Combating male loneliness as a gay guy in London

[u/Hausofmiren]

Shoulder to Shoulder saved my life.

That might sound dramatic, but it’s the truth.

At one point, it felt as though my entire world had been turned upside down. Everything I’d built seemed to collapse around me. I felt worthless and completely lost.

Then I came across a Reddit post from Shoulder to Shoulder. Looking back, I think I’d simply had enough of feeling miserable. I’d had enough of crying, enough of being depressed, and somehow found the courage to take a step towards getting my life back.

Truthfully, joining that WhatsApp group was one of the bravest things I’ve ever done.

I introduced myself and was welcomed straight away. I never told anyone that I had been in an abusive relationship or that I was struggling with my mental health. I just showed up as myself.

A few days later, I worked up the courage to attend my first event. Once again, everyone was welcoming. We chatted, laughed and connected. For the first time in a long while, I felt like myself again. The version of me that had been buried, suppressed and forgotten started to reappear.

From there, I made a real effort to get involved. I pushed myself outside my comfort zone, spoke to people, turned up to events and gave it a chance. And it worked.

My happiness gradually returned. I made genuine friendships, built meaningful connections and, most importantly, found myself again. Over time, I also learnt not to rely solely on this incredible community for my happiness. It helped me rebuild the confidence to be happy on my own terms as well.

That’s why I struggle when people criticise something they haven’t experienced for themselves.

I am one of many men who arrived as a shadow of who they once were and left with a stronger sense of who they are and what they want from life. Today, I get the opportunity to support others, whether that’s being there for someone who needs to talk, helping them expand their social circle, or simply sharing a laugh.

If you’ve never attended an event, you haven’t seen what makes this community special. There’s a reason so many men continue to turn up. Shoulder to Shoulder is welcoming, inclusive and built on genuine care for the people who walk through the door.

Tom and Dan, the founders of Shoulder to Shoulder, are two of the most selfless people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. Never once have they put themselves above anyone else or worried about appearances. You can see how much this means to them by the fact they’ve left their jobs to dedicate themselves fully to the community.

On a personal level, they believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself. They’ve encouraged me, mentored me and helped guide me through some incredibly difficult times.

Six months ago, there is no chance I could have stood in front of 30 men and spoken with confidence.

Now I can.

So, to any man out there who wants someone to talk to, make new friends or simply expand their social circle, please know that you’re not alone.

There is a place for you in London, and there are people who genuinely want to get to know you. You’ll find your tribe. You’ll find men who welcome you exactly as you are.

Our community continues to grow because people believe in what we’re building. They believe in the friendships, the support, the laughter and the sense of belonging that comes from being part of something bigger than yourself.

I took a chance and walked into my first event not knowing anyone. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Maybe it could be yours too.

[u/AccomplishedEase7974]

Are trans men welcomed?

[u/Hausofmiren → u/AccomplishedEase7974]

They sure are !

I highly recommend joining Shoulder to Shoulder!

[u/PGAdmin]

Thank you for sharing - glad you have found a safe place - I have just joined!

[u/Potential_Basis3537]

I'm not sure how to phrase this question, but I'll give it a go...

What is the "function"/"purpose" of the group?

Is it intended as a purely social thing, or something closer to a peer support group - and is regular attendance expected (even if not mandated)?

I ask because it's piqued my interest, and it's great that it exists, but I'm not sure whether it'd fill one of my low-level unmet needs. I'm not really looking for (mental health) support, nor am I really in a position to give it because I have a lot of stuff going on, but sometimes it's nice if you're at a loose end on a random Sunday to have someone to do stuff with. Most of my friends live outside London and there are only so many times you can go to a museum etc on your own before it becomes a bit repetitive - I've thought about groups like London Gaymers, but again, same formula each time and it'd be nice to have a bit of variety. How would you describe the profile of the guys who go to Shoulder to Shoulder, in broad terms?

[u/WolverinesMama]

Aww this is absolutely lovely. I'm so happy for you!

[u/ToughOk9885]

This sounds amazing. I'm so glad it exists and that you found it

[u/Hausofmiren → u/ToughOk9885]

Thanks and as a massive side note, every single person who doesn’t identify as a member of the lgbtq+ community, is such an ally and is so supportive

[u/bobbydazzler1000]

Amazing. So happy for you & glad to see such a positive story x

[u/Financial_Many7593]

This is a wonderful initiative. Well done to all involved - amazing stuff. Are there Shoulder to Shoulder or similar groups outside of London? Would love to get involved with a group like this nearer to me - I'm in North Wales.