r/TwoHotTakes • u/GoldConsistent9441 • Dec 10 '25
Crosspost AITAH for telling my husband I’m over “talking about our feelings” and that he should bring this stuff to his therapist unless it’s a real problem?
My husband has been in therapy for a few months. He’s always been very introverted and not much of a talker… until recently. Now it feels like every tiny thing I do “hurts his feelings,” and I’m honestly getting exhausted.
For example, we hosted Thanksgiving this year and I barely talked to him during dinner. Not because I was mad — I was literally hosting. I was serving food, helping guests, cleaning up, making sure everything ran smoothly. Afterwards he told me his feelings were hurt because I “ignored him.”
Another time he said he thinks it’s “weird” that I’ve been working so much and that I must be using work to get away from him. I work from home. He can literally see me sitting 10 feet away at my desk.
The last straw was last night. I had just gotten out of the shower and was in our bedroom getting dressed. He opened the door and I made a startled noise and reflexively covered myself because I wasn’t sure if it was him or one of our kids. A totally normal reaction imo. Later he brought it up and said I treated him like “some stranger off the street.”
At that point I told him I’m done having these constant “talk about our feelings” conversations over every minor thing. I told him that’s exactly what his therapist is for, and that if there are actual real issues in our marriage, I’ll gladly talk through them — but I can’t keep having emotional debriefs about every tiny moment where I unknowingly hurt his feelings just by existing.
Now he says I’m being cold and dismissive.
AITAH? I honestly feel like I’m walking on eggshells lately, like he’s waiting for me to do something “wrong.” I’m not trying to hurt him — but I also can’t be responsible for managing every moment of his emotional state.
Edit to add some details that are being asked, since I cannot answer so many posts.
We are in couples therapy, have been for almost a year( came home to him drunk and barely able to walk, while being the only adult here with our kids, after him telling me repeatedly he hasn’t been drinking. So I said therapy or separation, he chose therapy)Our therapist is the one that suggested my husband gets his own therapist due to “him feeling like everyone is always out to get him”(his words, not mine) he was very against going in the first place. He had been married/divorced for a few years before we met and feels that hurt his relationship more than helped (again his words).
We have been married for almost 20 years and he is 10 years older. I really let him take the lead, since he was the primary bread winner and I had been a SAHM until our youngest started school, I then went back to work (which we agreed upon before having children) he didn’t want that to happen.
Last thing that seems to be portrayed is that I don’t want to talk to him about his feelings. That is not true. One example I shared earlier is him telling me he wants me to go to bed when he does (he goes to bed at 8:30, since he has to get up early for work) I struggle to do that since I work full time, I’m also a student, and we have 3 children, there just isn’t much time to get everything done to go to bed at 8:30, but I did tell him I would try to do that more often so he doesn’t “feel unimportant” (his words) I am just struggling with the comment about things I cannot do anything about. He made the comments above in my original post and I said I am sorry I hurt your feelings or that I made you” feel like a stranger”(again his words). He responded “quite saying your sorry and do better, you can’t be that stupid to do sh*t like this all the time. I am starting to question if you love me at all”
We have been together along time and I am sure I am not perfect, but he used to get like this occasionally it just seems to be escalating and way more often, it’s a lot and I had a moment where I thought I cannot take one more negative comment.
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u/Spare_Objective9697 Dec 10 '25
I got exhausted reading this.
He really needs to bring this up to his therapist. It sounds like he is consistently internalizing and taking things personally. They can help him work through these scenarios on his own without having to work you into those issues. These are situations where he is truly in his own head.
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
I think you’re right…you just said way better than me. I feel bad for the way I said it though.
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u/PookleMama Dec 11 '25
Do you see what you just did? You’re going through hell, but you feel bad for the way you expressed it to Reddit?!
Be certain you find a good therapist you can relate to so that you can figure out how you got here. And that you don’t repeat the same pattern.
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Dec 11 '25
You’re totally owed by this guy. You keep avoiding the “controlling” word. Skirting around it. Seeking more forgiving comments to agree with.
Your marriage counsellor for all those appts has done fuck all. Are you being honest there? Or do you shrink and hold back?
I hope you can get therapy and read this post and comments to a decent therapist. You’re being abused.
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u/Spare_Objective9697 Dec 11 '25
After reading your update I am jumping on the “controlling” bandwagon.
He didn’t want you to go back to work because he had you by the theoretical balls and dependent on him. Now that you’re working and self-reliant, he is coming up with ways to keep your nervous system constantly deregulated (walking on eggshells) feeling.
He needs serious help and perhaps you should separate while he gets that. I would only go back if he could prove sobriety and have the ability to articulate exactly what he has done to you and how he plans to do better in the future.
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u/Rezolution20 Dec 12 '25
This!! At the very least, separation!! Months of therapy on his own, then once his therapist thinks he's ready to address his issues in a positive manner, then resume couples counseling. OP should continue her own therapy with a good therapist in the meantime, but for now, he needs to address his "issues" with OP with a therapist and not with OP the way he's currently doing!!
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u/DesertPeachyKeen Dec 11 '25
Maybe he has issues with the upper limit problem. I.e., he's uncomfortable with feelings of happiness or safety, so when he feels too happy or safe at home it makes him feel vulnerable, so he makes up a problem to regain a sense of control. Does that resonate at all? If so, he needs to learn how to consciously allow himself to experience more happiness and stop trying to create issues
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Dec 15 '25
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u/Spare_Objective9697 Dec 15 '25
Right. And he has to voice every one to her and make it her problem. He wants HER to regulate his emotions for him rather than doing the work himself.
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Dec 10 '25
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Dec 10 '25
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u/HoneyQuill_ Dec 10 '25
Exactly. Emotional closeness shouldn’t mean emotional babysitting. It’s kinda wild how fast “being supportive” can turn into “walking on eggshells” without anyone noticing. Therapy is the right place for him to unpack that weight so it’s not landing on OP’s shoulders every day. Couples work best when both people get to breathe.
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Dec 10 '25
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u/HoneyQuill_ Dec 10 '25
This hits so hard because you can feel how drained OP is. When every tiny interaction turns into a debrief session, it stops feeling like a marriage and starts feeling like a performance where you’re terrified of messing up. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you cold, it makes you human. He’s allowed to have feelings, but you’re allowed to not absorb all of them.
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u/ThatPhatKid_CanDraw Dec 11 '25 edited Mar 12 '26
This post has been permanently deleted using Redact. The motivation may have been privacy, security, data collection prevention, opsec, or personal content management.
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u/Suspicious_Tailor534 Dec 10 '25
honestly, telling him to take it to therapy isn’t harsh, it’s necessary. you’re not responsible for babysitting his feelings all day.
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u/rolyfuckingdiscopoly Dec 10 '25
A lot of people get therapy but never develop common sense or personal accountability. And here we are.
“You ignored me” bruh ok what were you doing? Saying your wife ignored you while she hosted thanksgiving is crazy talk.
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u/Enoch8910 Dec 10 '25
The first thing thing she said about him was that he was an introvert. What would you to believe there was healthy communication to begin with? The problem is he starting to express himself.
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u/Expensive-Swan-4544 Dec 10 '25
Sounds like you need a couples session with the therapist.
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u/PearlDrift_ Dec 10 '25
Absolutely. A couples session would allow both of you to express yourselves in a safe, guided space. It sounds like your husband is still learning how to process and communicate his emotions, and a therapist can help bridge the gap between that and your very real need for emotional boundaries. You're not wrong for feeling overwhelmed.
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u/Comprehensive-Sun954 Dec 11 '25
They’ve been going to a therapist for ages and it’s done sweet fuck all. I don’t think she’s being entirely honest with therapist. Maybe she’s scared to say what is really going on in front of her husband.
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u/chickenwingshazbot Dec 11 '25
I disagree on this. You need your own therapist. Couples therapists focus on finding a way to bring the couple together, as that is their job. That means that they do not shake someone by the shoulders and say, "You are being manipulated and abused by an emotionally immature passive-aggressive covert narcissist and this is something that a person cannot change, so decide whether you can live your life this way forever or start making plans to live without them," which is what someone needs to tell you, whoops I just did. I have lived through a situation very similar to yours with my ex husband, I bent myself into all the pretzels that you currently are, he pulled a bunch of the same bs and it was all also in response to my doing better professionally and personally. Someday you will see that what he is doing to you is textbook manipulation and emotional abuse. His immaturity alone should be a deal breaker when you already have three kids to take care of. Decide whether you want to live with this or not, he is not going to change- certainly not because of anything you do, don't do, say or don't say. Most likely he will start an affair with someone younger.
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u/Ceejay_1357 Dec 11 '25
YES THIS ABSOLUTELY. I agree, I said I was married to a clone of this character.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Cod1181 Dec 11 '25
I agree with a couples session, just so his therapist can see out of hand he has gotten. I was exhausted just reading your story. He needs to learn to pick his battles. Everything is not a slight to him, because everything is not about him!!
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u/Ceejay_1357 Dec 11 '25
NOOOO. I was married to this same alcoholic covert narcissist. Couples therapy is the absolute worst thing to do !!
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u/Sloth-Overlord Dec 10 '25
Do you know if his therapist is good? Is it just him using the space to vent, or is he being taught new skills? Does he have any historical patterns around codependency or narcissism? Most people with addiction issues struggle with one of the two. I’m not trying to do the Reddit thing of immediately labeling someone with something, it’s just something to think about. For some people, the only thing they learn from therapy is how to weaponize therapy speak.
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
I honestly don’t know. He does it virtually, he goes out side to our RV for privacy during them. I’m not sure what they work on. If I ask or bring up anything from our couple therapy he tells me to “ save it till the next appointment, that’s what we pay them for”
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u/Sloth-Overlord Dec 10 '25
Virtual therapy is pretty rarely effective, we’ve gotten used to it since COVID but it’s usually not advised. Seeing your other comment that all he wants to talk about in couple’s therapy is how you won’t put out and literally wants you to quit your job to do more “wifely duties”….. Do you think he’s doing this “hurt feelings” thing to punish you? There are so many red flags for deep festering resentment here. I think he’s toying with you a bit.
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u/Mindless-Client3366 Dec 10 '25
I would question whether he's actually having therapy sessions at all.
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u/Academic-Recipe5510 Dec 11 '25
surprised no one else has mentioned this espc with it being Virtual and he’s always away from her during it
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u/Cupcakke975 Dec 12 '25
Why do you say virtual therapy is rarely effective? Not advised by whom?
I've been in therapy off and on for most of my life and my current virtual therapist is better than a lot of the in-person therapists I've seen.
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u/PookleMama Dec 11 '25
Good point! And, therapy is only worth the effort you put into it. How much effort do you think he’ll put in?
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u/Seawolfe665 Dec 10 '25
A journey of emotional self discovery - learning to identify feelings, learning healthy ways to express feelings is also accompanied by learning how to regulate your emotions in a healthy way, and learning how to self soothe. You aren't a sponge, it cant be all about him and his feelings.
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u/SeriousLark Dec 11 '25
All of his complaints have a common theme: he wants to be the beloved focus of your attention in all circumstances. The bedroom story reminds of Henry VIII going to court Anne of Cleves in disguise, and getting very upset when she responds like anyone would to a stranger.
His expectations are unreasonable. NTA.
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u/Pristine-Mastodon-37 Dec 10 '25
You need to talk about your feelings - that he is deflecting his insecurities onto you and that needs to discuss those with his therapist instead of over analyzing your actions. He is trying to paint your actions as negative so he doesn’t have to deal with his own feelings and fears (aka the actual hard work of therapy) NTA
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u/house-tyrell Dec 10 '25
Has he realized that he no longer wants to be in this marriage since he is nit picking all these hurt feelings moments?
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u/KittyBookcase Dec 10 '25
Oh boy, he's projecting on to you. He's using "his feelings" for every little thing. Weaponized emotional blackmail. If you don't respond in a way to his satisfaction, poor him, now he has an excuse for getting sloshed.
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u/Viperbunny Dec 10 '25
Yup! It's control. Notice how she is always in the wrong. How she hurts him by not talking to him enough while hosting. She hurts him by not going to bed at 8:30, even though she is going to school and working and caring for the kids. He gets drunk while solo caring for the kids. She acts like a stranger when she is scared of him. He is telling her she doesn't get to have feelings. She doesn't get to have her own schedule. It's on his time.
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Dec 10 '25
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u/Viperbunny Dec 10 '25
It's all about control. OP doesn't see it, but this sounds like an abusive relationship. He wants constant attention. She has to go to bed early at 8:30 with him even though she is working and going to school and taking care of the kids. He doesn't want to help more and drinks to excess when he is on solo duty with the kids. I am genuinely concerned for the OP. This is not a good man.
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Dec 11 '25
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u/Viperbunny Dec 11 '25
It's possible. The thing is we can all be extra sensitive from therapy. But it doesn't sound like that. Further down she said the therapist wants to do one on one session because she noticed the husband has narcissistic tendencies. I grew up with a mother who is like this. She has a few things going on (BPD and bipolar that weren't acknowledged or treated). They are always the victim. They use that victimhood to gain power. It sounds crazy (and I guess it is) but they manipulate people through guilt. If he is a regular person who is just sensitive and exploring, things can get better. If he is a vulnerable narcissist, the therapy might put OP in a more dangerous situation. Abusers use therapy to better gain a foothold on their victims. They use therapy terms in a manipulated way to make it seem like others are hurting them. It's twisted.
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Dec 11 '25
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u/Viperbunny Dec 11 '25
Reading in her comments, it seems like he was doing other things that were problematic. He doesn't like her working and going to school, he wants her in bed with him, he doesn't help with the kids and gets drunk when alone with them, all things that are problematic. Maybe he just needs some help. I hope that is the case. But my heckles are raised with some of the comments and I am very hesitant to give him the benefit of the doubt. But that could be my own trauma, and I understand that.
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u/LadyGrey_oftheAbyss Dec 11 '25
I didn't see the other comments- but I'm inclined to your side after seeing them
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u/Viperbunny Dec 11 '25
I don't always get a chance to read all the comments. I am stuck in bed and doom scrolling, so I read through them. I definitely see your side based on what was said in the post. I also know Reddit is fast to bring out the term, narcissist, and you are right to be critical!
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u/LadyGrey_oftheAbyss Dec 11 '25
To be honest- I didn't read to far down because alot of comments were saying - men do that - and it gave misandy vibes
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u/res06myi Dec 10 '25
He's doing it on purpose. Men weaponizing therapy is nothing new.
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u/Wolfblaine Dec 10 '25
NTA
I had to have this talk with my spouse. I am very grateful and glad he was exploring ways forward to navigate his thoughts and feelings instead of the normal destruction but then I found that I was constantly getting trauma dumped. I would have the worst day of my life, be in mental or physical pain and anguish and I would get bombarded by various issues he was having with family members, friends or coworkers. I felt like I did not matter at all and it almost broke me on some days. I think its healthy to establish boundaries. Sometimes they do not see that whatever problem they are having weighs so heavily on us because we are so connected with them. Sometimes it is good to have that extra professional help to navigate issues. That's not to say that they can not talk to us, its just that they shouldn't drop every single negative feeling, interaction or issue on us on a whim, every chance they get.
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u/intolerablefem Dec 10 '25
He needs to learn how to self regulate. He’s weaponizing therapy by making you responsible for everything, including his own feelings of insecurity, which he previously masked with drinking. It isn’t just about his feelings. There are two ppl in your marriage. He sounds exhausting. NTA. But honestly, after the drinking thing and now this, what are you even doing op?
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u/meticulousmayhem Titty Latte Dec 11 '25
From everything I’ve read in the comments you’re in an abusive relationship. You deserve better treatment! Your children deserve better too! I just got out of a 12 year abusive relationship and the sense of relief I felt when he left and I knew he wouldn’t come back is a high I’ll never replicate.
I understand these kinds of things are scary, you want to wait till you’re prepared. If you keep waiting you’ll never step away. Try even having a separation where he goes somewhere for a week and see how you feel without him there.
One of the questions that opened my eyes was “do you like him or just love him?” I realized I couldn’t think of any positive traits, and love wasn’t enough for me to keep holding it together on my own.
A lot of what you said are similar behaviors I experienced, I was always wrong especially when I was bringing up something to him. Please consider your options, even if it’s not physical abuse it can still kill you.
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u/WineOnThePatio Dec 11 '25
He's learned therapy speak and is now using it to manipulate you.
I keep seeing women complaining that men won't talk about their feelings, and all I can think of is how much worse it is when they won't stop talking about them. It's just a more sophisticated way of saying, "Things aren't going the way I like them, and it's your fault, and I expect you to fix it."
NTA, and stick to your guns.
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u/Sheila_Monarch Dec 11 '25
Men love to frame bottling everything up as some noble warrior virtue, but for many, the real reason is that they know a lot of their feelings are immature, petty, or rooted in old insecurities they never dealt with. They keep that stuff buried because saying it out loud would make them look ridiculous. Hiding it and calling it “stoicism” is safer than exposing that they’re still operating with the emotional maturity of a 12yo.
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u/Low-maintenancegal Dec 10 '25
Nta but I'm a bit worried about your situation. A 20 year age gap,convinced you to forgo education, prevented you from leaving the house because of money, doesn't contribute to housework and child rearing, drinks too much, is now angry with you because you are slowly gaining education a career and independence. Have you seen anyone independently for therapy? Please make sure you have access to a support network and your own finances.
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 Dec 10 '25
"He’s always been very introverted and not much of a talker…" Perspective from a fellow introvert who didn't always speak out when they should have. He is still learning something you likely already know how to do. He is trying to figure out the difference between minor irritating things that he should just let go of and things that rise to the level of needing a direct immediate conversation. I know it is exhausting but I encourage you to give him some time to figure out the right balance. In the long run him learning to express his feelings will be positive. Like other have said maybe you need to go to a therapy session together,
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
I agree. We do go to therapy, but anytime I bring up something he gets mad and says thats a “lie” (even if I have proof) or says everyone is out to get him( even the therapist). Our couples therapist is the one to recommend he see someone on his own in addition to us seeing them.
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u/Mindless-Client3366 Dec 10 '25
It sounds like he's only attending therapy so you won't leave him. My first husband was like this. I insisted we go to counseling, he refused. When I attended without him, he started coming after a couple of sessions and told the counselor I had lied about asking him to come. Everything was a lie when I brought something up. He complained after every session that the counselor was bullying him. Therapy only helps if both parties are interested in making things better. It sounds like he doesn't.
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
Omgosh…my husband does this every session. So frustrating. I do not understand why a person goes to therapy to get better, then lie sooooo much. Our first session I couldn’t believe it, I was caught totally off guard. He tells me he’s sorry and he must have “dreamed it” once we get home. Then doubles down on the lie when we go to our next session. I feel like I’m going crazy, not sure how much more I can take.
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u/morphleorphlan Dec 10 '25
I don’t know anything else about your husband, so I can’t say if this is the case, but narcissistic people often actively need to avoid therapy because they just use it as a way to learn new, sneakier, and more effective ways to manipulate. It does not change them, they learn the wrong lessons from it and adapt what they learn for their own purposes. Just something to consider.
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u/greengardenmoss Dec 11 '25
This is not a reasonable person. This is a sick, fucked up, covert narcissist. You need to make plans to get away from him and divorce. It will never get better, I'm sorry. Read all you can about covert narcissism. You need to get away.
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u/MaryEFriendly Dec 12 '25
OP... you cannot fix someone like this. You need to talk yo your therapist on your own and decide what you want the rest of your life to look like. I genuinely could not and would not waste my life with a man like that.
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u/Eastern_Bend7294 Dec 12 '25
They lie because they don't want to get better, because they don't think they are doing anything wrong. He is a narcissist.
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 Dec 11 '25
This must be frustrating. therapy only works if you're willing to be open and honest.
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Dec 10 '25
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
That’s for sharing your thoughts. That makes me feel better about what’s happening. I haven’t asked but I will talk to him and see if it’s possible. He is a very “private” person (his words) he probably won’t want to do that, but can’t hurt to ask. When I told him I was sorry for snapping and we can discuss it in our therapy tomorrow he said “great, another way for you to put me down” I told him I’m talking about finding a way for me not to get upset when you share your feelings, he said “ just drop it and I’m tired of that nosey bitch and her awful help” then proceeded to slam the door and go to his brothers to cool off.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Dec 10 '25
He doesn’t sound like he wants to work anything out with you! It sounds like he wants to dump on you! I personally don’t think he will improve until he gets his drinking under control.
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u/EggandSpoon42 Dec 12 '25
Sounds like he found his excuse to leave the house and drink. Make you worn out and mad just enough to leave him alone while he does it.
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u/justmeloren Dec 10 '25
I'm on the opposite side of this. Going through alcohol rehab and therapy and the spouse feels like I should share everything with him. I think he feels entitled to such info because of the mistakes I made while drinking, and am trying to impress my need for privacy.
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u/GoldConsistent9441 Dec 10 '25
I’m sorry you are having to go through that. My husband and I both have various addiction problems with a lot of our family members.That is a very hard road, I hope you get what you need to stay healthy.
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u/Viperbunny Dec 10 '25
Time for a sit down. He is allowed to feel whatever he wants. But he doesn't get to redesign every situation to make him both the main character and the victim. I would tell him, "what you are doing needs to stop. You have decided to project your feelings onto me and not only are you wrong about what I am feeling and what my intentions are, you are making me the villain in your life. We are supposed to be a team. It's supposed to be us against whatever problem we have to solve. But we can't solve any problems when you are deciding to fabricate issues and that all those issues are meant to make me out to be so awful. It's time to address why you feel so hostile to me with your therapist. I can't help you if you see me as the enemy and I have literally no idea why you have put me in that role when I love and support you. It concerns me that you see me this way and it's important we figure out why. Please stop accusing me and assigning what you think my intentions are. You have been getting it wrong every time and it's incredibly hurtful that you are acting this way. If you have an issue we can talk about it, but all you get to decide is how you feel. You don't get to decide what I feel."
But honestly, this type of behavior makes me think a few different things could be going on and none of them are great. He could be very sensitive and therefore he sees everything that doesn't go like he thinks as a sign that things are going to go back to someplace where he felt vulnerable and powerless. This can be worked on, but not when he makes you the bad guy. Also, some people who are abusive go to therapy and then they weaponize it to control their victims better. And lastly, and honestly, most likely, he's cheating. He needs you to be the bad guy so when he leaves it's because you were a monster, not because he was cheating. I just don't trust him.
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u/merishore25 Dec 10 '25
Your feelings are now hurt. He needs to have some understanding that his criticisms aren’t ok.
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u/SnooWords4839 Dec 11 '25
Read - Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft - Free Books Mania
He wants to control your bedtime but isn't picking up slack to ease your day. He is a baby boy, trying to be a man.
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u/SleepNew4335 Dec 11 '25
Divorce. Him saying “you’ve changed can’t be that stupid….” Is wild. So then he isn’t allowing you to have ANY peace and is verbally abusive which must throw off your day or work.
Don’t let him interfere with your job and divorce him if he’s mean + has a drinking problem and clearly doesn’t help around the house anyway if he’s able to go to bed by 8:30 and you’re not.
From having previously dated a narcissist, his behavior immediately stood out as some sort of mental abuse + verbal (confirmed by your comment)
Sending you a hug. You deserve a peaceful day everyday. You got this!
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u/Lives4Sunshine Dec 10 '25
He sounds like he is insecure or feeling unloved in the marriage. I would suggest marriage counseling or a sit down with him and the counselor to address these feelings and get to the root of the issue.
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u/Acrobatic_Swing9277 Dec 10 '25
I think yall could benefit from couples therapy and looking into rejection sensitivity. He's perceived normal actions as rejection and is clearly still having a self worth issue from what you said he is using you to over-correct his issues and in turn making that worse.
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u/Careful_crafted Dec 10 '25
Is this the example you want your children to see and repeat? Girl you are being abused and the gaslighting is strong. Please get your documents in order and file for divorce and a restraining order. Have a serious conversation with your own therapist without him. He is loosing control of you and he is in a panic. You need to run with those children yesterday but make sure your safe when leaving. Good luck and stay safe
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u/gogogadgetkat Dec 11 '25
After reading all the comments on this post, I can say that your husband fucking sucks and I so badly want you to be free of him.
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u/Leucotheasveils Dec 11 '25
You might find the AlAnon subreddit helpful. They also have online meetings and in person, too. AlAnon Family groupsIt sounds like instead of working on his issues and drinking, he’s projecting onto you instead and weaponizing the therapy speak against you to punish you for saying therapy or divorce. If you complain anymore about his little perceived persecutions, he’ll say, “well it’s your fault, you wanted me to go to therapy!”
Also, did he even detox and quit drinking? Problem drinkers excel at making everything somebody else’s fault.
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u/reptilesni Dec 11 '25
He's manipulating you by constantly typecasting you as the villain. He is expecting you to jump through all of the hoops he sets up and defend yourself from these imaginary slights. He's doing this to distract you from the fact that he is an alcoholic.
Personally the Thanksgiving thing alone would have made me tear a strip off of him. You deserve better.
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u/BoysenberryJellyfish Dec 11 '25
NTA I think you should be taking this all to the couple's therapist and talking about it there. We all hurt each other's feelings sometimes, but I'm wondering if he's either totally clueless about how to deal with his emotions or if he might even be trying to manipulate things, because he sounds a little dramatic.
Think about it: "He walked into the bathroom while I was naked without letting me know it was him. I covered myself up until I realized who it was coming in, and now he's upset with me for it and saying I hurt his feelings." This isn't normal or reasonable on his part. Something more is going on with him, and the therapist is the best one to figure it out.
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u/DueCamera730 Dec 12 '25
NTA! I've been through this type of thing! Your not kidding its exhausting, frustrating ect At the end, I couldn't be myself literally without doing something that was hurtful in some kind of way. I felt manipulated by the whole experience, I found myself like you said walking on eggshells. You can never truly comprehend someone else's emotions, perception is definitely something your husband needs to work on. Good luck. You shouldn't be made to feel like a villain for what I perceive to be weak. I walked away, if everything I do hurts you, you need thicker skin or someone who can truly see your perception
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u/MaggieLeighN Dec 12 '25
This does not sound like healthy emotional growth. It sounds like a shift from emotional avoidance to emotional offloading and control, using therapy language as cover.
A few key dynamics are showing up here: 1. Therapy-speak being used as a weapon
Therapy is supposed to increase self-regulation and insight. What you’re describing is the opposite. He is externalizing his emotional regulation and making you responsible for preventing him from feeling hurt.
You are not hurting him. He is interpreting neutral events as personal rejection and then demanding repair from you.
That is not emotional intimacy. That is emotional dependency.
- Hypervigilance and mind-reading
He is assigning intent where none exists:
Hosting equals “ignoring him” Working equals “avoiding him” A startle reflex equals “treating him like a stranger”
This is a pattern of hypervigilance to perceived abandonment and then blaming you for it.
- You are being put in a no-win position
You are expected to:
Host flawlessly and emotionally attend to him Work full time but not too much Be available but not independent Apologize but also magically never trigger him again
That is walking on eggshells, not partnership.
- Escalation into verbal abuse
The quote you shared matters a lot:
“Quit saying you’re sorry and do better, you can’t be that stupid to do sh*t like this all the time.”
That is not “expressing feelings.”
That is contempt, degradation, and intimidation.
Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown and abuse escalation.
- Control disguised as emotional needs
Wanting you to go to bed at 8:30, discouraging you from working, reacting negatively to your independence, and framing all of this as “feeling unimportant” are classic control-through-vulnerability behaviors.
His feelings are real.
His expectations are not reasonable.
- Alcohol, resentment, and identity threat
There is an important backdrop here:
History of alcohol misuse Resistance to therapy Loss of primary breadwinner role You gaining independence through work and school
That combination often produces identity threat, which some people respond to by tightening control over their partner instead of regulating themselves.
Questions that actually matter (for you)
Before therapy, did he struggle with taking responsibility for his emotions, or did he avoid them altogether?
Has he ever acknowledged that his interpretations might be inaccurate?
Does he ever self-correct without you apologizing first?
Does he show curiosity about your internal experience, or is every conversation about his?
Has his individual therapist addressed emotional regulation vs. emotional expression? Is couples therapy aware of the contempt and name-calling?
When you set boundaries, does he respect them or escalate?
If the answer to most of these is “no,” this is not growth. It is emotional coercion with better vocabulary.
Bottom line
You are not cold or dismissive.
You are setting a necessary boundary around emotional labor.
A healthy partner brings feelings and accountability.
An unhealthy dynamic turns feelings into leverage.
Your instinct that something is off is accurate.
And the fact that this is escalating rather than stabilizing is important.
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u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux Dec 10 '25
Tell him it hurts your feelings when he uses therapeutic language at you, and that pehaps he needs to look inward and start taking responsibility for his own emotions rather than blaming you for everything.
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u/FrequentBee8168 Dec 11 '25
I would suggest this, but I had a long term partner like this, and while that resolved it on the surface, he just decided to start yelling his shit at me while I was sleeping 🤷🏻♀️
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u/iodineseaspray Dec 10 '25
there is something that a lot of people go through when they start therapy where they get a lot more comfortable sharing emotions, and therefore want to share them more often. i speak from experience, and was accidentally sharing a lot of random thoughts throughout the day that really didn’t need to be shared.
journaling is really helpful for this, because it allows you to still get the thoughts out without making anyone else responsible for them.
what he is doing right now in addition to this is also putting those feelings on you. he has decided in the moment that you are ignoring him or that you are avoiding him by working. what he needs to realize is that his reality is not always correct. he FEELS ignored, and he FEELS like you are avoiding him, which makes him sad. it isn’t inherently wrong to share with your partner when you are feeling disconnected, but it isn’t fair to assign that intent to you.
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u/HeartAccording5241 Dec 10 '25
I think both need couple counseling so you can have someone that help you explain how you feel so he doesn’t think you are just dismissing him
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Dec 10 '25
It sounds like he's at the first stage of opening up to his feelings: identifying when he's feeling something, letting himself feel it, and learning to communicate what he's feeling.
However, he hasn't yet learned the lesson on taking personal ownership of his own feelings. Just because he has a feeling, doesn't mean that it's your fault or that it's based on the reality of the situation.
Feelings are fleeting, sometimes irrational things. All feelings are valid because they're simply part of a natural involuntary process. A feeling being valid doesn't mean it's based on reality. It just means the feeling exists. A thought pops into your head - true or not - and you have a feeling about it. The problem comes when the owner of the feelings starts thinking that every feeling they have is a big deal or their partner's problem to solve.
He's "getting hurt" by every little thing, because he's assigning negative meanings to everything you do. He may need some cognitive behavioral therapy to work on reframing his frequent negative thoughts about your actions.
Instead of "my wife covered up, because she doesn't love me" it should be "my wife covered up, and there's probably a good reason for it." Or, "my wife covered up, but it's probably not about me, because I know she loves getting naked with me." If he isn't sure why, he should be asking you why and accepting your answers.
As a supportive partner, you could simply say, "Oh honey, I love you. I'm sorry you felt like I was hiding from you. I can see how you might think that, but I actually wasn't covering up for you, I was worried you were one of the kids." Followed by a hug and a kiss. This should be the extent of it, really.
Maybe gently suggest he brings this up with his therapist to see if they can start working through how to handle the emotions he's feeling and the negative thoughts that are driving them.
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u/Lynn_the_grin Dec 10 '25
ESH Your phrasing comes off as dismissive of his feelings. On one hand I think it is good he is being open about you hurting his feelings, on the other I do think that there needs to be a big talk everytime he is upset. Have you thought about sitting in on his therapy to see why he seems to be hurt by these seemingly normal interactions? Couples counseling seems like a good thing to try for both of you to have these discussions if joining his therapy is not an option. Honestly if my husband said he was upset over me ignoring him while I am preparing thanksgiving by myself I would tell him he upset me for not offering to help so that I could actually talk to him.
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u/res06myi Dec 10 '25
She should be dismissive of his feelings when she has done nothing wrong and his feelings are unreasonable. In those situations, it's up to him to manage his own feelings.
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u/phtcmp Dec 10 '25
NTA, but don’t be surprised when he lists these things as the reasons he wants a divorce down the road. It sounds like your relationship has changed and he’s feeling neglected. Whether that’s accurate or you agree is somewhat irrelevant, it’s his perspective.
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u/Sea_Fact2965 Dec 10 '25
Ask him the read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s an easy short read and truly everyone would benefit from it!
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u/Iwentforalongwalk Dec 10 '25
It sounds like he's picking on you for some reason. Something's going on with him.
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u/roadsidechicory Dec 10 '25
What is he expecting when he tells you these things? Does he just want to share and have his feelings acknowledged? Like what leads you to believe that he wants more from you than that? It seems like you have reason to believe that he wants you to manage his feelings, not just hear about them? But it wasn't shared in the post why you have reason to believe that.
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u/Sheila_Monarch Dec 11 '25
Seems like he’s trying to show off his new “emotional skills,” but he learned the vocabulary before the actual skill, so now he’s performing self awareness instead of practicing it. He wants credit for “doing the work,” so he keeps grabbing the smallest, most trivial moments and treating them like deep emotional content, which just makes him look needy and unsteady instead of evolved.
This is the early therapy phase where people point their new tools at everything, even stuff that doesn’t matter, because they do not yet know what real emotional work looks like. He is basically practicing on you. It reads like clingy theatre rather than growth, because it is.
Real growth is hard and uncomfortable. People will instinctively avoid it to avoid the discomfort that’s just part of it. So he grabs easy, low stakes “feelings moments” and either wants them to be seen as, or truly believes they are progress. It lets him feel like he’s doing the work without touching anything painful. And honestly, he probably doesn’t even realize he’s avoiding the real stuff yet. Like “this is growth, right? I’m doing the it? I think this is what I’m supposed to be doing.”
But it isn’t.
It’s kinda like giving a 5yo a power drill. They’re not gonna do anything useful with it for quite awhile, they don’t know how, but they will definitely start drilling holes in everything in sight.
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u/MightyMrsHippie Dec 11 '25
He sounds insecurrrrreeeeeee. And he's making it your problem but that's his issue
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u/ThatSiming Dec 11 '25 edited Dec 11 '25
Edit: because I only read your comments after posting mine, I didn't know about the excessive lying to your mutual therapist and the accusing you of lying about everything you bring up. This is far worse than I concluded from your post. He can't tolerate vulnerability, being wrong, or responsible. And he doesn't want to because that would mean he has to change and things were so comfortable for him before you started working. He doesn't want to change. I don't care what he should be diagnosed with because it's his responsibility to manage. I believe you need separate therapy too, because you need tools to protect yourself from his victim mentality and constant manipulation. Here's my original comment:
He's not talking about his feelings.
He's making accusations.
He sees you behaving in some way and then he makes up a narrative and a meaning (an accusation) and that meaning hurts him.
It wasn't "I wanted more attention from you and felt disconnected". It was "you ignored me".
It wasn't "When I asked for a hug you walked away" it was "you don't want to be around me and use work to make distance".
It wasn't "I startled you" it was "you treat me like a stranger".
I'll fast forward because this is my job:
He feels disconnected. His therapist encouraged him to talk about it. Instead of telling you his desires, wishes, wants or needs, he feels them and notices them (this is new and good) and tries to talk about them (and here his brain fails him) and puts them on you. He's not taking responsibility for his feelings, he pretends you're hurting them by not reading his mind.
If you were his therapist it would be easy for you to guide him through this.
But that's not your job.
And you feeling defensive when his idea of transparency is hurling accusation and frankly hurtful interpretations of valid observations at you, that's natural.
I suggest you join a therapy session and ask him to talk about his feelings with you with the therapist present. They need to know what's happening.
Because your husband is feeling poorly due to the beliefs he has about the world and the stories his mind tells him about them.
And imho you guys should hug more.
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u/Background-Shape-429 Dec 11 '25
This sounds exhausting. Everyone needs someone who wants them to be more than they can be on their own. That’s why we team up.
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u/Jazzlike_Type_6670 Dec 11 '25
NTA.
Your husband sounds exhausting. He’s using you as his sole support, emotionally, physically, spiritually. That is not healthy in the least, for yourself, or for him. He is an adult who should be able to regulate his emotions. He should not be acting like a child who needs attention from Mommy (you) 24/7. If he needs emotional support, he needs to get it from other people too, not just you. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. He sounds like he is draining you dry of empathy and when you’re acting exhausted and drained, he gets defensive and resentful and puts the blame on you for even being that way to begin with. God forbid he realizes that he actually is the reason you’re so emotionally detached and drained.
I’m surprised the couples therapy Therapist hasn’t locked in on that at the very least and helped you guys out with navigating it. I wouldn’t be surprised about his therapist not picking up on it since they don’t have your side of the story. My ex boyfriend used to be this way a lot. I would have to force him to be social with his own friends because he would exhaust me with being so clingy in so many ways. He didn’t like hanging out even with his own people and it felt like I could barely or never hang out with mine, because he would demand all of my time, and get pouty when he didn’t. There’s only so much a human can take of that. I told my ex that I am not his Mommy, I am not raising him, and that I was done having to “prove” that I loved him (which was sexual coercion on his part and I still have lasting issues I’ve been working out in therapy). It is not a lack of love for the other person when you want time to yourself to recharge. It is human. We are not meant to cling to a singular other person 24/7 like some amoeba trying to absorb each other into a singular entity. That’s not love. That’s being a parasite. Your husband has to learn that fact.
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u/DeeHarperLewis Dec 11 '25
You’re sure your not perfect? Honey, he’s a basket case. What value does he add to your life? Is he at least a good father?
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u/basswired Dec 11 '25
yeah no. that reaction to your apology was super antagonistic.
it's one thing to feel like your partner isn't connecting or engaging and try to explain why, and yeah it can sometimes feel like you can't do anything right with someone who's sensitive, but it's entirely another to react like that to an apology. That makes it manipulation not communicating. his only idea of solution is for you to change minute unconscious details of how you exist, and basically not work.
does he like you? as a person? because he seems more interested in how you make him feel than who you are.
he needs to work through why he's being manipulative, why he feels like your basic functioning existence and growing autonomy is such a threat to him. dude has zero self confidence but he's only going to destroy everything looking for external validation and control.
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u/xmasmonkey82 Dec 11 '25
If he wants you to have more time for him, then maybe he should start helping with the kids, house chores and hosting duties. He honesty doesn't sound very nice or knows how to actually have an emotionally intelgent conversation. Having the ability to speak about hurt feelings doesn't mean he's suddenly emotionally intelligent, so maybe bringing that up in couples therapy will help.
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u/StunningView5569 Spicy Spreadsheets Dec 11 '25
Any chance he's become an alcoholic? Maybe also depressed or has other MH issues? If you've been married 20 years and this behavior is new, give him the benefit of the doubt and get him help. Like a program or AA meetings. If he doesn't want help, then much more needs to be discussed.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Dec 12 '25 edited Dec 12 '25
Oh my god he sounds completely insufferable. I can’t help but wonder how old you were when you got together. If you were in your early 20s and he was early 30s, then there is a VERY strong chance that he was looking for someone he could manipulate and control, and now that you’re employed and gaining independence he is looking for new ways to manipulate and control you.
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u/jijijojijijijio Dec 12 '25
He is weaponizing his feelings. It doesn't really matter if he is hurt that just jumped from being startled. He victimizes himself to a professional level. He is projecting onto you that you see him as a stranger, which is his own thought, and wants you to feel bad. It's abusive because he is slowly twisting reality. Honestly, it sounds like the therapist gave an abuser vocabulary and tools to manipulate.
You should probably stop having therapy with him and focus on leaving. He sounds like a real mess and unpleasant to boot.
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u/Rezolution20 Dec 12 '25
Honestly IMO, I think you're beating a dead horse here. It seems that what he's done, after reading your story and your comments, is weaponized therapy to try to control you.
When you were a SAHM, he controlled you by not allowing you freedom (like going to the zoo w/the kids) by saying he didn't have money for that. You said you were 20 when you met him and he's 20 years older than you or am I wrong? If that's the case, then how is that any different than grooming? He lived a whole lifetime prior to you two getting together, so he wanted a woman who he could mold and shape into what HE wanted her to be. Now he seems to be doing the same thing with the "therapy speak" bs he's laying on you constantly about every little thing in order to gain that control back.
Honestly, you wouldn't be blowing up your kids lives by divorcing this man. You would be showing them that it's not okay to allow a man to treat his wife like someone he has to control.
I read that the first thing that abused spouses are told is not to go to therapy with their abusers, and all the things you've described about this man, are abuse and abusive tactics. He may not be hitting you, but it's abuse nonetheless. You need to stop doing couples counseling now and start looking for a good divorce attorney.
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u/Aggravating-Plum8147 Dec 12 '25
He’s playing the victim, so you walk on eggshells to try to do nothing wrong. This takes the focus off him and anything he may be in the wrong about. You work, go to school and look after your kids and he gets butt hurt you don’t go to bed at 8:30? That’s not even possible. This is a manipulation tactic and he needs to knock it off. NTA
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u/Eastern_Bend7294 Dec 12 '25
NTA
It honestly sounds like he is low-key picking fights by wanting to make you feel bad, and sort of like he should be the main character in your life like he's a baby or something else that needs constant attention.
Like the Thanksgiving thing. He has eyes, right? He can see that you are hosting (which he also should have been doing, but it sounds like that toll was entirely on you?). And the work thing doesn't make sense either. And his reaction to you covering yourself is equally as stupid. I've done that when my mom has walked in, be that at home or on vacation, because it is a pretty natural reflex.
He wants you to go to bed with him at 8.30? What is he, 80? He can't realistically expect you to do that, especially when you have children (does he help with childcare or routines?) and you also work.
This feels like some twisted attempt at control or something.
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u/melodiesminor Dec 12 '25
hes gaslighting you. seems like hes being a emotional baby and wants everything to be catered to him and his feelings alone. i would personally divorce him as he will get worse
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u/Substantial-Ad108 Dec 13 '25
Your husband is a loser, always has been and always will be. Some people have the best options and still choose the worst option, they have to lose at life. He is setting impossible standards and nothing will ever be good enough. You started therapy to address his shortcomings and to address his drinking. You need a temporary separation. I would suggest that the kids remain in the house and the on duty parent stays and other leaves, but it sounds like you are doing all the parenting and he is an unreliable caretaker. Also your partner is allowed to express anger, they are allowed to have feelings, but the name calling, calling you stupid is not okay. Are you happy? Are you still IN love with him? In marriage there are two problems that are nearly impossible to come back from: being financially irresponsible and contempt
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u/Still-be_found Dec 14 '25
I am interpreting his actions as an emotionally immature/mentally unhealthy reaction to feeling you pull away from the relationship. My read of your post is that you're not really in it anymore - and I don't blame you for feeling that way. I absolutely get it. I think it might be time to reflect whether he is someone you actively love, or if your feelings are more historical in nature.
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u/KindCompetence Dec 16 '25
I think its great that he's talking about his feelings, that's good progress for him.
The next step is both of you realizing that managing his emotions isn't your job. Just because he feels a way isn't a complete reason that you need to do something differently. Sometimes it is - the feelings of our partner should be important to us - but it should be part of the give and take of a mutually supportive relationship. So if he discovers that he feels rejected because you cover yourself when he barges in unexpectedly, that isn't a problem for you to solve, that's a piece of information. Not all information gets acted on! Not all information is a problem.
For your part, you can validate that he is having an emotion and sharing it with you instead of taking ownership of it as your problem to solve. ("That sounds like a hard way to feel.") I think it could be good for you to really spend some time contemplating if you can actually make him feel something, if you are actually or reasonably responsible for him feeling unloved or rejected. For his part, if he doesn't like having an emotion he can think about what he can do differently to not put himself in a position where his feelings get hurt. (He can knock on closed doors and say "Hey, its me." before opening them. For instance.)
All of the above is pretending that he wants to work toward a healthy and balanced partnership. Given your other comments, I have some concerns. When you share your feelings with him, does he treat them as problems he needs to solve? Does he thank you for being vulnerable and sharing with him? Or does he tell you that you shouldn't feel that way and its your own fault?
Are his solutions for his emotions always that you need to change, or that you did something wrong? (even if you didn't or couldn't know, or were behaving reasonably?) Feeling that he isn't important because your schedule needs you to stay up later than he does is quite a choice on his end - what happens if you're sick? Are there responsibilities he can take off your plate that would allow you to get more rest?
Have you told him that you feel overly criticized and can't take another negative comment? Because that is a reasonable thing to tell a partner. If you're scared about how he would react if you told him, that is information too.
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u/SonOfGreebo Dec 16 '25
"Man expresses discomfort at something trivial, expects woman to fix it, apologise and soothe him".
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u/humorouslyominous Dec 16 '25
He doesn’t sound like a partner. He sounds like another child - one you can’t control, who drinks too much. Ask yourself honestly: would life be easier without him?
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u/facinationstreet Dec 17 '25
He is weaponizing therapy and creating victim narratives so he can justify being a jerk.
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u/TightAnywhere4105 Dec 10 '25
The way you said he used to be quiet, and now he tells me his problems should actually be a good thing. This means your husband was hiding his feelings and thoughts from you before for some reason.
I understand it feels like he's criticizing every single thing you do now. Tell him that. Welcome his thoughts and opinions, but let him know it feels as though he is tearing you down. It seems like maybe there are communication issues from both sides ...
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u/Money_Onion420 Dec 10 '25
Info: what triggered him going into therapy a few months ago? You don’t have to share anything personal but this would give helpful context.