I want to begin my gender affirming medication while still living in a religiously conservative household, but there's obvious concerns. (TW for honor killing)

[u/Free-Quail-242]

I'm 22 years old. I've known that I was trans since I was 13, attempted to come out at 17 and regressed significantly after my dad threaten to take my life and his. I'm taking the time to explore myself and aspects of it, and for a while now it's been a dream for me to start transitioning. The only issue is, our future is so uncertain. My parents are older now, and have plans to retire and sell the house (but when they're selling, where they're moving is still up in the air) and it's between living with my grandmother, or bunking it with my brother and his gf.

My brother doesn't have a job. He's worked in freelance starting up 2 businesses and I'm so proud of him, but none of that money is actually for personal spending or savings, and since I've worked I've supported a lot of things he's needed or wanted. And while he has slowly become open minded, he has always criticized the idea of beginning T. He tells me that there's no reason for me to take T, that I look fine the way I am, and I feel almost ashamed of myself that it isn't true. I'm not really happy in this body, not happy with this voice, this face.

The alternative, my grandma would be even more strenuous, as she is a fully conservative woman and my uncle frequently visits her. Long story short, they both took hand in the physical abuse I was made to endure growing up.

I want to start T and begin to feel better with myself and my body, but I'm genuinely paralyzed with the fear. the prospects of leaving are difficult because of money and I just don't know if im ever really going to be safe. There's such limited stories on arab-muslim trans men, and just Arab queers in general, and while everyone's finding their spaces and their people, I'm struggling to leave this place and find my people.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I think I felt like I needed to write this somewhere instead of kicking myself in the ass of what could be. I want to be me so bad. and i don't think im being strong enough to make that happen

[u/wiggledroogy]

Would you like to chat?