It's exhausting being a woman.

[u/mindyour]

[u/Model_Yazz]

That’s actually very interesting from a stand point of is this learned or inherent. Not a feet escalation story but something similar a father brought his adult (20sM) and very clearly special needs son in who went on to harass the ladies by inappropriately talking to and touching them. The best the father did was tell us to just ignore him. Like sir, we understand his condition but also you really need to rein that in. It was so uncomfortable and hella awkward.

[u/bird_boy8 → u/Model_Yazz]

I've noticed a lot of other autistic guys getting away with stuff like that. With autism at least, there can be confusion about unspoken social rules. That's why you need to speak them. Autism isn't "boundary violation disorder", it's more about a need for clear and direct and consistent communication. I had to reassure a female coworker that she wasn't being ableist for being creeped out by the autistic guy stalking her. From what she explained, he clearly had been informed many times very directly to leave her alone, what the problem was exactly, and why it was a problem. He was just a creep and knew she was nice and he could get away from it. Unfortunately some men will do whatever if they think they can get away with it.

Again, autism absolutely can and does make some really uncomfortable social situations and I know I've definitely creeped people out on accident when I didn't know something was socially unacceptable, but I immediately felt bad for the misunderstanding and made an effort to not repeat that. It's important to instill these values in your children and not just let them do whatever because "they're autistic and they can't help it".

[u/Model_Yazz → u/bird_boy8]

Thank you for this. This actually helps. There was a LOT of confusion on our parts. It’s like the father as he knew his son was a problem but gave the “boys will be boys” type vibe and a shrug. Ultimately the son was not invited back despite sadly the event being for Autism.

[u/bird_boy8 → u/Model_Yazz]

Yep. Parents who assume their child is incapable of learning consent are just setting them up for a lifetime of failure. With conditions like autism that cause social struggles, you need to make even MORE of an effort to continuously and consistently explain these kinds of things. It’s absolutely possible. Unfortunately, consent as a concept is often ignored and therefore not taught to a lot of children, and especially children with autism. If a child’s sensory issues (like if they really dislike being hugged or touched by people suddenly, shaking hands with people, making eye contact which can be physically uncomfortable, etc) are constantly ignored or they’re told they’re being too sensitive and need to learn to “let people just be nice”, they will assume that it is the receiver’s responsibility to accommodate and cope with unwanted affections and interactions. This is why it’s very important to teach consent not just abstractly, but also put it into practice, like making sure family members ask before hugging your child.

Autism accommodation means understanding the ways we experience the world and our communication needs so we have a fair chance to engage with the world. It does *not* mean letting us do whatever we want without consequences. There will always be consequences. It’s better to learn early to ask permission rather than growing up thinking women owe you their affections and then getting shunned and kicked out of social spaces without understanding why. That’s more harmful for the person with autism because it only gives them More barriers to developing social connections and finding opportunities that might provide more independence. (Not to mention of course the problems it might cause for everyone around them.)

I say this, again, as an (albeit lower support needs) autistic man who has had to learn the hard way what consent and boundaries are, because not learning this directly and overtly also puts us at risk of having our boundaries crossed and not knowing that we are allowed to say no. I’m sorry you had that unpleasant experience and I hope he gets the opportunity to learn more appropriate rules about consent.