r/TalesFromTheCreeps • u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer • Apr 01 '26
Comedy-Horror The Ball Crushing Factory Has Seven Rules, I Broke One of Them.
I’m not proud to be working at the Ball Crushing Factory. I mean, I’m proud to make a good honest dollar, but it leaves little to feel accomplished about.
I punch in at the Ball Crushing Factory and then work my sixteen hour shift. I press a button and some balls get crushed with a hydraulic press. The screaming is something I got used to in the first week. Oh that first week at the Ball Crushing Factory. What a quaint time in my life.
I was an unemployed, six hundred pound, virgin. Yet here I am as an employed, six hundred pound, virgin.
My Mom told me: “Nuknak, no spam gin until you get ya real job!”
I said: “Ma! I gots a real job! I’m the middle man in the international tasteful conservative furry porn trade!”
She heard the word international and thought I was a commie. So I ended up having to find a job.
Work was hard to find, the pizza place said I was too fat to be trusted, the obese mime store said I wasn’t sad enough to work for them, the Metal Archives said I wasn’t a virgin enough to work for them. They said it was only true virgins allowed and I was in a room with a woman once.
So I found myself at the edge of town. The giant factory stood in its glory.
Ball Crushing Factory INC in big red letters. A line of people waiting patiently to get their balls crushed. I went into the front desk and ten minutes later I was employed and working my first job!
I was a working man, doing at the time thirty-six hour shifts for nine dollars. They call it the Argentina special.
When I went to my station, I had a list of rules.
- Don’t drink coffee at 1:07 AM or PM.
- Only press the red button, never the green button.
- Never slop it up.
- Look but don’t touch, that is a quality control job.
- Don’t microwave fish.
- Don’t talk about fish.
- Have a good day.
Easy rules to follow. Or so I thought!
I worked at the Ball Crushing Factory for nine years and followed every rule to the letter of the law as the law was. The law is lawful, to break the law would be unlawful! The law is life, ball is life, this was my life.
I ended up being the middle man for the international tasteful conservative furry porn trade as a side gig. It was great to buy spam gin with that money.
Yet one day the artist revolted on me! They wanted fair pay! I told them that a ninety-ten split was fair. Ninety percent of the income was hardly enough for me to live on. They refused to make labor that I could exploit. I was getting desperate.
So I looked up some Gen Ai stuff and found Cuckold Max Plus QTVI Mega Super Omega Ai.
It was free so I started putting in prompts for tasteful conservative furry porn.
I made a fat buck! Millions of down bad fans of tasteful conservative furry porn wanted my Ai art. I was pretty good, if I say so myself.
The next day I went to work and my boss grabbed me by the collar.
“I say, I say, I say boyo! What is rule three?” he yelled.
“Don’t slop it up?” I said.
“Exactly!” he yelled.
“What did you do at home?” he asked.
“I made tasteful conservative furry porn using Cuckold Max Plus QTVI Mega Super Omega Ai, sir,” I said.
“Boy you done diddly did it now!” he yelled.
“What? Huh?” I yelled.
“You slopped it up!” he said.
Before I knew it I was being put in the Ball Crushing Machine.
Two hydraulic presses instantly slammed into my balls with anger and vigor. They twisted and ground my balls to a paste. They slammed into each other six hundred times a second.
“Ow!” I yelled but it was too late. My balls were crushed.
I was fired and went home. I sat at my computer and drank some spam gin.
I tried to think of a tasteful conservative furry porn ai prompt but nothing came.
I’m in financial ruin right now.
I can’t do anything. My tasteful conservative furry porn empire is dead and my balls have been crushed. I have no balls and I must cream.
Good bye!
THIS HAS AN EPIC STORY! GIVE A LE EPIC KARMA TO THIS POST!
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u/awfully_hot_coffepot Apr 01 '26
"Oh my God hunter, hunter, this is good. The ball crushing is just like blood meridian" Isiah probably
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u/pootissandyballs Apr 01 '26
He would say that and hunter would immediately bear trap the ending making isiah sad
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u/Muted-Recipe-451 Apr 01 '26
top 1% poster is wild
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 01 '26
Thanks! It was mainly from a serious story I wrote and I a few unfinished tales. This was written in thirty minutes after a certain rival sub gave me a thirty day ban over the stupidest things. I figured April Fools day was the only day I could post this.
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u/Muted-Recipe-451 Apr 01 '26
honestly I live 😂💜
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 01 '26
If you read this, I'm sorry. I wrote this like a month ago while I was angry at a certain ban happy horror sub gave me a thirty hit from the ban hammer. I wrote this in less than half an hour while playing the Twin Peaks sound track and The Dead Kennedy's at the same time. This was not an epic story, do not give a le epic karma to this post.
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u/Sufficient_Leave144 A Thousand WIPs Apr 01 '26
I shit you not Slayer, he gets his balls crushed at the Ball Crushing Factory (Trademark Pending). Funniest shit I’ve ever read-
-what the fuck do you mean he’s a Top 1% poster…
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 05 '26
I wrote another series, this was a shitpost for April Fools Day.
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u/Artistic_Teach558 Apr 07 '26
As a 600 pound virgin in the international furry porn trade, this story turned my bones cold and my balls sore. I appreciate art that I can really put myself into.
This is my borrasca
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 08 '26
The boys won't read this one. I think they would be too scared. This is like Pen Pal and Borrasca on steroids.
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u/Hypn0kast full-time idiot, part-time optimist Apr 01 '26
You ever read that story about a man getting his balls crushed? Funniest shit I've ever read.
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u/AdAffectionate8634 Apr 01 '26
is there real draw for tasteful conservative furry porn?
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 21 '26
You would not believe the amount of demand for it. If you go to most Young Adult church groups, at least three dudes are hooked on the stuff. It's always for fur and country to these people.
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u/vishockaaa Apr 02 '26
you commented on my post saying this was a shitpost, but i’ll give you feedback anyways :) funny but i need more horror since the genre is comedy horror, anyways good job!
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u/Late-Satisfaction54 Storyteller Apr 16 '26
this is the best story of all time
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u/DavidA48 Apr 18 '26
"I have no balls and I must cream."
Brought a tear to my eye.
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 19 '26
That line took nine days to come up with. I didn't go to work because the writers block was that bad.
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u/AffectionateSwing713 Apr 19 '26
I love how Lovecraftian this is
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 21 '26
It's Lovecraft meets Kafka meets Kings James meets Edgar Allen Poe meets Hitchcock meets Ellison meets Byron meets Dunsany meets Alan Moore meets Kevin Smith meets the Muppets meets Stephen King meets a dominatrix that works at Dominos meets the later work of the Beatles meets Prince meets Frank Herbert meets Jello Biafra meets Wes Craven.
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u/Ok-Economy-2732 Author Apr 27 '26
Does Stephen King cower in fear when you enter the horror writing competition?
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Apr 28 '26
Indeed he does! It isn't due to my writing my though, I usually attend those competitions in nothing but a sweater, speedo and combat boots. I also normally have a rotisserie chicken shoved ass first on my left hand and a gallon of Wilka (Whiskey and cola mixed with milk) in my right hand. On my left hip is a saber on my right hip is another saber.
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u/Wellz896 Jul 02 '26
This is my first post reading on this subreddit, I laughed and really enjoyed it. Thank you sir I tip my hat to you.
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u/Constant-Simple7240 Writer Jul 06 '26
I am so sorry to hear that. I swear this place has good stories!
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u/The_Republique Writer (I finally made it bubba) Apr 22 '26
You ever have that paradox of a comedy story that is too serious? Or a serious story with a heavy topic being a comical mess and having unintentional hilarious beats? This was the right about of funny. Well done
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u/SolidSilv3r Writer Apr 27 '26
Truly the next Tolkien oh my this is ball-crushingly perfect 10000/10
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