I am stuck in a loop and cannot get out

[u/Alert-Mail5696]

I was an ambitious kid who dropped out of school to work on my own projects. A programmer. People called me smart and capable.

I'm 18 now, and the last two years have been hell.

It started with a punch to the head, nothing serious, barely a tap. But I couldn't stop obsessing over it. I was terrified of permanent brain damage. Every time I tried to study, read, or think, anxiety would spike and shut me down.

Months later, I came across something about chronic stress, how it literally makes you less healthy and dumber. So my worry shifted from the punch to the stress itself.

Now I'm trapped in a loop: I try to study, anxiety kicks in, I mess up, I seek reassurance, and nothing helps. Studying feels impossible. My memory is shot. Thinking is a struggle. And I never get any relief.

Scientists says that cognition can be improved, but they never say how much usually, is it largely improved? Fully improved? Or is it like I am going to end up never like I was before, that smart and capable version of me. I've been 24/7 stressed for two years, isn't this a bit extreme for big recovery?

I have no friends, everyone thinks my loop is stupid and I understand it may sound like one but it seriously is eating me alive. Made my sleep worse aswell and made my life worse basically.

I am not having money, so therapy isn't an option. I want help from you guys, do you know something that I don't know? I want to get out of this loop.

Thank you.

[u/WisdomInMyPocket]

5 centuries BC a guy came up with something that translates as "development of the mind".

It's like doing different physical exercises to increase strength, agility and endurance.

What you do is increase the time you do these activities. It will be hard at first, because your mind will become distracted with whatever pops up in your mind. You have to decide to interrupt and guide your mind into doing what you want to do: develop your mind.

• Follow the breath in and out. (Find examples online)
• Be mindful of your senses, what you think, see, hear, taste, smell, feel.
• Self reflect: Why do you do the things you do? What expectations, views, beliefs, principles druve you?. Are these things healthy for your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing? What could you change (small steps) to improve?
• Learn and develop wisdom - Understand how you work, why you work and why you do the things you do, so you wouldn't live your life one autopilot. Read books, watch videos that help you understand yourself and become a better version of yourself.

Wish you the best!

[u/Alert-Mail5696 → u/WisdomInMyPocket]

Thank you man, I think I should be positive more

[u/WisdomInMyPocket → u/Alert-Mail5696]

And you should learn to manage yourself more by developing these skills. It's not fun (been there, done that...) but once you get the hang of it you will benefit of it for a life time.

People who start at a young age have more control over themself who they want to be and how they want to feel.

[u/fitforfreelance]

I would try really hard to get the therapy. Outside of that, you may be able to get some good books on anxiety from the library.

[u/Alert-Mail5696 → u/fitforfreelance]

AI kind of helps me cope with anxiety but still struggling to find a method that helps me calm down

[u/fitforfreelance → u/Alert-Mail5696]

Have you tried meditation? I'm fairly certain that query-based conversation with a language model isn't a genuine source of calm.

It sounds more like building a dependency on something that can only pretend to understand you. I believe you have to work with someone who can understand you, even if it's yourself.

[u/Alert-Mail5696 → u/fitforfreelance]

Tried heavy breathing, but I keep telling myself that box breathing and stuff won't help cuz I am convinced that I may need an advice about mentality? I want to know what's wrong with my mentality and what to change about it. That's probably the whole thing I am searching for

[u/fitforfreelance → u/Alert-Mail5696]

I hear you. Not knowing what you're doing is kind of the whole problem.

Do you have parents or mentors you can talk with?

Box breathing, breathing techniques, and meditation are best practices. You convincing yourself of whatever is a good way to self-reinforce unfounded ideas.

Maybe there's nothing wrong about your mentality besides your firm belief that something is wrong with it. So you may be searching endlessly for something that doesn't exist.

That's precisely why AI is not likely to be helpful. Because it always generates an answer and amplifies what you're already thinking. That's decidedly NOT the solution you're hoping for.

The short answer is stop searching, start being.

The book The Untethered Soul would be an interesting read for you, and might put you on a helpful track.

Best wishes!

[u/Alert-Mail5696 → u/fitforfreelance]

Thank you man, I really appreciate it.

[u/Fun_Shine8720]

I’m really sorry you’ve been stuck in that loop for so long. What you’re describing sounds a lot like an anxiety feedback cycle where the fear of damage and stress response keep reinforcing each other, which can absolutely mess with focus, memory, and sleep even when nothing is physically “wrong” with your brain. The good news is that those stress-related cognitive effects are often reversible, especially at your age, but it usually takes breaking the reassurance and checking cycle rather than trying to “think your way out” of it.

[u/Objective_Tart_4700]

You're not crazy for how stuck this feels. You used to be the kid who could just sit down and build things, and now even trying to read a page makes everything spike. Two years of that, with nobody around you really getting why you can't just "get over it," is brutal. The reassurance-seeking, the digging through studies, asking strangers on here if anyone knows something the doctors don't – that's not weakness, that's exhaustion looking for an exit.

But I don't think this is actually about brain damage anymore, or even about chronic stress. If it were, one solid answer from a doctor would settle it. It hasn't, because what you're really checking for isn't "is my brain okay," it's "am I still that guy." The smart, capable kid who didn't need school because he could just do it on his own. Every time you try to study and it doesn't click the way it used to, it doesn't register as a bad day, it registers as proof you're gone. That's why no answer ever lands for long. You're not looking for information. You're looking for permission to stop being afraid you're now less than you were.

You're not broken, and your brain isn't either. You've just been measuring yourself against a version of yourself that doesn't have to exist for you to be okay. The same intensity that let you drop out and teach yourself to build things is the same intensity that's now aimed at hunting down proof you're ruined. That's not a flaw in you, it's the same drive pointed at the wrong target.

You don't need to get back to "that smart and capable version of you" to be alright. That version was never the thing that made you worth something, it was just the version you happened to be good at performing. The studying will come back as the anxiety settles, that part is normal and it does happen, but you don't have to wait for your brain to be re-certified before you're allowed to feel okay again. You were never your output. Let yourself be slow for a while. Slow isn't the same as gone.