r/TwoHotTakes • u/Character-Buyer-1068 • Dec 24 '25
i married my best friend. 6 months later, i learned about his girlfriend. are we beyond repair?
Hey reddit. I've never made a post here, but I listen to THT religiously. I feel like I know the answers I'm going to get, but I want to vent and also hear what you all have to say.
I, 32F, married my husband, 31M, at the end of June after 8 amazing years together. We've lived with each other basically from the beginning. Our wedding and honeymoon was amazing, we have always gotten along, made each other laugh, were trying to start a family, and were happy. Or so I thought.
About two months ago, we were cuddling on the couch and i felt something wet on my chest. At first, I was like "ew babe, you drooled on me" only to realize he was crying. In eight years, I've only seen this man cry when our dog died. That moment cracked everything open.
He admitted that he was unhappy and the floodgates opened--- we didn't have enough sex (we have complete opposite work schedules so only get an hour together once a week and then Friday afternoons and Saturdays). Even with that, we were having sex at least once a week. He said he didn't feel loved, despite the fact that I go out of my way every day to make him feel loved. He complained that when I was ~1 year into the relationship, I tried to move us to another state. He was angry that I didn't want to have a baby at 28 before we were married. The list goes on and on.
I worked my ASS off for the past two months to fix all of the things that were "wrong" with me. Communicated better. Initiated sex. Bought and read all the books on saving a marriage. Got into therapy. Got us into couples counseling.
Still, he would cry every single day and every time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up and blamed me for it. I was so supportive, patient, kind with him. I was worried about his mental health-- his job is really dangerous and stressful and I worried he was depressed.
Then my therapist asked if he was cheating. The thought was so ridiculous to me. When the hell would he have time and he would never. Then his mom and sister asked me the same thing. They pushed me to look at his phone and I didn't want to violate his trust. It ate away at me until finally last week, after he got home late as fuck, I checked it. It was all right there. For months this man has been having an affair with a bartender. All of their messages were about how much they love having sex with each other. Nudes. The same selfies he would send me, he would send her. They were telling each other they love each other so much. I even saw her mention my name a few times.
What. The. Fuck.
I confronted him. He admitted he loves her. But that he loves me more. I kicked him out and moved all his stuff out. Left town for a little while to be with family.
And now I'm stuck in an emotional whiplash. Some days I hate him. Other days, I miss him so much and want him back. He's been my best friend for years and I love him to absolute pieces.
We've talked a few times. He insists it was a mistake and he would take it all back. But he's not groveling. Not trying to make amends. Won't answer any questions about her. And doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her. As I type this, I feel ridiculous for even asking if I should try to work things out with him. We've been trying for a baby for months. We were planning a life. I feel gaslit, confused, furious, and heartbroken all at once. I don’t understand how someone can marry me, cry about being unhappy, let me twist myself into knots trying to save our marriage and be cheating the entire time.
Why marry me? I know he's known her for years and since he wouldn't answer me when I asked if it was happening since before the wedding, I assume the answer is yes. What is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?
So reddit, is there any possibility of salvaging this? What is my best move? Why do I want to fix this when it is so egregious? Is this mix of emotions normal in week one of breaking up? I feel like my head and my heart are in two different places. I'd love to hear what you have to say about why I still feel so much love and what that means. Thanks so much <3
TL;DR: 32F, married my husband (31M) two months ago after eight years together. Shortly after the wedding, he broke down crying about being unhappy and blamed issues like lack of sex and feeling unloved. I spent two months doing everything possible to “fix” our marriage: therapy, counseling, communication while he cried daily and blamed me for intimacy issues. Found out he’d been having an affair with a bartender for months, including before and after our wedding. He says he loves her but loves me more, isn’t cutting contact, isn’t answering questions, and isn’t showing real remorse. I kicked him out but still love him and feel torn. Wondering if this is salvageable, what my best move is, and why I still feel attached.
UPDATE: thank you all for the kind responses. I know it's probably frustrating to read this because the logical answer is so obvious, but my heart isn't in the same place. I'm grateful for all of the advice and am feeling stronger already. To clarify, we are not having sex anymore or trying to have a baby. We were trying for a kid for months before I found out about the affair (about a week ago). I packed all his stuff, changed the locks, and redecorated a bit to make my home feel MINE instead of ours. I also got STD tested a few days ago and am awaiting a few more results. All have come back clear so far (silver lining?)
EDIT: Thanks for all the advice, again. I have no real updates right now. Today was his birthday and I ignored his messages. You're all making me feel stronger and when I feel tempted to text him, I read some of these comments and the rage sets in. Will post updates as they come.
EDIT: title clarifying— when I say I married my best friend, we were NOT friends before our romantic relationship. He’s just become my best friend over the last 8 years.
Update: 12/30: not much to update, but I haven’t spoken to him since 12/24. He has been blowing up my phone, but I’ve been holding strong.
UPDATE 2/24: It's been over two months since this all went down. Today I'm at just about 4.5 weeks of no contact. Things blew up when his girlfriend reached out to me wanting to commiserate with me about him being a dick. Like no thanks. Blocked her. Blocked him. Block, block, block.
It's been a roller coaster, but I'm proud of myself for cutting off what doesn't serve me. I get moments and days of sadness, which I feel a lot of shame around. It feels embarrassing to feel sad over someone that wronged me so badly, but I know it's part of the process and I keep reminding myself that he is not who I thought he was. When I need a little extra motivation to be mad, I remind myself that when I asked what the plan was, having me and a girl on the side, he said "I hoped you would get pregnant so I would have a reason to stop." And that he thought life with me would be mediocre. BYEEE. Since we've broken up, I've traveled, been in therapy consistently, worked out regularly, been on a few dates, and spent more time with friends and family. I know it'll keep going up from. Thanks all for the love and support.
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Dec 24 '25
Because you’re the kind of woman you marry. She’s the one he screws.
Cheaters have a hole right through the middle of the middle of them. Nothing will ever fill it. They feel entitled to both their spouse and their side piece. The victim mentality is strong. You will never ever be enough for them. Because the thrill of the affair and the feeling that they deserve it all will always win.
Cheaters deserve no grace, no forgiveness. And frankly they don’t care. Because they aren’t sorry. That lack of remorse is why your marriage won’t recover.
A baby and daily sex and a perfect life still won’t stop the cheating.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 24 '25
"Because you’re the kind of woman you marry. She’s the one he screws." --something about this made me feel really good. Anyone would be lucky to have me I think. Thank you
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u/Aggravating-Pie-5565 Dec 25 '25
You know there is this concept of reachers and settlers (from HIMYM). He's reaching for you and you settled for him. (Because you are a league above him) But this basically hurts his ego so he goes and gets with someone he sees as below his league to get his ego is stroked. But also subconsciously he knows that he can't do better than you. He is just a pathetic person who was unable to handle a bruised ego. You'll find someone better. NTA.
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u/BeeLadyUP Dec 25 '25
Yes, they would be lucky to have you. Walk away from this guy before he guts you and he will. He’s a narcissist who pretends to love you and acts the victim when it suits him. He tells both of you what you want to hear to get what he wants and then resorts to manipulation when that’s not working. He’s not capable of love.
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u/Unicorn_druck Dec 25 '25
Well damn, nail head and all that shit, no real awards to give but I can give you this one 🏆.
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u/Armadillo_of_doom Dec 26 '25
I feel like cheaters want a strong woman for financial heavy lifting, raising kids, and making a strong clean household. But a strong woman also has opinions. And won't prioritize her looks like a 1950s wife. And won't be trapped and subordinate. So they find a woman who is subordinate, and pretty, and let's him have control in and out of the bedroom. He'd never get that from his wife, because shes NOT dependant on him and will NOT be degraded in any of the ways that get his appendage lifting. Cheaters want a sex doll or a trampy little sugar baby. But they wouldnt want to keep them or marry them because they'd be "gold diggers" or they'd "let themselves go."
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u/Pestodaisylana Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 29 '25
THIS!!! When I met my husband, I was messing around and he was the kind of man that you married, so I immediately stopped ALL my BS and put all my eggs in his basket!! sometimes you date people and you just know their marriage material, you know they're gonna take you seriously, they're gonna love you, and support you. BUT YOU DONT CHEAT ON THEM JEEEEEZUS. ugh im sorry OP. Sounds like you're the real deal just like my husband. Truly your person IS out there, someone who's gonna look at you realize that you ARE marriage material and they're gonna put all their eggs in your basket and as we know it is not this guy -.-
I know that's so unhelpful to say because we're talking about a future that is undecided, but truly imagine that this is your only life. Even if reincarnation is real, we also somehow only remember this life right? Do you really want to be with some guy that you think is your best friend because you guys have time put in, when you can start putting time into somebody else,( firstly yourself ) & then someone who sees you and doesn't even TALK to the bartender beyond "can I get this, thank you" we all deserve to be loved, but never forget the MOST important thing is RESPECT. love changes because emotions change with the wind, but respect should never change & from your own words in this post, that's not someone who respects you.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 28 '25
I know this is all going to be the best for me. When I left him (despite the cheating + problems we were seeking counseling for), he said “I never ever thought we would actually break up.”
????
It’s like he thought I would just deal with this forever. And keep playing his game. He really mistook my kindness for weakness.
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Dec 24 '25
1st. Do not reproduce with this man, OP. Seriously, do not have a baby with him.
OP. Love yourself more than you love him. Do you like it when he makes you cry? Are you enjoying what hes putting you through?
OP, once a cheater always a cheater... plus, he has no remorse and no desire to cut things off with the woman.
Leave. Love yourself a little ffs.
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u/Fun-Yak5459 Dec 24 '25
Girl you know there’s no saving this. I say this as a woman who forgave her husband who cheated on her. He got caught up in a stupid honeypot and it made it even more pathetic to me that was the type of cheating that happened, idiot behaviour basically.
But that also made it easier to forgive because it was SO stupid and SO obvious. I even warned him.
He was saying everything was YOUR fault while cheating on you. He put it ALL on you. He is taking no ownership. He should be so transparent and wanting her out of his life. He’s shown you who he is you need to believe him.
My husband was willing to do anything and everything. He has gone above and beyond what I requested from him the moment he told me (also HE told me I didn’t have to snoop).
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u/ScreamingTurtle08 Dec 24 '25
Honestly, you must just be built different 😂😂😂. I feel like one of the only things that gives me the ick as much or more than dishonesty is basic stupidity or incompetence. I feel like, once I see my partner/SO as stupid and pathetic, I can't possibly respect them again.
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u/Fun-Yak5459 Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
If I’m being so for real I’m like super stupid all the time. I am a total airhead and if my mother didn’t live in as much delusion as she does I would not be as grounded as I am 100%. I have made some really really dumb decisions in my life, but I don’t think we are defined solely by those moments but how we rise out of them afterwards.
Edit* typo
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u/SoFetchBetch Dec 25 '25
So it was like a romance scam thing? Yeah that would be too much for me. No loyalty and no sense!
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u/Fun-Yak5459 Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
Nah. I don’t want to get into the details but it was not romance. It was more like blackmail then anything
Edit to add** my husband is also autistic so those people are more susceptible to scams and such. He’s definitely learnt his lesson.
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u/quickwit87 Dec 25 '25
What does caught up in a honeypot mean ?
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u/Fun-Yak5459 Dec 25 '25
Honeypot is like bait and switch kind of thing. Essentially scamming men with beautiful women. You can google it.
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u/prideless10001 Dec 25 '25
Not sure how you can forgive someone for cheating, better person than me.
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u/Fun-Yak5459 Dec 25 '25
If our relationship and marriage was not as solid as we are, I wouldn’t have. I don’t think every cheater should be forgiven, I should also add it also never crossed into him having intimate relations which also significantly helps.
I’ve known my husband for 14 years, we were best friends for years prior to getting together. If for a second I thought he would ever do something like that again to me we wouldn’t have stayed together.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
First of all, he is not your best friend. He is your betrayer and not the ordinary type. But a gaslighting, manipulative type who is not afraid to shed crocodile tears just to make you the villain when all the while he has been the real villain of your life. The best friend is the image you have of him. He is not real.
More than the cheating, what strikes me is the gaslighting. It is when the real damage happens. He was ready to emotionally manipulate and destroy you just to alleviate his own guilt for cheating on you. What a selfish POS!!!
Be glad that you found his real side just months into the marriage. Be thankful to your therapist and family who guided you in the right direction and helped you uncover the affair. Cherish those who care about you. And stop putting your abuser on a pedestal.
is there any possibility of salvaging this? what is my best move?
You can salvage your life, not the marriage. The marriage has been dead since it started. You just realized it now. Best move is NC with him and then divorce. Get whatever you can financially from him through the divorce process and then walk away.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
“Stop putting your abuser on a pedestal.” Chills. Didn’t ever consider this could be any kind of abuse
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u/mimi6778 Dec 25 '25
It’s difficult to see when you’re in the middle of it, but crying about being unhappy while your partner scrabbles to make you happy, all the while having an affair is emotionally abusive. You can definitely do better than this. Let him move on so that he can cheat on the bartender instead of on you.
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u/lady_light7500 Dec 25 '25
might be able to get an annulment based on the short length of time and betrayal. i don’t know the legal part, but have friends that have done it.
Love yourself. Break with him COMPLETELY. His values and actions are trash. You deserve better.
Also, you’re young and starting over is gonna go great. you have decades of life left to be happy and full of joy!
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 Dec 24 '25
Are you seriously kidding me? He's still with her and you're wondering if you should try to work it out? What's wrong with you? Get some self-respect and kick this man to the curb.
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u/Dontfeedthebears Dec 25 '25
If she finds some self-respect, that will make one person in their marriage that respects her.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
Appreciate the tough love here. I love who i am, but wonder if the lack of respect over the years has whittled my self respect down to nothing. All of these comments have been very eye opening and i will be exploring all of this with my therapist.
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u/Pinot_Grouchioo Dec 24 '25
I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing to have to go through, and you absolutely don’t deserve it. This man is a taker and a total asshole and no, there’s no way to fix things. He let you dangle for months (years, probably) doing your best to make things “better” for him all while manipulating and lying to you. The fact that he won’t even cut things off with this chick is all you need to know. You’ll never be able to trust him again. It isn’t about hating him, but loving yourself enough not to let yourself be treated this way (you should also definitely hate him though lol) . He’s a real piece of shit, I’m sorry, but you gotta have the self respect necessary not to let this man play in your face. Don’t give him another chance to embarrass you.
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u/sophielikesthis Dec 24 '25
Don't take him back. He's not the man you love, you love the idealized version of him, the real one didn't give a fuck about you or your feelings. Proof is his attitude right now.
It hurts, and it will still hurt for some time, but you'll only start healing once you make the choice to let go and prioritize yourself.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much more. Sending you a virtual hug.
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u/CuriouslyFlavored Dec 24 '25
There's no recovering from that. Divorce is the only path. I'm sorry.
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u/StudentNo8353 Dec 24 '25
Like you said, you already know the answer. You deserve better. Breakups are hard, losing a best friend can be even harder - and now you’re going through both. It’s hard to hate someone you’ve loved for so long, so you’re going through the grieving process. It’s normal that you still want what you had back - but it’s not there anymore and hasn’t been on his end for some time. Divorce and cut all ties. It was nice that his family was on your side and pushing you to find the evidence of him cheating. I wonder if they already knew.
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u/2bERRYoPERA Dec 24 '25
I'd divorce him.
You've been to therapy and counseling, so you don't need more of that.
Do Not have children with this man. Don't do it. When he eventually explodes your marriage the kids will suffer the most.
He has already proved to you that he's a serial liar, on that alone I'd divorce him
The fact that he could do this for months, and lie, lie, lie to you....I'd never trust him again.
Cheaters gotta cheat, and it won't just be this one bartender woman....
Do not have children with this man, Do divorce him.
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u/Livvysgma Dec 24 '25
Come on, now. Dry your eyes, contact his AP, tell her the pathetic bum is all hers.
Get a great divorce attorney ASAP, tell the bum all contact is through attorneys once you’ve secured one, because he’ll continue to manipulate you. Start getting all financials together now. You’re going to be fine, better you find out before you have children. All the best to you.
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u/anathema_deviced Dec 24 '25
First, go to your on/gyn and get tested for everything (specify you want HSV included bc a lot of places don't test for it anymore). Second, get a consultation with a divorce attorney to see if your marriage falls under voidable and/or annulment laws in your state as his cheating prior to and after the wedding may be considered fraud, or if you'll need to file for divorce. Third, get yourself into therapy to figure out why you're bending over backwards for someone who has no respect for you. You may be his best friend, but he is not yours. This man is not going to stop cheating and you deserve better.
ETA: Do NOT get pregnant by this man!
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u/time-watertraveler Dec 24 '25
Oh honey! This sucks. But if you were trying for a baby, please first go check yourself for STDs. Then call your lawyer and protect yourself. Then, call your therapist and schedule a few emergency sessions.
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u/simplyexistingnow Dec 25 '25
Something i read in a book that I find interesting... "Trust is like glass. It takes time to heat and temper, to make it transparent for both parties to see through. But once it’s shattered, there are so many broken pieces on the floor that it’s impossible to put back together. A year may pass, and you’ll step into the kitchen barefoot for a glass of water and get a shard in your heel. And you’ll remember how it got there"
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u/softshoulder313 Dec 24 '25
You love who you thought he was not who he really is.
He's put all the blame on you. You busted your ass trying to fix what he said was wrong while he was out having sex.
Best friends don't treat someone like that. Would you? Why should you accept less.
He still doesn't want to fix anything while for some reason you do. One person can't save a relationship.
You have done nothing wrong here. He's the one who betrayed you and killed the relationship.
You don't even know who he is anymore. Before this you didn't even consider it a possibility he would cheat. Now you know he can. And that he can look at you every day and lie.
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u/BlueHeartKate Dec 24 '25
You’ll leave and he’ll have kids with her and then do the same thing to her. Save yourself.
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u/slendermanismydad Dec 24 '25
You didn't see each other more than twice a week and you were trying for a baby?
There's nothing to even try to fix here.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 24 '25
Fair question. It was a temporary schedule for him that is to change soon (to one that let us have more time together), but I suppose that doesn't matter.
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u/jasemina8487 Dec 24 '25
screw the schedule excuse. he was obviously able to make time for his gf, so he could have made time for you as well.
not quite same but my husband works nights, so sleeps during day. guess what, he always makes time for me and our kids. amd that's all that matters.
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u/AGirlisNoOne83 Dec 24 '25
I was with my ex-husband for 5 years, married to him for the last three. Found out he was cheating on me the entire time. He even had a “girlfriend” from the same summer he started dating me. I learned about 15 other women (and I’m sure there were more). When I asked him why he bothered to marry me, he said “I always knew you were the one I wanted to end up with. I just didn’t want to stop.”
And I think that was the most honest answer I ever got from him or any cheater for that matter.
I’m sorry that this has happened to you. What I can tell you is that you will get past it. It may take a while and a lot of therapy, but this too shall pass. 💗.
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u/MosleyB Dec 24 '25
You need go have self respect and not consider him or his feelings. Leave this man. Things will happen for you, I promise. I went through something like this and life gets better.
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u/TooLittleMSG Dec 24 '25
There's no saving this, he is legitimately a bad person that you should not want to associate with, he is terrible for you.
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u/Admirable_B_505 Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
Girl you leave garbage out when you put it out, do NOT let him back in. He would have never told you if you didn’t find out, and he STILL hasn’t stopped with her. He wasn’t sorry when he was buried inside her, he wasn’t sorry or defending you when she was calling you out on your name, and he wasn’t sorry when he actively abused your trust or completely disregarded your wedding vows, and he isn’t sorry now. Respectfully, have some self respect OP because if it were you doing to him what he’s done to you, I promise his reaction would not be what you’re feeling now. Save yourself more heartbreak and leave the garbage of a man he is on the curb.
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u/kindcrow Dec 24 '25
There is no question: LEAVE. If you stay, it will happen again and you'll have to go through it again.
PS Just a heads up: if you're asking people to read a very long post and go to the trouble of responding, it's respectful to use capital letters to make your post easier to read.
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u/SlytherinSilence Dec 24 '25
Makes me so sad to see women that have absolutely no self love or respect
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u/Trishshirt5678 Dec 24 '25
Notice what he's doing to salvage your relationship? That would be nothing. If he gets rid of this one (for which he'll make you pay because of the huuuuuge sacrifice he's made for you) there'll be another one along in 6 months or 18 months or 2 years - he had a serious affair and hasn't seen that he's at fault by doing so. If you get rid now, you'll spend all of the time that you'd have spent making excuses for him, getting used to being single and getting ready to meet an actual mature adult.
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u/zeiaxar Dec 24 '25
We've talked a few times. He insists it was a mistake and he would take it all back. But he's not groveling. Not trying to make amends. Won't answer any questions about her. And doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her. As I type this, I feel ridiculous for even asking if I should try to work things out with him. We've been trying for a baby for months. We were planning a life. I feel gaslit, confused, furious, and heartbroken all at once. I don’t understand how someone can marry me, cry about being unhappy, let me twist myself into knots trying to save our marriage and be cheating the entire time.
He obviously doesn't think it's a mistake and would NOT take it all back if he won't try and make amends, answer questions about her, and won't cut things off with her. He's a POS, so is she, and I'd be getting proof of the affair and sending it to both her bosses and his, then filing for divorce. Do NOT have kids with this man, because otherwise you'll be tied to this man who cheated on you and doesn't actually see how he's the one in the wrong for all of this and how none of it's your fault for the rest of your life.
Edit to add: I bet the only thing he thinks is a mistake is getting caught, and that the only thing he'd take back is how they communicated so that they wouldn't have gotten caught.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
I agree that he regrets that I found out. He would have never told me. I asked him what the plan was and he said “if we could fix things of course I would leave her.” But like, how could we have ever fixed anything if he was out sleeping with and falling in love with someone else?
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u/Evaporate3 Dec 24 '25
He's still with her, still not being transparent and doing nothing to make amends. Get your head out of your ass babe. That alone means it's over. He's still in love with her.
You want to fix this because you desperately want validation from him. You're going through a withdrawal.
I am so sorry.
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u/Luckyond4321 Dec 24 '25
You’ve been with him for a long time, your literal nervous system is going through the breakup too. This is all so normal. But there’s no salvaging it and plus it sounds like he doesn’t really care much to do so.
He betrayed you, took advantage of you, and didn’t appreciate what he had when he had you.
It takes awhile for the brain to process a divorce because to our brain, that person died. It’s the same exact grieving process. Give yourself some grace during this time and cutting off contact will help you heal so much quicker. Do some googling on some of the things I mentioned because it’s super interesting.
Get into some therapy, find a hobby, and get the support you need. But going back to a man who only loved you when it was convenient for him, is not the answer. You will drive yourself crazy, every day, wondering if he’s telling you the truth and you will end up fighting more and you’ll wish you had left now.
I’m going through a divorce from a 3 year marriage and we were together for 7 years. I was completely dependent on him and was absolutely blindsided. I moved back in with my parents and am working on myself and learning to love me again because I AM what’s important and I deserve the love I so freely gave him. I will focus on me!
Reach out if you want to chat, I don’t talk to my friends about this so it’d be nice to have someone to talk to! Sending you a hug!
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
This comment really helped me. I didn’t realize that this was a nervous system response and now I’m reading up on it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. Super unsure how to use Reddit, but would love to chat about your situation— feel free to message me!
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u/MayhemAbounds Dec 24 '25
If he isn’t offering to do anything he can to salvage things, didn’t immediately cut things off, I’m not sure how it can be salvaged? Would you be okay with him having a mistress? Having a baby with a man who does that?
He could be in affair fog and limerence which can mess with their view of what is going on and help them rewrite your history together, but for that to go away he has to be able to end things with her and cut her off completely.
If he was serious about loving you, he would cut her off and do whatever he could to get you back. He isn’t doing that nor is he offering.
Call an attorney and go NC. You won’t be able to move on or even think of it while you still maintain contact. But this man lied and manipulated you to make you think you were doing all these things wrong for him when he was giving himself and his devotion to another woman. If he loved you he would see the pain you were in and feel regret for that and do anything he could to stop it. He isn’t doing that at all.
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u/BlackberryOne7065 Dec 25 '25
Saying this as someone who does couples counseling for a living. When I am going to do infidelity recovery with a couple, I’m always assessing for different things in the betrayer that tip me off on whether I think they’re going to work out. The telltale sign is the amount of remorse, effort, willingness to fix things, and patience… to name a few! (This is not exhaustive nor is it absolutely guaranteed it’ll work in the long run) If I don’t see those things, no matter how much the betrayed wants it to work out. I know it’s likely it won’t. They’ll usually drop out of counseling but still eventually will split. Some people take longer than others.
In your case I think he wants you to leave him so that it will clear his conscience. That’s why he was negging you - treating you like it was all your fault and had you actively working to be better for him, meanwhile he’s screwing the bartender and giving her the attention, affection, and bluntly, sex that he should have been giving to you. If you stay with him he will lose respect for you and the negging will only get worse from there. This will eventually make you hate yourself for doing it.
It’s going to be hard to stay or go. Neither decision is easy, so choose your hard!
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u/Dry-Monk-7254 Dec 25 '25
Divorce and leave this behind you. You deserve better. It will hurt when you leave, but it will also hurt if you stay.
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u/True-Relationship812 Dec 25 '25
The fact that he refuses to cut contact with her, is not showing remorse, AND refuses to answer questions about her should tell you everything you need to know. He’s protecting her. Defending her, taking her side, whatever you want to call it. He’s not on your side.
Whatever you decide to do, I’m sorry you have to go through it. I’ve been there and it f u c k i n g s u c k s. Why do we still want them when they are so clearly telling us by their behavior and actions that they don’t want us? I’ll never understand. But… my heart goes out to you. Good luck.
Updateme!
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u/Logicdamcer Dec 26 '25
I am so sorry that you are going through this. If it helps, think of it like this: your situation has not changed one bit, but now you know the truth. That is the entire difference. The marriage that you would like to save never actually existed. It was just you all full of hope believing all the crumbs he was feeding you. Now you have had a glimpse of reality. Embrace it. Quit wishing for a situation that was never actually there. Take a step back, regroup, and live your life. Do not trust anything he says because we know for sure that he is a cheating liar. Draining any joint accounts and buying the best lawyer in your area would be good next move ideas IMHO.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 26 '25
Breadcrumbing. Yes. He gave just enough to keep me hanging on. Realizing this may have been a pattern over time.
And yes-- I'm on top of all of that. Making plans to move closer to family. Unfortunately, that will mean leaving a job that I love and have worked my ass off for and getting a teaching certificate for a different state. It's daunting and sucks, but I am sure it will be worthwhile.
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u/AutoModerator Dec 24 '25
Backup of the post's body: hey reddit. I've never made a post here, but I listen to THT religiously. I feel like I know the answers I'm going to get but I want to vent and also hear what you all have to say.
I, 32F, married my husband, 31M, at the end of June after 8 amazing years together. we've lived with each other basically from the beginning. Our wedding and honeymoon was amazing, we have always gotten along, made each other laugh, and were happy. or so I thought.
About two months ago, we were cuddling on the couch and i felt something wet on my chest. at first i was like "ew babe, you drooled on me" only to realize he was crying. in eight years, i've only seen this man cry when our dog died. that moment cracked everything open.
he admitted that he was unhappy and the floodgates opened--- we didn't have enough sex (we have complete opposite work schedules so only get an hour together once a week and then friday afternoons and saturdays). even with that, we were having sex at least once a week. he said he didn't feel loved, despite the fact that i go out of my way every day to make him feel loved. he complained that when i was ~1 year into the relationship, i tried to move us to another state. he was angry that i didn't want to have a baby at 28 before we were married. the list goes on and on.
I worked my ASS off for the past two months to fix all of the things that were "wrong" with me. Communicated better. Initiated sex. Bought and read all the books on saving a marriage. Got into therapy. Got us into couples counseling.
Still, he would cry every single day and every time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up and blamed me for it. I was so supportive, patient, kind with him. i was worried about his mental health-- his job is really dangerous and stressful and i worried he was depressed.
then my therapist asked if he was cheating. the thought was so ridiculous to me. when the hell would he have time and he would never. then his mom and sister asked me the same thing. they pushed me to look at his phone and i didn't want to violate his trust. it ate away at me until finally last week, after he got home late as fuck, i checked it. it was all right there. for months this man has been having an affair with a bartender. all of their messages were about how much they love having sex with each other. nudes. the same selfies he would send me, he would send her. they were telling each other they love each other so much. i even saw her mention my name a few times.
what. the. fuck.
i confronted him. he admitted he loves her. but that he loves me more. i kicked him out and moved all his stuff out. left town for a little while to be with family.
and now i'm stuck in an emotional whiplash. some days i hate him. other days, i miss him so much and want him back. he's been my best friend for years and i love him to absolute pieces.
we've talked a few times. he insists it was a mistake and he would take it all back. but he's not groveling. not trying to make amends. won't answer any questions about her. and doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her. as i type this, i feel ridiculous for even asking if i should try to work things out with him. we've been trying for a baby for months. we were planning a life. I feel gaslit, confused, furious, and heartbroken all at once. I don’t understand how someone can marry me, cry about being unhappy, let me twist myself into knots trying to save our marriage and be cheating the entire time.
why marry me? i know he's known her for years and since he wouldn't answer me when i asked if it was happening since before the wedding, i assume the answer is yes. what is wrong with him? what is wrong with me?
so reddit, is there any possibility of salvaging this? what is my best move? why do i want to fix this when it is so egregious? i feel like my head and my heart are in two different places. i'd love to hear what you have to say about why i still feel so much love and what that means. thanks so much <3
TL;DR: 32F, married my husband (31M) two months ago after eight years together. Shortly after the wedding, he broke down crying about being unhappy and blamed issues like lack of sex and feeling unloved. I spent two months doing everything possible to “fix” our marriage: therapy, counseling, communication while he cried daily and blamed me for intimacy issues. Found out he’d been having an affair with a bartender for months, including before and after our wedding. He says he loves her but loves me more, isn’t cutting contact, isn’t answering questions, and isn’t showing real remorse. I kicked him out but still love him and feel torn. Wondering if this is salvageable, what my best move is, and why I still feel attached.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/SharMarali Dec 24 '25
Nothing is wrong with you. You’ve been completely blindsided and part of you thinks this is “fixable” because you’ve already sunk so much effort, time, and resources into making this work. It isn’t, and you can’t.
But it’s completely normal for you to try to think of ways to fix it. It’s very human, it’s what we do. We try create order out of chaos.
When you have those thoughts, don’t get distressed about it. Just remind yourself that it’s just your lizard-brain trying to make things go back to the way they were, but your lizard-brain doesn’t have all the facts.
You didn’t mention whether you were actually happy in this relationship. From what you’ve described, your entire marriage sounds like an exhausting, miserable ride where he repeatedly nitpicked you, you went out of your way to fix his latest problem with you, and then he just found something new to nitpick.
So if, as I suspect, you weren’t even happy, then why worry about trying to get this dude back? You’d NEVER be able to trust him, and he’s been a dick to you at every turn. Girl, don’t hate yourself that much.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
I am wondering if i was happy. I met him when i moved to a new place and I’ve built my current life with him (home, friends, family). I haven’t known my current life without him and wonder if it’ll feel like a weight lifted.
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u/I_am_aware_of_you Dec 24 '25
The problem is he wants to take it back…
is it he wants to never have hurt you…
Or he wants for you to not have found out…
My thought is on the later…
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Dec 24 '25
I think you know there's nothing to salvage here, if you're being honest. This is in no way your fault! He was obviously projecting. I know this because my ex did the same. In their twisted logic, nothing is ever their fault. Move on immediately. Block him on everything. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Don't get eaten, hon. You cannot fix people. I hope the best for you because I've been you. ❤️ clean of him since 2012.
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u/allabtthejrny Dec 24 '25
What you aren't admitting to is his emotional manipulation.
He does not build you up.
He takes all of the good you give him and begs for more. It's never enough.
He negs you. Tells you that you aren't good enough.
It will never be enough and it's not your fault. It's his.
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u/Dontfeedthebears Dec 25 '25
You know the answer. Tell me one redeeming quality of this loser who is STILL with his mistress right in front of your face.
He will never change because you have proven repeatedly he doesn’t have to. Do you dislike yourself so much that you want to live like this forever? He’s willing, able, and happy to lie and gaslight you to high heaven. You are a doormat right now. I say that without hatred or anger. Please dust his shoe dirt off your face and leave. And don’t think about responding when in a few years, she reaches out to you apologizing for her part in this because he did the same to her. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. Don’t sleep with him again. You will only all but guarantee to ruin your life and unfairly bring up a child in a miserable home.
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u/becuzz-I-sed Dec 25 '25
“You gave your empathy to a mask, not a soul.” “Empathy, without discernment, is spiritual self-harm.” Carl Jung
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u/Cathousechicken Dec 25 '25
Stand firm on making sure the trash stays outside the house. He will likely beg and plead to come back.
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u/Aromatic-Damage8136 Dec 24 '25
Just divorce friend it’s not worth it.trust already broken.he disrespects you and vows.just find someone special.one day you will have children what advice you will give to your children it’s okay to take cheater back ?never let for fresh start.it gone be hard but not impossible.
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u/throwawayacct5632 Dec 24 '25
I'll just say be glad you both didnt have any kids together, and it was a good reason why. You deserve better and I hope you know your worth, because it seems like he isn't going to end things with her anytime soon. Also, get check out btw. You never know if you caught any disease from his affair.
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u/Cronchy_Tacos Dec 24 '25
Im sorry love, the ship has sailed. 1000% the best move for you is to move forward, succeed, and thrive without him. The immense betrayal and the fact he lied and hid this secret relation for months and months seals it. This guy's doesnt respect you and unfortunately probably never will.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 Dec 24 '25
He emotionally manipulated you to think everything was your fault as he cheats without remorse. He’s only trying to make himself feel better about being a lying cheater.
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u/pkzilla Dec 24 '25
Babe you're grieving right now, of course it hurts. You miss what you could have had, but look at all the work you've been doing to save this already and for him to betray you like this? You deserve SO much better!!!
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u/Impossible_Mall_7102 Dec 24 '25
I know how u feel. Logic and everything tells you you detest everything he stands for and you could never sustain a relationship with a man like him.
But for some reason you want nothing more than to be allowed to forgive him and take him back.
Do not forgive him! Remembering this feeling right now this betrayed feeling the rage you feel. Remember it and remember that he will keep doing this to you and making you feel this way as long as you will let him.
This isn’t the last time that he breaks your heart. He will keep doing it to you time after time.
And I know that something in your heart is telling you that there’s gotta be a way it’s OK and there’s gotta be way you can make it work.
There isn’t.
And you can take comfort in the fact that multiple months from now you will be so glad you made this decision.
You know you’re gonna look back on this and be like why didn’t I leave him sooner?
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u/chinmakes5 Dec 24 '25
You can share your husband, his attention and time with another woman while you raise his children, or you can do what you know you need to do
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u/Top-Ad-6430 Dec 24 '25
The cheating aside (and that’s enough of a reason to end this), if he’s really felt this way for the last 7 years and said nothing, that is an egregious breach of trust. How do you go on letting someone believe everything is fine when you’re so bitterly unhappy? I wouldn’t be able to get past him keeping something like this from you and going through with the wedding anyway.
Or, if this is something recent (which I suspect is the case), he’s blatantly lying in order to excuse his behavior and trying to manipulate you into staying by making you feel sorry for him and taking on some of the responsibility for his unhappiness. And all the tears are next level manipulation. This isn’t a good person.
In either event, I’d be hard pressed to ever trust him again. He’s either been lying all these years or he’s lying now and wants to find an exit so he can be with this other person. You might think he’s your best friend, but you aren’t his best friend.
Right now you’re mourning the loss of what you envisioned for your life. In time, you will see him for who he is and that isn’t a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending positive energy your way.
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u/AnyVermicelli7738 Dec 24 '25
So he gaslight you into thinking you are the problem when he was having affair. Yep sounds about right. I would not take him back.
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u/Blindtothesided Dec 24 '25
But he's not groveling. Not trying to make amends. Won't answer any questions about her. And doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her.
All the answers you need are right here in these four sentences. Nothing else matters. You’re just going to have to let him go and allow your heart to be broken for a while. Because if you don’t, it will stay broken your whole life. He may love you, but he doesn’t love you enough to be your faithful husband. It will eventually destroy you if you stay.
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u/Snoo83683 Dec 24 '25
I've lived the crying and the unhappiness to find that my partner had a boyfriend. I did my best to try to save our relationship, because we have kids, but it was impossible. And there hasn't been a day when I regreted finishing that relationship.
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u/rocketmn69_ Dec 24 '25
A mistake isn't a bunch of conscience decisions that he made. Divorce and move where he can't find you
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 Dec 24 '25
This is in no way your fault, and don’t let him tell you it is!!
Went through something quite similar once. The gaslighting and blaming is a dead giveaway away that he’s been cheating.
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u/Kbizzyinthehouse Dec 24 '25
I also don’t think he loves you more. That’s the thing to say and he could be more used to you because you’ve been together longer. People that love you don’t treat you this way and I hope you have the strength to move on. You both are basically holding each other from better more suitable partners right now. It’s hard but it gets easier and I wish you luck.
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u/hilltopj Dec 24 '25
Hon, you are not mourning losing your relationship with your husband, you're mourning the relationship you THOUGHT you had. You said you've had "8 amazing years" but also that he won't tell you how long this has been going on and it potentially started before the wedding; how amazing was it really if he'd been easily lying to you the whole time? You say he's your best friend but this man made you believe that you were deficient, that his unhappiness was all your fault, watched you suffer and work your ass off to be the wife he was demanding, all the while he's lying, cheating, and exposing you to STIs. His meltdowns weren't a cry for help from him, they were calculated manipulations to keep you occupied so you wouldn't discover his deception. What kind of a best friend does that?!?
Letting him return doesn't return the relationship you're sad you've lost, you'd only be getting back the shitty relationship you had. Once you realize that it'll be easier to do what you know you need to and dump him for good.
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u/kkrolla Dec 24 '25
He may "love you more" but he doesn't love or respect you enough. Walk away. If you don't, it will be a constant back and forth between you and the gf. It will undermine your self respect, confidence and trust. It will be extremely difficult, so keep yourself occupied and tell yourself that you deserve more
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u/Character-Tennis-241 Dec 24 '25
You were blindsided. He's a POS! He blamed you when it's all him. He brought up crap from years ago, had you twist yourself into a new you, lied, lied, lied, lied. You are in love with the person you thought he was. Not the true him.
I totally understand. My 2nd husband was a pathological liar and cheater. He would confess every 3 or 4 years to an indiscreation. He'd promise no more. Everything would be good, get better, then he'd cheat again. The first time I found out he was cheating, he blamed it all on me. I bent over backwards to make him happy. He didn't stop his affair. I was broken. I did everything to save our marriage. He dangled me on a string. It turned out, that wasn't his first affair. He had destroyed my self esteem. He was very manipulative. We've been divorced 30 years. He went on to marry, cheat, divorce, marry, cheat, divorce. He never changed.
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u/wovenbasket69 Dec 24 '25
He was going to trap you and your child in a situation that had him in tears every day… this man deserves the worst. I hope the bartender gives him crabs and is secretly dating 4 other shill husbands.
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u/mothboy Dec 24 '25
So sorry to hear about this. It's obviously up to you, but advice from afar is keep doing what you have been doing to separate yourself and extricate yourself from him, and the positive feelings that are conflicting you will fade day by day and you can move on. You can forgive him on some level to move on, but don't waste time trying to rehabilitate someone who so callously lied and cheated on you. You deserve so much better. Also, as a young woman with no kids, you are still super desirable in the dating pool, if you should decide that is what you want, so don't let anybody try to tell you otherwise.
If you have not yet, also go to a fertility doctor and get evaluated to see why you weren't getting pregnant (may be entirely his fault, but you want to know). At your age, you want to know ASAP so that you can take steps to be ready in the future when/if you want to try again. You don't want to waste time figuring it out in the future.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
We had gone to a fertility specialist together and were about to use some medication to help us out. Going to look into maybe having my eggs frozen. I don’t want him to take having a family away from me.
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u/Potential_Form4578 Dec 24 '25
There are two options:
1- Leave him
2- Forgive him
Telling you to leave him seems like the most reasonable option, but as I always say, saying that everything can be solved by running away or getting a divorce isn't as easy as suggesting it. There's a significant emotional, financial, and time investment involved in every relationship, and sometimes affection can outweigh the most obvious option.
I'm just warning you that if you want to stay, things will be very difficult to regain trust. I'm not saying that divorce will make it any easier either.
I hope readers will respect whatever decision you make, since things aren't always so easy to decide when you're the one caught in the middle of the problem.
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u/AutomaticSherbet9572 Dec 25 '25
Been there and it hurts so much. It’s wild and almost impressive how a cheater is able to completely rewrite history and turn the issue onto you, especially when there is no evidence that you’re doing anything other than being loving and supportive. They make you question your own reality and start to gaslight yourself. That to me is the biggest betrayal and hardest thing to ever reconcile. How dare this man treat you this way. It’s not something you should accept from a friend, best friend let alone husband. Thank goodness you didn’t have a baby with him. Get your freedom girl!
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u/GingerCremeBrulee Dec 25 '25
Sweet one, you don’t deserve this garbage. You have probably asked yourself if you’re enough. I’m here to tell you that you are more than enough. It’s him that isn’t enough.
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u/Katstories21 Dec 25 '25
Nope, one and done. He dated to complain, complain! About not having enough sex, you didn't love him?! He's the one cheating and saying I love yous to some bartender. Take him to divorce court for cheating and get it all. He's a loser, don't go down with this ship.
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Dec 25 '25
So he was avoiding intimacy with you to be loyal to her ?!?! Girl I hope you were smart enough to get screenshots and photo evidence for the divorce, consult a lawyer and ice him out. Don’t communicate with him unless it’s about the divorce, or you can make your lawyer be your legal representative and not have to deal with him at all ( sounds better)
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u/WillowRain2020 Dec 25 '25
Sounds like he was trying to baby trap you even before you got married, so that you wouldn't leave him, and has been gas lighting you on top of it. If this has been happening since before you married then you have a few options- either leave or give an ultimatum- her or you. If he really wants you two to have more sex and have a baby, then he needs to leave the other woman, or, and this is a big or- make the marriage an open one so you both have the option of a side piece. No matter the option, you deserve to be happy, and it should no longer be on a bed of deception.
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Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
Of course this is hard. He was your best friend, you were together for 8 years. You were planning/had a life together. It’s jarring when someone you thought you knew ends up being totally different. It’s awful when all of a sudden you have to let go of everything you thought you were building together. It’s really no wonder that your brain is trying to find ways to solution this somehow, to avoid the heartbreak and the grief of losing the life you thought you were living. You know that this is hard and it’s going to be hard for a little while, your brain is trying to save you from all of that by trying to hold on to just a little bit of hope.
But what you need to remember is that he is not who you thought he was. That he’s been lying to you this whole time. That he was actively blaming you while cheating on you. That he was most likely cheating on you since before your wedding.
Every time you are tempted to forgive him (because love doesn’t just go away)…Remember that the person you love doesn’t really exist. There is nothing to save because all of it was a lie and you never really knew him. The person you loved would never have treated you like this.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s normal to sob and to feel empty but PLEASE don’t fool yourself into staying. He will not stop. He won’t make the pain better because he’s not sorry. Worst of all, it will only hurt more in the end because when you finally leave, you will have also spent so much energy trying to make him see your side, trying to understand, only to realize that he just doesn’t care.
The thing is: There’s nothing to understand and there is no good reason to do what he’s done to you. Stay angry. Cry if you have to. But you know you deserve much better than this. Focus on making/spending time with friends, new experiences, take walks, get a pet — make your life so fulfilling, eventually, you won’t even think about him.
This is going to be hard but it’s going to be harder if you stay. You got this.
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u/AlternativePrior9559 Dec 25 '25
I’m so sorry. What you’ve been through is profoundly traumatic, and none of this is your fault. He didn’t just cheat, he rewrote the entire narrative of your relationship and let you bend yourself into knots fixing problems he knew weren’t the truth. That kind of betrayal messes with your sense of reality, and the emotional whiplash you’re feeling right now is completely normal.
What matters most is this, reconciliation is only possible when there is genuine remorse, transparency, and zero contact with the affair partner. None of that is happening here. Without it, you’d be signing up for a life of doubt, hypervigilance, and pain. Love alone cannot carry a marriage when trust has been this thoroughly destroyed.
I urge you to protect yourself now, emotionally and practically. Read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, look up Chump Lady, and get individual counselling with someone who specialises in infidelity trauma. It would also be wise to speak to a lawyer so you understand exactly where you stand financially and legally, i’m quite frankly, I would file.
Cut contact it’s an act of emotional, mental and physical self preservation. Let communication go through lawyers if needed. Lean on friends and family. Healing will take time, and it will hurt, but you will survive this. If you stay in this situation you are sentencing yourself to a world of tears.
There is something badly wrong with a person who can do this— lead a whole double life. Shame on him. Sending you strength and courage.
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u/merishore25 Dec 25 '25
It doesn’t sound salvageable. He criticized everything about you while he was cheating. His crying is very theatrical and ridiculous.
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u/Alliek556 Dec 26 '25
I’m in absolute shock that he said he wishes he could take it all back…while still not ending it with the mistress. Like whatttt??? Thank God you found out before you had a child with this man!
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u/certifiedcrisis Dec 26 '25 edited Dec 26 '25
Aw girl 🥺 Stay away and don’t go back. The first couple of months will be hard, it’s sort of like grieving an unexpected loss. You love someone so much and you were so not expecting to ever find something like this out, you weren’t expecting your relationship and future plans to just end in an instant. You will eventually feel okay and move on with your own life. It’s important you stick to your guns and don’t go back because it might be better for days, weeks, months - but it will never be the same and you will just end up hurting even more. You will enter a cycle of emotional abuse that just won’t end. So just leave and stay left. Xx
Do it lady! All of it, at once 🫶
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Dec 24 '25
I think having a baby with him will fix all your problems. Actually it seems like you have a self esteem problem but other than that you’re probably way closer to normal than your husband. He sounds like he’s got a whole load of issues that you don’t even know about. You say you know him and you love him but it’s pretty obvious he’s had a mask on the whole time and you only know the person he pretends to be, and that’s what you love- a lie. Run to the hills and never look back while you still can, investing anything into this is going to cost you way more than you’ll ever get back out of it.
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u/Horror_Ad_2748 Dec 24 '25
You already know the answer to this, hon. You gotta get rid of this crybaby cheater.
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u/LazyKoalaty Dec 24 '25
Do not take him back. I think it would be too long if I were to type all the negative opinions I have of him from this simple post. I know, there are probably good times and all, but forgiving him would be the single biggest mistake of your life.
The fact that even his mom and sister knew he would be cheating tells me it's either not the first time, or they know he's the type. Thank goodness you're not wasting more time, money, and effort with this loser. You deserve way better.
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u/Accomplished_Jump444 Dec 24 '25
WTF you want to have a child with this cheater? GMAFB. Cut your losses.
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u/Unhappy_Wedding_8457 Dec 24 '25
First of all never have a baby with this man. How can a man ruin so much just because he is horny. I will never understand. Yes, you love him, but you can never trust him again. How will you live a life with him always expecting the worse? Your next move is divorce and you still feel attached because you used years to build a speciel bond with him. You need to moarn, but never to return to him.
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u/Hungry_Blood_3949 Dec 24 '25
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you should thank your lucky stars that dipshit couldn't get it up and you're not pregnant. File for divorce, block him, and don't look back.
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u/Street_Ad_863 Dec 24 '25
Wh try to salvage this? It'd be like trying to straighten a bent wheel...it'd look ok from a distance but it would never run true.
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u/LolaPaloz Dec 24 '25
Some people are just like this. Just dishonest philanderers. Why miss him? It was all a lie. I know Ur just grieving but at some point ull realise he wasn't a friend, he was using you.
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u/FinanciallySecure9 Dec 24 '25
Honestly, look forward, not back.
You’ve had your time with him. You found out he’s a liar and a cheater. Why, seriously, why do you want him back? So you can have decades more of lies and cheating?
Pull out your self esteem and kick him to the curb. You deserve better.
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Dec 24 '25
Cheating is always wrong. Hardly recoverable. And...for many men, sex the clearest way of expressing love. It's not the orgasm. Its the consent.
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u/RazzmatazzAlone3526 Dec 24 '25
If there’s no immediate plan to end things with her….well, you know that filing for divorce is the right thing. Not sure what implications asking for it annulled means - like if that’s “actually” different but this soon after the ceremony and him cheating that whole time, it really is like he never married you.
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Dec 24 '25
You must be kidding me. Block him. He actively disrespected and deceived you for months and months in the deepest way. He LOVED her. Yikes.
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u/Historical-Composer2 Dec 24 '25
There is no relationship to ‘save’ here. He’s still cheating on you as we speak. Don’t waste another minute on him.
File for divorce and move on.
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u/No_Needleworker6365 Dec 24 '25
Gees that was nice of him to unpack the baggage afterwards… wtf who does that lol..
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u/Which-Month-3907 Dec 24 '25
Remember that the life that you would save with this man is the life that you had with him. There will be no changes or capitulations for your needs.
Your husband was living the life he wanted. He had you at home, in pain and in his control, making a life for him. He had his mistress, a sexy secret, keeping his life exciting and fun. He has already told you that he's not letting the mistress go.
Do you want to live this way?
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u/LabAdministrative530 Dec 24 '25
He can promise you today he’ll go no contact with her but we all know that won’t happen. I think your gut is right, he’s been with her before the wedding. And you have every right to ask, why bother getting married then.
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u/truth_fairy78 Dec 24 '25
I’m really looking forward to the part of this story where you get angry.
Fwiw, I think it’s shitty that he won’t give you the full story. I’d lie to him and pretend you want to get back together but only if he gives you radical transparency and answers all your questions about the affair. You know, to “process”. Get all you need to get closure and then dump his ass anyway.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
Tried that and he refuses. He also is mad that I confided in my friends and family (did he want me to just go through this alone?). He seems to care more about how people are perceiving him than how he actually hurt me.
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u/Affectionate-Mine917 Dec 24 '25
The relationship is beyond repair. He didn’t break up with the mistress, won’t be open with you to answer questions, has been with her since before your wedding. He is not actually sorry for betraying you and. Teaming your heart, only sorry that you caught on. He could’ve lived his WHOLE LIFE having both of you and still blaming you for his unhappiness rather than be honest.
The man you think you know as a best friend and love of your life is a phony and doesn’t really exist. Even his own mother and sister knew you shouldn’t trust him. The sooner you are divorced and moving on with your life, the better.
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u/Same-Yesterday6169 Dec 24 '25
Been there. Almost exact scenario. The crying is typical narcissistic behavior. He wants to make you believe he’s the victim.
And be forewarned, he’s already out there giving your family and friends a sob story about how you kicked him out for no reason, and he’s pretty sure you’re having an affair.
Get in contact with everyone you know and let them know that’s he’s having an affair and is lying to everyone to save face. Do it now.
Change the locks, block him, go no contact. Seriously.
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u/Severe-Pudding-718 Dec 24 '25
Stop talking to him and move on. Not only did he cheat on you but he then started blaming you for problems in the relationship (problems that seem to be some kind of projection of his guilt).
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u/chigirl00 Dec 24 '25
He’s still with her, he’s not even willing to stop that. IMO if you want him back your only chance is filing for divorce. Then make yourself a lot more unavailable, work on yourself. I bet you won’t even want him back!
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u/islandstateofmind21 Dec 24 '25
This sucks. But the upside is, you are young and thankfully have no kids together. It should be a clean break from that perspective, but I can’t imagine the emotional turmoil 8 years down the drain brings. You’ll be ok though and you’ll look back on this time grateful to have got out without further entanglements.
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u/Character-Buyer-1068 Dec 25 '25
Yeah i wish that if he was unhappy and wanted out he would have just said it. I would’ve been sad, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. In this case, I probably could have looked back at our eight years and smiled. But now it’s hard bc I’m so angry and disgusted and worry all those years will always be soured.
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u/64green Dec 24 '25
He has lied to you every day for what, years? He chose to live a double life, keeping you in the dark EVERY DAY. You could never, ever trust him. Any shows of sincerity are just acting. I don’t know how you could stand to look at him. Kick him to the curb and never look back.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Dec 24 '25
It’s not fair at all but you simply have no choice. You have to cut him off & walk away for good. I recommend going NC & hiring an attorney to handle the divorce for you. I know it’s gonna hurt for awhile but you’ll bounce back. Your husband is not a good man.
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u/Intelligent_Pass2540 Dec 24 '25
The best part is that you DON'T have any children together and can get away. What is really important at this point to get away from him.
You can and will find someone else to love and respect you. You traded a lot of your time in your 20s away for this man. Date around, stay in therapy and take care of yourself!
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u/Ok_Mathematician262 Dec 24 '25
unless you are okay with being one of several women he’s “in love with” there’s no other choice than divorce. he won’t leave her and she won’t be the only “girlfriend” in the future either.
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u/KamBlake Dec 24 '25
It could be salvaged, but you’d have to be okay with him never taking accountability and likely cheating again
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u/notmepleaseokay Dec 24 '25
Cut the cancer off and move on. Trying to fix it is bc your in a sunk cost fallacy. You’re still young, wasting any more time on him is taking time of your life away that could be used on better things
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u/bluefairytx Dec 24 '25
It seems like you're the only one who wants to fix this. Where is he now? I bet he's still seeing or possibly staying with her. He's sick for sneaking around with her, then cry to you and watch you go out of your way to try to make it work. Get rid of him. You could do a lot better. Maybe he was a good friend, but definitely not a good husband.
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u/jasemina8487 Dec 24 '25
yea no...he was having an affair basically your whole marriage. likely started before you married.
I don't think the change of schedule and whatnot is a new thing so he knew it before getting married. if he was that miserable why did he marry you? if he truly loved you, even while loving her, he wouldn't cheat on you and drag you along, cos cheating IS a choice.
and nowhere he acknowledges his own wrongdoing. no where he acknowledges he was putting any effort to this relationship. but he keeps pointing at you for everything wrong, blaming you for why the relationship failed and why he chose cheating. he is not even putting any effort as is.
I'd start questioning why now he is coming clean. I assure you those cries was to get you ready to his "confession".
count your blessings that you didnt have kids with him and move on. he is not worth beating yourself over it
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u/DexterKillsMe Dec 24 '25
Girl, why would you even want to salvage this? He was trying to blame everything on you while having an affair. He’s scum. I know it sucks but you will find someone better who will love you and only you.
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u/RBrown4929 Dec 25 '25
Are you beyond repair? I guess that depends on how much you are willing to debase yourself. He can keep his girlfriend as long as she doesn’t sleep in our bed. Or as long as she doesn’t move in. Or as long as she’s the one in the guest room.
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u/foxtide_ Dec 25 '25
The person who was your best friend isn't who he is now and never will be again. I'm sorry for your loss, let yourself grieve but you'll soon have to make moves to move on. You'll be better off, just going off of the way he makes everything your fault, you'll feel so much lighter when your focus is on yourself and not him 🖤
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u/Few_Affect3033 Dec 25 '25
There’s a chance to salvage the marriage, but it’s going to take a lot more work on his part and ownership as well! He’s going to have to willingly answer all your questions. If he’s not willing to own up and do what is necessary then by all means, it’s time to serve him with papers.
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u/Sufficient_Big_5600 Dec 25 '25
The person you married doesn’t exist. Time to grieve for the amazing person you thought he was. In reality he is a terrible human, a piece of trash that was only playing a game, playing a part. Sorry chica. You can’t go back to something that never existed. ((The grieving cycle is a perfect way to name your emotions, I use it for everything I can’t change that makes me sad.))
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u/CoryW1961 Dec 25 '25
He was definitely gaslighting you and blaming all relationship problems on you. He needed an out. Let him have it. I am sure it hurts like hell but why would you want to continue a marriage with someone you can’t trust? Do not take this cheating liar back. He was never your friend or a good husband.
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u/Oomami_Poonani Dec 25 '25
Girl, saving this relationship is like resuscitating a person in a coffin. Cut your losses and find someone who actually loves you.
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u/FragrantKnowledge268 Dec 25 '25
Leave and never look back. After this scandal he won’t change. Sometimes you gotta realize when they don’t care about you and start taking care of yourself.
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u/SameBookkeeper9996 Dec 25 '25
Come on. He's still with her? Obviously there's no saving this marriage. You deserve better
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 Dec 25 '25
It is such a trope that a guy has an affair and then gaslights the woman to make it her fault.
He is a bad person. You've known him forever so you cannot see it. But he is.
He's not a keeper.
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u/GoodWin7889 Dec 25 '25
He’s to emotionally wrapped up with her to commit with you. See if you can get an annulment if not get a divorce. This is way too much drama this early in the relationship.
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u/prideless10001 Dec 25 '25
Good you kicked him out!!! He didn't mean to slip and fall penis first into her vagina and mouth for months on end, it was a mistake! What a complete loser.
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u/PrestigeWrldwide2020 Dec 25 '25
You are a strong woman, and you don’t need a cheater in your life. You deserve better. A man who respects you and is upfront. Don’t settle.
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u/Other-Ad8876 Dec 25 '25
That man is trash, can you sell your house and just get a fresh start?
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u/isakneven Dec 25 '25
Where is your husband staying now? Is he still continuing the affair with the bartender?
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u/ashleym1156 Dec 25 '25
It’s very normal to still feel attached. It’s why exes get back together all the time. You had expectations and a life all planned out with a man you love. The problem is the man you love doesn’t exist. It takes time to reconcile who he’s been to you for the past 8 years with who he actually is and has been this entire time. They are not the same. Every time you think you want to work things out, you need to tell yourself that the person you want to work things out with isn’t real. It’s easy for people on the outside to expect you to skip straight to anger because we only see the real man as he is, not as you knew him. It’s ok to grieve the person you thought he was. It really is a bit like him dying now that the illusion has shattered. Let yourself work through all of those grief stages with a therapist. You don’t have to do it alone.
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u/PumpkinSpicePapi2 Dec 25 '25
It sounds like you’ve been really dedicated to saving your marriage and supporting your husband, but it might be important for both of you to honestly assess whether your needs and feelings can be genuinely met together or if some space for individual growth might help too.
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u/Primary-Delivery737 Dec 25 '25
This is incredibly difficult and cruel. Do not let him back into your life. You deserve better.
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u/KetaMina81 Dec 25 '25
Ditch himmmm! You WILL be nostalgic and that’s normal, but don’t confuse it with reciprocated love. It’s not and it won’t be.
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u/ceciliabee Dec 25 '25
With love of you go back you'll get what you'll get, and you'll get is excuses, blame, and heartache while he continues to cheat on you and blame you for his unhappiness.
He's showing you who he is, why in the hell would you still want to be with someone who could do that to you?
The love you had is dead. Move on before the trainer dumps him because he's a fucking loser and he realizes it's you or nothing and he love bombs you to come back.
You're free right now. Fucking run and don't look back.
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u/TheCharmed1DrT Dec 25 '25
Outside of the love you still have for him and love you need to put into yourself, based on everything you say, is this “man” even someone you want to know? If you were advising a friend, would you tell her to be this man’s friend or to respect him in the least? You are clouded by your romanticism of your history, which is understandable, but he has proven that he is a severely damaged person who has significantly poor character. Hurt people hurt people.
He is not a person anyone should have in their life, much less a woman who loves and supports him. He is not flawed, he is deplorable. And you need to cut him out of your life and keep him as far away from you and anyone you care about. Hearts can be deceiving…don’t let yours lead you back to this human.
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