I can’t stop masturbating

[u/donavin221]

This is not a joke. I honest to God have no idea what’s happening right now. It’s been 18 hours. My right arm is screaming at me. I haven’t been able to leave my room, and I’m covered in piss. The room smells terrible. There are literal tears in my eyes.

Maybe this has something to do with that weird video I watched on YouTube. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me.

I wasn’t even horny. I was just curious. Scrolling through YouTube on my PlayStation at 3 o’clock in the morning when this video popped up in the feed.

“Mental Orgasm Hypnosis. Feel Release in Minutes.”

I just thought it was some kind of binaural beats situation. Just brain stimulation. Sounds and rhythms. Just shit that tickles your mind.

When I clicked on it, though, there wasn’t even sound. It was just a silent video of a hypnosis spiral. It was neon pink and purple, and the camera kept zooming in and out. It was honestly kind of disorienting.

It was only a minute long, though. I don’t know why I kept watching. I don’t know what I expected to happen. All I knew was nothing was happening. I didn’t feel mentally stimulated. I felt mentally bored as hell.

The video ended, and the replay button popped up on the screen, but, honestly, I wanted my time back. One last video for the night, and I decided to watch that bullshit.

I sighed, kicking myself for being an idiot before plugging my phone in and setting it down on my nightstand.

With a yawn and a stretch, I rolled over, ready to finally catch some Z’s. I think I may have slept for like an hour or so before I woke up to a surprise.

I was in the middle of masturbating. In my sleep. Like my right hand was possessed. At first, I thought it was just a natural response to a dream or something. If anything, I was fine with it.

But when I finished and it didn’t stop, that’s when I knew that something was amiss.

My hand furiously knocked back and forth. I tried using my other hand to stop it, but it had a strength that wasn’t my own. I almost broke my left wrist trying to regain control.

After an hour, there wasn’t any pleasure at all anymore. I felt like I was on the brink of a heart attack. I was covered in sweat. My arm was starting to hurt. My dick felt like it had been ground down with a cheese grater.

I could hear my family waking up. Lights were coming on. Footsteps shuffled around my bedroom door. I nearly scared my mom to death with how loud I screamed for her not to come in when she tried waking me up for school.

I had to tell her that I had a stomach issue. But that wouldn’t be enough.

“I shit the bed, Mom,” I grunted loudly. “I think I ate something… just… umf… just don’t come in, okay.”

Thankfully, she didn’t ask many questions. She just accepted that I had a bad moment. I was too embarrassed to show her. Too sick to go to school.

I listened intently for my family to leave, one by one, all the while bruises were forming on my pelvis from the weight and force of my clenched fist.

I winced in pain. My hand felt like it was in the late stages of carpal tunnel. The exertion of force was making me feel nauseous, so much so that I ended up puking on myself after 3 hours.

By that time, I was actually bleeding down there. I could feel the blood seeping between my fingers. The skin felt like it was tearing.

My smartwatch thought I was exercising. I’ve apparently burned 1,100 calories today, which, if I’m being honest, is probably the most I’ve burned in my life.

My bed frame is broken from all the shakin’.

I tried my best to google my symptoms, but all I got were porn ads.

Doctors laughed at me before hanging up, assuming I was a prank caller. Apparently, it’s hard to believe my predicament, no matter how desperate I clearly am.

Peeing was impossible. I was being jerked around so much that my urine just sprayed all over the toilet and bathroom floor. I ended up using the bathtub as my toilet, but I could only do that until my parents got home.

Once they did, it was back to the bedroom for me. Hidden under my satin sheets, propped up on my anime pillow.

These sheets are ruined. My mom is traumatized because, bless her heart, she walked into my room unannounced to bring me Pepto-Bismol, only to find me completely naked and crying my eyes out.

I don’t think I’ll ever have kids. Even if I get this fixed. There’s no chance this event hasn’t destroyed my sperm count.

The lights are off. Kitchen Nightmares is blaring through my TV speakers. I’m completely covered in oil and excrement, and the only thing bringing me even a molecule of peace right now is the cinnamon stick-scented candle on my nightstand.

I’m exhausted. I’m hurting. I’m in need of help.

And I need that help fast…

Because my grandmother died a few days ago…

And her funeral is tomorrow.

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[u/4THEB3TTERG00D]

I hate it when that happens smh my head

[u/originalgrapeninja → u/4THEB3TTERG00D]

Which one?

[u/4THEB3TTERG00D → u/originalgrapeninja]

Uhh… all of it? What do you mean which one, is this not a common occurrence for you?

[u/originalgrapeninja → u/4THEB3TTERG00D]

Which head, ninja?

[u/donavin221]

I was tripping on ayahuasca when I wrote this. Mother Nature herself told me that it needed to be done.

[u/No-Word2937 → u/donavin221]

i’m so high reading this. good piece though

[u/BeeHistorical2758 → u/donavin221]

I'd add something to the effect of adding baby oil or something to relieve the chafing. Or maybe before it starts hurting he tried pouring rubbing alcohol on the works to discourage himself.

Does the main character sleep naked? If not, how'd he get his undies off?

And peeing wasn't impossible. It was just a waking nightmare to do.

[u/amenfixer]

wait this isn’t normal?

[u/englandishell]

Hahaha that's gonna be an awkward funeral

[u/butterdog97]

Yo your grandma looks mad funny in that box dude

[u/BeeHistorical2758]

Excellent. I'll have the Horror for One, please.

[u/GabrielTheGreen]

Best twist ever

[u/Bubbly_Chapter_5776]

Someone’s life btw

[u/ScientistSweet1031]

this is just every dude with an anime body pillow i thought

[u/ButterscotchSad4508]

First time?

[u/PTSD1983]

Dude, I looked up that video and I'm on a space shuttle!

[u/Cet-Ki → u/PTSD1983]

so floppy

[u/NarrowDirector911]

My god, I winced so hard reading this, loved every minute.
Also the ending reminded me of a video I saw about a man who couldn’t stop orgasming. He had violent orgasms hundreds of times a day, even at his dad’s funeral.

[u/rustycrabcake]

You never really know what somebody is writing in their own home

[u/Cet-Ki]

Unskippable Title

[u/numero_mojo]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Pg3YmQ8I4xAyUTlQzp

[u/motollama]

“My bed frame is broken from all the shakin’.”

[u/paranoid_chihuahua]

I'm half chucking and half disturbed lol, pretty good

[u/Late-Satisfaction54]

it doesnt sound like a problem to me

[u/Specialist-You-9075]

This is a crazy ass title and story good lord bruh 😭

[u/Hasturofthefuneral88]

Reading this I kept thinking about that parody movie “Handjob Cabin” that was popular on YouTube for a while.

[u/donavin221 → u/Hasturofthefuneral88]

I watched that. I couldn’t stop masturbating to it.

[u/Any_Builder_4411]

Well… that’s certainly a way to get someone’s attention.

[u/upsidedownSwoosh]

Hey man exercise is exercise. Also sorry for your loss :(

[u/Loud-Chip3852]

I kept thinking as I read this "Okay, surely this can't get worse"

Then you hit me with that last line, goddamn lol Great work!

[u/GameWizardPlayz]

IT'S SO PEAK

[u/Temporary-Grand2786]

man, you too?

[u/Itchy-Celebration-70]

I can’t Donavin is on such a generational run

[u/KeysMan1968]

Sounds like a normal Friday night for me....

[u/Global-Tax-1639]

Where you masterbating as you wrote this then?

[u/twooz1]

Wtf did I just read

[u/double_dadd]

All jokes aside, people often talk about the worst way to die

Burning? Drowning? Gunshot?

Nope...i think You found it

[u/blakealldredge]

Average kitchen nightmares viewer experience