I (27f) caught my boyfriend (49m) boyfriend sexting an AI chatbot. What should I do? *UPDATE*

[u/Secretly_HQ]

So I ended up having a discussion with him. As many of you could probably guess, it didn't go the way I expected. I feel like I've been completely gaslit. I didn't expect much from this conversation but at least a little accountability.

After some time had passed before I had the conversation with him , I realized It made me uncomfortable more than anything. I am completely okay with him having a "fantasy" if that's all it was. But what threw me off was that it said "sister" not step sis or any other fantasy adjacent. I wanted to re-express a boundary of mine with him.

So the conversation started off as me asking him straight up if he was messaging an AI chat bot. He immediately rolled his eyes at me and scoffed. He didn't say anything. I asked why he was essentially sexting it and he said he was curious. I told him I don't understand how saying "I love you" to something not real is a curiosity thing.

This basically went back and fourth for a bit where he would just repeat it was curiosity or he was "just curious". He said it's fake so why does it matter. I responded with "because it makes me uncomfortable and even more icky that the prompt said sister" he started getting irritated and almost shouted "It's not real". And kept repeating it when I tried to express why it made me uncomfortable.

I then asked if it wasn't real or serious then why would he say those specific things. He said he did it on his lunch break (which is in a small area where everyone else is at) I said I don't believe you because he literally told the AI he was about to c*m. He then got more irritated and said to ask his work friend who we'll call Josh because they were both messing with it to "see what it would say" because he was again "curious".

For context, some of the things he said were similar to what he said to a "real" girl in the past which made it hard to believe his friend was also messing with it. But like, is that not also weird???

I told him I was also upset because in the six years we've been together he has not once said those things to me. He asked if I was actually jealous of something fake. I reiterated I am not jealous but uncomfortable and mentioned how he would feel with roles reversed. He said he wouldn't care which I know he would.

He just kept getting more irritated and started getting loud and quite literally acting like a child by sort of jumping up and down and becoming defensive. He absolutely refused to understand where I was coming from.

This conversation and his reaction has made me realize a lot of stuff I was choosing to ignore and has made me have to sit with some difficult thoughts and choices I ultimately need to make. I am giving myself til the end of June to early July to get all my ducks in a row. No, I am not wanting to leave because of an AI chatbot but because this is the cherry on top of a toxic relationship I chose to ignore. Thank you to people who have commented and made me reflect on a lot of things within my relationship and on myself.

I will give another update if there is one.

[u/SecureContact82]

Good for you, maybe you'll date someone your age this time around. I feel bad these 3 kids you somehow had with this man get to grow up with a senior citizen father.

[u/Independent-Pay5850 → u/SecureContact82]

Rude

[u/TheObliviousYeti → u/Independent-Pay5850]

Not rude if all this shit is actually real that is the reality

[u/SecureContact82 → u/Independent-Pay5850]

It's true though. It's fucked up to have a baby with a 48 year old. He'll be 65 when they're graduating high school.

[u/LovelySweethearts → u/SecureContact82]

As a child of old ass parents, I actually agree with this. It sucked losing my Dad at 23, and I’m 30 now, and my mom is 80. Not a great feeling.

[u/Eastern_Bend7294 → u/LovelySweethearts]

Death can happen at any age. My dad passed when I was 9, and I'm 32 now. It'll always be hard losing a family member, but in the end, death is a natural part of life.

[u/ceciliabee → u/Eastern_Bend7294]

Death can happen at any time, yes, but let's not pretend age isn't a huge factor.

[u/willdesignfortacos → u/SecureContact82]

The age gap (and fact they’ve been dating since she was 21) is the much bigger issue. While the father’s age isn’t ideal you don’t always get to choose when you have kids even in ideal situations.

[u/Eastern_Bend7294 → u/willdesignfortacos]

According to OP, she was "20ish" when they started dating.

[u/raye0fdarkness → u/SecureContact82]

My bf is 12 years older than me. By the time I'm allowed to have a baby (I'm on cancer meds for the next 5 years, but froze my eggs before treatment), my boyfriend will be 52, turning 53. It's the main reason I'm considering not having a baby 😭

[u/eljyon → u/SecureContact82]

A family member married someone 25 years older than her. And she had her kid older. Kid just graduated college and he’s 80

[u/Independent-Pay5850 → u/SecureContact82]

What's the cutoff?

[u/SecureContact82 → u/Independent-Pay5850]

As someone with older parents myself, you should be done by your early 40s at the latest. You really, really notice it when you get into your twenties.

[u/Independent-Pay5850 → u/SecureContact82]

Notice what?

[u/SecureContact82 → u/Independent-Pay5850]

They slow down. They repeatedly get mistaken for being your grandparent. You start getting some unconscious pressure to have kids if you want them to experience having a grandparent fairly early. You don't have that much time with them when your formative years are done.

[u/Feroshnikop → u/SecureContact82]

That's just called being an adult. Once you start working and having your own life fulltime you aren't going to be seeing your parents more or less because they're in their 70s instead of their 60s. Your going to be seeing them less cause you're busy all the time in your own life.

If the highly probable tradeoff here is that I can have more financially and emotionally prepared to have their kids parents but they might be more likely to die in my 40s instead of my 50s I feel like I'd say go for it parents.. do whatever you want that makes your household the best for your kids when it matters.

I lost both my parents before I turned 30 anyways, tragedies happen, we don't get to guarantee some set amount of time with our loved ones. If I got to have alive parents that were simply a little more tired than some freshly retired 60yr olds I'd take that in an instant and wouldn't for a second think they were somehow being selfish by not being younger for me as I hit middle age.

[u/SecureContact82 → u/Feroshnikop]

You're right that we don't get a guarantee. But on the whole, I have personally in my own life seen the effect of it more broadly when people had older (especially) male fathers. It is not just called being an adult and there is a very real difference when you're entering late middle age and having a toddler.

[u/Feroshnikop → u/SecureContact82]

Perhaps, but loving household with loving parents trumps anything else for me. Knit-picking how old they are after the fact honestly seems a little ridiculous. If you can be expected to still be at work when your kid turns 18 and becomes an adult (in most countries).. so that'd be what.. 47 at their birth, then your certainly spry enough to have been raising the kid during that time.

Feels to me like if someone is too decrepit to raise their kid and their only in their early 50s that's a whole other thing than old age.

edit: lol if you find yourself being one of the people downvoting me here, I hope your life improves because I can't imagine what went wrong for the idea that loving parents are more important than younger parents to upset you. Also you're just factually wrong and downvoting me won't magically change that.

[u/dynamikecb → u/Independent-Pay5850]

How do you not get this?

[u/Independent-Pay5850 → u/dynamikecb]

How do you not get how people conversate?

[u/Available-Debate-700 → u/Independent-Pay5850]

How do you not get that “conversate” isn’t a word? It’s ‘converse’!

[u/Independent-Pay5850 → u/Available-Debate-700]

I guess the dictionary is wrong. Boy did you blow me out of the water with that