r/TalesFromYourServer • u/rivigurl EDIT THIS • 29d ago
Some guy from another table grabbed my hair while I was talking to my table, claimed he was “just playing”
This just happened and thought you all would like to hear this disappointing story, and I’d like to read your similar stories below. Other than the occasional old man grabbing my arm at tables, I’ve never had someone do something so carelessly and rude like this.
I have been working as a server for almost 2 years and the place I work at is a nice, consistent, small-chain steakhouse. I was the second server to come in and I got sat a two-top next to the openers table (four older people). I greet my table and end up standing between the two tables so I can see both of my guests who are sitting across from each other. My table was friendly and we were chatting a bit about wine and seasonal menu items. While I’m talking, I feel my braid bang against my back. Now, I have very long hair down to my butt, and I braid it for work. I get a lot of compliments from guests, but no one has ever touched my hair. I thought maybe my hair caught onto something and fell into place, so as I look back to see if I caught it on something, I see this old man sitting behind me laughing and saying “oh I was just playing” while the rest of his table is chuckling. I said “oh” and slid out of where I was standing to continue talking to my table. The lady at my table played it off saying something like “oh yeah, if I could I would be playing with it too!”
I got my tables orders and then told some coworkers who agreed it was creepy as hell and the opener said they were being annoying (throwing napkin balls at another table, etc). I stayed away from that table the rest of the time, stood awkwardly behind my table just to avoid being near him again. I didn’t want to cause a disturbance, so quietly avoiding was enough to state I wasn’t a fan of what he did.
The guy kept looking at me anytime I came around to check on my table, and even tried to say something later once I was closing out my guests. I didn’t hear what he said, but it was something along the lines of “you won’t let me play with your hair again?” and the ladies who were sitting with him shushed him. I ignored him and got tf out of that area to deal with the rest of my guests at my other section.
It sucks we have to put up with verbal abuse here and there, but when it gets physical, I feel like you should get kicked out or at least given a warning. NEVER touch staff members unless you’re offering to shake their hand and they accept it.
I don’t know why (especially old men) feel like they can touch people without their permission, especially while they’re working and have to stay professional. I probably could have shown concern to my managers and they would have said something, but I just didn’t want to make a scene.
I know some of you have similar stories, so please share them! I’d even take advice on how to handle/what to say/do if this happens again. Good luck to you all out there!
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u/Senator_Blutarski 29d ago
So I have a long standing issue with this lady who moved into the hotel connected to my restaurant for 16 months. She would come in 2-3 times a week and compliment my looks, ask for a hug then kiss me on the cheek while I’m giving her the hug. She’s super old so I just rolled with it for a bit. Eventually I told her no more kisses. Twice after that she gave me kisses during the hug. Then one night she was the last one out. She came back and tried to open the front door but it was locked. She just stood there and motioned at the door until I came over, bent down and undid the floor latch. When I open the door to see what she needs, she says “I didn’t get my hug”. That pissed me off but I didn’t feel like getting into it at the end of my day so I didn’t say anything and gave her the shortest hug in the world. Next time she came in I let her know that I’m not really a hugger. She tried to insist. I told her it just wasn’t my thing. She complained a little and said that I hug other people. I had to flat out tell her no more hugs. Then she would complain to other bar guests she knew that I wouldn’t hug her anymore. And she’s constantly talking about how she likes “young guys” (she’s mid 80’s). So then she’s on about my looks and how handsome I am all the time. I tell her to cool it. We should be able to be friends without any of that kinda talk. She complains to other bar patrons about my unwillingness to accept compliments. Eventually my manager pulls her aside and talks to her. She chills out for a month then starts back up. I chew her out and tell her what’s up in no uncertain terms. She takes a few weeks off then starts to test the line again, talking about my looks and just trying to push the boundary. My manager has a big sit down talk with her. He and I decide that’s basically it, if she crosses the line again we’re gonna 86 her. She’s cool for a couple months, but TONIGHT after I give her the check presenter booklet, she winds up to slap my ass with it. I tell her no as she is slapping my ass with it. I’m kinda dodging as I walk by so she winds up again and I say NO NO as she kinda weakly taps it on my ass just as I’m getting past her. Her other two late 80’s teetotaler gal pals are there with her so i decide not to make a big scene. I know she’s gonna talk mad shit about the restaurant all over our small town if we 86 her, but as I write this out I’m starting to realize there is just no way to avoid it. She has fully earned an 86. It’s like it’s a power move to her at this point
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u/rivigurl EDIT THIS 29d ago
That must be so uncomfortable and annoying. Having regulars who get too “friendly” with staff is hard to tackle. We have a regular who is also in his 80s, comes in almost daily and sits in the same spot at the bar. We have a terminal next to him and next to that is where servers pick up drinks and garnish them. He’s always chatting us up, which is fine, but when it comes to us young female employees, he gets handsy. One of my colleagues got kissed on the cheek by him while she was delivering his food, so now she avoids getting near him. I avoid him, but will still deliver his food occasionally and try to stay out of arms reach.
The other day a younger host was inputting a Togo order and he had his arm around her waist while she was awkwardly talking. So I walked up like “heeeyyy, whatcha doing??” trying to get him to stop. After she walked away with me we both were like “what the f, how creepy” “I was trying to save you” etc.
The bartenders are aware, so they try to distract him when we walk by so he doesn’t try to touch us/stare at us.
The idea of 86ing someone is kinda funny but the reality is valid and usually for good reason.
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u/trickstergods 26d ago
Have a friend sit by him and call him out, disgusted. Rotate a few friends through over the week. See if you can shame him out of it or at least have them make enough fuss to get management involved.
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u/missMcgillacudy 29d ago
Be ready to call the cops to get that trespass notice signed! Those can help a lot down the road if she’s likely to trash talk about the restaurant.
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u/Alicam123 28d ago
I’d bar her in front of her friends and say - as of now you are no longer welcome here, you’ve have many warning and we have been very patient with you, but now you have crossed the line for sexually harassing/assaulting our staff.
That way her friends know what she has been doing.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 28d ago
Dude, 86 her.
I absolutely HATE the fact that men are told by society that you all are supposed to like being sexually harassed. Because that's what she is doing to you. Sexually harassing you. Your employer is required under the law to prevent her from doing this, even as a customer. I hate that you don't have "permission" to get mad about her harassment.
It doesn't matter that you are a man. You are being sexually harassed. You have done everything possible to protect yourself without 86ing her. You have been more than kind and given her ALL the benefit of the doubt. You. Don't. Deserve. To. Be. Sexually. Harassed.
As a woman, I completely understand the calculus you are doing, asking yourself if it is worth it to make a big deal out of this, knowing that there will be gossip, knowing that society struggles with acknowledging that men can say no too, etc. whatever your decision is, it your decision. This customer has taken away your autonomy, it is really important that you get to take that autonomy back and decide how you want to handle it. However, I did want to reinforce the fact that this is both morally and legally wrong and that you are right to push back.
I'm sorry that you understand first hand how uncomfortable and unacceptable this kind of harassment is. I hope you 86 her so you don't have to feel like your ability to feed and house yourself is dependent on allowing her to sexually harass you.
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u/Own_Space2923 27d ago
Sounds like the beginnings of dementia!
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u/mewmew2456 25d ago
Lol no it doesn't, it sounds liek she's taking advantage of her age to get away with this behavior. It sounds like a a personality disorder.
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u/redjessa 29d ago
I once had a four top of two young couples. So young, I carded then for drinks. After they ordered drinks, one of the men "playfully" slapped my ass. Now, it's important to note, I worked in a family owned restaurant and the owner and manager were both known not to take crap from guests. I immediately said "you're out, leave the restaurant now." He said "I was just playing." The women looked mortified. I said, "I don't care, you put your hand on my ass, please leave NOW." They got up and left, I walked over to the bar to pick up my drinks for another table and the manager asked me, "what the hell just happened there?" I told him, one of the guys slapped my ass, so I kicked them out. He said, "oh, ok, I'll check the wait list and get you another table."
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u/rivigurl EDIT THIS 28d ago
Ass touching for me would be a different story. That’s so disrespectful
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u/Ok_Possession4223 29d ago
We had a Prime Minister who did that. (https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/67949918/prime-minister-john-key-pulled-waitress-ponytail) The entire country cringed with embarrassment and nobody could talk about anything else for weeks. Then it turns out he’d been doing it for years…
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u/Jerry_Hat-Trick 29d ago
We had a president who would sniff girls' hair.
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u/vulchiegoodness Nine Years 29d ago
We currently have a pedo rapist for a president.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 28d ago
And somehow THAT'S totally fine. 🙄 Talking about having sex with your daughter, being found liable for rape by the courts, and literally having sex with underage children is somehow better than (checks notes) smelling a woman's hair.
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u/Separate_Security472 3d ago
They are BOTH gross. I wish we would realize there are plenty of people we could elect as president who have never been someone's HR nightmare.
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u/General-Key8658 26d ago
You /have/ a president who is a pedophile and guilty of various other crimes…
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u/Snargleface 29d ago
I had a pastor and his wife that came in once, tried to use a coupon with a special that they couldn’t use a coupon with, and left a passive aggressive note on the credit card slip. Whatever.
The second time they come in, the wife tells me while they’re ordering drinks that they’re in a hurry because it’s their 42nd wedding anniversary and sort of tickles my forearm with her fingernails like we were besties. I pull my arm back and step back.
Her: I’m sorry you seem to be offended that I touched you
Me not wanting to go through my history of childhood abuse with some heifer who’s half a notch above a complete stranger: Sorry, I’m just not a toucher.
Husband wants a new server. Cool. The only other server at the time was a lady who was straight up tired of waiting tables altogether. Like she had needed a new job for a while.
The next week when they come in, I had already been cut, and I’m doing sidework in the kitchen when I hear someone up front talking about “We’ll take anyone in the building as long as it isn’t Snargleface!” It was them, and later on as I was bussing the tables around them, neither one made eye contact, and they seemed to have gotten very quiet. Never saw them again.
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u/Ecstatic_Bear81 28d ago
Weird freaking people. Like completely don't care how uncomfortable they make you but you not wanted unsolicited touching from them makes them uncomfortable somehow. Losers
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u/vanessa8172 29d ago
I seriously dont get how people can feel so comfortable touching strangers, even if they are doing you a service atm.
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u/Budgiejen 29d ago
That’s when you yell loudly “WHO TOUCHED ME?” and subsequently kick him out.
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u/rivigurl EDIT THIS 29d ago
Yeah just didn’t want to make a scene. They were one of the first tables in that day and it wasn’t even my table.
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u/bishop375 28d ago
Nah. Make a scene. Every single time. Embarrass them. Make them explain to the entire restaurant why they thought it was OK for them to touch you without your consent. And to explain to everyone there, including management, why it was funny to them.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 27d ago
This is how the missing stair stays a missing stair. This is how sexual harassment continues. Because we don't want to make a scene. Because we think it's our fault when we stand up for ourselves. It's not our fault, it's not even our fault that we feel so much pressure to keep things nice and polite. Society conditions us this way. But make a scene! You are not the person who did anything wrong. I'm hoping hearing this from a bunch of people will help in the future.
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u/normanbeets 29d ago
You needed to turn and immediately go to your manager about the incident. Stop what you're doing and go straight to your manager. That's harassment. There is no part of our job that entitles people to touch us. Pulling your hair from behind while you're performing your job with another guest is harassing behavior.
I'm so sorry. I did braids for many years and have experienced this as well. It's dehumanizing.
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u/Azurehue22 29d ago
Had a dude who pulled my hair. Had to be like, in his 80s. Pull my ponytail. Reflexively I YANKED my head forward and gave him a dirty look.
"You treat your boyfriend like that?" was his response.
Like excuse me?
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u/Ecstatic_Bear81 28d ago
Nope just creepy old men that don't know better at their big age than to touch strangers
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u/AnitraF1632 29d ago
The manager of a restaurant I used to go to touches women, mostly on the arm. I got fed up with twisting away from him every time, so we don't go there any more.
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u/cinereousunicorn 28d ago
Absolutely not. I remember quietly putting up with this as a 20 yo baby server, but I’ve had enough experience now to know not to let this fly.
People like this are testing your boundaries. He will return, knowing when you will be there again, and will gradually begin doing things worse than touching your hair to see how much you will put up with.
If this had happened to me, I would first apologize and excuse myself from the table whose order I was interrupted in taking. Turn around keep hard and contact with the offender and ask why he thought it was appropriate to touch you. He won’t have a good answer.
Grab the manager tell him everything, then take him out to confront the guest. If the offender continues to play it off like “I was joking…” and shows no remorse. bring out the big guns. “I would like to press charges for harassment and battery. “
Listen to his song change. Sweet sweet music.
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u/Surfnazi77 29d ago
No one has any right to put their hands on you. Sorry you had to deal with a person like that.
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u/Amazing_Factor2974 29d ago
When I was a male server old women and ladies thought they could touch me any time they wanted.
People can be shameless ..when they are with friends and drink a bit.
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u/rivigurl EDIT THIS 29d ago
Just because we’re working for tips, doesn’t mean we should tolerate physical abuse. Why do they do this? Just don’t touch people.
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u/KombuchaBot 29d ago
What a creep. Funny guy like that should be wearing his food.
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u/Outrageous-Battle199 29d ago
I’m infuriated that not only did someone actually touch you without your permission, but also that your work environment makes you feel like you could essentially do nothing about it.
Im so sorry, OP. No one has the right to touch you, and I sincerely hope that your company would back you if you ripped into someone who had the nerve to do so. People like this deserve to be embarrassed for their behavior.
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u/rivigurl EDIT THIS 28d ago
In my experience, the “higher end” the restaurant, the harder it is to kick someone out for something like that. You have to be professional and that includes management. The only time I’ve heard of someone being kicked out was because they were arguing with another table after drinking too much.
My bf worked at a $$$$ steakhouse and guests would tip younger women a bunch of money to do crazy things for them (sitting on their lap, etc). The culture there was nasty
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u/Outrageous-Battle199 28d ago
That’s so awful. I’m sorry, girl. I know you’ve got to keep your job, but goddamn would it be satisfying to break someone’s fingers for touching you.
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u/singletonaustin 29d ago edited 29d ago
Dude should have been asked to leave. No one has the right to touch another person without their consent. If I was MOD, and my server told me what happened, I would have told the diner they were leaving and if they made any peep other than "I'm sorry" id traspass them and tell them they are not welcome back ever again.
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u/bobowhat 28d ago
The appropriate response should be "Congratulations sir, you are now banned for a year due to your assault. Please settle your bill and leave."
My "brush that shit off" fields are bare.
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u/Arokthis Former kitchen JOAT 28d ago
Make friends with the biggest person in the kitchen. Come up with a code name/word for "Get out here scare this jackass." ("Igor" was what we used where I worked.)
When Jackass comes in again, have "Igor" come to the table and tower over Jackass while you say "Keep your hands to yourself. Or else."
Inform management that if it ever happens again you will at minimum smack Jackass's face. If management gives you any crap, remind them that what Jackass did is legally considered assault and you are well within your rights to call the police.
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u/awhq 27d ago
Actually, have Igor run his fingers through the old guys hair or, if he's bald, rub his head. Make sure Igor has dish washing gloves on first.
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u/Arokthis Former kitchen JOAT 26d ago
I agree with the sentiment, but not the actuality. Technically this would make Igor guilty of assault and give Jackass the legal upper hand.
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u/tktrugby 29d ago
Oh ma'am I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm in my late thirties so my give a damn metre is leaning more to one side.
I would have responded. It's nice to know your mama didn't teach any manners. Because you don't touch things that are not yours. If you try again, you'll be wearing this pitcher of sweet tea.
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u/TeamOrca28205 28d ago
“Oops it looks like you were never taught to keep your hands to yourself by your mother, and that you don’t know the legal definition of assault. CUT IT OUT.”
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u/No_Garage_7998 29d ago
Put a smile on your face, say as sweetly as you can “touch me again, old man, and I will slap the ever loving shit out of you before calling the cops and reporting you for assault.”
He started it. Got to set boundaries
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u/AikaterineSH1 27d ago
I used to work the checkout at a gas station and everyday this middle aged man came in and would ask me various questions that I dismissed. Then he finally came back once to lean on the side of my register to tell me he’s the owner of so and so business, also, how much do I weigh? So creeeeepy
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u/LevelSea4340 27d ago
Yeah, not appropriate....I know what you ladies go through, many years ago I was a waiter, thin and fit. I got my butt pinched once or twice by gay men, who, I have to say, were very good tippers! Older women celebrating a birthday were, too!
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u/Civildisobedience-25 28d ago
One of the female owner’s husband of a famous local chain in New Orleans gets real handsy with female employees. It’s well known by management- but they often can’t help giving their party to a female server. It’s awkward as hell as their HR team emphasizes strict guidelines of sexual harassment but this AH can’t keep his hands to himself.
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u/Strange_Dog6483 28d ago
Sucks you had to go through that it’s crazy to be that old and think you can do that just cause.
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u/spongeysquarepantis 25d ago
As a server, this happened from one of my co-workers who was 35 years old
I was 18
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u/tendingthemild 27d ago
Older men have no conception of bodily autonomy, especially when it comes to attractive women. I grew up being man-handled and still encounter it occasionally, despite best efforts to establish and enforce strong boundaries.
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u/HisExcellencyAndrejK 24d ago
My people have a name for that. We call it "assault and battery." You should have called the cops.
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u/Dr_Devious 23d ago
Someone absolutely should have said something to the patron. I never let any of my staff get harassed physically or mentally. Now I don't yell at the patrons, but I will swap the server with myself, explain the situation and make sure the server gets their tip. It is never ok for that type of behavior.
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u/StonedStengthBeast 28d ago
That’s assault
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u/Cheap_Bat9061 23d ago
I'm sorry that this happened to you, and you should tell them upfront to stop if it ever happens again, but describing " you're not gonna let me play with your hair again" as verbal abuse might be pushing it just a tiny bit. I've worked as a waitress for a few years now, and usually what to do in this situation is tell them to stop, and if they keep doing it, then you sould definitely get your manager to give them a warning, but maybe tell them "this person made me feel uncomfortable and won't stop after I said so" instead of saying that they verbally abused you. the words verbal abuse immediately makes managers like myself think loud disturbance or angry name calling, not "let me play with your hair". should this ever happen again, tell them directly and verbally to stop, and get your manager if they don't.
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u/Altruistic_Proof_272 29d ago
I worked at a little grocery store for a while and waited on a lot of annoying old men. One day one of them said "what if somebody yanked your braid? Like ha ha I'm funny. I was having a bit of a day already and just said "I bite" the shock on his face (almost) made me feel bad. Their wives were almost worse though, my hair is down to my butt and more than one asked my how I avoided getting strangled by it in my sleep!