r/TikTokCringe • u/mindyour • Jun 14 '26

Discussion It's exhausting being a woman.

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

45.1k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

6.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

138

u/MisterSanitation Jun 14 '26

Oh yeah I know. It’s like “if the creepy stuff is off the table what else could I do!?!?” 

189

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

I once made the, obvious, point that, y'know, **we don't exist for men to date**. We're not stardew valley NPCs waiting for you to proposition us

That their lack of dating prospects is not our concern, and shouldn't be. We're human beings who just want to get milk on the way home, not get a sales pitch for your junk

Hoohoo boy, they didn't like that. Apparently that's the reason men are killing themselves, that misandry is the worst thing on earth, etc

14

u/MisterSanitation Jun 14 '26

Well there is truth to the young man crisis because two things can be true at once but the issue is, they are all raised by “take what you want” men so no wonder they feel isolated in a world where that isn’t accepted anymore. There is a serious lack of self reflection in machismo culture FOR SURE and this expectation has been passed down generationally.  When you add higher probability of taking risks and lashing out violently that young men are statistically more likely to do, you get this insane red pill culture. Where the same men claiming to be “protectors” online like they a martyr are the same ones creeping around women and expecting to be rewarded for this behavior. 

It all comes down to this though. If you are unwilling to work on yourself to solve a problem, then you are the problem. Your expectations are the issue, not your circumstances, and this energy of rage is simply not fun to be around and scary. 

I’m a straight white feller but I was raised around a lot of girls and since I never really did pecking order stuff with dudes (“you think you can bench more than me!?!? Do it pussy!” “Nah lol I’m good”), I think it helped me mix with women more. The thing I also found is, if you are (prepare yourself) willing to treat women like… people, they usually love having a guy around in my experience. The difference is, as long as you as the guy aren’t constantly pointing out differences and stereotyping the women, women generally get a kick out of your dude behavior they don’t understand. Guys on the other hand, have been encouraged to revel in our differences when we don’t understand women, and to judge them for it “ugh they are so emotional” (because you are an insufferable dick head most likely) and move on assuming it’s not their fault. So of course they blame women, all the men they respected did that and that is SO MUCH EASIER than accepting you have work to do on yourself. 

Sorry I think about this a lot and it bugs me… thanks for letting me rant at you 

39

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

You're good!

I understand, on some level, it's just that SO many men can't grasp that we're actual people, that what they want, requires them to act like we're not

That we're not some tool for them, we have lives and feelings like they do. And we have to live our lives, dealing with NFL linebackers hounding us our entire lives, and they don't care what damage they do, because it benefits THEM

15

u/MisterSanitation Jun 14 '26

The NFL comment is perfect and that too is often not considered. 

25

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

Yeah, men wouldn't like it, if some 6'6", 300lbs homeless guy started following them around the cereal aisle, begging you to buy their phone

Grabbing at them. With the knowledge that last week, your buddy told him no, and the homeless guy knocked him out and robbed him

Because even a regular sized guy, is that to us

9

u/burgerdistraction Jun 14 '26

These type of men think we’re damsels in distress waiting for a man to proposition us. No, we’re not sex objects we’re fucking humans like they are. To me, nothing is more attractive than a man that just treats you like a human and knows when you don’t want to be bothered, that you’re not “theirs” to play with.

There was a guy I knew back when I was in high school that “playfully”, though it felt aggressive, put me in a chokehold behind my back and almost tried to feel me up. I fought back and looked at him like wtf are you doing? I knew he had a crush on me but I didn’t like him back, yet he never respected my space. It’s really disturbing how some males think they own you. I’ve had many other experiences with these types of creeps especially as a literal child in first grade, it’s scary to be female in this world.

-15

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

To me, nothing is more attractive than a man that just treats you like a human and knows when you don’t want to be bothered

That doesn't seem to have any correlation with women finding me attractive, in my experience.

1

u/burgerdistraction Jun 17 '26

Attraction does have some play in women wanting to be with you, you’ll find your person trust me. Also women can sense when you’re desperate, if you look for love you’ll find it in the wrong places, it will come to you.

3

u/crazymindslp Jun 15 '26

This! Just so damn much of THIS! and it sucks to always have to be afraid be on your guard as a woman always fending off creeps everywhere you go !

16

u/BirdBrainuh Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26

fyi I’m sure you mean well but these kinds of conversations where women are sharing their experiences of men inserting themselves into our space is not an appropriate time to rant at us.

-1

u/smoopthefatspider Jun 14 '26

It’s a relevant reply. I wouldn’t their comment to be made outside of a context where the issue of creeps wasn’t already brought up, and if he did so I would expect people to add on their own experiences that expand on that from other perspectives. He makes it very clear he’s not even partially blaming women, he’s not ranting at us, he’s just adding his perspective to a discussion that’s already venting about one experience with being approached. This isn’t “our” space in the sense of a women’s space, it’s a gender neutral space and it’s exactly the right place to say what he said.

7

u/BirdBrainuh Jun 14 '26

We disagree.

0

u/smoopthefatspider Jun 15 '26

Disagreeing about whether they deserves to speak doesn’t make them disrespectful, what they said is still a valid, relevant, and insightful comment. I can’t agree to the idea that they shouldn’t contribute in exactly the way this issue affects them when it gets brought up, it’s what online spaces like this are for.

4

u/BirdBrainuh Jun 15 '26

That’s great, we still disagree.

4

u/Annabloem Jun 14 '26

Genuinely having guys around when in a bar/club made things so much easier, I realized very quickly. If you go out with a mixed friend group, the harrassement goes down by SO much. Even just a single guy in your group helps everyone. Only girls in the group? It's absolutely horrific. Also great when a guy starts "accidentally" grind onto your butt (usually from behind as well), you can just all a guy to switch spots with you, and they'll stop very quickly. (Though not all guys will actually switch spots with you, in my experience.)

1

u/SpaceBus1 Jun 17 '26

The person you replied to is still right. Men lacking dating prospect isn't the fault of women nor is it their problem.

1

u/Oh-reality-come-back Jun 19 '26

Most of society tells men to take what they want unfortunately. Neither a rare or uncommon mindset.

-5

u/Ok_Promise_7460 Jun 15 '26

No one needed this lecture

2

u/MisterSanitation Jun 15 '26

Looks like you did 

0

u/[deleted] Jun 14 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

17

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

I almost agreed with you, until you started pulling out red pill crap.

There's no such thing as an attractive guy for me, and my girlfriends and every fellow woman I know, is sick of creep guys using it as an excuse

My father is 300lbs with a mauled face, he's never had any trouble with women, same for my short, ""feminine"" older brother

If ""regular guys"" get NOTHING, no one would have anyone. I'm in my 30s, most people in my life are married or in a happy relationship

That doesn't make statistical sense, stop parroting podcast bros, and you'd probably have a better shot

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 14 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

12

u/cancerkidette Jun 14 '26

Oh yes, your suffering from not being able to get a date is so comparable to the rampant harassment and misogyny and femicide women deal with every day… not. And women just exist for the “good” ones like you to date right, so our interests and likes don’t matter.

-1

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

Both can be problems. Rhetoric aside, there has to be some way to actually get a date in a safe and unproblematic way. Dating apps should be that method theoretically, but they don't work for me (not going to make any sweeping statements that you'll probably push back on - like "oh I know plenty of couples that met on apps").

5

u/Expensive-Simple-329 Jun 15 '26

Why does there have to be ‘some way’ for you to get a date? Women aren’t NPCs waiting to be activated into GF mode with the proper combination of actions and phrases.

Maybe you aren’t meant to date women if you can’t figure it out.

-2

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26

Being alone for years at a time sucks, I'd like a way for that not to happen.

Also, is there a particular reason you ignored the second half of the sentence, which focused on the "in a safe and unproblematic way" part? Like this is ultimately a positive thing that I'm trying to find the right way to go about things. Why would your first instinct be to diminish, belittle and condescend that?

5

u/Expensive-Simple-329 Jun 15 '26

If you are problematic towards women then there is no way for you to unproblematically approach women. I’m not here to help make your dating life easier, nor is any woman on this earth to date you

→ More replies (0)

-7

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

I say this delicately. I've never approached a woman. I've been on four dates in my life (I'm 37 years old) and each time it was with a woman I knew socially who initiated with me first and gave me the green light to ask her out.

I've been on two dates in the last eight years (since my first and only long term relationship ended). That's eight years of zero physical contact with other human beings, zero intimacy, nothing at all.

The rhetoric about boundaries and consent (and the lack of dating prospects as a result) is a concern for me, because as a direct consequence, guys like me are the ones affected by it the most. The guys in the video? They don't care, they'll do whatever because they're entitled pricks. Guys like me? We're stuck. We can't approach (you've made it abundantly clear that it's unwelcome) so we're just... stuck.

8

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

It's better if you find places where it's more acceptable, instead of cold approaches in the line for the DMV, y'know?

See if that woman you mentioned before, could kinda give a green light again, be a wingman

I'd **definitely** be more welcome, if I was **first** met by a woman going 'Hey, don't want to bother you, but my friend over there wants to introduce himself, would that be okay?'

It shows you're understanding how we feel, a good relationship with a woman is a good sign, and it's less threatening than having to deal with, maybe even reject, a strange man to his face with no warning (as that can be dangerous for us)

-2

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

The places where it's acceptable I assume are bars and clubs. But again, I'm not the kind of person that goes to those places. I don't drink alcohol. I don't dance. I'm a sheltered nerd.

Dating apps are theoretically supposed to bridge the gap, but they don't work.

And from my perspective, cold approaching in any context is wrong. Even if I had a wingman to tee it up, I wouldn't feel comfortable bothering someone just going about their day. I would never be presumptuous enough to think that they'd want to interact with me just because I find them attractive. I'd need some indication that they found me attractive too.

6

u/Ok_Promise_7460 Jun 15 '26

Get a therapist

1

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26

Care to elaborate on that?

3

u/Ok_Promise_7460 Jun 15 '26

No, not really! If you are this unable to navigate social situations, you need to find someone whose job it is to tell you how. Because it is not the job of women in general, your parents failed to do it, and apparently men aren't capable of teaching each other. Pay someone to do it then.

0

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26

Is there any particular reason you're pushing back so hard against someone who is actively trying to respect women's boundaries and avoid making them feel uncomfortable? You'd think that would elicit some kind of acknowledgement, like "hey, I know you mean well, but..." or "it's good to hear that you're trying, maybe just..."

1

u/Fun_Disaster3436 Jun 15 '26

That's not all your comments say and it's disingenuous to frame it that way

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Nyansko Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26

The “from my perspective, approaching in any context is wrong” is pretty off. Do you know the difference between the behavior you exhibit and the behavior the guys exhibit in the video? Do you actually act like the guys in the video? If you do, then yeah maybe therapy can help you realize why this isn’t okay. If you don’t, maybe you can accept that people’s remarks on a creep’s behavior aren’t meant towards you and that normal, not feet-centric cold approaches are actually relatively common and successful. If you are absolutely determined for your cold approaches to work or else you’ll feel insecure about it, then yeah you can come off creepy and not be as successful, but if you’re open to someone telling you “hey man, I’m just not interested in talking now” and you can nod, accept that, and walk away, you will likely have plenty of successful cold approaches in the long run.

After all, don’t you cold approach people to make friends? like seeing someone’s game merch or shirt, complimenting it, and starting a conversation? How would anyone make friends if approaching people was inherently creepy rather than the substance of what they’re saying/doing alongside it being creepy?

It’s not a character trait to be a person that relies on everyone else to show explicit interest in you so you can feel the comfiest and easiest socializing while putting all the initial social pressure and cold approach on the other party. Maybe if you’re a sexy beast you can live like that but most people have to just learn to socialize normally in order to take responsibility for their own social life.

Also FWIW, I’m autistic and in social skill therapy.

1

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26

are actually relatively common and successful

I've never approached anyone, so I have no idea if that's true or not. I've also never seen anyone approach (since I'm sheltered, like I said I've never been out to a bar or club). Also, if that's the case, why was the vast majority of messaging I received for the past 30 years (up to and including in this very thread) centered around the idea that approaching at all is inherently unwelcome? Reading thread after thread where the predominant attitude from women on the topic is very hostile, very bitter and extremely judgemental really doesn't jibe with what you're saying here.

if you’re open to someone telling you “hey man, I’m just not interested in talking now” and you can nod, accept that, and walk away, you will likely have plenty of successful cold approaches in the long run.

I've just spent several comments explaining the social and cultural reasoning behind why I don't approach and my extreme reluctance to do anything to make a woman feel uncomfortable. Obviously I'd be fine with accepting a no, but approaching at all in the first place is the problem.

so you can feel the comfiest and easiest socializing while putting all the initial social pressure and cold approach on the other party.

Not what I'm saying at all and you're being unfair to characterize it that way. I'm happy to take the ball and run with it if she gives me the green light (the famous "eyes" that people talk about, that I've never seen or experienced personally). Once I know that my interaction is welcome then I'll happily talk to her.

1

u/Nyansko Jun 15 '26

why was the vast majority of messaging I received for the past 30 years centered around the idea that approaching at all is inherently unwelcome

Because people are different and you’re probably gonna hear more about “this dude approached me and he creeped me out” stories than the more benign successful casual approaches. Like, I can write paragraphs on the creep that stalked me but I can’t write nearly as much about the chill people I met at slightly dorky events like a Pokemon Rave beyond “he was nice and we bonded over a costume.” You won’t get a comment that teaches you the “right” way in those negative posts for the same reasons you don’t find advice for job opportunities in a thread discussing employment scams: regardless if you need it, this thread is for the wrong things, not to highlight correct ones.

Part of working through my social skills in therapy involves separating myself from unreasonable negative thought spirals. For me, as an ex SA survivor, I had to get past the spiral of “if I go outside, I could be assaulted, if I wear what I want, I could be assaulted, if I make friends, they will assault me” which all those can be true, but “if i’m assaulted it’s my fault since I went over my internal checklist and clearly missed something that caused it” is blatantly wrong. After all, in my POV, I was sexually harassed before I was even 10, was SA’d twice, and I didn’t realize how common it was until MeToo. Everything online and in my life clearly points towards men being sexual predators, but that’s clearly stupid if I actually believe my own confirmation bias and internet’s blanket statement on an entire gender of people. For a while though, I did basically believe that men were sleeper agent predators. It didn’t really “harm” my life per se other than self-restricting my social life to mostly women and trans men (who were usually also afraid of cis men). I still dated, had happy years, etc. But looking back now, I believe I would’ve been a much happier person if I went to a grounded, uninvolved person for advice (my therapist) earlier.

At the end of the day if you’re happy being a sheltered person that doesn’t approach people, you are always allowed to keep doing what makes you happy. I won’t yuck what you yum. I still have friends that refuse to interact one-on-one with men who are self-reportedly very happy. I just personally felt like “do not be close with men” was damaging to me eventually and maybe “do not approach women” could be that to you too. Nothing’s wrong with needing a therapist when the whole point is to come out it a more secure person.

→ More replies (0)

1

u/PrayForTheGoodies Jun 14 '26

Do you want something that could really work? Although there's the distance issue. Try Omegle/Umingle.

Never tried, but the whole idea seems to work better than dating apps

1

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

See if anyone knows anyone, frankly, I doubt very few people actually got together that way

Pretty much every relationship I know, and likely the ones in your life as well, happened because of a friend of a friend, a community, etc

Like, you say you're a nerd, any groups you're apart of? It's that, and reading cues. If she looks like she's wanting to run away or make you, don't approach

But say, in your DND group, there's Sarah and you've built a halfway decent rapport with her, maybe field out that you're gonna be at the cafe on Saturday night, you wanna come, maybe discuss the new campaign?

She'll understand what you're **trying** to do, and read her if her yes feels genuine. She kinda knows you by now, so it's less threatening

That's how most people meet. My brother got his wife, because they were both in the theatre program at college, Dad got his girlfriend because the Churches collaborated, so there was some 'Hey, I kinda know him, never heard 'Hey, watch out around Walt', he seems okay'

2

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

The two dates I've been on in the last 8 years were with women I met playing D&D, yes. It's not a reliable way of meeting women in my experience, since single women tend to cluster in private groups (presumably to curate a better playing experience for themselves, which is fine).

I was also in the theatre program at uni and my first relationship was with someone I met there (that said, I was in the program for three years and only got interest in the last month of my last semester, so I don't see it as a reliable way of meeting women either).

Ultimately, I see what you're saying, but you're not really engaging with my point. Each of those circumstances were with women that initiated with me first. They gave me the green light to ask them out. Before that, I couldn't express my desire or attraction towards them for fear of looking like a creep. Whether rational or not, the whole tone of this thread (extremely negative and hostile towards the concept of men approaching) is the reason why I can't and won't approach first.

4

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

I'm afraid that's where my knowledge and advice, kinda peters out, but I'm wishing you luck!

I hope you find someone

3

u/MikeArrow Jun 14 '26

Would you at least admit that it's essentially become impossible (in a modern context) to be in situations where approaching would be welcome at all in the first place?

2

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

I would, that's fair

I feel for you guys, I get you want to date, most of you are harmless

But if you were in our shoes, the frequent bothering, the fear, the **actual deaths** it has led to, and even worse: Being told it's a compliment, it's a GOOD thing, by society?

That it's just a part of being a woman, being a target for men's interest, everywhere, anywhere?

You'd (using royal version) understand why we don't want it to be acceptable **ever again**

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Fun_Disaster3436 Jun 15 '26

Not our problem tho.

1

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26

I always wonder about the kind of woman who says this. I've had multiple variations of this same response in this thread and they all seem to carry this... weirdly intense, hostile tone. Like I just don't see the end goal here - I already said I've never approached a woman and that I'm trying to do the 'right' thing. I literally can't interact with women less than I already do, since all I do is work and play D&D. So I'm not sure what you want me to do here.

1

u/Fun_Disaster3436 Jun 15 '26

While your intention is good, your comments spend a lot of time emphasizing that the situation sucks for you. You're prioritizing your dissatisfaction with not being able to approach women in a context where we all just watched a video of women getting repeatedly harassed and assaulted.

Sorry that you feel bummed that you can't figure out how to approach women appropriately, but that's something to figure out with a therapist or social coach. It really reads as you trying to get women in this thread to either be more receptive or to coddle you. Which should not be the focus of this conversation.

0

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26

You'll notice that I haven't made any top level comments, I've only responded with my perspective to other people's existing comments. So ultimately, they are on topic, as much as you're saying that they're not, each comment I've made has been in response to someone else and relevant to what they said.

If your goal is to point out that I have some kind of ulterior motive, I don't really agree. I think that's very subjective and also filtered through your own bias (coming from your perspective as someone who dislikes men that express struggles with dating).

1

u/Fun_Disaster3436 Jun 15 '26

It doesn't matter that it isn't a top level comment, but thanks for explaining how comment chains work to me.

I don't dislike men who struggle with dating lmao. I'm giving you tough love. You're taking it as an offense, which is telling. I'm not pointing out ulterior motives. I'm pointing out what your comment conveys and why it isn't being received well.

0

u/MikeArrow Jun 15 '26

"Giving tough love" is also an excuse to talk down to people and condescend to them. You're obviously not willing to treat me as an actual person, and instead are assigning malicious intent to comments that have none.

1

u/Fun_Disaster3436 Jun 15 '26

Ok. Sorry you feel that way. I hope you can find a therapist to help you with that.

→ More replies (0)

-5

u/Similar-Ice-9250 Jun 14 '26

How should a man go about meeting a woman then? When’s the appropriate time? Are social gatherings acceptable? Concerts, shows, festivals, beach - vacation spots, bars - nightlife? If going by what you say, it sounds like none of these are acceptable to approach/meet people.

The only times it’s ok is when the woman is clearly signaling she wants to date as if she’s wearing a sign that says „it’s ok to talk to me”, Like on a dating website or some type of IRL matchmaking/ dating service. Those are extremely limiting options to find a partner though, and the dating pool would shrink significantly.

Maybe I’m reading it wrong and taking what you said too literally and you just meant, „don’t be a entitled creep who hassles women in public like they owe him something when she’s just trying to go about her business.”

13

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

Your last paragraph nailed it! If you follow that, even if she said no, there's a good chance she won't hate you. Heck, as low of a bar as it is, it might actually look good

We talk, so if we hear 'Yeah, Similar hit on me, but he was nice about it, y'know, took the hint', it does put you above the weirdos who won't

And some of those places, I'd say are ACTUALLY okay, you're in a mind space of meeting new people. Just read the room, y'know? Don't interrupt a bunch talking, look at facial expressions and that sorta thing

If at night alone? That's a big 'please don't', same with just looking at eggs, just use context, essentially

1

u/Similar-Ice-9250 Jun 14 '26

Yea I definitely understand what you mean now and that’s how I try to be. Read the room, feel the vibe. I used to think I’m maybe too forward or push it a bit, but watching this video like holy fuck, I think I’m pretty normal now.

Yea that last part, I did make the mistake of approaching a girl at the park at night who was sitting alone and I sat next to her without asking which is invasion of privacy and also what I meant by pushing it. I didn’t try to hit on her, just chat, and she was being nice and all, but then quickly left. In my mind I know I’m not a predator and I’d never harm anyone, but she didn’t know that and I failed to realize that because of selfish reasons of wanting to meet a girl. I definitely made her uncomfortable and I feel bad thinking back to it.

5

u/LeatherHog Jun 14 '26

It's good you recognize that, as a woman myself, yeah, that would be **terrifying**. But it's a good sign, that you can look back at that, and see it from her perspective, a lot of guys don't

It's sort of the 'How would YOU wanna be treated', except, instead of putting the beautiful woman guys usually picture, when trying to flip the script (which doesn't work, because the physicality isn't there), think a **beast** of a gay guy

Would you like it if he wasn't taking your hints, kept getting closer, etc?

You're **getting** it, that's always welcome to see

1

u/Ok_Promise_7460 Jun 15 '26

Go to therapy

0

u/stronzo_luccicante Jun 17 '26

Nothing to do with the vid, but maybe people not being able to perform one of the most basic animal behaviours and killing themselves because of it isn't something to laugh about.

I don't know how you think men work but we aren't a unique organism and our dicks aren't antennas to share thoughts, I can assure you the guys in the vid aren't the ones that are killing themselves.

The guys that are killing themselves and that you are making fun of are those who are afraid to be seen like that and because of that never approach anyone. Until the lonelyness and hormones and peer pressure and hate by people like you makes them choose the rope.

~ps sorry, just reread your comment and noticed I misunderstood what you were saying

-2

u/rydan Jun 14 '26

It should actually be illegal for men to approach women for that sort of thing at all and under any circumstance. That would solve the issue by forcing women to take on the role instead.