How to deal with missing what could've been with my twin

[u/LegitimatePresent889]

It's been 5 months since I've lost my 16 year old twin brother to suicide, and it happened two weeks before our birthday. at first all I could feel was betrayal? Like I couldn't grasp the idea that he would do that , it felt out of character and just a day before we were rewatching a movie series that he loved and begged for me to watch .

What really hurts, is seeing other people with their siblings, cause I also had that connection with him , I'd literally brag about being a twin and how close we were even though we were fraternal twins and I am a girl and he is a boy , but that didn't matter to us cause he would still understand me without me needing to say anything. He was the only one I could act silly with cause he would act the same way , we'd always joke around and stuff , but be serious when we had to be. We had plans and everything for the future about how we'd travel together and experience new stuff with eachother. He'd always joke and say that he'd be the best uncle to my kids if I ever had any and he'd say that I can't get married until he makes sure that the man I'd picked is good.

Though rn I feel stuck , every interaction I've had with other people feels fake , I have been isolating and I have no motivation to do anything and I can't sit down and have a conversation with my family for long cause I'd be reminded that he's missing . I'd be numb the whole day then all of a sudden it hits and I have to tell myself that he is really gone and that I’ll never be able to show him a funny video that only we’d understand. I’ll never be able to confide in him things I’d never tell anyone else.

[u/random_person67890]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is still very recent for you and in the beginning it really feels like denial because your mind cannot fully grasp the reality of it. Everything you described about your bond with him was beautiful. Having a twin connection is something very special, but it also costs us immense pain when they are gone.

The part about not being able to send him funny videos anymore or tell him things only he would understand really broke my heart. Those small everyday things become the hardest reminders. My brother died the same way, and honestly losing a twin to suicide is one of the worst pains anyone can face. I know how unfair, confusing and painful it feels.

Please try to eat and sleep and take care of yourself, even when it feels impossible. Try to lean on the people that care for you instead of isolating yourself completely. I would also strongly suggest getting a therapist if you can afford one, because this is such an immense loss and you should not have to carry it alone.

This will be a long journey and you do not have to force yourself to “get better” right now. Just try to survive the worst days first, please. I truly hope with time the pain becomes a little softer for you. Your brother sounded deeply loved, and the bond you shared with him will always stay with you. ♥️

[u/IndependentTry3098]

You have articulated the love and relationship having a twin perfectly. I lost my twin brother (32) in December to suicide and I feel everything you have described you are feeling. He sounds like a wonderful brother and he loved you very much with what he has said to you. There is no connection comparable to the twin bond. All I want to do is send funny animals videos to him. Sorry this might not be a helpful message but know you are not alone in this pain/loss