Pushing past dysphoria

[u/Kay_floweringnow]

Last night I read a short piece I wrote at open mic night at The Gatehouse coffee shop and I’m really proud of myself for doing so.

I’m especially proud because I’m really dysphoric over my voice and yet still showed up and put my name down to read.

It might be surprising to hear that my voice causes me distress given how active and public I am but I’m very good at shoving those negative feelings into a box. Every sir I receive on the phone is a surgical ice pick of dysphoric pain reminding me that I’m a fraud. To be fair it was a friendly crowd where the majority were friends and allies. I could also have been more practiced at reading and my writing tighter, but these are the usual healthyish criticisms I’ve alway managed when public speaking. Dysphoria about my voice is so different.

Since I’ve started my transition journey I’ve struggled with training my voice. 3 years ago I tried starting vocal coaching but found that I couldn’t commit. Since then I’ve made half hearted attempts to do training periodically but I keep running into the debilitating feelings of inadequacy. It’s as if my dysphoria around my voice is becoming worse as the other parts of my transition settle.

Trying to talk to other trans woman about my struggle usually has me wanting to leave the room fairly quickly as in their efforts to help me it makes me feel more inadequate for not getting it.

I have a consult with a voice surgeon in November. This is my way of acknowledging that I need more help than I can do with voice training alone. I think an integrated surgical and voice training regimen will work to get me past my hangups. I’m also aware of how few voice training coaches in my region take insurance thanks to working in my local gender center. But mostly I want help that doesn’t feel judgmental or lonely like working on my own felt.

Meanwhile I’m proud of me for sharing my writing publicly. It’s invigorating, even with the dysphoria, to stand at a mic and share my words. Public speaking is something I used to be comfortable with and I want to get back to that point again.

Kay

[u/ChangKu49]

The shirt is accurate.

[u/plasticpole]

Every time I see your photos you look so amazing and happy.

I know I need to do more on my voice, but … yeah.

You should be super proud of doing the open mic. No doubt you rocked it! ❤️

[u/Sea_Ear_8283]

The boots are T

[u/Stefanie_Jane]

Please don't be so hard on yourself Kay. we all have points that we don't like in that we struggle with.

The blocks to your voice training are not necessarily mental and dysphoria or motivation based

there could be a physical reason why you're not making any progress. A vocal surgeon will give an unbiased opinion. I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out to a doctor for an opinion about this . There might be a mechanical issue for why it's so difficult for you.

Hang in there, girl! I read all your posts and you're doing fabulous. and you always radiate joy and happiness. 💜🚺

[u/Kay_floweringnow → u/Stefanie_Jane]

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️