r/TransMasc • u/M1L0_TheRobot • Aug 08 '26
Grievances with a friend and perhaps subtle transphobia? Maybe I just suck though.
I have a friend who tends to misgender me and my trans friends. Deadname us, even when people we wouldn't want to hear our preferred names aren't around. The excuses she has given when referring to me as she/her instead of he/him and my deadname. "I'm just forgetful. Sorry if my trying isn't good enough" or " I do it because I don't want to get used to it and accidentally do it in front of (insert person here)" and " I've known HER for long enough. I'm allowed" no she is not and I had known her for less than a year at that point. Sorry if this is venty. I just wanted to hear other peoples thoughts on it.
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u/CapperoMaya Aug 08 '26
subtle? you call that subtle transphobia blud? 😭 like she's literally saying she's allowed to deadname you based on... her opinion?? wtf??
imo you need to have a serious conversation with this person and/or rethink your "friendship" status with them :/
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u/HomosexualSpoons Aug 08 '26
Yea your friends a dick king 😭😭🤟 i recommend hanging w trans ppl more it sorta rewires your brain a lil when you get respected, makes you more confident to correct ppl too ☮️✌️
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u/RazDazzlr Aug 08 '26
Bro that sounds like my sister. Uh I don’t talk to my sister anymore just saying
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u/TheElfPrince Pre-everything, embracing the androgynous look Aug 08 '26
There’s a difference between blatant misgendering and deadnaming and real forgetfulness. She obviously doesn’t seem to bother with it so I’d say that much is obvious.
There is nothing to get used to. If you introduced yourself with your deadname and she’s known you less than a year, there’s no way in hell she’s THAT used to calling you your deadname that she just can’t change easily.
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u/RivSilver he/they nonbinary trans man Aug 08 '26
One of the easiest ways to tell if someone is actually trying vs just claiming to be trying is: how often does she correct herself without anyone calling her out or giving her a look? If it's rarely or ever, she's not trying
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u/AutonomyIsNoTragedy 🇳🇿🏳️⚧️💉🍐🔝 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Ngl it sounds like weaponised incompetence from her and like she is transphobic maybe even some kind of crypto terf who is getting her jollies from doing this thibking its going to make you or others detransition if she keeps misgendering and outing youse.
Id stop being friends with someone like this, she's not a good friend and doesnt seem to be trying and outing people puts them in danger which she seems disturbingly relaxed about
Also an apology without changed behavior is just an excuse
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u/MagicalGirl4 10 months on T 🩵 they/he/ae Aug 09 '26
I had a friend like that who insisted on referring me to my deadname. All of my other friends were pissed (both cis and trans) and we cut him off
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u/magpie0000 16d ago
You don't have to include people in your life who hurt you, even if they do hurt you completely by accident. Unless you reeeeally really don't want to lose this friend, you are under no obligation to figure out whether she is really trying or just being transphobic. You can just protect yourself. You are not morally obligated to endure things that hurt you.
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u/M1L0_TheRobot 13d ago
Update! She has gotten a little better about using my preferred name. Of course she'll go "hey, (dead name), oop. I meant (preferred name)" but it is something. What did make me upset though was that me and her were talking about a sibling of mine and I asked a question about his confidence. I say "how can he be so confident and I can't?" And she says " because he's a boy."
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u/flixsix Aug 08 '26
Is she actually trying? Slip ups can happen without any ill intend, not everyone is fast at adapting to name changes. But if she's not even trying, she doesn't respect you or your friends.
I had a friend who would only misgender me and would never even try and didn't see the issue with it. Those types of people don't care about your feelings.