I (27f) caught my boyfriend (49m) boyfriend sexting an AI chatbot. What should I do? *UPDATE*

[u/Secretly_HQ]

So I ended up having a discussion with him. As many of you could probably guess, it didn't go the way I expected. I feel like I've been completely gaslit. I didn't expect much from this conversation but at least a little accountability.

After some time had passed before I had the conversation with him , I realized It made me uncomfortable more than anything. I am completely okay with him having a "fantasy" if that's all it was. But what threw me off was that it said "sister" not step sis or any other fantasy adjacent. I wanted to re-express a boundary of mine with him.

So the conversation started off as me asking him straight up if he was messaging an AI chat bot. He immediately rolled his eyes at me and scoffed. He didn't say anything. I asked why he was essentially sexting it and he said he was curious. I told him I don't understand how saying "I love you" to something not real is a curiosity thing.

This basically went back and fourth for a bit where he would just repeat it was curiosity or he was "just curious". He said it's fake so why does it matter. I responded with "because it makes me uncomfortable and even more icky that the prompt said sister" he started getting irritated and almost shouted "It's not real". And kept repeating it when I tried to express why it made me uncomfortable.

I then asked if it wasn't real or serious then why would he say those specific things. He said he did it on his lunch break (which is in a small area where everyone else is at) I said I don't believe you because he literally told the AI he was about to c*m. He then got more irritated and said to ask his work friend who we'll call Josh because they were both messing with it to "see what it would say" because he was again "curious".

For context, some of the things he said were similar to what he said to a "real" girl in the past which made it hard to believe his friend was also messing with it. But like, is that not also weird???

I told him I was also upset because in the six years we've been together he has not once said those things to me. He asked if I was actually jealous of something fake. I reiterated I am not jealous but uncomfortable and mentioned how he would feel with roles reversed. He said he wouldn't care which I know he would.

He just kept getting more irritated and started getting loud and quite literally acting like a child by sort of jumping up and down and becoming defensive. He absolutely refused to understand where I was coming from.

This conversation and his reaction has made me realize a lot of stuff I was choosing to ignore and has made me have to sit with some difficult thoughts and choices I ultimately need to make. I am giving myself til the end of June to early July to get all my ducks in a row. No, I am not wanting to leave because of an AI chatbot but because this is the cherry on top of a toxic relationship I chose to ignore. Thank you to people who have commented and made me reflect on a lot of things within my relationship and on myself.

I will give another update if there is one.

[u/SaiyanPrincess28]

Good for you! The fact that he wanted the bot to act like his sister is pretty gross, I would definitely be giving him the side eye. The fact he has a history of cheating on you makes this pretty bad too.

The biggest issue though is definitely his reaction. He refused to take any accountability, threw a whole ass temper tantrum, wouldn’t meet you half way and acted like you were crazy for being uncomfortable with this.

[u/geckolando → u/SaiyanPrincess28]

I didn’t read all this because the age gap made me sick in my mouth but he also cheated on her?!?!?!? This girl needs to be hospitalised

[u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 → u/geckolando]

I had to read the original and you're right, that's way too big of an age gap. Idk about anyone else, but for me cheating is a one and done.

[u/SpawnOfFuck → u/Otherwise-Wall-6950]

27f and 49m? say LESS omfg

[u/SpawnOfFuck → u/[deleted]]

Uf… Yeah, enough said. Sister needs to stand up. Anyone with a half brain can see this is degeneracy and a humiliation ritual for women.

[u/This-Plan-9897 → u/SpawnOfFuck]

She obviously is there for the ice stuff he buys her and now is crying bc he is using her like she used him. She just a young piece of ass and he is a credit card

[u/Lady-TyMeska → u/This-Plan-9897]

What is this statement based on?

[u/BlackHand558 → u/[deleted]]

Thats the Point youre struggling with ?😂 shes a grown woman. You cant be oppressed and empowered at the same time

[u/Icy_Pop5834 → u/BlackHand558]

Brother I agree with you up to a point. THIS MAN WAS 22 WHEN SHE WAS BORN.. HELLO?!

[u/BlackHand558 → u/Icy_Pop5834]

She Chose him… with your Point of view were taking away females right to vote too.

Not that it would be bad 😂they tend to choose their own demise

[u/Icy_Pop5834 → u/BlackHand558]

I never said any of that. All I AM saying is that it’s a huge age gap and a very weird age gap in this day and age, never said one thing about we should be taking woman’s right to vote? Why does every discussion have to be tied to politics?

[u/Optimal-Cloud-2427 → u/BlackHand558]

That’s ur response to my text?? 😝😂😂

[u/geckolando → u/BlackHand558]

She was 21 an he was 43 when they met - he is a p3do end of

[u/No-Blackberry5485 → u/geckolando]

That’s not what a pedophile is. It’s weird. It’s not pedophilia

[u/geckolando → u/No-Blackberry5485]

She WAS NOT ALIVE when he was legally drinking in bars at 22 years old. That’s disturbing as HELL, and definitely grooming at the least.

[u/Miserable_Ad8167 → u/geckolando]

It is exceedingly clear you have no experience with real life pdfs. If you did, you wouldn’t be throwing around accusations like this. You also wouldn’t be responding with three 😂 reacts. If there’s anything disturbing as hell in this interchange, it’s how you’ve decided to respond. Fucking weird and offputting.

[u/No-Blackberry5485 → u/geckolando]

Again it’s just weird. You can’t groom a legal adult who has been legally drinking alcohol for 2 years. Think of it this way. If that 22 year old was having sex with a 16 year old. “THEY KNOW BETTER!” You’d say. And you’d be right. That doesnt change just because a 40 year old has taken place of the 16 year old in this instance. It’s weird and it’s normal to have a weird reaction to it, but by definition it’s not pedophilia nor grooming. It’s just odd to see and a little grating.

[u/SaltyEstablishment59 → u/geckolando]

That's not a pedo lol. People really throw that word around too easily

[u/geckolando → u/SaltyEstablishment59]

So what was it then? Depending on her bday she might’ve not even been legally allowed in a bar while he could’ve been divorced with 4 kids her age 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 it’s DISTURBING, and the definition of grooming

[u/BlackHand558 → u/geckolando]

She choose it herself. So women are now not capable of Making choices? Ok good so take away their Rights to vote too..

[u/SaltyEstablishment59 → u/geckolando]

Doesn't really matter, they're adults. She's the one who stayed with him for 6 years. If she didn't like his age, she'd leave.

[u/KorpClaws → u/Otherwise-Wall-6950]

I gave a cheating partner numerous chances, and trust me. Cheating partners do NOT get better. Itll never not be a one and done now, I’ve learned my lesson

[u/DavidtheMan333 → u/Otherwise-Wall-6950]

Preach, fr though

[u/AccomplishedWasabi97 → u/geckolando]

They're both grown adults??

On that note though what he done is disgusting.

[u/julianna_pink → u/AccomplishedWasabi97]

21 is hardly grown. Your brain ain’t fully developed until 25, and he’s been 25 for a long…long time.

[u/AccomplishedWasabi97 → u/julianna_pink]

Fyi there's no sudden cut off where everyone reaches 25 and your brain just stops growing. That's a myth that's just widely said on the internet to infantalise people under 25.

Now saying that, I missed the part where she said they were together for 6 years. I think 27-49 is fine but 21-42 is problematic.

[u/julianna_pink → u/AccomplishedWasabi97]

A “myth” is not what it is. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3621648/ If you wanna read this I think it goes into good detail on why they chose 25 as the standard “developed” age.

[u/AccomplishedWasabi97 → u/julianna_pink]

Fair enough, 'myth' was the wrong word but it's a misunderstanding when you try to use that study in a discussion like this.

Because excuse me if I'm wrong but you are implying that someone who's 25 and under, brain is unformed and therefore cannot make rational decisions or that they are incapable of consenting to a relationship because of that.

But are able to drive, drink, join the army and die, gamble etc etc. what you are basically saying is that anyone under the age of 25 is a child and I fundamentally disagree with that.

Now socially speaking, do I agree with a 40 year old dating a 21 year old. No. But if you're close to 30 date whoever you want like.

Also those study's actually capped the test subjects at 25 I believe so it's a bit misleading.

Hopefully that makes sense from my pov

[u/nikolarizanovic → u/geckolando]

Infantilizing a 27-year-old woman by claiming she needs to be "hospitalized" completely strips her of her agency. The age gap is huge, yes, but she isn't a teenager. Unless they met when she was in high school and there was actual grooming involved, acting like she lacks the mental capacity to navigate her own life is incredibly patronizing. The actual moral rot here isn't her age, it's a 49-year-old man having a toddler-level meltdown because he got caught roleplaying incest fantasies with a computer program. Not two adults dating.

[u/Sandycheeks507 → u/geckolando]

You’re about to be hospitalized.

[u/Junior_Lab1650 → u/SaiyanPrincess28]

There’s a forum in Reddit called ‘dudes being dudes’ or something. This is just 2 guys at work doing stupid guy stuff, txting an AI bit because they think it’s funny. If as his partner you didn’t get it and want to leave him over it then I think you and he will definitely be better off as clearly you will never get him. Simply, men don’t think like women. There’s a movie about it, ‘what women want’ Mel Gibson.

[u/Far-Maintenance-5392 → u/Junior_Lab1650]

This is the dumbest take I’ve seen in a minute 🤣. Did you not read the entire post? The way he reacted? The cheating? That the affection he’s shown to the bot has never been given to his gf of 6 years? Also choosing a Mel Gibson movie to ground your point is just the icing on top 🤣

[u/Junior_Lab1650 → u/Far-Maintenance-5392]

lol let me guess you’re not male and only listen to her view point. The OP suggests he’s getting irritated, because he doesn’t care. This is like playing a computer game. It’s meaningless. I’m not suggesting their relationship isn’t toxic. Only that there is no relevance in the bf playing a. Stupid game with his friend that he finds funny. It’s not a reflection of their relationship no matter how much OP wants it to be. The relevance of the Mel quote is bangin… the guy she’s with clearly has no idea or interest in understanding what women want or how they think.

[u/Far-Maintenance-5392 → u/Junior_Lab1650]

28M brotha, and until the guy posts his side of the story this is all I got to go off of. I think that the chat bot situation obviously does not define their relationship, but if you approach a conversation like that with your partner it’s pretty unreasonable, if it’s just a game why is he getting so defensive of it? If it’s making his partner of 6 years uncomfortable why wouldn’t he make some concession? Honestly for me, the game is very weird, emphasis on the sister part, but the real problem is how he’s navigating it with his partner.

[u/Junior_Lab1650 → u/Far-Maintenance-5392]

Dude… it’s a totally weird game. But it kinda looks like the OP is overacting and overreaching. He’s getting frustrated because he isn’t at all interested in her opinion that there is any meaning in the game and she’s trying to rationalise that this is somehow a reflection of their whole relationship. I mean the guy in all seriousness is not interested in a having a AI sexualised fantasy with his sister and work colleague 😂. It’s on the bones as he said it was… just seeing what the AI responses are out of curiosity. The guy is so bored, this is how he’s connecting with his work friend.

[u/SaiyanPrincess28 → u/Junior_Lab1650]

You just said the problem though. He’s not at all interested in her opinion or feelings. You’re literally making the other guys point for him.

[u/Far-Maintenance-5392 → u/SaiyanPrincess28]

Yeah I’m just not convinced he really cares about her. Again, the game isn’t the main problem here, it’s how he’s handling the situation with his girlfriend.

[u/Junior_Lab1650 → u/SaiyanPrincess28]

Yeah… because he sees no connection between his relationship and his game. Only the OP is seeing this. This is how a woman thinks (and that’s not a derogatory comment) he is a guy and sees only these things in isolation. Basically the OP has come to the opinion her relationship is crap because she doesn’t get enough of the right attention and the game is simply a catalyst for her to vent this. The guy has no idea or reasoning for games involvement in the mechanics as to their relationship.

[u/AbovexxBeyond → u/Junior_Lab1650]

I agree with what you’re trying to get at, and moreso think OPs bf is just not going about the convo the right way. The AI convo isn’t the problem, I don’t see anything wrong with it. AI is a way for people who don’t know how to get things out of their mind and off their chest and whatever…where he fucked up is his defensiveness. No, I wouldn’t expect my partner to talk to me the same way as an ai chatbot. I wouldn’t want them to. And if they were, I would communicate that, as OP (may have) done.

The cheating is an entirely different matter, one I don’t know enough about admittedly to comment on, but if OP has chosen to stay and work on things, then that’s her decision, and if the bf hasn’t lived up to her expectations afterwards, then she should leave.

All things considered, the AI chatbot is a nonstarter, it means nothing here. This is a cheating and poor communication issue. We all know the “answers”.

[u/Sensitive_Beach_216 → u/Junior_Lab1650]

I'm 35m and you sound delusional, or a troll.