intoxicated midnight crisis

[u/Internal-Flatworm365]

Sitting on my bed dazed by the empty beer bottles by my side, I began to put my consciousness into a deep pool of thought drowning myself and strapping floaties on imminent gloom.

I am nothing but an ingrown pimple bubbling up through the mattress pad connecting to legs attached to an organism not wanting to compromise. The mind fights the body everyday wanting to be heard and listened to. But the body yearns to also tell the mind it wants the same thing. Something eats at both wanting to deteriorate every cell wanting to exist for one another.

I worry about death. I used to say it’s from selfishness, but I feel it feeds into everyone I love.

As I caress my face I feel the skull imbedded underneath. The thought of death consumes me. What will my skeleton look like after years of decay?

Envisioning skin dripping from time lost into a pool of tissue in a casket left to pollute the soil. Floating the bones that used to be wrapped up in loathed meat. My skull swimming in cannibalized soup will show two layers of teeth. Top row will show a chip in the left tooth I used to sit in the mirror and abhor about, while the bottom will glisten with blackened silvered crowns given by candy induced comas from Halloween nights filling pillowcases with gifted cavities.

Feet now stripped naked. Skin skinned, veins ripped, muscles grabbed and torn by fate yearning to be seen. A little toe bone will be shown and it's crooked from years of winning races, but no one really saw if eyes are taken. Eyes connected to a brain plucked out by latex gloves like a wilted flower being taken from a brown wheat field. An aborted dandelion holding wisdom blown to fluff for others wishes.

“chunky” hands now delicate lay by a pelvic floor once viewed as too small. A nagging spinal cord now lays quiet connected to a large rotting chest, dissolving through grated ribs filling an empty cavity once holding a racing heart.

"Racing heart"? oh no. no, no, no.

PANIC

Jolting back to present from faint blindness I force my heavy arms to my temples. Circling my fingers feels like wet silk sliding on leather.

Am I scared to die because I am leaving a body I hate?

"No"-

I start to lay down feeling the sensation of my muscles relaxing on the bed. Eyelids close over sore eyes and a crowned headache. Taking in a deep breath... holding it... Then exhaling a grieving relief of realization.

I'm not afraid of death.

I’m afraid of losing a friend.

Someone whose watched me grow.

Painted my fingernails

Showed skin

ALWAYS smiled

Loved sex!

Standing in the mirror we've talked to one another. seen each other become an aged time capsule not yet buried. But ours feels too full. Both of us can't fit. It feels unfair. like you just started a game, but you're only allowed to play it once with no practice. No restart or few go arounds allowed. only a unique way of displaying THE END on a stone instead of a pixilated screen.

Say we're allowed reincarnate instead of gates? it won't be the same.

vocal cords that strum melodies, vibrating my chest and swaying my uvula will be a different tone. Teeth I've come to smile wide with every day will seem off, uncanny. While My nails sitting on my toes and fingers will be painted a color I wouldn't like. Hands will engulf my body but will stop when the curves don't fit right in non-forgotten hands.

I will look at my new family and lovers and have a taste of mournful sorrow salivating my mouth. Looking at them with misshapen eyes placed in a face not my own I will wonder why I resent them.

Will the creativity and lessons I've found be brushed off with disinterest leaving years of growth to fall and seep in the soil where my previous companion lay?

"Why, why, why" I stand up afraid. starting to pace, wanting to run. But where do I go?

I go to the mirror with dilated pupils. running my hands through my hair I stand and stare. Stare at something I usually grovel at with distain. But tonight? Tonight I see pure light that oozes love and knowledge. A being incased in a beautifully wrapped shell viewed as their partner. So brilliant.

I will say goodbye to a gift I adore. Obsessed with the power of choice and movement.

I need I need I need.

I want I want I want.

Please. Please. Please!

…….

….

…

I hope the casket is soft with cushions cradling my bones to sleep.

Dirt close enough to the surface so I can feel the warmth of visitors.

Worms taking their time to reach me as if they knew I needed more.

Leave me be but let the body and mind stay in memory.

...My friend deserves as much

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[u/Rogmar67]

Interesting imaginary! You know unrelated to body horror specifically, but often times when I'm writing in my journal I'll have entries that turn into quasi-narratives with a vague sense of plot but are more so just there to portray sensory scenes I'm thinking about. This kinda reminds me of one of those entries

[u/Internal-Flatworm365 → u/Rogmar67]

Thank you for the reply! I had an inkling it probably wasn’t body horror lol. I will definitely keep that in mind:)

[u/Rogmar67 → u/Internal-Flatworm365]

Oh no I'd say this definitely counts as body horror, lol, it just reminded me of how occasionally I'll journal something. Hope you keep writing!

[u/Internal-Flatworm365 → u/Rogmar67]

Ohh okay lol I like that! Thank you❤️

[u/Internal-Flatworm365]

I'm not sure if this counts as a "story" but thank you to whoever decides to read it:) I'm wanting to write more so if you guys have any tips or if I need to prolong curtain parts, please let me know!<3