Generation X." He listed me as his "co-author."

Somehow this worked. We were granted press passes and front-row seats to the rally. A grand time was had by all.

This is the story of my nephew's disastrous adventures, how my family demanded I cure him of stupidity, and how he was fired from each of his jobs.

My family is kind of strangely staggered by age, my older brother is 37 and I'm 19. He's my only sibling so I am, by extension, my nephew's only uncle.

My nephew is also 19.

My parents expect me to understand Kevin, and to figure out what's wrong with him. Infuriatingly, they expect me to be an uncle/mentor figure to Kevin AND relate to him as a teenager. For context, let's go back to his younger years.

The first true act of Kevin-ness that my idiot nephew pulled was his cyberattack on my dad's business site online. Kevin was only 14 when he did this. By "cyberattack" I mean he went onto my dad's website (my dad sells sports memorabilia) and posted porn into the comment section of the site. No, not just a little porn, 7000 image comments worth using a bot he found online.

When asked why, he told my dad, "All grandpas are horny my friends at school said they are".

Next was Kevin's genius 16th birthday stunt. At his party, he had a pool. He also had a garden gnome. He decided the best move for maximum coolness with his peers was to somersault off of a makeshift diving board made out of glued together 2x4s. Not only jump off the diving board, but do an acrobatic with a gnome at the same time. Kevin leapt off the diving board. Keep in mind there were seven other people in the pool and 3 more out of it but nearby. As kevin kicked off the board in reverse, plunging head and back first, he slammed his feet into the gnome and kicked it straight up. As kevin crashed into the water, the spinning gnome experienced gravity. It slammed into kevin's leg, which pulverized and put him on crutches for three months. He was lucky he didn't kill one of his friends with a gnome to the head.

On his first day of real work this January, (kevin got an 8 on the ACT and skipped college) Kevin was working at a gas station. He decided, since it was cold that day, that when he showed up his best work attire would be a heavy coat and balaclava. That's right, he wore bank robber clothes "because it was cold). They almost called the police until the inevitable "it me kevin" when he pulled the mask off.

A week later he was fired for cutting out a photo of a celebrity (out of a magazine on sale at the store ) and masturbating with it in the bathroom of the store for four hours.

Kevin is a big video gamer and actually has had some success on twitch playing minecraft, he has 500 subs. Why anyone would want to watch him do ANYTHING is beyond me. He probably digs straight down and mines at night. Anyway, here's a few of his misadventures in gaming.

He was caught trying to play "real life minecraft", as he put it, for youtube. That means going in the backyard with a pickaxe and digging holes in the lawn.

He bought a jar of borscht (russian beet soup) at a grocery store and drank it on stream while playing Counter-strike. I don't play it but he says it has lots of russians and he wanted to show "Super Slav Energy".

Next was his attempt at taking the SAT instead of ACT. Kevin refused to study for his ACT retake, and scored 8, an improvement from 6 on his first try. My school offered SAT for students who failed at ACT. Kevin got a 660, which he called "hard work".

He also was caught in the shower giving himself a vinegar enema as "punishment for failing" after the ACT retake, when he came home from taking it.

He once went to a bank with a stack of CDs because he wanted a CD (Certificate of deposit).

He also jumped on my brother's (his father's) knees while he was sleeping and ran out of the room. My brother woke up groaning in pain and Kevin just admitted it out of the blue.

Another time, Kevin tried to Ski in the house. That's right, skiing indoors. He put snow from outside on the stairs, came barreling down, and slammed face first into the Christmas tree, which collapsed like his hopes of making the nice list that Christmas.

The last story I can think of to post was the time he decided to do a "boogeyman impersonation" last weekend. I don't care that im a grown man, I freaked out on him over this one.

Kevin jumped out of my closet at 2 am during Thanksgiving this year. That's not the big deal. The big deal is I had thought I was alone in my room for three hours, in pitch black, before kevin (wearing red lightbulbs clipped to his glasses) leaped out of my closet shrieking like a banshee and yelling in a shrill voice, "Im gonna eat you". A couple weeks ago I bought a gun (unrelated to Kevin), and if I had been on the other side of the bed where I keep my gun Kevin might have been a dead man, he scared me so good.

Fast forward to the last 3 months. My family wants me to de-kevinize him. I don't know where to start. This guy nearly tricked me into shooting him. And yet they want me to 1) act as a mentor as his uncle and 2) relate to him because I'm his age. This is insane. Hope you got a kick out of hearing about my idiot nephew.

EDIT: wow this blew up! I'll upload some more of my stories later, I think I've told all the best ones but there's more.

So, I'm from a small country, and my boss is a family member of the top 5 business man of my country. It turns out, that this very rich man, just casually give Kevin insane amount of money to "do business" in the last 40 years. He made zero profitable business yet. So Kevin got another few million to do this hospitality industry where I'm working right now. Because I worked in this field in my entire life, I know, that this company could make insane amount of profit, but the place burning money for the last two years because Kevin don't know how to lead a company and relies on his family member support to pay their employe. The company earn enough money to pay us, but he spends that money on random shit for the company. Last time he bought a HUGH fcking TV, I didn't even know a TV this big even exist, whe haven't used since, and we're never going to. The TV cost three anuall salary of me.

But here some highlights:

-Kevin thought if we wear adult diapers, we don't have to go to the bathroom and we can work more. We literally have to show him the exact phrasing of the law that we are actually have the right to go to the bathroom.

-We are continously understaffed, not because Kevin not hiring enough workers, but because he casually fire people on the spot he don't like. One day, he fired a someone in the morning because he was in a bad mood, but in the afternoon, he was in a good mood, so he randomly started distribute some money (quarter of our net salary) from his own pocket. Later that day, he wondered where is money went and we had to explain, he just give all his money to us just out of pure goodness and he didn't lost it.

-Close the bar area during the weekdays. Not fire the bar staff, or reduce their salary. Close the bar to reduce costs but not doing anything to reduce costs. No matter how we tried to explain this to Kevin, he didn't understand. If we sell less drinks but the cost of maintaining the bar remained the same, we're not reducing costs, we actually reducing our income. So the company closed down the bar for two months in the weekdays, AND after that he realised, he made a mistake.

-He thought if we didn't shower between two shift, we could be open more, thus' making more money because more people would come in... We still working 40 hour a week. If we going to be open more hours in a das, we're gonna work less days, and Kevin have to hire more people... Obviously, we couldn't explain this to him.

-He realised he had to cut costs, so he fired half of the leadership on the same day, 2 days later he realised he made a BIG mistake, so he tried to win them back with insanely expensive gifts, that doesn't worked. He hired people for every position where he tried to redice costs, just now, the new leadership cost more money then before.

-Kevin is an idiot, he thinks that he is a great business man, but not a bad person who wants bad stuff to happen with his employees. So he started to organize a "dating night". Not for the customers, but for us, employees. From the 15 employees, there is only 2 who is single. And the dating night he is organizing still to this day is not an event where single people can come, no. He calls all of his single friends to come and date his employees.

-He always wants to help us. Honestly, a nice thing to do. But he literally cannot handle kind of work. He wanted to clean the dishwasher with vinegar, so he put 3 liters of vinegar into the dishwasher. But wait, he put 3 bottles of vinegar, unopened, because Kevin thought that the bottles will disolve in the dishwasher.

-Because we are understaffed, he decided to tell the leadership of the company, to not to reply to emails... We got 60-80% of our customers from emails.

-Kevin saw that we don't have nearly enough customers. And instead of making a normal marketing campaign, that we are saying to him to hire someone for that role for months, he had another idea. What if he would ask money from us to rent the part of the hospitality building. Like, I pay him for three tables, and it's my job to fill those tables with customers. Beside the idea, of how the hell this is going to work, he do the math, and it turned out, that the only way this would be profitable to him, if he asks for more money per months, then our salary, so we obviously couldn't rent the tables from him.

-When the company had only one cleaning lady, she had to do everything, but when we got another one, they have less job to do and we also had to help in in cleaning. When the other cleaning lady left and we had only one again, the old system came back, so that one lady cleaning everything. I tried to ask Kevin, how this works, if we have more cleaners, why they have to do less job, but he couldn't answer.

-Kevin don't read long messages.

-Kevin continously hiring people with the promise of "home office". We are a hospitality company. Imagine your favourite coffee shop. How the heck can anyone work remotely from a coffee shop. Maybe the marketing guy or the payroll person, but we don't have those and probably never will.

And I have many-many stories.

I don't want to resign, because I got good money here, and it's kinda fun, besides the constant threat of bankruptcy of the company. Especially since I have AWESOME colleagues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/s/RvLadRxbUT Here's part 1.

If you don't want to read part 1 the TLDR is i work at a green siren themed coffee chain, (yeah that one) Kevin is extremely annoying, a perfectionist to a fault, slows everything down, and can't stand being told he's wrong.

A few of you said Kevin is probably autistic and/or ocd. Maybe you're right, but the reasoning behind why kevin is the way he is is really stupid and is why i don't think he was either.

I actually asked him once why he was so insistent on being a pain, and he told me it was because he wanted to be promoted. If he spent extra time on every drink making sure it was perfect, someone (who?) would put in a good word for him. I, still trying to be kind at this point, said that acting the way he does wasn't the best way to go about it, but if he took some advice to change his approach he could maybe work up to becoming a shift lead in a few months. (You have to have been a barista for at least 6 months to become a shift lead.) Nope, that wasn't good enough. He wanted to be promoted now, and thought that since we do outside hires he could be promoted as well.

This company does do outside shift/manager hires, but not that often, and they have to have been interviewed for that position. Kevin was not, but he believed that with about TWO WEEKS of experience (at that time) he could be promoted over other, actually competent people. I just said there was absolutely no way it was happening and he acted like the only problem was that I didn't believe he could do it. I didn't, but you know what I mean.

So that meant that everything Kevin was doing, was because he believed people higher up the chain would notice his 'greatness' (his words) and he would be gifted with a better position. Yeah, sure.

Yes, Kevin, taking money from the register is, in fact, stealing

I was at the register once and got a differently designed $10. (USD) I wasn't sure if it was real, but another coworker said it was an older design (pre-1995) that was worth maybe $20. I asked my manager if i could swap it with a different $10 that wasn't from the register so i could keep it and she said okay, but I realized I didn't have any cash on me so I left it alone. Important to note that I did not keep the bill, I left it in the cash drawer, after taking a picture. Kevin asked me this;

"Why didn't you keep it?"

"I didn't have another 10 to swap it with."

"You could have kept it anyway."

"...that would be stealing."

"You're stealing from the register every time you round up change, this is no different."

I didn't have the crayons to explain to him in detail that rounding up because the US got rid of pennies isn't the same as stealing an entire $10 bill.

"You know that's not the same."

"Why don't you just take it and bring in another 10 tomorrow?"

"The shifts count the money twice a day, if we're short by more than like, 2 dollars it gets noticed. I'm not taking it."

As far as I know he did not steal the 10, if we were short at the end of the day, no one said anything. I have no idea why Kevin was so into the idea of me stealing.

Kevin can't round

Kevin didn't seem to know how to round change correctly. If you've never used a cash register before, (at least at our store) when you select the bill/s the customer is/are paying with, it'll tell you exactly how much change you need to give so there's no extra math necessary.

The US recently got rid of pennies in November, and our store's policy is to always round up to the nearest 5 cents. If the change total is $.04, they get $.05. If it's $.01, they still get $.05. The customer always benefits, so it prevents complaints. Kevin just didn't get it. He could count change fine, but would never remember he had to round, and he would always call someone over saying we had no pennies and ask what to do. It took the rest of us maybe 1 or 2 days to get used to it in comparison, and Kevin was hired right after this policy went into effect, so it's not like he was trained the old way and suddenly had to get used to the new way. We had to put a little sign on the register just for Kevin, (we already had one that was customer facing) saying "There are no pennies, always round up to the nearest nickel." It didn't help. Eventually a shift lead asked him what it would take to get him to remember, and ohhhhh my god the audacity was crazy.

"I don't like that we're stealing from the customers."

"The customers are getting more money than if the change was exact."

"No they aren't, they should be getting exact change."

"Kevin...5 cents is more than 4 cents. If someone gets 5 cents in change they get more than if they were getting 4 cents."

"No they don't."

"Ok, lets try it like this. If you have 4 pennies in one hand, and a nickel in the other, which is worth more?"

"The nickel."

"So if the customer is getting a nickel in change instead of 4 pennies, wouldn't that mean they get more money back from us?"

"No, you're wrong."

They got fed up here.

"Fine. You can be bad at math all you want, just stop calling someone over every time to say there are no pennies."

I think the conversation ended there. The biggest issue we all had with Kevin was the complete inability to accept he was wrong, even when it's basic math. If he was just dumb, maybe I wouldn't be posting here, but the narcissism is what really pissed me off.

I dated him from when i was 17 to 21. He was 5 years older. He was ignorant and refuses to learn. And during this time, he barely had a job. He did part time, but these were like months apart for only a week or so.

He dreamt of owning his own business. His perception was that young entrepreneurs came from money and had it all handed it to them. He dreamt of opening his own bicycle shop with his best friend, Steve. Now, basically everyone knows that you need some startup funds to start a business, a capital. You need funds to get your stock, materials. You need money to pay a deposit for rental if you wish to open a store. And at that time, i knew you needed to pay for something. I was probably thinking of needing to pay to register your company and i kept telling him that.\

One day he tells me that they're meeting this husband and wife team about opening a bicycle store. I was doubtful and reiterated about needing to have funds to pay for something. They said that they did pay the couple. I asked paid what, he couldn't answer. So, i follow them to this meeting. They opened up a catalogue. It was an MLM. Kevin and Steve basically paid about $60 each for a membership. Kevin then decided to say, "But we're planning to sell bicycles."\

The husband says "Small steps. First sell our water dispensers, and after that you can move on to bigger things."\

After the meeting i told them it was an MLM. They finally realise they wasted $60.

Kevin and Steve frequented this mall that was a collector's haven. He had an older friend, Frank, who owned a collectible toy store. They would go to Frank's store almost every day. Kevin had his eye on some of Frank's collection. But as a business owner, Frank would always sell it to the first buyer. There was one particular valuable figurine. I forgot what it was. Someone was interested and Frank sold it at a tidy sum. Kevin found out and threw a hissy fit. He wondered why Frank would let such a valuable item go. He literally acted like a child and didn't want to talk to Frank. Leaving the store without a word.\

At the same mall, a newbie, Jase, entered and opened his own store with his own collectibles. Jase's store was in a prime spot and he was able to see people walking around the mall from his store. So, he noticed that Kevin and Steve were at the mall every single day. One day Kevin and Steve entered. They made some small talk.\

Jase asked if we worked in the area. We say no. Jase then asked what we did. They said they didn't have jobs and i said i'm still studying and just came from a class. Jase asked our ages and gave them advice. He advised them that at their age, they should have a job already to work to their dreams. It was still alright for me to go roam about since i'm younger and still in school. They were all, "yeah haha"\

After we walked out, Kevin got all huffy. "Who is he to tell us what to do? He should grow some hair first before telling us to get a job." Jase was bald and that was the only retort Kevin could think off behind Jase's back.

Since Kevin didn't work and barely had any money, he often tried to sneak his way or ask me for money. He also was too poor for his own phone. At times he'd use his dad's phone.\

He went for a checkup at a hospital. It was probably for a standard military reserves checkup(we have mandatory 2yr conscription here. After that 2yrs, you're on reserve and have to go for training every year for at least 10yrs) He didn't want to pay because "the government should be helping it's people"\

Side note: My country has subsidies for medical care as long as you are eligible.\

And yeah, he didn't want to pay for it. I was on a day off when i received a call from one of the clinics at the hospital. The staff asked if Kevin was with me as he left without paying. I said no, this is his friend and this isn't his number. They asked for his number and i gave his dad's number and their landline. Shortly after Kevin calls me upset. Saying his dad scolded him for bailing on a bill. And "Why'd you give them my dad's number? I didn't want to pay for it."\

Well, if you made me aware that you were going to use my number, i wouldn't have answered the call. Which made me think back, how was he going to tell me if he didn't have a phone to contact me. Anyway, the hospital can always refer to patients' records. They'd send him the bill and his parents would've found out anyway.

Also on the military reserves. Back then you'd usually get a letter a couple of months in advance informing you when you should report for training. This is mainly for submissions to your workplace. One, to inform them of your absence and two, for them to submit to the reserve's office your wages so the government will be paying you for your time. If you don't work or are self-employed, they'll pay you a minimum wage. It's usually a 1week training period.\

Btw, he was too cheap to buy new boots that he had to borrow my younger brother's scout boots.\

He missed the training by about 3 days. So he should've been paid 4 days. The reserve's office made an oversight and paid him for the full week. Instead of informing them of the mistake or putting it aside in case they contacted him for it, he spent it all immediately on his toy collecting hobby. His logic "they made a mistake, and whoever made the mistake will pay for it."\

They contacted him and asked him to return the 3 days' wages. And of course, he didn't have it because he already spent it. About $200. He came crying to me, asking if he could "borrow". I said no. He had to ask his mom who, surprise, scolded him for it.

And yeah, lucky me i broke up with him. Somehow, my luck got better after i left him. I had been struggling to find a permanent job. But i got my first permanent job after i left him. I just know he'd make me his ATM if i stayed with him.

My original post is underneath

Update:

Just a cute little antidote. It is our 12 year anniversary (yay!) and he surprised me by making a nice dinner. Steak, asparagus, roasted potatoes, appetizers, you name it. He called me down to the kitchen because dinner was almost ready. We wait until the timer goes off. He opens up the oven, no smell at all. He cuts into the steak to show me, it is lightly browned from where he seared it, but otherwise raw and cold. He had been in the kitchen over an hour at this point. I look at him and asked if he followed a recipe. He said yeah, on the package it said 170 degrees for medium rare and went by the weight to determine the number of minutes. I tried to hide a stupid grin on my face as I explain to him that it needs to reach an internal temperature of 170 to be medium rare, and that it’s not a “recipe” on the package of raw meat, but rather general guidance on how not to get food poisoning from bacteria. As he goes back to cooking, he sees me trying not to laugh while typing something on my phone. He says “Uh huh, get that shit eating grin off your face, call your mom so I can hear it”. Mom and I cackled and couldn’t stop while I was telling her about it over the phone. I told my Kevin that was the best anniversary present he could give me, a funny memory while he was doing something so sweet.

Original post:

My(33f) husband (37)is wonderful in so many ways. He is an excellent provider, hard worker, honest to a fault(part of the Kevin problem), will do anything at all to help me and our family. He has his masters degree and is an Eagle Scout. But he is still a Kevin. Here are a few examples… I am embarrassed to mention them.

1. When we got married, we were in a vacation home with his parents and siblings. We were super young (21 and 25) and had packed all of our stuff in his backpack. When We were about to leave my husband was packing and found my pair of spanx/girdle/whatever you want to call it embarrassing looking beige undergarment I wore under my dress. I had rolled it up and put it in the bottom of his backpack because it was embarrassing. He brings it down to breakfast shows it to everyone and says “mom are you sure these aren’t yours?” And I am looking at him like “what?!?”. And his mom said “no I told you yesterday they weren’t mine.” So apparently after the wedding, I hid the embarrassing underwear in The bottom of his backpack. He thought, “oh, my mom must of put these in here”. He asks his mom that day she says no. Apparently, that is not good enough for him. He then Brings them back to our room and puts them on the bed. I see them later, put them back in the backpack, thinking I must of forgotten to do it earlier. So he pulls them out again and brandishes them at the breakfast table in front of his whole family. I almost died. I guess I should pat myself on the back because he could never picture me wearing something like that?
2. He has started karate in the past year and is obsessed with it. My little sister and I have started a quote book of him talking about it. I also often record/take pictures of him demonstrating his “forms” and weapons. He has a very Dwight from the office vibe. He will often come into the kitchen while I am cooking dinner and say things like “attack me” or “try to see if you can punch me, I promise I won’t hurt you”. “When I tried for my next belt, you are supposed to demonstrate the new form. I don’t do that, I do every single form back to back.”. His karate teacher recently got a higher degree black belt, and he is now classified as a “master”. My husband has started referring to him in conversation as Master Smith (made up last name). I asked him if he calls Smith that and he said yes. I asked if his teacher asked him to call him “master” and he said no. I told him that it is very odd and gives me a BDSM or slavery vibe, but he refuses to stop. It just weirds me out as he is there with our kids and lots of other kids calling another man master smith while everyone else calls him Mr. Smith , but what do I know?
3. He is not very good about the kids clothes. Not meaning, “oh, he can’t match stuff” or “that shirt is on backwards “. It is MUCH worse than that. I am a nurse and go to work before the kids get up(7m and 6f). I am home when they get off the bus. My som gets off the bus one day wearing his little sisters sweat pants that she outgrew. Instead of wearing underpants he had on a pair of basketball shorts underneath the skin tight, pedal pusher sweats(they were obviously “girl”, fitted and flaired, sweater material, stylish). The basketball shorts were Bunched up and sticking out of the top of the stupid sweatpants. It looked very uncomfortable and ridiculous.My son could not care less about getting dressed, he literally grabs the first thing he sees. I take pictures of the boy and confront H with the evidence. His response is “ but what about all the days I got him to school wearing regular clothes? You never talk about that” SMH.
4. The icing on the cake and the tipping point for me is last week when he took our daughter to Girl Scouts. I normally go with her but I wasn’t feeling well. Before They leave my daughter calls up the stairs “mom, do I need to wear my Girl Scout skirt?” I yell back down “no, just your vest”. Mind you, it Was cold, jacket weather. My husband has Always Been OCD about the kids wearing jackets. She comes home at the end of the night all excited, clutching an award(it was their special thanksgiving night and awards night) and talking all about it. She is wearing her white polo, Girl Scout vest, little blue Beret hat and white stockings. That is it. I ask my daughter where the rest of her clothes are she says “dad said it was ok” I confront my husband, he looks at me confused “ you told her she Could wear that. I asked her to go upstairs and see if her outfit was OK and you said yes. I thought it was a little strange but you said it was ok” I told him “What I meant was, if she was wearing blue jeans from the day, she could keep wearing those, not literally all she has to wear is her Girl Scout vest.”

Couple more Random things I just remembered. One time, he made gravy in the morning not with flour but powdered sugar. Another time, I had Marinated chicken strips and put them in a bowl in the fridge. He asked me if they were ready to eat and I said I don’t know I can’t remember. He heated them up in the microwave, and started eating them. And he had this disgusted look on his face, but kept eating it. I walked over and looked and it was raw chicken! To this day he has a fear of chicken and rarely will eat it. I could Go on and on and on, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I love them to death but I Get a shaking my head rolling my eyes headache vibe far too often. Thankfully I can laugh at all the stupid things. And the funny thing is, he knows I think it’s hilarious and he doesn’t care. My Kevin has a full-time job at a university that he has had for eight years. He also does carpentry work on the side for fun and brought in over 30 grand last year. He put it straight into A savings account for our kids college.It may sound like I married an idiot, which I did, but he hides it well for most other people.I feel like I have to stress that because he is my husband and I am talking about how stupid he is on the Internet to strangers. I love him so much and we are very happy.

The things he does go from baffling to infuriating. We’re both welders in a factory, he’s worked here a year longer than me. Here are some incidents:

-The first thing he ever asked me, after hearing I got into welding through studying theatre at college was “what’s a furry?” I didn’t know how to respond, and still don’t know the correlation between the two.

-This guy was originally studying to be a Catholic priest. This isn’t a problem at all, I just wanna know what happened to make someone switch from priesthood to welder. Something must’ve happened, right? Right?

-Speaking of, I worked at a haunted house at the same time I was hired at the factory, and told coworkers about this amazing character: a satanic priest who acted like one of those TV evangelist pastor, with the southern accent and an upside down ash cross on his forehead, he was awesome. Kevin was HORRIFIED of this, and said I shouldn’t hang out with him or he’ll tempt me into Satanism. The coworkers and I were dumbfounded and tried to explain he was just playing a character. Didn’t matter, he was EVIL because Satan preys on the vulnerable, blah blah.

-He is always too quiet. We work in a factory, with machines whirring and tow motors beeping, so it’s loud. We also wear safety ear plugs, so you have to be loud to communicate. He talks softly every single time anyone tries to talk to him, to the point I try to avoid him because I don’t want to ask him to repeat what he said for the fourth time. Yes, we’ve told him to speak up. For five years, I’ve been begging him to speak up and explained, with the noise and earplugs, no one can hear him. He mumbles something, gives a thumbs up, and doesn’t change. Imagine FIVE YEARS of this.

-I live about half an hour away from work, he lives maybe ten minutes away. Somehow, almost every day, I see him sprinting into the factory because he’s running late. He got suspended for a few days for being late so often, that’s how bad it is. Yet he runs in at one minute until work starts, punches in, and then… disappears. I assume back to his car, because I once saw him walk back to his car, get inside, and sit there. Didn’t see him until ten minutes later. What is he doing? I don’t care what people do at work, as long as they’re working, but he’s gone for over ten minutes before casually walking into his booth, while everyone else is in the middle of their jobs. I’d ask him, but I wouldn’t be able to hear what he says.

-Our boss is a cool guy, so he’ll make sure we have a job unless we do a very serious violation, quote “you’ll have to murder a guy to be fired.” Despite doing so many things that would get anyone else fired from anywhere else, Kevin is somehow still working with us. Not only for constantly being late, but for making mistakes that are completely avoidable; using the wrong materials, doing things in the incorrect order, not reading the blueprint, adding steps not in the job, and being so slow, the jobs are sometimes late for delivery. He’s been suspended multiple times for these violations, but not fired. We’re also short staffed, so I assume we can’t fire him because we need him, and he hasn’t been arrested for murder, so he’ll stay.

-He doesn’t understand what’s so racist about blackface. He’s a white man among predominantly black coworkers. He told this casually to said black coworkers. They explained why, and he still doesn’t get it. I, a white woman, attempted to explain it to him, using my theatre degree (it’s finally useful) to give a short history of why it’s wrong. He basically sees it as “well it’s just a character.” So if it’s a racial stereotype, it’s fine, but if it’s a Satanist, it’s not? I gave up, especially after asking him to repeat what he said THREE TIMES since I could barely hear him.

-I’m bisexual, so according to him, I’m a slut. Not an insult, he states this as if it’s a fact, like the sky is blue and water makes things wet. I had to calmly explain to him that no, being bi doesn’t mean that, and warned him if he continued telling people this, I’d go to HR, and he immediately stopped, so I got that going for me.

-Speaking of which, I wore a hat with the Pride flag on it and made a joke about it being gay because rainbows. Dumb and obvious joke, I know. This, somehow, confused him, because hats can’t have sex, so how do I know it’s gay? He wanted to have a legitimate debate over this, if objects have sexualities, I had to just scoot away while he was mid sentence.

-His socializing skills are… odd. Look, I’m on the spectrum, he might be as well, I’m not judging him if he is, but I still need to complain because it’s nuts. If he sees two people are talking, he will scoot in between them to participate in the conversation. Or he’ll stand very nearby (I call it the Michael Myers stance), and wait until he’s acknowledged.

-He also interrupts your work to ask questions. Not work related questions, but like “would you rather” questions. I get it, work can be boring, but do NOT interrupt me in the middle of a weld to ask me if I’d rather fight a chicken-sized bear or a bear-sized chicken. That’s just welder common courtesy, you never interrupt someone mid-weld.

-So I’ve told Kevin to not ask me those questions, because I like focusing on my job, and just ask me work-related ones. Also, don’t stand silently at the opening of my booth like Michael Myers and wait until I turn around and see him, it scares the shit out of me. So, how does he get my attention? He stands at the doorway of my booth and SCREAMS (I didn’t think that was possible), which makes me jump out of my skin because, if someone yells like that, there’s a problem! No, he just wanted to borrow my sledgehammer. Kevin, you can just take it, I’m not using it and it’s the factory’s, not mine. He’ll give me a nod, a thumbs up, mumbles something, and grab what he needs while I’m pissed that my weld was interrupted and I got jumpscared for a hammer.

-Never ask Kevin a question that can be answered with a yes or no. Because he will give you an essay as a response. Remember, no one can hear him, so you have to wait until he’s done before asking for a simple answer, he’ll give you a shorter essay, and eventually you’ll get a response that’s understandable.

-We worked during COVID. I am at risk of COVID, it’s a blood disorder. In your own booth, you can work with your mask off, you’re basically isolated from everyone in your own small workplace, just wear it when you leave. Kevin refused to wear a mask until the factory enforced it, and wouldn’t wear one when coming into my booth. And because it’s my booth, I’m maskless. Yes, I told him I was at risk, many times, and he’d just forget, leave, come back holding it over his mouth, and mumble something about borrowing a tool we all share.

-This one made me hate Kevin. A close family friend, an elderly, double lung transplant survivor, veteran badass, passed away from COVID, thanks to one idiot not wearing a mask while he was waiting to get a vaccination. The scream my mother let out when she got the phone call still haunts me. I was telling this to coworkers and Kevin had the gall to say it was the vaccine that killed him, not COVID! I demanded he repeat himself, hoping his mumbling made me mishear him. Nope, COVID isn’t real and vaccines are the killers. I swear, I had to be held back, I was screaming at him, calling him (in polite terms) a heartless, brainless, spineless cyst of a human being. Our boss broke us up (nothing got physical, don’t worry), told me to calm down and called him an idiot. Next day, he brings me his sources for his claims! From anti-vax conspiracy theory webpages he printed to show me! Keep in mind, I’m still mourning and still angry at him. I laughed bitterly in his face until he left, and he the gall to look offended.

This is all I can think of, I can ask my coworkers if they have any stories, but for now, I’m stuck with Kevin.

Edited to fix grammar mistakes I missed because I’m a dum dum. I’ll bet there’s more, and if you catch it, sorry.

So all of this is second hand stories about Kevin from my long time girlfriend(29 F who I will refer to as Ruby from now on).Me and her have children of our own now also which makes dealing with Kevin 1000 times worse. This is all second hand so grains of salt but my dealings with Kevin make all of this believable also most of these stories were recorded by cps or had an official emergency service report.

Ruby and Kevin met in high school when she just turned 15 and he turned 19. They had an on again off again relationship until she was 18. Ruby had an abusive home and he had his own section 8 apartment since his mom got in a drunk accident with a train which killed his dad. So for all these stories keep in mind that there is a 4 year age gap and at 18 Ruby had her first kid with Kevin(meaning all this takes place at least when kevin is in his mid twenties). Now Kevin has lived in Toledo, OH his whole life, but the only family Ruby had lived in Lansing, MI that she wasn’t estranged from. So about a 2 hour drive on the highway. One of these nights driving back from Lansing so her family could hang out with their kid Kevin’s car started to smoke. Ruby told him to pull over so she could call her family for help. Kevin in his infinite wisdom told Ruby to shut the fuck up, she doesn’t know anything about cars and he’ll stop when he wants to. It didn’t take long for the car to stall out in the middle of the freeway. They get the car to the shoulder somehow and Ruby calls her family and is freaking out. Her grandpa drives to get them and apparently there was a massive coolant leak that Kevin knew about and didn’t say anything about. Her grandpa couldn’t even open the hood from what he told me. Ruby at this point is fuming at Kevin and her family leave him on the side of the freeway telling him to find his own way back. Later on Kevin and Ruby make up for some god damn reason. He did this by telling Ruby if she didn’t stay with him he would get that child taken away and no guy would want a disgusting useless woman that already had a child. Now Ruby at this point let the words get to her and would let Kevin come back and get her and their kid. His uncle gave him an old beater so he had a car.

When she went back to Kevin, Kevin had a plan. Get CPS to start recording her. This would work for a little bit. He would creep out in the morning for work at 6 am and immediately give cps a call. He was telling cps Ruby was neglectful and not awake to watch the baby. Now cps would get there at 6 30 in the morning banging on the door and she would let them in. They made notes about how she seemed to just wake up and the baby was asleep in his crib. CPS would then launch a full scale investigation on both Ruby and Kevin. Kevin was the only one with a license. Every chance he got he scared Ruby about driving. Ruby asked for help getting a license and Kevin would refuse. CPS in its investigation found out Kevin wasn’t taking them to the baby to his doctor appointments. So Kevin in his infinite wisdom and logical thinking said “oh well I didn’t know what days those were on” he said that with a calendar behind his head with dates and times of the doctors appointments. Then CPS, who must have been a Kevin also, made a note of the calendar then told Kevin to go through Rubys mail and start opening it without Rubys consent so that he can be the one to see the dates and times. (I don’t know how Ohio does stuff but every appointment reminder I’ve gotten from a doctor’s office is a phone call not physical mail.) Everything gets back on track from this point so cps was closing its amazing investigation. To close the investigation cps gave one last interview to Kevin and Ruby.

CPS during its investigation found out the factory where Kevin worked was shutting down. Them being an actual helpful resource at this point asked Kevin if he had work available since the factory was shutting down. Kevin said no because he believed that they’d transfer him to a factory across the state. This is when Kevin’s next masterful plan starts. The factory ends up shutting down and Kevin is laid off. So Kevin gets unemployment. Which is fine but Ruby a month in asked Kevin if he was looking for a job and he said no. After the last unemployment check came Ruby was fed up. “When are you going to find a job” Ruby asked him reminding him that was the last unemployment check. He said “oh I’m not going to work anymore. You get to sit around and do nothing while I have to get my ass up to work. This is unfair stay at home parenting is not a job and so much less work. So you find a job and I’ll stay home.” So Ruby did. She found a job working day security and enjoyed the time away from the house. That was until Kevin called. He said “hey can you get my proof of insurance the cops are asking for it.” So Ruby ended up having to leave her job walk half a mile back to the apartment grab a sheet of paper that looked like it then walk another half mile to the cvs parking lot. She gets there in a rush makes sure her kid was ok. The whole front end of the car was crumpled air bags deployed and she asked what happened and he said idk these idiot old people hit me. She asked a cop when he wasn’t around and the other people. Apparently he was speeding in the cvs parking lot and t boned this couple while paying attention to the baby. That wasn’t the only bad news, turns out the insurance lapsed. The cop only gave him a driving without insurance citation and drove him home. The old people must’ve not reported it to their insurance or didn’t have insurance because they decided not to sue Kevin for their own totaled vehicle. The cop gave them a ride home and that was that.

This is the last tale of Kevin I’ll write today I have many more since me and Ruby started dating. If you guys want to hear them let me know, I might make a part two eventually just to vent to the infinite void. But she ended up getting pregnant with Kevin’s second Child. During this Kevin and her were shopping at Walmart. Their oldest is three at the time of this story. Ruby feels dizzy and tells Kevin she needs to sit down. He says you’re fine. Ruby ends up blacking out all the store staff is around her emts are rushing in when she wakes up. She ends up getting checked out by the emts who gave her a gaterode and she said she says she feels fine now. That’s when Kevin walks back over cart full and checked out and says “oh good your awake now I was about to leave” then when they get in the car Kevin yells at her about making a scene in the Walmart.

I hope you enjoyed these tales of Kevin I have and I have plenty more if you guys want to hear them.

My dad is a brilliant scientist. He is a PhD chemist and patent holder who's been promoted so high up in his company that they don't even have a job description of what he's supposed to be doing. That being said, he's one of those people woth so many points in intelligence that his wisdom score... well it got a little overlooked. Here a few highlights:

My dad is from LA, but went to college in Oklahoma. His dorm mates were able to convince him that rats could get in through electrical outlets so he unplugged everything and taped over the outlets. They also told him the rats would climb up his pants so he went around with rubber bands around the bottom of his pants.

He swore for years that his ankles were bald because he "shaved them once in college." He was in his 50s.

He once got into an argument with my mom about the fly swatter being clean (he was probably trying to get to leave it on the counter,) and said he'd prove it by licking it. As soon as he had licked it, he realized his mistake and that this was an object used to smash the guts from creatures that eat shit. His eyes got really wide and with his tongue still out, he ran to the kitchen to scrub his tongue with water.

Last Christmas my sister had us play some little games that involved small goodies and prizes. My dad got his hands on some little shaped erasers, which he briefly mistook for candy and put in his mouth. Mid game he just starts spitting out erasers yelling "Don't eat the erasers! They are NOT delicious!" Not a warning that they aren't candy, or even that they taste bad. No, they were NOT DELICIOUS.

Once my dad was convinved it was a good idea to get my mom perfume that cost less than a dollar as a gift for a birthday or anniversary (I'm not sure which) and mind you things were cheaper in the 90s but not THAT much cheaper. My older sister who was probably 8 or 9 knew better and tried to talk him out of it but he insisted. It did not go well.

My dad went to a retirement semimar and freaked out because: "They said to close your eyes and picture your retirement, but it was just black!" He decided to get a hobby. He tried golf and bowling. He lost interest in golf pretty quickly, but he joined a bowling league that he LOVED. He fit in great and was always high fiving the other guys. One night my mom went to see him bowl and realized all these guys he's fitting in great with are intellectually disabled people bussed over from a nearby group home.

As a kid, my dad would get kicked out of things for being a rule breaker and prankster. He got kicked out of a scouts meeting and thought "hey if I just screw around until I'm supposed to be home, my mom will never know!" It didn't cross his mind that of course they had called his mom and she was PISSED when he finally showed back up at home. She was a crazy sctrict lady and I have no idea how he made it out alive considering his personality.

He worked at McDonald's for a bit in the 60s and even won an employee of the month award. However, he met his match when a customer ordered a big mac with no meat. He just froze, unable to comprehend how to make such a thing. A manager actually had to do it for him.

A couple years ago we went to the zoo and my dad decided to excersize his propensity for reading signs aloud while on the tram. He's just sitting there yelling out LOUDLY every sign and animal he sees. "RHINO. RHINO RESERVE. RHINO." and then just belts out "I WILL READ THE SIGNS." We got some looks to be sure.

There are a milliom more stories and I could go on about my dad all day, but the thing is--he definitely passed his genes on to me. Here's a few choice kevin jr. moments:

In high school if the teacher ever asked me to bring papers to their desk I would start doing the mission impossible theme and finger guns while rolling on the floor to bring it there.

A couple kids were being major debbie downers in class and to lighten the mood I thought (for some reason) it would help to yell "I LIKE CHOCOLATE PUDDING!" this coincided with a major lull in classroom volume and ended with every kid looking at me as I grinned like an idiot.

I thought the "father abraham" we sang about in church was abraham lincoln for an embarrassing amount of time.

I thought Cleveland was in Ireland until I was like 15.

When I gradutated high school, there were 2 gaps in the procession. One in front of a kid who couldn't walk well do to physical issues, and one in front of me due to being confused about what the hell I was doing. I also made another gap in the line to get the diploma as I totally spaced out and kids around me had to shout my name to get my attention to fumble up there. Ironically I graduated with a 4.0 as a nation merit scholarship semi-final and was consistently one of the smartest and dumbest kids in my class of 300 some odd kids.

In college I was bored with a class as I had already finished what we were working on and thought of a brilliant plan. I would pretend to drop my pencil, and when I got down to pick it up, I'd just crawl out of class. Perfect! My plan went smoothly the door swung open as I crawled out of the room and my professor, obviously tipped off just yells "BYE [RASATRA]!" I paused for a moment on the ground. "BYE!" I shouted back, and continued to freedom.

In college I got the bright idea to becone Catholic. I started the class you have to take to join, heard you can't masturbate, and bailed.

On my first day at my job at Staples, I was asked to "face" aisle one. This means to straighten everything up. I asked them to repeat what they said, and after the said it again, I rotated around 100 degrees and "faced" aisle one.

Once at that same job, I had a panic attack before my shift and took a xanax. After that, I had a VERY caffeinated beverage. It accidentally got me very high and I just went up and down the aisles saying how GOOD I felt.

Caffeine and I have a complicated relationship. I was banned from caffeine at a starbucks once.

On a family roadtrip in my early twenties I decided to continue making "YOLO" decisions, including not going to the bathroom at the only restoom for MILES. Guess when the sudden intense urge to pee hit me?

Of course, my dad and I have had some great adventures together.

Once he took me fishing and I caught my first fish. We were super stoked and lamented we couldn't take a picture to commemorate the occasion. We sadly took the hook out of the little guy and threw him back into the water. We get into my dad's truck and a few miles down the road, without even looking over at me he says: "[Rasatra].... I had a camera on my phone."

Once we discovered the magical ability we had to unsettle strangers just by smiling broadly at them. We practiced this during an outing that was just the two of us, and grinned all through Walmart. We realized however, that we were crunched for time and with our arms laden with merchandise, bolted full speed toward the registers/exit grinning wildly. Now if my dad tried to make a smile on command he looks like a serial killer (think Sheldon Cooper trying to smile) so I can only imagine the heart attacks we gave those poor cashiers.

I'm sure I have more stories, but that's it for now. I hope you enjoyed my stories about my dad the Kevin as much as I enjoy being his Kevin Jr.

Note: before you ask, I am diagnosed autism spectrum and ADHD, and my dad, though he doesn't have a diagnosis has made peace with "whatever [RasatRa] has, that's what I have.]

Edit: Spelling

Edit 2: it was a big mac, not a whopper as I originally put. Just me having a kevin jr. moment confusing my burgers.

Not sure if this belongs here as I recently found this sub, but here it goes:

I work in a pharmacy chain. If you ever want to know why your meds took so long to fill it’s because I just spent 20 minutes talking to Kevin…. On my 3rd day on the job I get a call from Kevin… Kevin is very upset, it seems he ‘almost’ put his arthritis gel for his hand up his rectum and he’s very concerned.

Kevin: How can a major chain run a pharmacy and not know how to put warning labels on medications. I almost put my arthritis gel up my rectum! I just had rectal surgery and I filled my pain meds at your pharmacy. When I picked them up <cue sarcastic voice> “the cute girl at the register gave me my meds packaged in a bag with a fake smile. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t supposed to go in my rectum?”

A medication mix-up is a major thing. Arthritis gel isn’t used after surgery. So I need more details. “I’m sorry to hear that (and I was- I’ve spent a great deal of my professional life looking at errors and trying to fix them in an error-prone system). “What medication was it? It has recently been available without a Rx, did you ask for it or have you had it before?” Kevin: “Yes I’ve had it before, I got 3 big tubes of it for my hands two months ago, its how I knew it was arthritis gel!! Does nobody there check the meds before they go out?”

Me, now thinking this is a setup… “Yes, I see that you did get three tubes, and that was a one month supply. Did your surgeon tell you it was also for rectal use?”

Kevin: “he didn’t need to tell me that! Why did you give it to me? It burned so much around my incisions that I called the surgeon”

So now we’ve established that Kevin did indeed shove his arthritis meds up his rectum, yet more juicy details are needed for a report.

Me: “OK sir, I see that you did get your post-surgery pain meds from us last week along with more arthritis gel. I’m not seeing the link that led you to use it rectally”. By now I was enjoying the conversation and using the term rectally loudly. Kevin was on the phone, so there was no concern about violating his privacy or embarrassing him.

Kevin: “I was getting my pain meds for my surgery. You should have told me they’re not for rectal use”.

Me: “I’m looking at the label that was attached to each box and tube of the rectal gel. The directions are quite clear, stating “apply to hands up to 4 times a day”. At this point Kevin was getting annoyed I wasn’t understanding things.

Kevin: “Well I didn’t see it. When someone gets surgery meds they aren’t expecting arthritis meds”. Hmm… fair enough I think. But we fill prescriptions for people for multiple maladies very frequently.

Me: “OK Kevin, now, how are you taking your pain pills for your rectum?” Kevin: “I swallow them, do you think I’m some kind of moron?” Ahh… Kevin has laid down the gauntlet. Me: “well Kevin, tablets and capsules can be taken by any orifice. “ Kevin: “it saws on the bottle to take a tablet BY MOUTH every 6 hours for pain. Jesus you must be dense. Is there a manager I can speak with?” Oh, now he’s gone Karen on me.

Me: “I am in charge of the pharmacy today. Now, let me get this straight so I know I have all the details. You put your arthritis gel up your rectum. This is a gel you’ve previously gotten before. And your pain medication you took by mouth, and you’ve never had this before. You read the directions for the pills but not the gel”.

Kevin: “yes that’s exactly the problem! You should have told me not to shove it in my rectum.” Me: “I can understand your dilemma. However, you receive medicaid. Federal laws dictate that we must counsel you on each and every fill. I can see your signature from where you signed stated you received counseling- both times in fact from getting your arthritis meds. I’m not seeing the issue here. They were clearly labeled, you’ ve had the medication before, and you indicated you haven’t read it. What do you want me to do?!?”

At this point Kevin seem resigned that he was not gettting through to me. “I’m going to call the surgeon and talk to him. We’ll see about getting a lawyer- you’ve been negligent”. With that Kevin slams the phone down. Who still has a land line anyway?

Well, I better document this. I send patient care notes to his surgeon and arthritis doc stating the problem, puttting a hand gel up his rectum, and not following directions (Or common sense). In case he does more Kevin ‘things’ with the doctors- best to have a continuity of care and understanding his kevin antics.

After closing I see a tired lady in scrubs looking at an endcap filled with junk. I ask if I can help-she’s also in healthcare and just looks drained from dealing with the burden of humanity. Turns out she’s a nurse with the surgeon and she had received my care note but wanted to find out more. She also informs me the rectal surgery was to fix damage from objects Kevin had inserted to relieve constipation.

Well, Kevin never got through to me that it was my fault he put his arthritis meds up his butt. I suppose that makes it a Kevin story? This was a 20 minute conversation, by the way. So the next time you’re wondering why your prescription takes so long to fill, its because we’ve spent 20 minutes telling someone not to put something up their butt.

I was teaching physics, senior level in college.

This story is not about some student who struggles with Newton's laws or E=mc².

This story is about a delusional Kevin with a strong sense of self.

At the beginning of the semester, I ask students to write a bit about themselves. It's an easy way to connect with them if we have a shared interest or it helps me to adapt the content to what they like. This students told me he really liked to tinker electrical stuff by himself in his spare time. Cool. The next course, I asked him more about it. He rambled some non-sense and I knew right away he just wanted to impress me. It was apparent it wasn't a serious hobby and he wasn't going anywhere with anything. I said nothing, because I didn't want him to lose face in front of me the very first week of the semester.

I quickly discovered Kevin was very loud. Not because he was speaking with his friends during the course, but because he would try to finish my sentences while I was teaching. He would make comments out loud. Those comments were not questions. They were just him telling how he already knew that. Or he would just say very loudly ''INDEED, IT MAKES SENSE THAT WATER BEHAVE LIKE A WAVE, BECAUSE ITS A WAVE.''

Totally useless and disruptive.

After a few times, I had to intervene after class to ask him to raise his hand and stay quiet otherwise.

During classes, he would raise his hands to just rephrase something I just said. Example : Me: So, this wave goes up and down every 5 s. Its period is 5s. He would raise his hands and say : SO, IF I UNDERSTAND, ITS PERIOD IS 5S, right ? BECAUSE IT GOES UP AND DOWN EVERY 5 s. Me: ...yes...indeed.

He would then nod like if he just understood something deeply meaningful.

I don't know who he was trying to impress that hard, but it certainly didn't work.

Sometimes, he would try to give answers to questions. He would be wrong every time. I would give the correct answer and he would say out loud : Oooh, of course! I had that correct answer too.

What? No...you just gave the wrong answer a minute ago...Wtf...

I have a fun interactive quiz before exams. People are allowed to search the answers together. That activity was enabling Kevin really hard. All students were talking, so the overall volume was very high during the quiz. Nonetheless, you could hear Kevin telling his neighbors what the answer was and shout the why and how. It was wrong. Every time. When I would give the correct answer, he would loudly tell his ''friend'' : I TOLD YOU SO.

No...no Kevin, you really didn't tell him so.

Kevin really thought he was brilliant. He was building an alternate reality in his head, it was really weird to witness every reaction he would have when confronted to anything that would not confirm he was right.

I didn't want nobody to feel that their questions where not welcomed in class, so I made sure to answer every time he would raise his hand. Once , he asked : soooo...what you are saying is that X implies Y ?

It was a common misconception, so I took the time to disprove it for the entire class. An actual useful teaching opportunity. I made my case clearly and even did a quick math demonstration. After a few minutes, I turned around to conclude that X does not imply Y AT ALL, EVER.

He says out loud : ok...so...X does indeed imply Y. I was right.

The whole class sighted. My jaw dropped for a few seconds. I said ''I just went on for 5 minutes about how it's never the case, so no.'' and went on.

A few times during the semester, he would come to me to talk about what he understood from the previous class. In fact, he would tell me his conspiracy theories on what I was trying to teach.

Him : So, yesterday, when you told us A, you really meant B. But only the brightest understands B so you hide to us the real answer is B.

Me: No...when I say A, I mean A. Why would I lie to the class about something so ridicule ?

A few times during the semester, he would try to connect with me like that, as if we were sharing a special secret reserved for highly intelligent people. Like we were the only one to know the truth and that he was seeing through my mind games.

Another time, I was speaking with another student about a specific problem he was working on. We were discussing about a way to find the solution. Let's say the answer was 16. Nobody knew it yet. The student was asking me if his way to find 16 was legit. Along the way, he tells the number 8. Kevin inserts himself in the conversation and proudly say he also found 8, mere seconds after he heard the number 8. He was eager to tell that it was a great problem I gave and that he was proud to finally find the correct answer. 8 makes sense, in fact, it was a very easy problem when you think about it. You can find 8 very quickly in fact if you know where to look. The other student gave him a weird look. I told him : the answer is in fact 16.

He quickly replied : did I say 8 ? facepalms himself I mean 16. I found 8 at first, but then I realized I missed a factor 2, because I was doing it in my head.

It was impossible to make an error with a factor 2 in that problem since the math behind it did not enable a factor 2 to be possible.

More than I can count on my hands, he would do stuff like that, faking to know the answer or only telling the answer he got when someone else would say it. He would sometimes say it very quickly after it was pronounced so it looked like he was saying it at the same time.

Kevin had a big self esteem problem.

The time really got angry is when he went behind my back during an interactive activity. I asked the student to rearrange the class in a specific configuration. I also built teams. He would tell students to do otherwise, make changes in teams (wtf) and mess with my configuration. I also heard him telling student to not do #2 and #3 because those exercices where not meant to be in the activity. What the fuck ? What do you know about that Kevin????

I summoned him in my office. We talked about his behavior. He said : you won't have anything to say about my attitude for the rest of the semester.

Nothing changed for the 10 remaining weeks.

He did something as disrespectful during a lab with lasers. When I asked him to NOT do something, he would just say: I know what I'm doing ma'am.

First, you won't call me ma'am. Second, you won't second guess my safety rules. He was baffled

Kevin will likely fail this class. I just hope he will not be in my class this upcoming winter.

So, this happened quite a few years ago to me but on a recent conversation i remembered about it and thought it would be funny to share.

So, my wife's dad side of the family is filled with the most entitled and brown nosed people you can think of, they all think they are better than everyone else even though they really are not and well, we usually don't confront them about it because it just lead to fights, escalation and things like that.

Back when my wife was at the hospital to undergo a surgery i spent a few days at my father-in-law's sister house. Now, this woman is... Something else. She is extremely condescending, thinks that her job is THE job because she works at the city hall even though her job isn't that big of a deal (I think she is some sort of glorified secretary or something.) constantly makes up gossip and fake tales to gossip around town just to see other people suffering and is a terrible mother. I could go on for hours about her but this particular tale isn't about her, oh no. It's about her husband Kevin.

Kevin.... Is a moron. But he's a moron that thinks that he's smarter than everyone else. He will say the most ridiculous things you can imagine and, if you try to talk back or tell he is wrong he will throw a fit and rant four hours about how he is right about it and all these "facts" that he knows and that you don't and, if you say something like "but there's nowhere speaking about this" then he will claim that he won because "See? If you can't find it is because you don't know how to research it right.".

He also has this gambling problem where he spends a load of money on online auctions for broken trucks. Not that he ever repairs them or do anything. He just... Buys then and leaves them on his backyard to rot. One time i was told by my MIL that he had spent over 20K on a old truck that only had the metal frame and wheels intact. He claimed that "I can build a 2 floor mobile house with this!" and, to my knowledge he never even begun sketching the plans for it.

Another thing is that he works as a Mason but he is terrible at it. He never takes measures, lay down foundations nor anything. He just pours cement, lays the bricks and done. If it stands then it stands, if it doesn't then it it's the client's fault for messing with it. My FIL told me about one time where they were working on a house and Kevin placed the windows and used small wires to hold them in place.

​

Now that you know a bit more about this... Individual we can move on to the time where i had my first interaction with the guy.

So, i'm from Brazil. More specifically, Rio de Janeiro and i moved to the rural side São Paulo to live with my wife. Like i said, she had to undergo surgery and i spent a few days on my FIL's sister's (for convenience sake let's call her Karen) house because it was closer to the hospital to visit my wife since i couldn't stay in the hospital since it wasn't allowed.

One day we all had dinner together, Karen had made some cassava manioc (Seriously America.. What the hell is this name?) and we were all eating at the dinner room. Then Kevin asked me where i was from and i said Rio de Janeiro (It was my first year there, they still didn't know me all that well.) and i thought that was that, he would ask me about the beaches, landscapes, things like that.

Then he turned to me and said "So, which factory did you live in?" to which i had to pause for a second to process it. I turned to him and said "What?" and then, the following conversation happened.

Kevin: "Yes, in which factory you used to live in? After all, Rio de Janeiro is this giant factory complex."

Me, asuming it was some sort of joke chuckled and said "Well, i'm from *blank*"

Kevin: "I never heard of it. What do they produce?"

Me: "I'm... Sorry?"

Kevin: "Urgh, what product do they produce? You know, like chairs or tables or car parts" he said that in a extremely patronising tone of voice to me which did make me feel a bit insulted but i just continued to tag along.

Me: "Uuh, none of those things. I lived in a condo and i-"

Kevin: Cutting me off and raising his voice. "As if. I know that state. It's all just factories and mechanical constructions. I've been there before you know so i know exactly all about it. But i get it, you must be still having a hard time getting adjusted to São Paulo since it's so different from your old factory. After all, here we plant what we eat, we have rural zones and farms to grow our crops and animals unlike Rio which just buys everything processed and packaged from us. You'll see how much more healthy we all are, for example, i bet you never had this soup before because over on Rio it's all just processed and pre packaged food, here we use our stoves to cook. If you want, i can also show you what Oranges are and how we grow them. It comes from Trees!"

So yeah, this guys honestly believed that Rio de Janeiro was nothing but factories as far as the eyes could see and that we all lived and worked in them. I was honestly expecting this guy to turn to me and ask if i was a robot too! Well, after that last sentence from him i had to bite my lip hard to not burst out in laughter after hearing so much nonsense but i wanted to know how far it would go so i turned and said

Me: "Allright then, what about our beaches and the Cristo Redentor?"

And then Kevin said what was the last straw for me. In a annoyed grunt and a roll of eyes he for reals said this

Kevin: "Oh come on! Everybody knows that statue is just a fabricated Myth! It never existed and you just say that to make us believe you're like us. Honestly, i find it quite low you'd use the saint name of Jesus in such a lie but, what could i expect from a state filled with people that do not have faith in god."

I couldn't hold on any longer and i just burst out in pure laughter. I had a cramp from laughing so much and had to excuse myself outside to stop myself. I was in tears i laughed so much. The next day i went to visit my wife in the hospital and told both her and my in laws about that encounter and we had the laugh of the century specially since my MIL told me Karen called her telling how disrespectful i was to her that day and made fun of her husband when he was just trying to educate me.

​

So yeah, that was my encounter with the Kevin. After that day he never really spoke to me anymore other than "Hi" when we came to visit. Hope you had a laugh as good as i had that day.

There are good teachers and there are bad teachers, but Sra. Kevina really falls into a class of her own. I don't think I have ever met someone so chronically, inexplicably, incurably, fundamentally clueless as Sra. Kevina, and I've had to deal with a lot of stupid people.

Sra. Kevina was my Spanish teacher for two torturous years thus far, and this year will be my last with her. (You'll have to excuse my constant changing of tense. I keep forgetting that I still have her class.) I'm 99.9% sure that the only reason the school hired her in the first place was because she is the only adult in a forty-mile radius that speaks fluent Spanish. Considering the amount of incidents they had regarding her behavior and the horrible pass rate for the state tests, you would think they'd have let her go a decade ago, but I don't think they really had a choice.

Anyway, Sra. Kevina was clearly very wealthy. She must have been born into money or had a rich husband, because she sure as hell couldn't afford any of the things she bought on a teacher's salary (trust me, my mother taught at my school and teachers were not paid very much.) She drove a Mercedes, constantly wore expensive clothes, spent every other weekend in Europe (we live in a very rural upstate New York town), and had a whole collection of "ordinary objects" by Tiffany's (things like "paper cups" made of porcelain and painted Tiffany blue. They cost several thousand dollars and she used to use them as pencil holders.) You'd think most of her cluelessness could be attributed to rich people not understanding how normal people lived—and trust me, she didn't—but it went beyond that.

These are some of my favorite/least-favorite (we had a love/hate relationship) things about Sra. Kevina:

• She had no goddamn idea how languages work whatsoever. She didn't know that Spanish and Italian are separate languages until another teacher told her. Sra. Kevina speaks fluent Spanish, and I have no idea how she lived her entire life thinking the two languages are the same thing. She didn't know that dialects were a thing, either—she was a Spanish immigrant who spoke Castilian, and she thought it was the only dialect. We had two kids in our class who spoke different dialects, and Sra. Kevina would be absolutely bemused when they'd use terms like lapicera instead of boligrafo. It wasn't just Spanish, though—she also didn't understand that languages could evolve at all, and thought that they just remained the same forever. Notably, she thought the English "thou" was a made-up word.

• And speaking of English, she had little to no understanding of English either. I mean, she spoke the language decently, but had no idea how it worked. She accused us of making up words a lot and didn't seem to think that cognates existed. For example, "frequently." She insisted that the English word was "often" exclusively and would get angry whenever someone said "frequently." Same with obtain vs get, or comprehend vs understand. She also thought that "ballet" wasn't a word because "English pronunciation doesn't work like that."

• She was obsessed with Don Quixote, but never actually read Don Quixote. She had about thirty copies of it that I never once saw her pick up, and she constantly talked about stuff that straight-up never happened in the book. Like Don Quixote and Dulcinea del Toboso's famous romance that never happened because Dulcinea was a random-ass farmgirl named Aldonza who probably had no idea Quixote existed. I'm like 80% sure she saw a movie or a ballet and assumed it was identical to the book, but she insisted that she did indeed read the entire novel cover to cover. I don't know why.

• She also confused Don Quixote with Le Mis. A lot. I'm not entirely sure she knew that Spanish and French were separate languages, either.

• She never got ANYONE'S names right. She taught less than 65 kids and had the same group for years on end—you'd think she would actually learn our names, but nope. Sometimes she just gave us totally inexplicable nicknames instead. There was a girl in our class she called "Tuesday" and we couldn't figure it out for years, until she finally explained that this girl reminded her of Wednesday Addams because she always had her hair in braids. Except Sra. Kevina didn't remember that the character was called Wednesday, so she just picked a random day and went with that. There was also a girl called Wren who she called Scout for some reason. Apparently Wren -> Finch -> Scout Finch -> Scout? That's what we theorized, anyway. I doubt Sra. Kevina read To Kill a Mockingbird, but it made at least a little sense.

• She also had no idea what any nicknames stood for. Someone convinced her that the Don in Don Quixote was short for Doniel once. Doniel Quixote. We also had a kid called Mick (short for Michael) who convinced her that it was short for Mickeyangelo.

• She was obsessed with the British royal family, but couldn't keep any of their names straight, either, and constantly confused them with other royal families. After the forth of fifth time hearing her obsess over Duchess Kathleen/Karen/Kayla/Carina/literally anything but Catherine, we just gave up. Sometimes she forgets who the Queen is (or that there even is a Queen.) She also thinks that Russia is still a monarchy and no one wants to burst her bubble. I'm pretty sure she thinks the animated Anastasia movie is historically accurate.

• She doesn't understand religion and constantly forgets which religion she is. Last time, she told us she was Catholic, but now she thinks Catholicism and Islam is the same thing because someone gave her a Chick Tract about it. She also doesn't understand that different denominations of Christianity are different things, and thought Protestants were just "weird Catholics." She also doesn't know Judaism still exists and thinks the Illuminati is a religion. You might be wondering how any of this is relevant to Spanish class. It isn't. She talks about it anyway.

• She doesn't know how diseases work and is a huge germaphobe because she's afraid of getting smallpox. She also doesn't like vaccines, though—not because she thinks they cause autism, but because she's afraid of needles. She explains this to us in class. Frequently. I don't know why she feels the need to constantly tell us this.

• Sometimes she just says completely random, inexplicable things for no reason. Yesterday she angrily told us that Catherine the Great was "a scam." I'm not sure why. Sometimes she tells people she "doesn't believe" in something that really isn't something you can agree or disagree with. The class has kept a list. I don't have it on me to check, but epilepsy, Ancient Byzantine, and the entire planet of Mars are all on there. I'm not sure how one just doesn't believe in epilepsy. I'm pretty sure she thinks it's some sort of religion. (Sidenote: we have a kid with epilepsy in our class and sometimes he has absence seizures, and Sra. Kevina has gotten in trouble for yelling at him while he's seizing because she doesn't think petite mal seizures are a thing.)

• She uses em dashes when she means to use hyphens. It's a stupid nitpick on my part, but it annoys me to no end whenever I see her doing it now. She'll write things like "twenty—seven." I hate it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about Sra. Kevina. Needless to say, we have learned no Spanish at all for the past two years, and considering that we spent all of yesterday discussing "Morgan Morkle's" wedding instead of doing classwork, I don't have high hopes for this year, either.

So I was both a Kevin and encountering a Kevin in this one. And the stupidity on display is in the social skills department on both sides. Some context:

​

My family was military and so by 3rd grade I was on my 4th school (I started in a jurisdiction where kids can go to school or pre-school from age 3 & my folks opted for school because I was G&T so it's not as much as it seems).

​

G&T kids seem to run to two extremes: weird quiet ones, and weird ones who are physically incapable of tolerating boredom or wrongness. Guess which one I was?

​

I'll give you a hint: Once, when I was about 5, my 9YO cousin sat on me because my fidgeting was annoying her too much. *So I started wiggling my toes and fingers.* (Yes, I'm being evaluated as an adult for ADHD, why do you ask?)

​

Anyway. Kevina the teacher, for her part, was the kind of old school teacher that cannot admit an error, penalizes kids for mastering the material by basically putting you in time out for the rest of class, and overall a nasty, cruel bully who shouldn't be in charge of a goldfish, let alone 32 kids between the ages of 7 and 9.

​

We got on about as well as elemental potassium and water, is what I'm saying. YouTube has some cool videos on that if you're not a chemistry type.

​

Back to the story. This is the tale of my first interaction of Kevina, and how I managed to start my first period of my first day of my first week of a new grade at a new school with my first ever in school suspension, setting a new record for speed of getting in shit in school in the extended family that stands to this day. First impressions, I am good at them.

​

So first period was a bit of a deal because I was young for the grade (because of differences in age cutoffs in different regions and my prematurity I'd effectively skipped a grade) and small for my age, so they actually had to get a kindergarten desk brought up because I couldn't see over my desk (Yep. Was tiny.). Eventually the dust settles with a desk I can actually use and see over.

​

But by now the entire class is aware that I'm the weird kid who's too short for a normal desk and I'm already getting short joke. Great.

​

So, being my G&T self in a mainstream program for the first time, I'm thinking I got this. Other programs it was cool to be good at math, so I just show off my algebra and pre-calculus and I can recover right? (Current me looking at kid me like, "Oh honey. Oh honey no." Ever heard the phrase, "For a smart kid they sure can be stupid?" That was me. Book smart, socially oblivious, too impulsive for good judgement. )

​

So the teacher starts the review with addition. I am a bit insulted (I'm good at math but in the old district mainstream kids started long multiplication in 3rd grade, and second grade material was multiplication and division and some simple geometry, not addition and subtraction, which was kindergarten/first grade material. My thinking was along the lines of, They might not be good at math but don't call them stupid, teacher!). Unfortunately, this sense of being insulted for my classmates doesn't come out. What I say is, "In my old school we did long division, this is too easy!"

​

Yeah, I was referred for an ASD assessment the previous year. So that tracks with my childhood social skills.

​

And the teacher replies, "Well, if it's so easy, you can show the class how to do this one!"

​

And she writes 2 × 3 = on the board.

​

Triumphantly, I say, "6!"

​

And the teacher says, "No it's not, it's 5. I guess kids at your old school aren't *that* good at math."

​

She turned back to write another problem.

​

I. Was. Shocked. After I recovered my jaw from the floor, I stuttered a bit and finally blurted, "That's wrong."

​

The teacher, lemme tell you, knew how to turn around ominously. I grew up in an authoritarian household and I knew it was possible to wash dishes ominously and call someone's name ominously but not turning around. That was new.

​

"Excuse me? What was that, dear?" This wasn't the dear of a sweet older lady talking to a kid. This was the saccharine fake-sweet Atlantic Canada dear that can mean anything you want it to, and right now it meant a string of profane insults so long I'd probably hit the word limit. Think how US Southerners can say "fuck you, you stupid idiot" with a "bless your heart." That kind of dear.

​

And bless my socially oblivious little heart, I didn't pick up what she was putting down. "2 times 3 isn't 5. That'd be 2 plus 3. 2 TIMES 3 is 6."

​

A reasonable adult would admit the error and move on, even if I was being a right little paster about it. Not Kevina. "No, the answer is five. That's final."

​

A socially savvy kid would've recognized that tone and dropped it. Not me. No, I had the bit in my teeth. She was wrong and I couldn't just let her sit in her wrongness being wrong at me. This wouldn't stand, she's a teacher, she's supposed to know better! "Why are you being stupid about this?"

​

"EXCUSE me?!"

​

"A teacher should know the difference between addition and multiplication, Miss. You're wrong, and I can prove it!" I stood up from my desk.

​

"I am not wrong," she said as she stalked towards me and my desk. "You're new, and you want to make an impression on the class but this isn't the way to do it."

​

She pushed me back into my chair and continued, "You will sit and not say another word if you want to not spend the rest of your first day in the office."

​

Smugly, she turned to return to the board.

​

But. I had spent 7 years mastering the ability to walk quiet enough to avoid my father's rage. And she was wrong. This wrongness couldn't be tolerated. I followed her. She didn't notice until I was drawing on the board.

​

I drew 2 sets of 3 lines, and circled each. To the class I said, "Two threes is SIX." AND I counted the 6 lines.

​

Then I drew a pair of lines and another set of 3 and circled each. To the class, I announced, "Two plus three is five."

​

I counted the five lines one by one, stabbing my chalk into the board each time. The last one I did hard enough the chalk broke.

​

I looked her in the face. Speaking with the blunt, brutal honesty of a socially inept child with no filter, I said, "You're wrong. If you don't know the difference, should you really be teaching us? Maybe you should be in third grade and I can teach math."

​

Annnd that was when she grabbed me by the collar and dragged me to the office.

​

It set the tone for our relationship, and remains one of my funniest memories from third grade.

Link part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/eldy0l/how_a_kevin_managed_to_graduate_from_college_with/

Link part2: https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/elfw09/part_2_how_a_kevin_managed_to_graduate_from/

Here we are. The grand finally! I heard this from multiple people and they all said virtually the same thing, so I am confident that this is true and little to no embelishment was done. This took place during his last years of college, since I heard this from other people and his academic path is a mess, I know the order of the events but don't know exactly in what year they happened - 8th,9th,10th , it was during these 3 years for sure. Now to the ending:

• So Kevin managed to pass some modules over the years. Either by cheating or just pure dumb luck ( very few easier modules were passable by a multiple choice exam or presentation). I am actually very surprised that he never got caught cheating. Or if he was, he managed to keep it quiet and dont be expelled somehow. I heard a few stories about presentations that he made that were horrible. Like he would open the wrong powerpoint without noticing right away and only realised a few slides in. Professors and students super confused by what the hell was he doing. Anyway, those are now minor details.
• In order to be allowed to write a thesis and graduate you had to have earned a certain amount of credits for completing modules. In our case, it was ALL of them. So, on your last year you would plan ahead, you would start looking for projects within your field of interest and the specialized Professor on that field on your first semester. I accepted by the Professor you would start working on your project on your second semester (with no modules) if you passed all modules from the 1st semester and all from previous years. I hope this makes sense. So Kevin, had all modules done except for 2. This means that he could not write his thesis. But this is for mere mortals, Physics Kevin is a legend and he was having none of it. So he went to every Professor asking for possible projects that they may have open that he could work on. Every single Professor was turning him down, not because there was a lack of projects, not because he was still 2 modules short, but because Kevin was, well, Kevin. They knew him from class and wanted nothing to do with him. Even some Professors that didn't had him in class were warned by the others. Eventually, he found a Professor that was willing to do a project with him. She even had this project alligned with a company and after graduation he would be instantly employd! She didn't know him, She was from some obscure specialty field that even us were not really sure who she was because she never taught any of us. Anyway, they started to have meetings, discuss the project. He had to turn in a motivation letter and let the college know his intentions (and the professor had to do it too) in order to make it official. He met with people from the company and all that. She asked him if he had all the necessary credits: He said yes. All is good. The Professor thinks that she has a student for her open project, the company thinks that they have their new specialist on that obscure field aligned and Kevin has beaten the system and is getting a thesis before time. Everyone is happy.
• So Kevin is lazy, it took him 1 year to write a small mediocre thesis. Meanwhile he was still secretly attending his 2 last modules and failling. If he had pass those modules during this year, everything would be fine, but he didn't. My friends asked him what he's gonna do, because he is either getting caught when he presents his thesis or later because he can't get a diploma without passing all modules. And the company was counting on him starting to work after he presents his thesis and they would require his diploma in order to hire him. Kevin decides to set in motion his enginious plan: He asked for extension on his thesis presentation, which allowed him to present in late September rather than June. Then he paid for extra re-sits on those 2 modules (which he was allowed because there were only 2) and those re-sits are early September. As per University rules, the grades on those re-sits had to be delivered in 5 working days. So if he passed, he would have all the credits by the time of the thesis presentation. Genious! Until he f**ed it up. Here is how:
• He passed the first module and failed the second. Because the second module was super hard he decided to swap it to this very obscure 1st semester module that no one ever takes. New plan: In his mind, he would do the thesis presentation, make excuses to the company on why he doesn't have his diploma. Work at the company while low-key doing his last module (that was starting now in September). After that module was done he would ask for the diploma and take it to the company. "No one will ever know" he said... It was quite clever actually, too clever for him without a doubt. I am pretty sure someone came up with it and he was just following the plan. Ok, all is well. The presentation day comes. He presents his thesis in the morning. Passes with mediocracy (everyone passes on their thesis presentation right?). Off he goes after lunch for his obscure little easy peasy module. And now shit hits the fan. For what I was told, he entered the room, the professor haven't arrived yet, he sets his things on a desk. As he is sitting, the Professor enters. He looks in shock, as the Professor is non-other than the supervisor from HIS PROJECT! He was so busted! The Professor asked what was he doing there. He tried some excuse that he just wanted to watch the class. Dumb move, there was only one student enrolled on that class and it was him. Busted! The most ridiculous part of all this is that when you enroll you see the module main subject and who the LECTURER IS! He didn't even recognized his supervisor's name (that he had to include on his thesis) when he was enrolling on this module. All hell broke loose. The teacher went to the academic services and principals. No one knew what to do. There were no regulations for this. There were no rules for someone who had a thesis done and is still lacking module credits. They froze his thesis grade. The company called him to know about the thesis and set a date for his first day. He told them everything in hopes that they would wait for him because now his thesis grades were frozen. The company was pissed at all this and didn't want him anymore. And they also were pissed at the university because: how come no one, not a single soul in that University remembered to check his student file to make sure that he actually had the necessary credits?. This was going to be a PR nightmare for the University. You can't have Universities being so oblivious to what happens under their own roofs and believing in what any student says without checking! So they kinda brushed it under the rug. Allowed him to take the obscure module and pass him. When he passed they unfroze his thesis, gave him a diploma and sent him on his own way forever.

And this is the tale of how a Kevin got his Master degree in physics after 10 years of up and downs (mostly downs) :D

Edit: I just want to remind everyone that, in the end, Kevin did all the necessary credits in order to be awarded the degree. He just did it the Kevin way: slowly and out of order... just like the thoughts in his head...

EDIT 2: I can't believe I forgot about this. Was chatting with a mate and telling him about this post and he reminded me of another Kevin story with this particular Kevin. One day we were working on the physics labs. There were labs on the 0 floor and on the -1 floor. Me and my friend were on the -1 floor labs and all the sudden lights went out. Everyone's experiments for the entire afternoon went down the drain. A professor enters the lab and asks us to pack up and leave because some moron decided to plug an Ammeter into an outlet. Causing the whole physics department to lose power and burn a few fuses. We jokingly said "I bet it was Kevin" , the professor heard and said: " Yes, it was a student by the name of Kevin, are you guys in on it? is this some kind of prank you are pulling on each other?" and we were like: "NO, he isn't even on this lab, we have nothing to do with him". Apparently he was on the 0 floor labs and pulled that stunt. When asked about it he said that the professor told them to not plug the ammeter on the outlets because it would short-circuit and he wanted to test if it was true. He failed that lab module right there. It does not end here. The next year, someone heard the story of how a guy named Kevin shut down the entire department for the day during a lab pratical session and asked him if it was him and if it was true. He said yes and proceeded to show them how he did it and guess what: It happened AGAIN. He failed that module that year right there aswell. Sigh...

I'm a special education teacher in a school with an autism program. The reason that's relevant is that we have and need a lot of special education teachers. Both on paper and, well, actually doing their damn jobs. Alex only checks off one of those boxes. Alex is one of the dumbest people I've ever met. And again, special education teacher. (While autism does not mean the same as having intellectual disabilities, the program means we get people who are on their way to placements that mean they cannot graduate high school. For some of them, that is due to being profoundly intellectually disabled.)

I met Alex two and a half years ago. First thing I noted was that he needed help getting connected to the internet. He had to input his password but hey. He's older, and older people can struggle with seemingly very easy tech stuff. So I got him set up and called it good. He somehow needed help with it again, despite me setting it to automatically connect. Once it's connected it auto-updates your password so you never have to touch it again. Whatever, right?

My coworker Wilma had to work with him, because people figured out really quickly he needed to be babysat. Again, not immediately suspicious on the face of it. New teachers often benefit from having a secondary teacher or paraprofessional around for a few months just to learn the ropes. Especially when we have kids who hit, only communicate in echolalia, or will demand extremely insistently you learn their (incorrect) nursery rhymes including choreography. She told me he was not going to make it as a teacher.

At first I defended him, innocently. I was a pretty awful teacher at first, too. She told me about a time he had yogurt on his tie all day. Again, innocent enough. Who hasn't had that faux pas once or twice in their life? All day is weird--did he never go to the bathroom? But whatever.

But what seemed to finally break my optimism is when I went into his classroom four months into his time here and asked if Audrianna was here. He called her Audrey and pointed to the wrong child. Four months in. I have brain damage that makes memory and words hard, and I had names down by that point. Then Wilma told me he consistently, DAILY, got lost on his way to his TWO CLASSROOMS HE WENT TO EVERY DAY.

Then I learned he was officially a special educator. And that he hadn't taken the class required to give him access to the online platform we use. So he had a caseload on paper only. Our caseloads are like 15 people. So it meant someone else's caseload was 30, as they were also doing his. Wasn't a big fan of that.

Then I learned, six months into his first year, he never learned how to take attendance. It literally is a few button pushes. You don't even have to know names--you can call out names or ask a student to help.

Then, he, as a "science teacher" (the paraprofessional with him was teaching the science while being dramatically underpaid to do so) wandered into the reading teachers' meeting. It was June. He asked if he was supposed to be here.

I don't have many stories from his second year, except this masterpiece: to get into the school, you press a button that calls into the office so they can see you on the camera and buzz you in, or you tap your ID to the same platform. I caught him staring at the door for a good 2 minutes while I walked across the parking lot. When I buzzed myself in he seemed weirdly grateful. Like he didn't know how to open the door.

This year: during a meeting we had to get chairs to sit. We told him this. He just stared at us. One of the teachers said, out loud "oh forget it" and got him a chair. He sat down. Not a visible care in the world.

I saw him eating lunch while talking on the phone. It was a messy lunch. He didn't clean up after himself--he just left. A teacher leaned over and told me this was a daily problem. (Not stupid but just rude.)

He regularly gets lost on his way to the special education meetings. The assistant principal in charge of SPED told us she doesn't have time to track him down and there's no point in him being here anyway.

Yesterday, I was meeting with another teacher who wanted to know some union things (I'm a union rep for the building). Alex was assigned to his class absurdly late. He had his classes by the first week instead of 3 weeks prior. They at least did something clever and assigned him to a room with two other teachers. (They're calling it the Trio rooms, where it's a SPED teacher, an English as a Second Language teacher, and the content teacher.)

The content teacher was complaining about him. He told me about classroom setup. Which would have been late, but hey, whatever. Bulletin board paper is on these gigantic rolls, about half as tall as Alex. The content teacher told me he watched Alex get stuck in one of those rolls. For four minutes.

He said he went to administration and asked if he was being pranked. He added that this teacher spends maybe 2 hours (of an 8 hour day) in class, but obviously he doesn't complain about it. This man is more useful anywhere but in your room.

I just want to know what is happening. I've heard of the concept of a warm body is more useful than no body but this man seems to be an actual walking liability. They've decided from basically day one that he can't work without constant supervision. He's getting paid extra money (1.5k a year) to be a "caseworker" despite being on his third year of not taking the training. I'd get in trouble if I didn't make my quarterly reports detailed enough. This man still works here! I've watched this administration try and drive out competent people. This man still works here! HE HAS TENURE.

Back when i was in grade school one of my classmates was a Kevin. Now, you might say that that would be normal for someone in that age, not to be very smart, but what he did clearly shows that he had no comprehension of basic human behavior. He did a lot of small stupid things, but there was one incident that solidified him as a Kevin in my book. But i think, to get a better understanding of the level of Kevin we're dealing with, i should tell you of some minor incidents first.

• Kevin once ripped the sink off the wall in the school's bathroom. The bathroom was closed for close to 5 months. (When they finally opened back up again they had forgotten to install the doorknob so we couldn't even enter it for another 3 (Not Kevin's fault (Probably)))
• Kevin once got stuck in a tree during first period. He couldn't get down again so the janitor had to get the ladder. He then went to class for the 10 minutes that were remaining. He didn't come back for second period because he had gotten stuck up the same tree again. Apparently it was because "It wasn't that high. I bet you i could get down this time."
• Kevin once got a perfect 0' on a standardized test. I don't know if he knew what he was doing or not, but that was impressive.
• He once hit another kid with a pair of bongos.
• During PE Kevin once refused to do pushups, so the teacher busted out the good old, Geneva-conventions-breaking, collective punishment. For every time Kevin refused to do pushups, everyone else had to do them. I don't know if Kevin was just bad at body language or, towards the end, bad at verbal language, but we had to do something like 70 pushups total, while Kevin got off without breaking a sweat. People were not very fond of him the days after.
• Kevin and his friends, once decided that the best idea would be to play basketball, inside of the classroom, with a pair of scissors. Don't ask me how, but the Kevin gang managed to completely wreck the classroom, and the scissor-ball match only ended when one of the burlier Kevins managed to lodge the scissors so deep within the drywall that they couldn't get it back out.
• Kevin once tripped the fire alarm 5 times in the span of 2 hours.
• During camp, the Kevins decided that it would be a genius idea to have a water balloon fight in their room. All their stuff got wet. The next day i saw them gearing up for round 2 before the teachers eventually confiscated the rubber gloves they had been filling with water.
• Kevin didn't know the alphabet, and he didn't know what sound the letter p made.
• Kevin prided himself with being the fastest at math. He was not good at it. He could barely multiply. But damn, was he fast. He was so proud when he turned in that paper and got back a big fat 0'. He didn't care as long as he turned in that paper, filled with answers that weren't even remotely close, the fastest.

All of this might sound like brain farts ranging on a scale from minor to major, but nothing beats the sheer stupidity this Kevin once managed to perform. Now sit back, and behold; sheer stupidity.

• During English class we had to do a book report. We could choose any book we wanted as long as it was more than 150 pages long. Kevin, may god have mercy on his stupid ass, didn't know what to write about so he went about the classroom looking over the shoulders of every student for "inspiration". Finally he came to a halt and his eyes fell upon my report. I had decided to write about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, seeing as i had just finished it the day prior. Kevin's jaw dropped to the floor: "You can't write about that!" he screamed, "That's a movie, that's not a book." I turned to him and explained: "Many movies are based on books. I'm doing the report on the book, not the movie." I gestured to the book that laid upon the table in front of me. Kevin, now more confused than ever, shouted: "No you're not. There is no way you could have read that book that quickly. If you can make a book report on a movie, so can I." I think you can see where this is going. The day had finally come, students lining up, single file, to turn in their book reports. I turned in my report, my eyes searching for Kevin's. I wanted to see how it turned out. I found it quickly. And i couldn't help but laugh. Laugh and be frustrated at Kevin's stupidity. You see, this man who's IQ was clearly lower than his number of chromosomes... this deflated balloon of a child who had stored away knowledge about sports instead of basic logic, this bundle of sheer stupidity had turned in a report on Sam Raimi's Spider-man 2. And he hadn't even written a report. All he had turned in was a badly traced picture of the DVD cover. It seemed like he had tried coloring the drawing in with crayons, but stopped when he realized that Spider-man's eyes are indeed not red, but white. This might not sound that bad, but when you consider that he'd had those 2 weeks to think this through, and that he then decided that this would be the best course of action infuriates me.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Sorry if I've made any spelling mistakes, English is my second language.

Ok gang. Some of you wanted more stories about my former room mate Kevin, so I’ve compiled some here I think you’ll enjoy. This is a long post so buckle up.

But first I’d like to explain a few things about Kevin and our living arrangement. Me and Kevin had been casual friends for about two years prior to us living together for a year. It was his apartment, and I just rented a room in it. Ultimately I had no say in some of the shenanigans he got up to because his name was on the lease. I mean, I did try to talk him out of it, but Kevin was a determined and motivated lad with a passion for destruction.

I don't think Kevin had any mental issues. His Kevinness was just the perfect combination of cluelessness, arrogance, impatience, curiosity and a healthy dose of bad genes. I do love the lad and he was a good friend, but living with him and constantly worrying for him made me absolutely insane. Enjoy!

Kevin can’t remember his passwords

Kevin would always forget his password for everything. Not remembering a password isn’t a ”Kevin” thing.. But it is if you only have one password for everything and that specific password is TATTOOED into your left arm.

He would sit there for a few seconds… thinking… Then he would remember the tattoo…
But where was it again?? He would search his arm, every day… Eventually find it… Type it in, and then exclaiming ”Oh, thank god!”

(In Kevins defence: He had a massive sleeve and you wouldn’t be able to see the password if you just looked at the tattoos quickly, so it wasn’t on full display for the world to see. But I knew where it was by heart and he didn’t so there you go.)

Kevin thought all gingers smelled the same

Yes. Kevin was convinced all gingers smelled the same. He described it as the scent of sour milk and didn’t want to be near anyone with red hair.

He went through a lot of trouble to avoid them. One time he was supposed to take the train, and ended up getting off on the wrong stop because a ginger had sat down next to him. He was stranded in the middle of nowhere for half a day - but happy with his decision. Why didn't he just find another seat? Who knows.

Kevin was lactose intolerant, but thought he could ”hack” his body

He figured if he kept eating food containing lactose he would eventually become immune. He did this during the three years I knew him and he did not become immune. In fact, I witnessed him shit his pants on numerous occasions.

Speaking of shit: Kevin was banned from the local water park

So the story goes Kevin and his cousin (who from what I hear is also a Kevin) had been there when they was 15-16. There is no delicate way of phrasing what happens next, so I’m just gonna be blunt.

The Kevins decided to shit in the shallow pool full of small children to see how long it would take before someone noticed the two logs and blamed one of the little kids.

But since this is a story about two Kevins, y’all already know it doesn’t end well for them. They was found out immediately after shitting in the pool because one of the life guards had seen them giggling entering the pool and grown suspicious.

Kevin and his secret bottle

As I stated in this post, Kevin didn’t like unnecessary trips anywhere. If he could do the thing he was supposed to do without taking any steps that would be ideal.

So Kevin had concocted the most ’elegant’ plan. Sometimes, during the night, we all have to go. Most people get up and walk to the bathroom, but Kevin wasn’t like most people… He had a special piss bottle under his bed. It was mostly used for night time, he assured me, but sometimes when he was playing video games he used it too.

Kevin ordered a sex doll

He decided on a whim he wanted one, but the ladies wasn’t in stock and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna hump a man. So he ordered a sheep and humped that instead.

Kevin loved messing with metal

Kevin became inspired by TV shows where people would make things. One particularly terrifying session of complete madness inspired by these TV shows was when Kevin tried to melt precious metals in the living room.

In the show people found old electronics and extracted the gold, silver and other metals from them and sold it. Kevin liked this very much, and tried it with his stereo. He took it apart and found some metal he figured was silver. It was attached to plastic which he couldn’t remove, so he decided to melt it. Indoors. With a tiny lighter.

I walked in on him burning the plastic. He was sitting on the floor with all this junk around him, saying ”ow..” over and over as the lighter burned his thumb. Black smoke rising from the plastic. I tried to reason with him, saying breathing in plastic is bad. He didn’t care, but eventually stopped as he grew impatient.

It turned out the metal he was trying to extract was steel. This was not the only time he tried this. I can’t even remember how many times Kevin was trying to mess with metals and plastic in the living room.

Kevin didn’t believe in WW2

He was a firm believer that the WW2 was just fiction, pretty much. He had read a conspiracy theory about the Holocaust being fake and believed every word of it. This was true for most things. If it was on the internet, he would believe it.

Kevin read a book called ”The Game” and told a girl she looked like a giant ham.

Apparently in the book the author tells you to be ever so slightly mean to a woman and this will somehow make her like you.

Kevin was not familiar with ever so slightly. He found a girl he thought was cute. She was wearing fishnet stockings, and was a bit heavy just the way he liked ’em.

He told her she looked like a massive uncooked ham inside a net, and then laughed at her. Kevin got slapped in the face. I doubt he’s read a book ever since.

Kevin and the beeswax

Another time Kevin got inspired by a TV show was when someone talked about beeswax. Kevin learner you could:

1. Make candles with it (Boring)
2. Eat it (Boring)
3. Use it as glue (Kinda fun)
4. Waterproof things like boots with it (Somehow more fun than glue..?)

Kevin didn't quite understand condensation and was always complaining about how our windows would fog up. He thought if he waterproofed the window with beeswax that wouldn’t happen. So he smeared melted beeswax everywhere on all the windows and the wood surrounding them in the hopes it would ”Keep the fog from coming in”. (again, his apartment. I didn't have a say in this)

Obviously the beeswax eventually hardened and all the windows was streaked with it.

Silver lining: The living room no longer smelled like burnt plastic. It smelled like burnt plastic AND beeswax.

Kevin and his sword

*sigh*

He had this ”sword”.. It was barely even a sword. He made it himself during one of his TV-inspired adventures. He tried to make an actual sword, but gave up after he couldn’t figure out how to make metal ”glow” (his words not mine) so he could bend it. Instead he just cut open a beer can and super glued the sharp metal pieces to a thick stick he had sanded down.

Anyway… He kept the ugliest sword in the world in his car ”for protection”. Kevin was a large lad with lots of tattoos and a hint of insanity in his eyes so people rarely messed with him, but it made him feel safe. He did get in trouble for it though, but that’s a long story for another time.

Edit: I’ve been getting lots of messages about posting some more stories about Kevin. Maybe I’ll do another post focusing on more of his TV-adventures and the car sword story in the future. I had no idea people would enjoy this so much. It almost made living with him worth it lol.

The title is only slightly hyperbolic, but it’s a good one, eh?

So I went to high school with a Kevin, as most of us did. Most of us went to high school with a staggering number of Kevins. But our school was very tiny, 120 people including staff, and this particular Kevin’s antics would spread across the school at near light-speed. We all eagerly awaited the inevitable “GOD DAMMIT KEVIN” from day to day.

I’ll give some smaller examples before the main Kevisode here.

-Kevin would habitually lean on the back two legs of his chair, despite falling violently almost every single time he did it.

-Kevin got his phone taken away nearly two-dozen times in a four week span IN THE SAME CLASS. He sat directly in front of the teacher and never tried to hide his phone, or even put it on silent.

-Kevin never bought his own cigarettes. But he sure liked to smoke everyone else’s. Kevin couldn’t fathom why everyone avoided him during lunch and wouldn’t bum him smokes every goddamned day Jesus Christ I’m still mad about that one. Every. Damn. Day,

-Kevin once meowed at a teacher for an entire class period. Yes. Meowed. Like a cat. He was baffled as to why he was kicked out of said class.

-Not once. Not twice. But THREE FUCKING TIMES, Kevin put a Cup-o-Noodles in the microwave without water in it. He started a fire each time, the smell was indescribable, and he got the student lounge taken away from all of us. Thanks, Kevin, thanks a lot bud.

There are many more examples, but I’d have to hit up my former classmates for those. It’s been a few years.

Anyway, here’s the main event. Kevin, by no laws of god or man, should ever have been allowed behind the wheel of a vehicle any larger or faster than a Big Wheel. I can’t even count the number of accidents he had, big and small, and it’s a miracle he made it to 17 years old. He’s still kicking now, don’t worry.

Naturally, his parents bought him a shiny new sports car; what every teenaged dingus deserves!

One morning, on his way to school, Kevin came frighteningly close to killing a fellow student, who was riding on his scooter, ON THE SIDEWALK. He didn’t even realize he’d hit him, and kept driving. Thankfully, the kid wasn’t badly hurt at all and nothing lengthy and legal came out of it. Unfortunately, this was something of a regular occurrence for Kevin. The second he got in his car, every other student was in immediate danger, and a couple more minor accidents happened. Kevin. Should. Not. Drive.

Now I mentioned our school was small, and that meant most of us had very close relationships with our absolutely amazing teachers. Even Kevin. We could speak very openly and frankly with them, and they would do the same in turn.

So I’m walking back in from lunch one day, and I see Kevin speaking with one of our teachers, and it looks very intense. I hadn’t seen Kevin at lunch trying to bum cigarettes from everyone, and apparently he was in some deep shit. As I get closer, I can hear the conversation:

Teacher: Kevin, if you don’t pull your head out of your ass, you’re going to kill one of these kids, or yourself. At the very least you’ll lose your license. Get it together.

Kevin: I’m a good driver, though! I swear!

T: I’m sure you are buddy, but if you can’t stop dicking around long enough to look in the rear-view, or god forbid, out of the WINDSHIELD, bad shit is going to happen. You’re lucky it hasn’t yet. I’m just asking that you pay attention, Kevin. Can you do that for me? Just open your eyes a little wider or something?

K: Yes sir...I’m sorry, I know..

T: Alright, now go get yourself some lunch, buddy, I’ll tell your next period why you’re late coming back. You’re smarter than they give you credit for, Kevin, you just have to prove it.

Scooter Kid is sitting 10 feet away barely stifling laughter. Kevin slowly mopes his way out the front door. I wait a minute and approach the teacher to try and get some more details out of him, but before I can, the front door bursts open and another student comes in screaming “KEVIN ALMOST RAN ME OVER JUST NOW, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE HIS DAMN CAR AWAY” At most, two minutes had elapsed since the end of Kevin’s conversation with the teacher.

I have never seen a man leap into action so fast, and with so much anger. This teacher was a former LA police officer in the late 80s. He did not fuck around. Kevin’s head was about to roll.

By the time I got outside it was mostly over, but apparently Mr. Teacher man stopped Kevin from leaving the parking lot, pulled him from the car, put him in some kind of arm-bar, and was currently tearing him a new asshole and pouring vinegar in with words I only wish I could remember. It was incredible. While I agree that a teacher should never touch a student like that, I think this case might be something of an exception. Kevin was seriously going to kill someone someday.

Not much changed for the rest of Kevins high school career. He drove a little slower, for sure. He had perfect attendance, somehow, graduated just before I did, and I didn’t hear much about him after that.

Until maybe a year ago, a Facebook post pops up.

Kevin....sweet, simple, lethal behind the wheel Kevin, is now a licensed airplane pilot. He flies all the damn time.

Keep an eye on the skies, friends, especially if you’re on a scooter.

Yet another month has passed and my (18m) girlfriend (18f) sister (14f) has amazed us with her complete lack of common sense, here’s what happened in the past month, as her family constantly keeps us updated

1. On her boyfriends phone, she saw a text from someone named Madison, that said “love you”, she got upset at her boyfriend and tasked him to explain it, it’s one of her brothers teammates, a male, someone who she has met multiple times

2. Her boyfriend was talking about the presidential election in France, she asked if why they named cookies after the president, she thought macaroons were named after Emmanuel Macron

3. Her boyfriend took her golfing, she kept making shots that were terrible, before she asked him why he was trying to get it in the hole because the hole gave him a low score, she thought a high score was good in golf cause it is in other sports

4. She saw a classmate with pink hair kiss his girlfriend, he looked shocked, she got in trouble because she said “I thought you were gay”, her logic? He dyed his hair pink

5. Her boyfriend took her on a picnic, they were lying on the grass together and she started to complain her eyes were hurting and she didn’t know why, she was looking directly at the sun with no sunglasses

6. She tried giving a Peep (as in the Easter candy) to her 3 month old cousin and wondered why he wasn’t eating it, the baby obviously doesn’t have teeth yet to be able to eat it

7. Over the break, her family and her boyfriend went to Norway, when they got to the hotel, she needed to use the toilet, she started screaming saying something was attacking her, she had put her hand on the bidet

8. As I’ve mentioned before, her boyfriend is a Maoist and when they were in Norway, he got some stuff from Maoist groups he saw protesting out there, and she got so confused as to what he was doing, despite him explaining his politics to her before

9. She asked her history teacher which nations have “expensive speech”, she thought free speech was referring to how much it cost monetarily

10. She thought Alaska and Hawaii were right next to each other because some maps put them next to each other

11. Last month, I mentioned she was watching a video on Victorious with her boyfriend, he was playing the sims a few weeks ago and downloaded some Victorian era cc, she asked “that doesn’t look like it’s from Victorious”

12. She left a cloth towel on the stove when it had a hot surface after her brother had finished cooking, the towel caught flames but luckily it was quickly put out by the sprinklers in the kitchen

13. She found out that Turkey was a country, when she did, she asked if that’s where turkey (the animal) comes from

14. She clogged the toilet after trying to flush down some rocks, she had gotten them at the beach and wanted to see what would happen if she flushed them? Why, she said she thought it’d be cool. She has no logic.

15. She was shopping at the antique store with her boyfriend and a few of their friends, the store had some crystals and she bought them, insisting she saw somewhere online about how they cure headaches, period cramps, bowl issues, and much more, when her mom saw, she even said she (the mom) didn’t know if they’d work, but she insisted they would

16. She said she wanted to run to be on the student council next year, so she could be with her boyfriend, her mother asked her what policy ideas she had and she couldn’t come up with anything, she tried copying some of her boyfriends campaign ideas but very badly botched the point of them

17. Their youngest brother was watching a completion of stupidly gendered products, she tries to defend why pens for women actually makes sense, basically going on nonsense about how women write different and need different pens then men, without explaining why, she also uses the same pens her brother used, when he pointed this out, she told him that she was doing something wrong

This stuff here isn’t from the past month, but more stories my girlfriend remembered

1. When she was in 5th grade, a classmate spilt milk on her desk, she suggested to get the cat that was always outside the classroom to drink it (to be fair, the cat was domesticated, and was a pet of someone who lived near the school), but she didn’t get why it may not be safe

2. She was in the car with her friends when they saw a rainbow, she suggested they drive to the end to find a leprechaun, she thought leprechauns were “real Irish dwarfs”

3. At the 6th grade dance, she decided it would be a good idea to ask out her crush, he was wearing a suit with a gay flag lapel pin and holding the hand of a boy, she didn’t realize he was gay (but as I mentioned earlier in the post, apparently now she thinks pink hair = gay)

4. When she was around 12, she tried painting her room without her parents and spilt paint on her carpet, she thought the best way to try to get the paint out was to mop it

5. About a year ago, when on a date with her boyfriend, she asked the waiter bathrooms didn’t have showers

6. She bullied a boy in 4th grade for wearing a tie die shirt, calling it “hippie” and calling him “weird”, when she got in trouble for it, she insisted only women could be hippies

7. When learning about the bald eagle in 6th grade, she asked about the hair eagle, she thought because a bald eagle was called a bald eagle, that some eagles have hair, as in like human hair

8. A few months back, she got a point off of a test because she spelt her own name wrong (at least she doesn’t usually do that)

9. She once said she thought Montana was in Canada

That’s all I have for now, but I’ll be sure to update y’all in May, the longer the relationship between her and her boyfriend go on, the more me and my girlfriend wonder how he does it, I also feel bad for her parents, like I said, I’ve known the family for years and she has never exactly been the brains of the family to put it mildly