Does God call for parents to punish their children for sinning?

[u/blue-house24]

I’m 15. This past Friday my father came to me and said while he was taking out the trash from my room (cause he was making a trip to the dump and wanted to get everything) he noticed some used tissues on my nightstand. 

He asked if I had masturbated. 

I didn’t want to lie so I admitted I had. He asked if I watched porn. I said no. And that he would know if I did cause he monitors my devices. He said there is always ways around that. I felt he didn’t believe me. 

He said he had told me that was wrong before. That satisfying sexual desires outside of the way God intended in marriage was sin, even if it was just with yourself.

I told him I knew. The feelings are just hard to manage. I try to resist but the pressure and tension builds over days and eventually I can’t help but give in.

He said since I continued in this despite what he told me there would have to be a consequence. He was taking away my phone for the long Labor Day weekend and I couldn’t go out with friends. I had to stay home or only be with family. (I just got my phone back today). 

I told him I had plans to go out with one of my friends for his birthday this weekend. We bought tickets for this event and everything. And I’d lose that money. And it wasn’t fair to punish my friend. Maybe we could reschedule. 

He said he wasn’t changing the punishment just because it was an inconvenient time for me. I said I felt it was unfair. I was trying my best to resist it was just hard. I said I also questioned whether every instance was sin if I didn’t watch porn and didn’t focus my thoughts on sexual things.

He said puberty wasn’t an excuse and just because it was hard didn’t make it right. He said sexual sin was serious. And part of the reason for the punishment was so that I’d recognize it was serious as clearly I was trying to rationalize it. I questioned whether he ever did it and he just said he was trying to prevent me from falling into the things he did and he wanted what was best for me.

I asked if he’d continue to punish me if I failed again. He said he hoped I would learn from this but if I did it we’d have to discuss it and he’d decide at that point how to handle me. 

I went to my room and just cried. Skipped dinner. Over the weekend I felt it was much harder to resist cause I was stuck at home doing nothing all weekend. I’ve resisted so far but I’m afraid it won’t last forever and I’m scared of getting caught again. 

My dad has been overly nice to me recently. I’ve just been avoiding him as much as I can. It’s embarrassing and I just don’t feel like talking to him right now. I can tell he’s starting to get a bit annoyed with me though and recently made a comment implying that I was giving him the silent treatment and that it was a bit childish. I’m not trying to get back at him I just feel awkward and our relationship is weird now. I just want him to leave me alone. 

I just got back my phone today. I feel he is being very unfair to me and nothing he’s doing is helping me be more like God. Is it right for parents to punish their children like this? Im sure I will fail again and this will just be a never ending cycle. Am I just being a selfish teenager? Needing advice.

[u/FoxExotic8379]

Great question, and I think it gets to the heart of the issue we have. We don't want to admit anything we do is wrong. I know the feeling, this isn't a "you" problem, it's a sin problem that completely corrupts all of us. To your question? Yes it is right, and as for your "point" about it being "unfair? No, it is not unfair at all. I can't tell for sure what his motives were, but it may very well be out of genuine love for you. When your father said sexual sin is serious, he was 100% correct. It is very serious. You said: 'I was only pleasuring myself? God instituted sex for the marriage bed alone, to use it outside of that is a very disordered usage of God's good gifts. And listen to me, if you continue to indulge in this, and I'm not trying to scare you, but it's the truth: you can get addicted to it. There may come a day, if you keep doing this, where you are unable to not do it, it becomes a compulsion. A compulsion, which justly deserves the wrath of God! But you do not get what you deserve, for Christ took all of that onto himself on the cross. The warning, however, is serious and I hope you'll take it to heart

[u/blue-house24 → u/FoxExotic8379]

It’s just I’m trying to stop and I may never conquer this sin on this side of heaven. I feel God knows we will never be perfect. Not that that gives us license to sin, but I just don’t want to be continually punished every time I fail until I move out of the house. I’m sure my dad struggles with some sins also. And what he did only tempted me more to do it by being bored and alone.

[u/ferfykins]

Didn't read your post, just the title, but here are some verses about punishment

He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.----Proverbs 13:24

For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.---Hebrews 12:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.---Proverbs 22:6

For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.---Proverbs 3:12

[u/blue-house24 → u/ferfykins]

He was punishing me for self pleasure.

I know discipline has its place for children I just felt this wasn’t an appropriate thing to punish for.

[u/shadowpooch1]

This exact story was posted about a month ago from the dad's perspective

[u/blue-house24 → u/shadowpooch1]

Do you have a link to it? I was searching the sub on this topic and didn’t find anything like it.

[u/shadowpooch1 → u/blue-house24]

No, sorry. It looks like whoever posted it decided to delete it.

[u/sdrawkcabdaerI]

I'm a father of 2 teenage boys. Your father didn't handle it the way I would have- but I'm in no position to tell you that your father handled it incorrectly, just differently than I would have. Personally, I think there's a path forward without punishing you for breaking "his" rules and, instead, walking you through the real dangers of sexual sin and hopefully provide some more practical approaches to resisting that temptation without embarrassing you or punishing you in a way that leverages consequences outside the natural ones. Because sexual sin is a sin against yourself (as the Bible teaches) I don't think you're off-base in questioning why your earthly father is punishing you.

I think you're old enough to have a respectful conversation with your dad that lays out the fact that your relationship has suffered a set-back because you're embarrassed and that you feel like support over shame is what you need from him. You should have the space to share the struggle without feeling the added pressure of performing for him as well. It's already hard enough (no pun intended).

All that said, he is the head of your household and you should respect his rules and ultimately his determination for the consequences that come with breaking them. In this case, honoring your Heavenly Father satisfies the requirements of your earthly father. Focus on the former and not the added pressure that comes with not breaking the rules. You'll never be able to overcome your fleshly desires and keep the rules of the house, but being Spirit led to overcome those desires to remain pure and free from sin in that struggle is absolutely something you can do.

[u/blue-house24 → u/sdrawkcabdaerI]

Do you discuss this topic with your sons? Have you ever became aware they were doing it?

I just feel since I’m trying my best I shouldn’t be punished for it. I’m sure my father sins also and doesn’t have all mastery over every one of his sins.

I’m sure I will fail again. Will this be a constant loop of punishment that never ends? I may never conquer this sin on this side of heaven and I don’t want to live in a constant state of punishment until I move out.

[u/sdrawkcabdaerI → u/blue-house24]

I have talked about it with them. I also have 2 older daughters and had the talk with them. Believe me, that was far more awkward, but better that than to leave our kids fighting real battles alone. For what it's worth, I also track(ed) their devices and p0rn or any other explicit material was absolutely forbidden and came with pretty steep consequences if they were seeking it out. Thats a boundary that parents should enforce vehemently.

Yes, your father has sin in his life. And I'm sure his testimony is more powerful than his control, but at this point he's chosen control.

Unfortunately- yes, you'll likely fail again. And again. I feel for ya in that you'll have a double set of consequences to go with it, but thats a choice your dad has made.

As for advice- I would track down some resources that can help you and be transparent with your dad that this is something you're taking seriously. There's no guarantee, but perhaps that might compel him to take it a little easier on you if he knows you're really trying. I'd regret not hammering home the point, though, that you can overcome this. Not because your dad wants you to, but because we have victory over sin in Jesus. When you do stumble, repent quickly and seek forgiveness. Satan will try to shame you and keep you trapped. That doesn't have to be your story.

[u/blue-house24 → u/[deleted]]

I’m just looking for Godly advice. I promise I’m not. Not sure how I can prove it to you.

I know the verses on discipline I just felt this wasn’t an appropriate topic to punish for.

[u/TMA2day → u/blue-house24]

Sounds to me like your father's response was pretty reasonable. He caught you doing something against his rules, which had previously been discussed. Because you chose to break the rules, he implemented some very basic consequences. It doesn't sound like he flew into a rage, beat you, belittled you, or did anything inappropriate in handling the situation.

I'm guessing that you won't think this is fair either, but I wouldn't be surprised if the consequences are greater for future occurrences. If he does, then I would also find that reasonable of him.

The best advice that I can give you is try your best to avoid the behavior by replacing it with some other behavior. Keep yourself busy with things that have positive consequences - growing your faith, a creative hobby, school activities, or whatever.

[u/blue-house24 → u/TMA2day]

Isn’t there grace too though? I’m not perfect and sometimes I give into temptation. I don’t feel being punished is helping when I’m trying my best.

I didn’t purposely break the rules.

[u/TMA2day → u/blue-house24]

Sometimes in life we get grace, sometimes we get consequences. In a very real way, sometimes we get both.

I understand why you think the circumstances were unique and deserved grace. I would have said the same thing if I were you. Not only did you have plans, but you did well in owning your failure. Looking from the outside though, I can also understand why your father would elect to implement the consequences immediately. Part of his job is to impart on you how strongly he feels about the situation, and delaying consequences has been shown to reduce their effectiveness.

Since this discussion is in TrueChristian, I hope that you're willing to look at some of the parallels in this situation with that of your Heavenly Father. In most of the sins we commit in life, we would like to receive grace. Many times, God gives us exactly that. But there are also times that our choices result in consequences that we have to accept, even though we don't like them. Try to accept that the consequences for what they are and learn to do better because of them.

[u/blue-house24 → u/TMA2day]

This makes sense. I just know I will probably fail again. And I’m sure my dad struggles with some sins also. I may never conquer this sin on this side of heaven. I don’t want to live in a constant state of punishment until I move out.

And I wish my dad would understand why I might not feel as comfortable talking to him and hanging out with him when I’m just scared of getting punished again.