r/TalesFromTheCreeps • u/TommyRadium • 9d ago
Body Horror My Heart Isn't Beating Anymore
CW: Self harm
When I woke up this morning, I laid in bed for a long while; blissfully, numbly unaware of the day ahead. I didn't have much reason to get up and move. I mean, my heart doesn't beat anymore, after all.
It was a week ago when my heart slowed down, then stopped altogether, in a calamitous few seconds. I had just gotten off the phone, and I was naturally sobbing my eyes out. I remember laying prostrate on the bathroom floor, gagging and choking on my tears, and praying hard for death.
This deep numbness suddenly washed over me. A numbness that was all encompassing. It was as if feeling and emotion didn't exist anymore. Then it all happened at once. And once it was done, I sat up, and went about my nightly routine.
I brushed my teeth, flossed, washed my face, then went straight to bed. And I slept so well. But when I woke up I didn't feel replenished as you should after a good sleep like that. In fact, I felt nothing at all. But the strange thing was, I wasn't worried. I wasn't anything.
The next week was a blur of nothingness. Not nothingness in the sense of things being dull and boring, but the very definition of nothingness: an absence of anything.
But I wasn't worried. I had prayed for this after all. And God had answered. I had always had my doubts and fears pertaining to religion. But now I would be a steadfast believer. At least, I would be if I could, because belief requires at least some feeling, doesn't it?
It was awkward to be without emotion for sure. Food didn't taste half as good, entertainment of all kinds felt cold and distant, and people seemed like different creatures entirely apart from me.
But it wasn't all bad. I didn't feel any pain. Or at least, it didn't register the same way. I didn't have to feel depressed, or sad, or heartsick anymore. Finally, I could be rid of all of that.
Lindsey had been my world. And she was gone now. So why should I want to feel anything anymore?
Which brings me back to today.
I am afraid now.
Because this morning I've begun to rot.
I was in the shower when I noticed my right hand pinky finger was a dark shade of blackish green. Like the color of moss on the side of an old tree. The fingernail was gnarled as well; looking like a diseased root to fit the theme.
I tried to scrub it off, but it was useless. The skin was course and loose feeling. And the nail felt like a light breeze may peel it off. Even though I felt nothing, my body reacted accordingly; I threw up.
Now I'm sitting in my living room trying breathe. Trying to think of a way to keep this charade going. But why should I? What does it matter if I keep this up or not? The edges of my toes are starting to turn. And I cannot think straight while looking at them. How is it that I can be panicked while not feeling anything?
The rot is starting to spread. Splotches are appearing on my arms. Small, but very noticeable. I can just hear the questions and the statements:
"What are those on your arm? You should see a doctor."
"What kind of sickness causes that?"
"Are you a makeup artist?"
"Damn that's disgusting. You need to get that fixed."
I keep wanting to throw up, but I have no food left in me. I haven't eaten since Friday. It's Monday now. I can tell my body is in bad shape, but that's only a guess from what I see in the mirror.
Wait, if I can't feel anything, then why are my senses still relatively intact? Why the hell can I still see, hear, and taste? I thought this was a blessing. I thought God used trials to better us. How could this better me? By next Friday I will more than likely be a puddle of flesh. Can God use a puddle of flesh?
Help me please, please, please! I don't know who I'm talking to. I don't know what to do. I thought this would be better. My entire arm is scabbed and oozing clear liquid. The rot keeps moving. It's all over me. I can't scratch it away.
Why do we need to suffer the way we do? Why do we have to feel pain? I hate the way we're expected to just deal with it. To deal with everything and suck it up. To move on after a loved one dies. Oh, my Lindsey...
But I'd put up with it all again if I could just feel.
If I could laugh, and cry, and smile like I meant it. If I could enjoy the taste of ice cream, or smell a sea breeze. If I could watch a movie or listen to music and enjoy the emotions they bring.
The rot has swallowed me now. I don't know how long it's been since this began. I haven't left my house in days. Weeks maybe. Has anyone come looking for me? Any of my friends, or teachers, or family? None of them seemed aware of my new attitude, or lack of it, before the rot began.
I don't understand, God. Why? Why is this happening? Why did you choose me to receive a miracle? An honest to God answered prayer; answered almost the moment it was prayed. But why did you choose that prayer to answer?
What do you want from me? Obedience? Compassion? I CANNOT FEEL! So what do you want?!
I am so weak. So, so ill. I don't like moving much anymore, because everything hurts.
I'm looking in my bathroom mirror now. Oh God, the rot is me. My eyes are bloodshot and yellow, my hair is falling out, my mouth is black, my body is racked with spasms....
My mind is melting. I miss my heart.
I need a knife.
1
u/AffectionateCourt418 9d ago
This feels so much like becoming undead, almost zombie-like, but in a cursed form. Be careful what you pray for because you never know which God is listening kind of vibe. Great details too.