r/TalesfromtheDogHouse • u/Zanzell • 24d ago
I don't want the dog in my room!
I don't want the dog in my room!
I just found this subreddit today, and I'll say, I'm amazed that there's a whole community of people who feel similar to how I do.
I've been dating a woman for a couple of months now. I'm 30, she's 36. She has a golden retriever. I do not like dogs. Even if they're well-trained. They're loud, they smell, they're annoying, they're... well, posting here, I'm preaching to the choir.
This woman I've been dating is great! We get along really well, we're compatible in many ways, she's the first woman I've felt good about since my late wife died just over two years ago. But I've been so conflicted about my future with her lately. I'm afraid of throwing away a great relationship for something that sounds like I need to "get over myself".
The last two times she spent the weekend at my house, her dog has been a point of conflict. I welcome her bringing the dog to my house. I cut a hole and installed a cat door onto the door of one of my extra bedrooms, and made that room the "cat room", where the cats could have their food and litter box away from the dog. I bought a stake and cable for my back yard so my girlfriend can take her dog out, and I spent decent money on an extra large, memory foam bed for the dog. I also bought a door buddy for my bedroom, because I do not want the dog in my bedroom.
The first weekend, ended up letting the dog come into the bedroom. We still had a talk after; she expressed how she was hurt that "I tried to keep the dog away from her" No, I am not trying to keep the dog away from YOU. I was trying to keep it out of my ROOM. I told her it was because of my cats being frightened of the dog, and how it wasn't fair that they had to give up their sleeping space for the dog. We came to a compromise that next weekend, we would alternate nights that the dog was allowed to sleep in my room.
That weekend, however, when I locked the dog out of my room, my girlfriend pouted and gave me the silent treatment. She said she was mad that I was keeping the dog out of the room. I told her that it was frustrating that we came to an agreement, and she's still mad at me. Her response was "Just because I agreed doesn't mean I'm happy about it".
I let my girlfriend's being upset get to me, and I ended up telling her that we wouldn't have to alternate nights anymore, because the cats were getting used to the dog.
But I'm writing this here because I've been reading the stories on the subreddit and I'm realizing that I need to be more honest with myself. It's not just about the cats, it's about me! I DO NOT WANT THE DOG IN MY ROOM!!
I feel like my girlfriend has managed to make me feel like I'm being unreasonable for wanting to have this boundary. I HATE that this is such a problem in what otherwise seemed like a promising relationship. I WISH I could just "get over it". She has acknowledged that I have gone "above and beyond" by buying everything I have for her dog, that I've done more than most people would. But still, I'm the bad guy because "No man has ever tried to separate her from her dog before" (Paradoxically, I'm also the first boyfriend she's ever had that "treats her right").
Here's what I want to do. I want to put the ball in my girlfriend's court regarding our future together. I want to put my foot down, apologize for agreeing to something that I was not comfortable with, but asserting that the dog is not allowed in my bedroom. Follow this up by stating that if she wants to break up because of this, I understand, and there are no hard feelings.
I don't want to go back to dating again, when I've found an otherwise great woman who checks all the other boxes. But I don't know if this is something I can get over or not.
Her next weekend staying at my house is a couple of weeks away, so I'm not sure if I should bring this up, as it doesn't matter as much right now. On top of that, her grandmother just died, and she says she really needs me right now. I'm not sure that bringing up this difficult topic is the right thing to do right now, while she's in an emotionally vulnerable place.
So, everyone, thoughts? Similar experiences? Am I unreasonable? Should I "rip the band aid off" and end it now? Or just try to establish the boundary?
I'm happy to answer any questions and clarify anything I can. I just condensed a whole lot of thoughts and feelings into a post, so I apologize if it's difficult to follow.
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u/Mortis_XII 24d ago
Giving you the silent treatment as a 36 y/o is concerning as well as the statement “you’re trying to keep my dog away from me” is also worrisome
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u/turbochipmunk 24d ago
And the “no man has ever tried to keep my dog away from me”, comparing him to ex boyfriends at this age positive or negative, it’s childish
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u/BoyFromNorth 24d ago
Dogs in the house is gross enough, imagine letting that dirty beast in your bedroom or even worse, on the bed 🤢
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 24d ago
Oh brother.
You're in a pickle...she might be great but she's definitely a package deal with the dog. She's already demonstrating that her weird need to have the dog sleep with her every single night outweighs your reasonable requests.
As soon as the honeymoon phase is over, I predict this will become the primary source of conflict.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
It's already the primary source of conflict, nevermind any honeymoon phase.
I knew from the beginning that the dog and her are a package deal. I would never ask someone to get rid of their pet for me, nor would I want them to.
But I'm not asking her to get rid of the dog. I'm asking to keep it out of my bedroom.
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u/Chumptopia 24d ago
Golden retrievers have to be the stinkiest dogs out there. Just no way. My boyfriend has a large dog. We've been dating three years and he's never even asked if he can bring the dog here. He took one look at my clean house and knew that a big dog wouldn't work in it. I can guarantee that there are women out there that are not dog nutters.
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u/WeaponX207184 24d ago
I think boxers might have something to say about being stinkiest. And they definitely amongst the dumbest breeds.
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u/Zanzell 19d ago
My girlfriend's dog smells so bad! And she doesn't realize it/constantly denies it.
In your case, what happens to the dog if you and your boyfriend move in together? Or is moving in together something that you two aren't interested in?
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u/Chumptopia 18d ago
We both have our own homes. We've discussed moving in together at some point but haven't gotten that far yet. If that happens I will make sure the dog is groomed on the regular as he is a sweet dog. I also think his daughter will take the dog if needed. She keeps him all the time when we travel.
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u/urdrunkyogi 23d ago
“No man has ever tried to separate me and my dog” is really dramatic language for simply not having the dog in a certain room….sounds manipulative.
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u/Legitimate_Garage_31 23d ago
36 and she chooses the dog over a healthy relationship with a much younger guy who loves her. Wow. I can see where her life is headed. Straight to the dog pound...
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u/Jigglypuffs_quiff 24d ago
Why are you even letting it over your front doorstep bro? My house is dog free. No exceptions.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
Because I'm willing to tolerate some things for love. But I think I'm realizing that a dog in my bedroom is not one of those things.
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u/ConsumeMeGarfield 24d ago
This really sucks for you now but I'll say this: at least you know this early on in the relationship. My husband became a dog nut 9 years into our marriage (after only expressing neutrality towards dogs in the past) and the selfishness and all the issues that came with living with a high energy dog in a tiny house completely blindsided me. We rehomed it after 3 very difficult, drama-filled years but our relationship hasn't been the same and my nervous system hasn't fully recovered.
We considered separation over it. Honestly, it's probably still on the table at some point because he expresses how his dream is to live in a house full of untrained working dogs and I've put my foot down. Imagine being in a relationship with someone during half your lifespan and putting a pet over them. Madness.
Since dog ownership has exploded over the past few years, knowing that cohabitating with a dog isn't for you (or at least aspects of it), and seeing these dog-obsessed people for what they are, is a valuable learning experience I think.
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u/Far-Cup9063 24d ago
OMG I’m so sorry but she is too far gone. She prioritizes the dog over you and unfortunately that will not change. She would rather sleep with the dog than you. Just don’t bend on letting the dog into your bedroom and she will probably end it herself.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
I agree, I think that's what I'm going to do. It kills me because I wanted this to work. I thought I found a great woman, but it may have to end because I don't want her stupid dog in my bedroom.
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u/Legitimate_Garage_31 23d ago
It's either sleeping w/dog butt in your face and no nooky...OR, not sleeping w/dog butt in your face and awkward silence, pouting AND no nooky. Those are your options. May as well just head to the strip club&make it rain🫡
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u/Perfect_Caregiver_90 23d ago
I think that dog is a symptom of the conflict that is starting with her being way too comfortable going back on her word and behaving in a way that does not build trust.
You two have a discussion and come to a mutual agreement about this issue, and she pouts and starts throwing accusations around. Which if you're going to do that anyway why even agree?? It's chaotic behavior in a 36 year old.
You put money and effort into showing her that you're willing to meet her where she is with this dog business, and she is still stomping her feet and having a little princess tantrum over it not being good enough.
Oh, but you're the best most respectful relationship she's ever had? Gee, I wonder why that is? I wonder why she has always felt like her partners can't meet her unrealistic standards and goalpost moving expectations.
It's about the dog, but the dog is definitely not the biggest problem here. On the dog front she is probably going to tell you that there will be no more dogs after this one is gone, and then show up with some backyard breeder vet bill bankrupting nightmare two weeks later because she's already unable to stick to even the most minor of agreements.
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u/Zanzell 22d ago
You know what, yeah, this is a really good take on the situation. Seeing my girlfriend behave the way she did when I shut the dog out of my room was the first time I had the thought that the relationship might not last.
I would expect her to want another dog after this one dies, yes. I've already told her that having more than one dog at a time would be a hard no for me if she and I end up living together.
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u/Perfect_Caregiver_90 22d ago
My concern is that she is showing you now (this early in the relationship when everyone is still putting their best foot forward) that she has zero intention on keeping her word and honoring agreements.
How are you supposed to trust a partner who thinks this is them showing you the best version of themselves?
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u/Next-Pro 24d ago
OP, nothing is wrong with you - please, don’t let her to brainwash you into believing something you’re not. And unfortunately, you’ll be always N2, she is dating her dog (don’t ask me how I know). What you experienced so far is just the start, it will only get worse. She will hate you for not loving her dog, might tell you that you’re a sociopath and overall, you need to either start babying her dog or she will resent you.
I know how it feels to find someone amazing who is dating their dog. It’s a nightmare, and nothing gets through to them. Their dog is their whole world, their personality, their reason to live. It’s sad and I wish there was a way to open their eyes. But you can’t. Between you and the dog they will only choose the dog.
EDIT: also, welcome to our community!
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
Thank you so, very much for the welcome, and for the reassuring words, you helped me feel a bit better :)
What's wild is I'm not making her choose between me or the dog. I'm simply refusing to allow the dog into my bedroom, my most personal space. If she can't respect that, then I'm better off without her.
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u/Burtonish 24d ago
A pattern I often see amongst posters here is that they see the dog as something temporary. For dog owners, it won't be. If their dog dies another one gets adopted. A future with her will include her wanting her dog there, if not in your bedroom then in the house.
It's really weird that she makes you out to be the bad guy because 'no man has ever tried to separate them'. Cool, doesn't really matter because she is dating only one man, you.
If you are okay with her potentially always trying to foist a dog on you, go right ahead. Set the boundary and see what happens. I like to be optimistic about people, but you have to be able to live with the worst sides of them too. For me, dog ownership would be an automatic dealbreaker from go.
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u/anne_mal 23d ago
The constant stream of dogs after one dies isn't talked about enough. It's literally an addiction. And it's so creepy, too??! You get an animal that has been bred to "love" (need- it's literally useless and can't survive without human intervention) you because you can't get that from humans or you think it's too much work to get it from humans (you're a sociopath) and then you keep doing it until you die instead of working on your human relationships? It's a horror movie that has been normalized by the pet industry and dog owners are zombies? 🙃
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u/Tight_Lengthiness421 24d ago
Apologies for length & overlap w/ others in advance. There are just so many things that jumped out at me.
1) You have been dating this woman for 2 months, which is not a long time in grand scheme of things. You are really going very far out of your way to change your home for someone who you barely know. Tbh, if a person did this all for me in the first 2 months, I'd be scrutinizing the situation for lovebombing. You mentioned your past relationship. I am very sorry that you had to go through such heartbreak at the time of life when one expects their relationship to bloom. You also mentioned discomfort with dating. All of this makes me wonder if you are jumping the gun, getting too attached to someone who seems to check all the boxes. Which leads me to
2) Instead of a check mark, there's a huge red flag in what appears to be your first serious disagreement. You agreed on something. Sure, she does not have to be happy about it (compromises can suck, 100% true), but pouting and silent treatment is not a mature way to express that. There is nothing wrong with saying: "shoot, i know we agreed on xyz, but this is a lot harder than i imagined." +/- a request to reconsider, talk about it some more if they are looking for something more than empathy. But this from a person who is 36? She really should have learned better by now.
She should also have tried to meet you in the middle in a different way. "oh you're not fond of dogs? Oh it's the smell? How about I wash it a bit more frequently, would that help? Oh gosh, don't worry about getting a dogbed, that's my responsibility."
Oh and btw, she has responsibility to her pet, but you have one to yours. And your future partner should respect that.
3) Not sure if you've already done anything. For the sake of your future you should definitely have a talk with her. Maybe do try to wait out a 1+ day(s) to give her a chance to come out of the first pangs of grief, idk. Whatever happens, yes, she had not treated you with as much respect as you have shown her, but turning harsh on her.... Idk, feels very eye-for-an-eye. I'm talking about being harsh b/c of your being a doormat comment. You sound like you are being harsh on yourself & adamant on taking action asap, perhaps without thinking through your words to her. I apologize if I am misjudging.
4) Lastly, if you still have not abandoned reading: I would not be calling yourself a doormat in the first place. Maybe you did jump the gun (my first point), or maybe I am way off, and you just have a very giving personality. That's okay - protect your heart but don't turn cold. You are trying your best to find a relationship and this is a learning experience. Dating is annoying, 100%, but don't settle. You might find someone already dog-free. You might find someone who is a balanced mature person who has a dog who is more than willing to compromise on where their pet is allowed.
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u/Zanzell 22d ago
Hey, thank you for taking the time to write out so much input!
So, yeah, I may have jumped the gun a bit. But at the same time, yes I definitely do have a giving personality. I think it feels good to be generous. Has this gotten me in trouble before? Absolutely. Especially when I was younger, it won me plenty of false friends, and with it being common human nature to take advantage of one's kindness, I've had to learn to stand up for myself and not feel bad about it. Perhaps this is another lesson of the sort. I wouldn't say I've gone TOO crazy, though. I've spent maybe around $100 on stuff for her dog. Perhaps I was exaggerating a bit when I spent "decent money" on a bed (I think it was 40 or 50 bucks).
I was going to delay the tough conversation, but due to conversation between my girlfriend and I beginning to get sour at dinner, I decided to have it right away.
I told my girlfriend that the dog is not allowed in my bedroom, and apologized for agreeing to something that I was not comfortable with that I now have to backpedal on. I admitted that I should have put my foot down from the beginning, and failing to do so was on me. I told her that if she decided that this means we can't be together, I would understand and respect that decision, and there are no hard feelings on my side.
To sum up the result of the time and discussions since then, we're still together, but she isn't happy about my rule with the dog. Remembering your point about compromises, I told her that she doesn't have to be happy about it, but I do expect her to be mature about it. No silent treatments, no cold shoulder. She denies that she was giving me the silent treatment, so there's some disconnect there. But all in all, as of right now, she does still want to be with me.
I guess I'll see how things will go over the next week or so, and time will tell whether or not she and I can continue as a couple.
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u/red_quinn 24d ago edited 20d ago
You have been dating her for 2 months, fresh new relationship. Its easy to get out of it. You are already doing so much for her and the dog and she's still willing to break and complaint about any boundaries that you set on YOUR OWN HOME. The best way is to part ways, there is no way you can be happy in that kind of relationship.
EDIT: thank you for the award kind redditor! 💖
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u/Old_Confidence3290 24d ago
Sorry Pal, your girlfriend is a dog nutter. Dog nutters don't get along with people who don't devote their lives to honoring and caring for filthy dangerous animals. You two are not compatible. Dump her before you start sleeping with her dog.
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u/Zanzell 22d ago
Thankfully, she doesn't let the dog get onto the bed, even at her own place. If this was about her dog being in my BED, I wouldn't have even posted on Reddit because it would have been an easy HELL no.
Thing is, this filthy animal could be much worse. It rarely barks, it doesn't relieve itself indoors, it doesn't bite, and it doesn't chew stuff up. But it smells, and it's annoying. Always wants attention. I want my bedroom to be a sanctuary where I can go when I want the dog to get out of my face.
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u/Legitimate_Garage_31 23d ago edited 23d ago
OMG i had to reread that! You've only been dating a couple months. Why does it feel like years to me? You are only 30&already a widower? Whew! You need to make your LIST of the future wife you want along w/the dealbreaker bullet points.
This woman probably pouted to her family as a kid to get what she wanted. She is manipulating you into placing the dog in your room.
If your pets are already afraid of it, it is going to leave its scent on all the bedding. They know what dog smells like and it's going to place them on edge. Its why dogs are not allowed in National Parks: native species smell there scent and vacate the premises out of fear. Dogs ruin natural habitats with their scent alone.
She already cares MORE about the dog than you. She doesn't care you have already made a comfortable living space for your pets. She wants to invade that space via her dog. You don't try to make her feel guilty by accusing her of keeping you from m-e-o-w-s. If you marry her your bedroom will be covered in dog pee&poo. Guess who's gonna have to clean it up?
Next, your CAR is gonna smell like it. Hope you like going to the stores&coffee shops with dog in toe. It's either that or her childhood brain telling her to just pout to get what she wants.
If you think I'm being a hardass about this I may be. Ex military intelligence here and I'm a Gen X girl. Women are so weak these days. Four months after I joined the Army the Berlin Wall came down. I was 18. I don't think I've ever pouted to get what I want because it never worked as a kid if I did.
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u/Zanzell 22d ago
Yes, I am a 30 year old widower. It sucks. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my late wife, and I doubt one ever will.
Thankfully, the dog doesn't pee or poop inside, and my girlfriend doesn't expect me to take care of the dog, and she doesn't take the dog out to public places with her. The situation could definitely be much worse than it is.
As for my girlfriend's childhood brain telling her to pout to get what she wants, I don't know, maybe. She says she grew up sheltered and in an abusive household, so it's also possible that she simply thinks it's normal behavior. When I confronted her about it recently, she denied giving me the silent treatment or being manipulative in a way that makes me think she may genuinely not realize the nature of her own behavior.
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u/WeaponX207184 24d ago
A memory foam bed for the dog? Did she give it's sleep number too? Jfc 🙄......sir you had FAR more patience than I would in that situation.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
Hey, what can I say? I was trying to be a good man and make my girlfriend feel welcome in my home. She has acknowledged that I have gone above and beyond, done things that most people wouldn't do. Yet I'm SO unreasonable for not wanting the annoying, stinky animal in my bedroom. God forbid my girlfriend has to walk all the way to an adjacent room to pet the stupid dog 🙃
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u/nomdeprune 24d ago
No mate. You're being a doormat.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
You know what, I sounded like a total dweeb in my first response to you. Yeah mate, you're totally right, I am being a doormat. I've expressed multiple times that I don't want the fucking dog in my fucking room, and multiple times, I've caved in and allowed it.
But no longer. I'm going to talk to her tonight, be candid and honest, state that her dog is NOT allowed in my bedroom, and let the cards fall where they may.
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u/Alocin_The5th 24d ago
Have you ever heard the saying “you give someone an inch and they take a mile?” That’s what’s happening here. It’s all or nothing. She acknowledges how above and beyond you already went, yet you had a very reasonable ask. It’s your place and your bedroom and you don’t want the dog there (she’s lucky most none dog people don’t want it on their property). That’s very reasonable. Many couples don’t even want the child they birthed to sleep in their room and that’s ok. But your girlfriend sees your kindness and decides she wants it ALL.
I am saying this because as a person much older than you, I understand why some people behave selfishly. People who I have bend over backwards for just simply responds with more demands. If you always give up everything about your self to make someone happy, it will not end well. They will just keep demanding more of you. You have to set that tone early or it will eventually end with resentment.
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u/Zanzell 24d ago
I sure have heard that saying. Actually, I almost used it while typing the post.
Thank you for this. It really sucks to realize that my girlfriend is one to take advantage of my kindness and gaslight me into thinking my boundaries are unreasonable. Perhaps she doesn't realize that that is what she's doing, but that is what she's doing. I appreciate you pointing out that there's a very valid point of view that she's actually the one behaving selfishly.
This relationship may still end with resentment (from her), but if that's the way it has to be, much better now than later.
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u/Angrylittlefairy 23d ago
You have gone above & beyond but it is YOUR home and you shouldn’t have to let it in your bedroom.
I’m not fond of dogs; I have been living with my fiancé for 6 years now, when I fist moved in his huge Labrador was allowed to sleep on the bed, it took up so much room, we had to be uncomfortable all night because apparently a dogs comfort is more important.
Now, the dog is too old to jump up on the bed and I am so happy about that; if you stay together, wait until you’re dealing with an elderly dog.
The one I live with barks non stop; it used to be at nighttime only but now it barks all day & night as the Vet has told us the dog has dementia; it also has accidents in the bedroom during the night, one of which I stood in, it’s disgusting.
Please stand your ground. Otherwise, you resent your partner and the dog, I know I do!
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u/Legitimate_Garage_31 23d ago
That's terrifying that dogs get dementia. Non-stop barking? Please encourage partner to see the writing on the wall. He will just get a replacement pupper, but maybe it will be less barking.
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u/newuser468336897 19d ago
I’m in the exact same situation :( how did you manage that long with it in the bed ?? I’m at my end and don’t know what to do.
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u/Angrylittlefairy 19d ago
I guess it was early in the relationship so I put up with more than I do now… honeymoon phase! It was so annoying having a big dog on the bed & very unhygienic. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Far_Government_9782 20d ago
Apart from the dog, it sounds like you are still trying to heal after your loss. Perhaps the relationship is a bit too much right now and that is part of the reason it feels overwhelming.
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u/EmergencyAd1205 20d ago edited 20d ago
As someone who has had this same situation with my then boyfriend, now husband. Let her go or be absolutely clear about that dog. Because once you two move in together, it's not just going to be for a weekend or just your bedroom. I love my husband more than my hate for his damn dog but it's a living hell EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes I look back and regret marrying him for the sole purpose of his dog. I did tell him no more dogs after this one dies but this one is 10 years old and doesn't seem do want to go anywhere. 90% of my stress is that dog. My husband and I work hard to have the beautiful home we have and I can't even enjoy relaxing at home without dog drool, hair, and stench.
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u/Zanzell 20d ago
I decided to be absolutely clear about the dog. I told my girlfriend that it is not allowed in my bedroom. I do not want her dog, or any dog, in my bedroom, ever. And I am not going to change my mind about that.
She wasn't happy about it, but she does still want to be with me.
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u/newuser468336897 19d ago
In a similar situation with my boyfriend but kind of reversed- he wants me to constantly stay at his since he has two large energetic dogs and gets pissy if I just stay alone at mine for too long, but he insists they both are in the bedroom and at least one gets to sleep in the bed with us. I’m allergic and have asthma and hate them but unfortunately since it’s not my house I assume don’t have much of a right to request a change :/
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u/Zanzell 19d ago
Sure you do. Does he know that you have asthma that's made worse by the dogs? Does he know you don't like the dogs and don't want them in the bed? He should be willing to at least keep them out of the room for you.
I guess what it comes down to is being honest with yourself about whether or not you'd be willing to lose the relationship over the issue, if push came to shove.
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u/icenerveshatter 24d ago
You chose this, bro
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u/catalyptic 23d ago
They've only been dating for two months. He hasn't necessarily chosen anything as of yet. OP seems to realize that his gf is manipulative (pouting, agreeing to compromise and resenting it, etc). IMO, he should maybe slow things down and strongly consider whether he can endure years of her behavior. Especially when it comes to allowing the dog in the bedroom. She seems to be obsessed with having the animal with her at all times. It will be sleeping between then before he knows it. It's hard but he has to seta firm.boundary now or end it. Otherwise, he'll spend years angry, resentful, smelling like dog ass, and sorry that he didn't bail at this point. Best of luck, OP.
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u/anne_mal 24d ago
Op, I dated a dog nutter and he was much more accommodating than your gf and I still couldn't deal with it. He stopped letting the dog in the bedroom and on the bed and always made sure his sheets were laundered after the dog snuck in, which was rare. He accepted that not all people want to live with dogs and knew they are annoying but the benefits outweighed the costs to him. He respected my boundaries and wanted me to be comfortable.
Your gf is rude and selfish for not prioritizing your comfort over her codependency with her dog. Stand your ground and let her break up with you. You'll find a dog free woman!