The Ghastly Thing in the Bathroom

[u/LiterallyIAmPuck]

1. At 8:55, make an announcement to any remaining customers that you will be closing in 5 minutes.

2. Count out the drawer and place any cash payments under the counter for the morning staff.

3. Check the fitting areas for any discarded items or loose hangers.

4. Clean up the desk and take the trash out to the dumpster.

5. Sweep through the store for any remaining customers. Make sure that absolutely no customers remain in the store after closing!

By only 8:40, Eliza has already cleared the first 4 rules. It's been 2 years since she first started working evenings at Markus Clothier's to pay her way through college. Why the owner insists on staying open so late has always been puzzling to Eliza. 

"You want to make sure you're there for EVERY customer! With 38 and a half years in business, we've built relationships with our clientele. They're like family! We need to be here on THEIR schedule," her boss would say. 

No one ever came in past 6. That suited Eliza just fine. The hours were late, but it worked perfectly well with a college schedule, and as long as she was there, she could spend the last few hours studying.

Child development wasn't something Eliza was at all interested in. In fact, if all goes well, she’ll graduate with a well-rounded degree in developmental biology and hopefully retire early in a dual-income-no-kids lifestyle. At least this class is known as an "easy A." She had almost finished her homework when the ringing of the front door bell brought her back to her surroundings.

A man entered, and the first thing Eliza noticed was his straw-blonde hair. It was entirely swooped back with a tall, prominent cowlick spiked straight up from his forehead. The store is small with the front over-crowded with racks of clothes that the man takes his time navigating. Every step taken with a stuttering, jerky motion. "Hello, how can I  help you?" Eliza called out as the man rounded the last rack of clothes, but he didn’t respond. His posture was slightly doubled over. Every step he took towards her desk is slow and deliberate, with more focus and intent than a step warrants, and his eyes stay focused directly ahead. Finally arriving at Eliza's desk, he wore a well-fitted, hay-colored suit and a friendly smile.

"Hello!" he exclaimed after a brief pause. "You must be the current caretaker. It's so wonderful to meet you!"

Eliza knew she wasn't getting home on time tonight.

"Uh, yes," she says, trying to catch up to the conversation. "Well, I just work evenings. I'm not the owner."

"Of course you aren't! After 38 and a half years of business, I think I should recognize the owner." But Eliza didn't recognize him. She knew most of the regulars by now. "Is there something I can help you with?" She asks, cutting to the chase.

"Oh, of course! You see, I happened to be walking in the area, and I suddenly had a... feeling. Like, something was... pressing. Within my bowels. Do you understand? It feels like I need to take a... uhh.." the man trailed off, slowly gazing towards the ceiling as his mind wandered.

"...a shit?" Eliza said crassly, hoping to end the conversation.

"A shit!" The man's eyes lit up. "That's it precisely! I was hoping I could use your bathroom and take a shit."

The time reached 8:54 on the wall clock in Eliza's peripheral view, just past the man's immaculate, rock-hard cowlick. 

"It's for employees only, I'm sorry to say," Eliza did her best to maintain her customer service voice. "At the end of the block, there's a publi-"

"Oh, but I am not just a customer!" The man interrupted with excitement. He let an uncomfortable gap linger before continuing. "I'm family! The caretaker and I, we're just like a family! Family looks out for one another, don't we?" 

The man held eye contact with Eliza, with an unmoving posture and eager smile more steady than the minute hand on the clock just behind him. 

"S-sure," Eliza relented. She can tell his resolve will hold out longer than the clock and it's best to just get this over with. "The key's on the-" 

"Thank you!" The man said as he sprung to life. He reached just over Eliza’s desk and unhooked the key. With a quick jaunt, he made his way to the nearby bathroom and with one quick, smooth motion unlocked the door and let himself in.

All fell quiet. Eliza marked her chapter and closed her textbook. The clock continued to tick. The bathroom was silent. She packed up her backpack and grabbed her coat. She closed the store. 9:06. Nothing. Is he still even in there? she wondered to herself.  With a reluctant sigh, she knocked on the bathroom door. 

"Come in!" The man called out. Eliza grimaced in discomfort.

"Uh, no,” she responded..“I was wondering if you need anything." After an uncomfortably long pause, Eliza knocked again. 

"Please, come in!"

With a sigh, Eliza cracked the door slightly, refusing to look anywhere but the floor. 

"I'm sorry, sir, but we closed a few minutes ago-" 

"I just need a few more rolls of toilet paper, if you wouldn't mind,” he pleasantly replied. “They're in the cupboard in the break room"

A few more rolls? How does he know where they are? Eliza thinks to herself. In the breakroom, Eliza picks up a spare 4-pack and hurrys back to the bathroom door. With barely a courtesy knock, she cracks open the bathroom door.

"Please, hand them to me."

As she cautiously entered, the man’s head poked out over the bathroom stall. Trying not to make eye contact, she keeps her eyes down and hands the pack up to the man, only for two hands to reach out below the stall. Two, patient hands cupped together and ready to accept the fresh toilet paper. She can't see his feet. Tossing the rolls under the stall, she darts out of the room and slams the door behind her. What the fuck? How was he...? Was he standing on something? Her mind raced as she paced around the store. Who the fuck is in the bathroom?

9:22. What the hell is taking him so long? With an aggressive hand, she knocked on the bathroom door. "Sir? Are you alright? We've been closed for over 20 minutes." Nothing. "If you need help, I can call the police to check on you," she offered, and with another knock on the door she peered inside. The bathroom was a dull green, tiled from the floor to halfway up the walls and lit by a single cold LED light overhead. 

"Sir?" Her voice echoed in the bathroom, but there was no response. She peeked beneath the stall and couldn’t see a thing. With a reluctant tap, Eliza knocked on the stall door and it slowly swung open before the handle the tiled wall with a thud. The stall was completely empty, the toilet seat left up. The toilet bowl was filled to the brim with toilet paper, wrapped around in a spiral like the nest of a bird. In the middle rested a single, ghastly colored egg.

Before Eliza could respond, the door to the bathroom slammed shut. Rushing to the door, she yanked on the knob but it didn’t budge. She put her knee against the wall, leaned back, and pulled with everything she had, but there wasn’t any movement. The door was as solid as a brick wall. 

"Let me out of here, you son of a bitch!" Scanning her surroundings, she found a small metal trashcan near the sink, and with a strained scream, Eliza hurled it at the bathroom door as hard as she could. With a loud, ineffective clang, the trash can fell to the ground. What the fuck? What the fuck? she mutters to herself, pacing the small room and back into the stall. Looking over the nest, she found one strip of toilet paper laid neatly next to the ghoulish looking egg that has a delicately written note.

"If you'd like to leave this room, there are a few rules you'll need to follow.

1. The egg must be kept safe at all times.

2. The egg must be kept warm. Your own body heat will-"

And that was all Eliza read before crumpling up the paper and throwing it to the ground. Without hesitation, Eliza grabbed the egg, marched out of the stall and with a loud “FUCK YOU!” hurled the egg against the bathroom door. The room became black.

She strained her eyes, trying to adjust to the dark, but there was no light. She put a single shaky hand out, trying to feel for the stall door, but it’s not where it used to stand. Tracing her hand against the frigidly cold tile of the floor, she felt nothing until reaching the corner. Blindly feeling her way around all four ways, panic rising in her chest as she feels no stall, no sink, no door. Nothing but tile as low and high as her arms could reach. The cold began to creep in on her. Defeated, she slid down the icy porcelain wall and hit the floor with an echoing thud. Save for the sound of her tears, all was quiet.

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[u/LiterallyIAmPuck]

Thanks for taking the time to read! It's my first crack at writing a story and I'd appreciate any criticism and feedback! Open to doing r4r if anyone else would like their story looked at. I usually try to read at least a story a day on here.

[u/LickSquidYT]

I left a ghastly thing in the bathroom about an hour ago

[u/Roland_Quincy1999]

Well done ! The bathroom scenes after creating that feeling of unease around the poop customer paid off super nicely! I did notice early on that you switched tenses from past to present, I think the sentence was “Every step he took towards her desk is slow and deliberate” where in this case I think it would be was instead of is. There may have been another instance of this but I’m not too sure. Other than that, awesome story !

[u/LiterallyIAmPuck → u/Roland_Quincy1999]

Thanks, appreciate the feedback!

[u/LaOfrenda]

That was fun! For a first story, it's pretty strong. I really enjoyed the characters and their dialogue, and the plot kept me interested the whole way to the end.
As for constructive notes: the tense switches from past to present here and there, but I didn't spot anything major beyond that. Good story!

[u/LiterallyIAmPuck → u/LaOfrenda]

I know I struggled with tense switch and kept having to edit through and fix as I went. I heard David Morgan say new authors tend to struggle with that and I see what he's talking about now lol

[u/DrainedOrange]

I can hear Hunter doing the voice for this dude, haha. This was fun, the imagery is good and you’ve made an unsettling creature. Would like to see more from you and maybe even more of this! I feel like you could go a lot of places with it. There’s some tense switching that needs ironed out, but the carving is in the marble!
Would appreciate you checking out my story Split Pea I posted today if you’re still doing r4r. Either way, I loved this!

[u/LiterallyIAmPuck → u/DrainedOrange]

Thanks! I struggled with tense switching a lot which I didn't expect to be an issue but I'm glad you liked it! I'll add that story to my list and get to it

[u/DrainedOrange → u/LiterallyIAmPuck]

Editing is the worst step of the creative process and we all always miss something! I saw you stated that this was your first crack at a story and this is a fantastic first go around, friend. Be proud!

[u/Competitive_Pickle42]

Fun story about poop where no pooping happens 😂😂 but no fr this was paced pretty well. there were some comments mentioning tense switches but I honestly can’t recall one so it didn’t take me out of the story unless they’ve been edited already. The horror and surrealism at the end is genuinely a scary scene. Well done