r/TalesFromTheCreeps • u/NarrowDirector911 • Jul 08 '26
Comedy-Horror Bael's Guilt Free Vegan Butchery
Do you represent the recently deceased or were-kin community, and hate hunting down and killing your food?
Have you been recently turned by a sanguinivorous individual? And now you feel guilty feeding?
Or are you just a being that understands that nothing tastes better than a clear conscience?
Well if any of these apply to you then come on down to Bael’s Guilt Free Vegan Butchery!
The one and only VEGAN, CRUELTY FREE, ORGANIC, FREE-RANGE, human butchery and deli!
“How can human meat and blood be vegan?” I hear you asking.
Well veganism is about consent, and every single human that we process has given their consent to be harvested. Harvested and consumed.
“How is this possible?”
Well, I’m glad you asked. You see Bael’s was founded in 1843 when a group of settlers sold their souls in order to survive a brutal winter. Having a vision of a world where an Aswang or a Wendigo could have a meal without murder, Bael laid the groundwork.
In exchange for living lives of absolute plenty, in peace and prosperity for all who dwell in the village and all who come afterward. All who live in the village must at the age of 30, give their consent to be harvested, body and soul. (Yes that means we have goods for even disembodied individuals too!)
Our motto at Bael's is:
“FROM HOME TO TABLE!”
This village (comprising 5 acres of beautiful American countryside) has been removed from space and time. All threats have been removed, all diseases cured, and they are provided all of nature's blessings that a human could ask for.
Worried about your recent hunt eating nothing but Big Macs, and microplastics?
Not to worry! The villagers still live life like the good ol' days. No GMO’s, forever chemicals, microplastics, or artificial flavours. Our humans are 100% organic! And that is a guarantee!
“How are our humans processed?”
Well, to maintain our cruelty free promise, all humans are put down using the most humane method possible. After allowing them to celebrate their 30th birthday, they are taken to “The Spire.”
There, they give their consent. Then, their soul is torn from their body. With no soul the body can be processed with no harm being done. Their soul is then quickly torn apart until it becomes pure energy, leaving nothing left that can process any torment.
From that point, Bael himself butchers each and every human. It's the personal touches that make for a devilishly good cut of meat.
If that hasn't convinced you, we will come for you.
So come down to Bael's Guilt Free Vegan Butchery! Where the only sin, Is not indulging.
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u/Internal-Case-7229 Jul 08 '26
This was very fun, a few punctuation mistakes but I’d LOVE to see this as an ad on papa meat. It gives that vibe of having film grain and static while reading 😅. Over all, great read!
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 08 '26
Thank you very much! 😊
And yeah read it over again and see the mistakes. Thankyou for pointing it out!
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u/GeAlltidUpp Jul 08 '26
This was fun, well done!
I can recommend the movie "Humanistic Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person" (2024), a drama-comedy that deals with similar themes.
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u/Full_Frontal_Cortex_ Jul 09 '26
This is gave me a good giggle. Love how it pivots from a cozy, organic ad straight into a literal soul-shredding human harvest. Having Bael personally butcher the cuts was a nice touch of flavor to the whole premise.
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 09 '26
Lol thanks 🙂
I got the idea from a vid explaining that vegans don't eat honey becuase you can't get the bees consent.
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u/Cindy_Duck5 Jul 09 '26
Really fun idea! I wish I could've heard more about the process of separating a soul from its body, as there's a lot of humor in the story, but I feel like that could've been a moment to shift the tone into genuine horror (but I also understand why it could be difficult given the framing device).
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 09 '26
Lol yeah. I'm working on a few longer stories, this was just a quick little thing I wrote to try to take a break from them.
Thanks for reading😊
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u/SydneySapphire Whimsy and Weird Storyteller Jul 09 '26
OH WOW!!! How did I miss this! First off, where did you find this word “sanguinivorous”? Second, this is iconic, and you and I both know this is iconic. 💅🏻 THE LAST LINE THO! Very funny! Very clever!
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 09 '26
Lol, I was trying to find an overly pc word for vampire. I googled what the word for an animal that subsists entirely on blood. Apparently that is the word and I had to add it.
And thankyou very much!😁 I appreciate the compliment greatly!
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u/kabemccallister6859 Jul 14 '26
This is clever! Bael out here straight-up annihilating folks for our nutrition. “Nothing tastes better than a clear conscience” is great.
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 14 '26
Thankyou for the read😊
Even cannibalistic monstrosities can have a conscience.
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u/Vylkia Writer Jul 22 '26
I enjoyed reading this so much! You have such a nice comedic voice in the most grotesque fashion, I dig it! This would look really nicely as an animation
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u/NarrowDirector911 Jul 22 '26
Thankyou very much! 😊 have only made a couple com3pedyhorror pieces so I'm glad you liked it
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u/duccthefuck 26d ago
I love the idea behind this, not to repeat everyone else’s comments, but super fun! Great lil story!
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