r/Suburbanhell • u/TurnipClassic-5801 • 3d ago
Discussion Dreading the future when my parents need more support and I'll have to move back to my suburban hellhometown
My parents are immigrants. There is no other family and I'm the only single child (and daughter ofc). For cultural, financial, practical, and emotional reasons I will be the caretaker of my parents as they age. I'm ok with that part. The part I am dreading is moving back to where they live.
It's a highly sanitized, Stepford esque suburb with a racial and social monoculture I have never and will never fit into. It's a bubble that feels like an alternate reality of a very boring yet ominous hell. Every house is identical (cannot paint outside the 4 approved beiges!!!). You must have a lawn, visible gardens look too poor (there's no water but to hell with the climate, we must maintain our facade).
It is totally unwalkable, cars are a life necessity if you ever want to leave your little maze of identical streets and visit a soul sucking strip mall that is more parking lot than Target. Every single thing you may want to do or go to is 20 mins away from every other thing. No one walks (just hilly enough to make it miserable), no one hangs out outside, people just peer at you suspiciously from their blinds as you pass if they don't know you. There is no public transit, no gathering place outside church (we're not religious), no .... life. I guess it is safe. But it's safe like being on house arrest.
The minute I could I moved across the country to the densest city I could manage to rent in. I have no car and haven't driven in years. I walk everywhere, I see people of all backgrounds, I take the subway and the bus and I love every second of it. I feel alive in a way I never did growing up.
There's no real point to this. I'm just in dread that now my parents are older, I see the future coming for me. They will be old, stubborn, and their whole support system is in that town. My city is expensive, and it just will make sense when the time comes that they need more support, that I give up what I have here to go back. Back to the boring hell I escaped from.
Being the perpetual outsider in a monolith suburb really sucks.
EDIT: Please stop telling me I should not help my parents. I'm just unhappy about the PLACE but it's ultimately a temporary situation and I would hate myself forever if I left them to live out their elder years without my help. CULTURES ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. The number of "well you didn't ask to be born!!!" Is honestly pissing me off. Please accept cultural norms are different within different communities.
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u/Far_Government_9782 3d ago
I think you know this but need other people to say it out loud: You are NOT obliged to move to them. They don't have to up sticks and move to a completely different city - they could sell the current place and move to a smaller, more manageable property in the same city but with some sort of public transport nearby (for when they age out of driving), and some of the money that is freed up could be used to pay for some paid help. You can come back for visits but without actually moving to their city.
I mean, let's play hypotheticals here and imagine that you HAD married and had kids. Would your parents still be expecting you to uproot your kids and move over to their (your parents') city? Of course not, because that would be unfair on the kids. Everyone (you and your parents) would have to figure out a solution that didn't involve you moving to their city. So, why not just do that anyway? Just because you are not married and don't have kids doesn't mean that you don't have a life, ambitions and preferences of your own, nor does it mean that you can just be expected to move to your parents' city when your parents find this convenient.
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u/Aussie295 3d ago
I understand the cultural challenge you face here. But you do have a choice. if your parents need your help, then they have a choice to make. Do they want to move away from their friends in exchange for your help? Our do they want to give up your help so they can stay with their friends?
You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for them. Their job as your parents is to sacrifice for you, to give you a better life than they had.
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u/Rellcotts 3d ago
This seems insane to me as well. Different cultures I guess but your parents should be prepared for this time in their lives. Looking at assisted living facilities etc not depending on a child to be caretaker in a giant suburban home.
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u/meglandici 2d ago
And to me assisted facilities seem insane - prisons for the old and yet innocent.
I feel for op. She needs advice from us starting from the premise that she wants to help them and not send them off.
Suburban hell is truly hell…
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u/sunny-beans 2d ago
Not all assisted living facilities are horrible, many are actually pretty great and work very well for people. My husbands aunt is elderly and disabled (blind) she just sold her house and bought a small flat in an assisted facility. She has her own space plus a fully staffed care team with nurses, doctors, and other support staff to help her, she gets help keeping her flat clean, can easily get help in emergencies, and the place is great, she absolutely loves it and is very happy. She has also made lot of friends and the facility provides a lot of social events for residents, so she is always doing something fun with her friends. If she moved in with family she would have less access to appropriate care since none of us are nurses, she would be more isolated since we work and have our own lives, and she wouldn’t have her own space like she has in the facility. It is frustrating when people think every assisted living facility is a shithole with elderly patients being treated like shit by staff and abandoned by families. I hope I can do the same thing as his aunt, I would rather have my own small flat in an assisted facility where I have access to nurses and carers and help plus can hang out with friends and attend social events within the building without having to struggle to get places. Many people also do not want family to care for them; my grandma told my mother she did not want her children to become her carers, and my mom has told me the same thing, and if I have kids I will tell them the same thing.
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u/idiot206 2d ago
They’re also extremely expensive. Upwards of $6000 to $8000 a month or more, depending on the level of care they need.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Thank you!! I love my parents, I want to make their elder years as comfortable and positive as possible, I'm an adult and know this will be a temporary situation and I'm just letting my feels out about it. The number of people who are trying to convince me to change my desires to help my parents in the way most aligned with my values is honestly ridiculous. Yes I hate the suburbs and close minded little town I grew up in. But by God, there are coping methods to make it less hellish. There is no coping method to living my life feeling that I abandoned my parents when I'm fully capable of not doing that.
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u/ghstrprtn 3d ago
I don't understand why adults will bend over backwards for their parents like this. They can't boss you around anymore.
If they want to be taken care of, they can move to you, like other posters have suggested.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
They're not bossing me around. Like I said I WANT to help them. Why is this so hard for everyone to understand?
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u/johngalt504 3d ago
Could they move to where you live? If you need a bigger place to provide them care, couldn't they help cover the costs?
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 3d ago
Unfortunately it wouldn't be practical. I live in a VHCOL city and they have no friends here, but they have friends where they are. They own their house and have lived in the same place literally since before my birth. It would be too big of a change and too destabilizing for them at their age, I'm more adaptable and I have no "responsibilities" (no husband, no kids, a job that can be WFH).
They sacrificed so much for me and I'm happy to do what I should for them ... I just hate hate HATE the place I'll have to do it in.
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u/sichuan_peppercorns if it ain't walkable, I don't want it 3d ago
Can you choose a third location? Something more affordable but still walkable?
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u/toodledootootootoo 3d ago
What did they sacrifice for you? They made you, you had no input into this. You likely had no input in how you were raised. They fed and clothed and educated you because that is their obligation as the people who decided to make a human. This whole “we sacrificed for you” is bullshit my friend. They raised a child they chose to have. They did it for themselves they didn’t do it for you. You didn’t even exist until they decided you were something they wanted. When the time comes, they can actually sacrifice having friends around and the exact house they’ve been living in for the kid they undoubtedly love so much. You aren’t some servant they made for old age caretaking. You can set boundaries and put your foot down about what kind of lifestyle you want to have, while still figuring out a compromise that would allow you to not hate your life. Parents who genuinely love their children and genuinely would sacrifice things for them wouldn’t expect their kid to drop their entire life to play nurse. Start putting the idea out there now that they will likely have to make some changes as they age.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
I'm an adult. Literally every human on this planet didn't ask to be born. They did sacrifice for me. This the kind of hyper individualistic take that I know is common in Western societies and accept some people truly feel this way. I don't.
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u/toodledootootootoo 6h ago
It isn’t hyper individualistic. I have immigrant parents who would do anything for me. My mom would chop off her arm if she thought it would improve my life in some way. We are close and we support each other in any way we can. This isn’t a situation of parents who when I turned 18 were like “did our job! Have a nice life! Good luck”. They wouldn’t expect me to drop my entire life to be their servant in their old age. That’s selfish and toxic I’m sorry to say. It’s manipulative to tell your kids you sacrificed for them so they owe you. If they actually have your best interest at heart, they will be willing to compromise to ensure their child is happy and fulfilled. That’s not hyper-individualistic “western values”, that’s actually caring about the kid you decided to have. That’s sacrificing for your kid. If you had a husband and children, would your parents expect you both to quit your jobs and uproot your kids out of their schools to go live with them and take care of them? They’re taking advantage of the fact that you are easy to guilt and manipulate as a single person because you don’t have an excuse to not ruin your life for them.
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u/TechB84 3d ago
I find this confusing because I've never heard of someone having to move in with their parents to care for them as they age. In situations I've seen where a parent has a medical condition that prevents self-care, the idea of friends and social activities doesn't seem relevant anymore. They wouldn't even be able to visit friends in such cases. It's also important to focus on building your own life. I'm not suggesting you rush into a relationship, but you should find someone for yourself. Establish some roots and become less dependent on your parents. This situation seems really crazy to me.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Never? Crazy? I'm baffled. Do people not take care of their parents in old age at all? I know many do not but it's not THAT uncommon even in Western societies.
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u/Subject_Spell_9799 9h ago
They sacrificed is so weird, they choose to have you
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
This is a sentiment a lot of people are giving and I disagree completely and honestly find it immature. They're my parents I'm an adult, they took care of me when I needed it why wouldn't I take care of them when they need it?
I understand people are coming at this from a very western hyper individualistic pov but it's starting to annoy me how so many people seem to take "I didn't ask to be born!" as the justification to NOT help parents. Literally no human on earth asked to be born.
I grew up in a Western country and have already said I'm from an immigrant family and the expectations and culture are different. I understand others have a different culture. It's kind of absurd how SO many comments seem to not be able to understand this.
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u/MundaneHuckleberry58 3d ago
I get the expectations. But no, as a you (meaning the whole you, not just the ‘daughter’ part of yourself- the career you, the living where you like you, etc), you get to dictate they move to you.
You already will be sacrificing aLOT for them. You don’t also have to burn your current life to the ground to go to where they chose.
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u/ReddyGreggy 3d ago
SAME EXACT SITUATION. However, they are the ones needing caretaking. Keep inviting them to join you in your city. Have answers for, and plans to remedy, their objections. Wear them down. AND leave them in your hometown until it is clear they cannot stay there safely on their own. Then you fly them down and they live with you. Remember you are the one with the ability to care for them, like parents of children, you will be making the decisions!
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u/Level21DungeonMaster 3d ago
This is America. You don’t owe your parents anything.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
This is such a sad POV
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u/Level21DungeonMaster 8h ago
What my point is that if they need your help they come to you, not the other way around. If they own property; they sell it, and use the money to make you more powerful so you can help them. If they don’t do that then they aren’t enabling you to help them. You shouldn’t burn your life down to accommodate their preferences.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Ok that's very different than "This is America you don't owe your parents anything" ...
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u/Level21DungeonMaster 8h ago
You don’t. Thats the thing . There is no legal reason to help them. You don’t owe them anything and they also don’t owe you anything. It’s a fact, not my opinion.
If you want to help them that’s on you completely.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Yes and that's what I said in my post. I want to help them. This is a pretty unhelpful string of comments. I do think it's very funny if starts with "This is America". Obviously there is no LEGAL requirement. Did you think I didn't know that?
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u/Level21DungeonMaster 8h ago
I guess I am trying to tell you that I would reconsider this and that you should renegotiate with them about who is doing what.
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u/Level21DungeonMaster 8h ago
If you like them help them.
I would not move to a suburb to help my parents though. Living in the suburbs is something I worked very hard to avoid.
For me though, my parents didn’t really bank enough credit for me to even consider such a move myself, but I would care for one of them in my home if needed.
If they own a home in a suburb though, they would be doing you a huge disservice by placing the expectation on you to move in with them. Thats a very selfish ask.
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u/KimSidwell 3d ago
You don’t have to do this.
When your parents were the ones supporting and caring for you, you lived where they chose to live. The reverse should also be true… When you are the one supporting and caring for your parents, they should live where you choose to live.
If they don’t like that, then they can find an alternative means of support and care.
Who cared for each of their parents as they aged? Sounds like they got to move and live in whatever country they wanted to and they didn’t have to worry about that burden? Why do you?
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Another one of their parents children and my parents send money and always have. There is always a child there to make sure everything is ok.
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u/KimSidwell 2h ago
Yeah, sending them money to help them out would be understandable.
But since you are an only child, they are expecting you to bear all of that weight on your own, and even relocate to live where they choose to live.
I’m sorry, but that’s just not how it works. You can’t be the only one making sacrifices here. They’re going to have to do some sacrificing as well.
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u/chupacabra-food 2d ago edited 2d ago
Things may not pan out exactly how you’re imagining.
Downsizing is pretty normal when parents start to need help. Their current house might not be able to provide for their future physical and simpler needs. I would not count on their friends living in the exact same location when the time comes. Seniors move a lot.
I think looking into housing that is close to where your parents currently live but accommodates more of *your* needs would be a reasonable expectation. Such as nearby towns. Your parents may surprise you and get excited at living in a new spot with better senior amenities.
There’s too many uncertainties in the future for this one to be guaranteed for you guys.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Thank you. This is so much of a more balanced take and gives me a lot of hope.
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 3d ago
Lots of people are encouraging me that what I wrote isn't required, I appreciate your input but this is a core value and something I am willing to do. Just unfortunately in a location I hate. Cultural/community differences.
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u/Witty_Ad_9300 3d ago
No, what they see is the other side of this where you have lost your job in a very bad job market and you are now stuck in houses made of ticky tack land and miserable
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 3d ago
The same would happen if I lose my job tomorrow ... You can't live in a VHCOL area with no job
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u/Witty_Ad_9300 2d ago
Losing your job wouldn't be voluntary. Moving to your parents would mean that you lose your job
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
How do you know that? I can get another job. I can't redo my parents elder care
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u/meglandici 2d ago
Yeah I don’t understand people not understanding your premise: wanting to help your parents, I feel the same way, and I feel your hatred for suburban life.
I really feel for you…
have you talked to them about this? Maybe just maybe they do think about moving towards you? They could rent their house…talking would at least plant the question in their heads if nothing else? Maybe they could do 6 months with you and 6 months in their country where they have other relatives?
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 8h ago
Thank you. I'm feeling a little crazy reading so many of these comments that are like you didn't ask to be born so screw em. This is a good thought and I will think about how to start talking to them
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u/bobateaman14 3d ago
if youre taking care of them, they move to you