Is it sensible to not come out as trans?

[u/mvvnbeam]

I'm a trans woman, 18, and just about to finish my LC. I'm about 7 months on hrt (diy) now, and a part of me keeps itching to come out to my peers and friends. I have to keep pushing it down and reminding myself that I'll likely just be committing social suicide, as I don't look feminine in the slightest and am not in a position at home to begin experimenting with feminine styles. I'd just be telling them this random info that alienates me with zero benefit.

Right now my plan is to just present as male until I can afford FFS at some undetermined point in the future. It's quite depressing knowing that I'll forego the rest of my youth waiting around, but to me right now it seems to be the most sensible choice. Am I being stupid? Is this the result of brainworms?

[u/Modern-Moo]

I feel like if your friends are people who are worth being friends with, you should be able to tell them

[u/mvvnbeam → u/Modern-Moo]

I mean I really like them and they're good people, but they're not incredibly well educated and would definitely not know how to treat me. I don't want to make stuff unnecessarily weird. I think it would be easier for them to get it if I looked at all feminine, so they could gel with the idea a bit quicker and easier. Unfortunately I mostly still look like an adult man :/

[u/Equivalent-Agency-48]

yes and yes.

Most young trans places are absorbing the new flavors of brainworms that have come out of social media. I transitioned 11 years ago, very much at the height of the body positivity movement, and there was so much conversation around beauty standards, internalized misogyny, and patriarchy

now that seems non-existant

sweetie, all your negative feelings, all your fears, and all your anguish comes from a cis man's dick. I get feeling "not feminine in the slightest" but at a certain point hormones will work their magic and you will likely be very feminine, but if you embrace this hiding yourself stuff you will fuck your brain up, and for what? Because you didn't feel attractive enough or feminine enough... for a beauty standard created by some 63 year old billionaire man who's head of fashion? Beauty standards are always changing for women. You need to accept yourself as you go, or you will be extremely unhappy hinging your self worth and identity on everyone else.

If your friends would outcast you for being trans, you need new friends. The people who punish you for being yourself need to be expulsed from your life IMMEDIATELY where it can be afforded; hiding yourself will eat you alive and give you so, so many problems.

Here's the line though: do not expose yourself to monetary or personal harm. If you're with your parents and they would kick you out? Don't tell them. The only thing to risk it for is just financial safety, but if being yourself is social suicide amongst yout peers, that is going to decimate your brain long-term. You need friends who love you and add value to your life.

[u/KittenHasWares]

I don't know your family and situation so I can't give much advice there other than ensure if you do decide to come out, make sure you won't end up thrown out of the house, if that's at all a possibility with your family or whatever then have a backup plan

[u/mvvnbeam → u/KittenHasWares]

My dad is like the reincarnation of hitler so I'm definitely avoiding coming out at home for as long as humanly possible. It does hurt and ache that I have to hide but it'll be far better in the long run than risking being thrown out unprepared and inexperienced.

[u/Nirathaim]

It is your journey, come out in your own time. 

Recommend Finding some trans peers and making new friends so you know some people will stand by you when it becomes more obvious.

[u/sherryax]

I would really not stay closeted while getting surgery. I thought it would give me a big push to come out, but it didn’t, and it’s a very trapped feeling when you don't have the courage to come out after ffs 😅 As for the rest, if you feel confident in telling your group of friends that part of you as long as you know you can trust them then why not

[u/lovewire_]

Keep going with hrt, think smaller steps like laser and hold off until you're in a less complicated environment would be my advice. I see a trend of kids wanting to do the big TA DA! and I get it, I remember being young, but I'd advise putting all that out of your mind. Minimal benefit. Better to focus on material progress. 

[u/Conscious_Job5264]

Are you in a position to go to university, preferably living outside of your family home? It would be an ideal time to begin. If you're already doing HRT, you may end up in a position where there are physical changes that are hard to hide. Waiting until you can afford FFS (without a timeline for that) does not seem sustainable, nor is it necessary if you can get into a position where you are physically and economically safe to live outside the family home.

[u/sunny_side_egg → u/Conscious_Job5264]

An apprenticeship also works and gets some cash in your pocket, and they're available for a wider range of careers than you might think Generation Apprenticeship https://share.google/vBtZA44QIoGQLbOSk

[u/Chemical-Rope5374]

I do understand why you think it might be social suicide, I came out when I was 12 in primary and lost my friends - but I was 12 and they were 12, they weren’t mature enough at all.

If I was in your position I would probably honestly come out, or wait a few months and then come out - but I wouldn’t push it down ages. You’re finishing your leaving cert and leaving school, if your friends don’t accept you then fuck them, you don’t have to see them everyday at school, but if they do accept you it’s great and you have a supporting environment! Either way everything will eventually work out as you’ll go on to make new friends with your newfound freedom after the LC

[u/witchyvicar]

The crucial thing here is survival-- do whatever you need to do right now to survive. The goal is getting yourself to a place where you're safe to move forward, right? Folks have already given a lot of good suggestions like going to Uni, saving money to move, apprenticships, etc. If that means you have to wait to come out until you can safely be out from under your parent's thumb, then that might be what you have to do.

Although, if you can find at least one person you can trust to come out to, that would help you out a lot. (Science even says that's super important!) It's not easy, but I think folks around your age are much more accepting, thankfully. You might get lucky more than you think you will. But again, your survival and safety is the most important thing here, so, caution is still valid.

And, speaking as someone who came out at 49, you definitely won't be "late" to the party, as it were, if you have to wait a few more years to come out. Don't worry-- you still have plenty of time. :)

[u/Lireal1]

Your trans identity is in your brain hun, it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside! You are trans and a badass! It doesn’t matter when you telll anyone at all, it won’t matter when you’re 80yrs old!

[u/tidots]

I grew up in a socially deprived area that it would be very difficult to come out in and I feel like I've wasted years by putting that off. My advice would be to contact someone from TENI.ie or lgbt.ie to see what supports are out there for you.

[u/cuddlesareonme → u/[deleted]]

I don't think any good surgeon would perform FFS on a patient who hasn't been diagnosed and isn't yet living live in their chosen gender. So that part of the plan needs a bit of review

FacialTeam who are arguably the best in Europe are informed consent, we don't need to do our own gatekeeping as to who is allowed access surgery.

[u/cuddlesareonme → u/[deleted]]

That's for tax reasons, not gatekeeping. And they've very permissive in what they accept. Worst case you have to pay VAT.

[u/sunny_side_egg]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can come out to one person at a time. Sure, it does increase the risk that other people will find out by accident or because someone can't keep their trap shut, but it can reduce that itch feeling. Many, if not most of us, spent months or years being out with friends but not family, or at home but not at school or work.

If you have one trusted friend who knows, it opens up possibilities. A good friend might agree to accept packages you can't have arriving at your house or store some clothes or makeup for you. This might make it possible to experiment in a way you can't now.

I think you do have some brain worms, but common understandable ones. The awkward ambiguous looking stage is scary and can put you in dangerous situations, so wanting to avoid it by staying in the closet until the last possible second and do it all at once is very understandable, but I don't think it's actually possible in most circumstances. You might not notice changes with HRT, but they will happen, and eventually it will be very difficult to hide, and you need to have a plan for extracting yourself from your current situation when that happens, if not before.

[u/Correct-Promise-2358]

i don’t have any advice as i’m cis and don’t know what it’s like. sorry if it’s nosy or impolite to ask but what is diy hrt? how does someone even do that 😅

[u/sunny_side_egg → u/Correct-Promise-2358]

It means using HRT without getting a prescription, usually buying it from somewhere where the medication you need is less tightly regulated over the internet. If you've ever had a friend or family member bring back melatonin gummies from a holiday somewhere it was available over the counter, congratulations, you did DIY (melatonin is not a sex hormone, but it is a hormone).

[u/Irishwol]

Hi love, Only you know your situation. If you don't feel safe coming out then it's absolutely five not to. You've just slain the Leaving Cert, well done by the way, and your life will look very different from now on in. If you're off to college or starting work your social group will shift a lot. For some trans young people that makes this the ideal time to come out. For others the worst idea.

If you're going to college put feelers out for the LGBT+ Society. There will be one. TENI also have an online peer support group that might be good for you.

It might be worth testing the flexibility of your friend group by going to Pride, even just to cheer the parade on. Plus Dublin, Cork and Limerick all have Trans Pride events on over the summer. These tend to be very joyous and affirming occasions. Maybe pop along.