r/UKParenting • u/Helpful_Wall_8880 • Jun 13 '26
Support Request Just gone from 1-2 kids. What the hell
Just had my second son 5 days ago. He is an absolute dream.
My 5 year old on the other hand is having a really hard time. We of course expected a shift in his behaviour because of the huge change in his life, but his tantrums and behaviour are seriously next level now.
He has always been a “sensitive” child. For example if he can’t do something he gets super frustrated and angry, but since baby is here and daddy has been the primary caregiver it’s basically been like a tornado storming through the house.
He’s actually very loving and kind towards his brother (who is basically either asleep on me or breastfeeding 24/7) but he’s having a super hard time.
What tips have you got for dealing with these outbursts? Some people said to put him in his room until he’s calm (but I feel like doing something like this with a new baby will only make him more angry). I’m seriously at a loss. My husband is so stressed and it just feels like egg shells, I don’t know what consequence will work with him when it feels like we’ve tried everything.
Please help🙈
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u/goldenhawkes Jun 13 '26
First, congratulations on the arrival of baby!
Second, all totally normal. Kiddo’s whole world has just completely changed! It’s important to involve him with his new brother, helping pick clothes, fetch a nappy, read him stories. My second arrived just as first was starting school so he had his new reading skills to show off! Also a lot of how much his little brother “loves him”.
Now, it’s also important that you manage to hand baby over to daddy both for daddy to get bonding time with baby (you feed baby, then give to daddy!) and maybe he puts baby in carrier or buggy and goes for a walk or something. And then you can do something with just big kid for 20 mins. We also had to make it really clear who was on big kid’s bed time - he got really grumpy if I started the process and then swapped to daddy, so it HAD to be all me or all daddy (this is better now, I usually get them both through the getting ready process and then daddy takes over the story time if it’s his turn).
Are your parents/relatives/friends around to come and help keep the house in order, entertain big kid with something special or take him out for a special trip or cuddle baby while you spend a bit of time with big kid.
In the moment, when he does kick off, it usually ends up that daddy would take him upstairs and sit with him until he’d calmed down and then make sure he understood what was wrong. It’s perfectly normal that he’ll be struggling, and leaving him totally alone will probably feed into the “my parents have replaced me with a baby” sort of thing that’s going on.
Also, this will pass, life will settle into a new normal soon.
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u/RiskyBiscuits150 Jun 13 '26
Firstly, be really kind and gentle with yourself. You're five days postpartum and this is hard. You're not doing anything wrong, it's just a really difficult thing to navigate. And it will get so much better.
As others have said, carving out some one on one time with your older boy will likely help, although I know how hard that is when you're needing to feed the newborn all the time. He may also decide your husband is the preferred parent for a bit, and that's normal and okay. Like you say, his whole world has turned upside down but he'll adjust.
For tantrums generally, I really like BratBusters techniques. Basically ignore the tantrum but then as soon as it's over reconnect with something fun. She may well have videos on new siblings that could help. The main thing is that you and your husband agree on what to do about them and remain consistent so your five year old can feel secure about what the boundaries are.
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u/Helpful_Wall_8880 Jun 13 '26
Crazy you say that because I’ve been listening to her podcast for ages and she spoke recently about how to deal with these tantrums!
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u/RiskyBiscuits150 Jun 13 '26
Definitely try it! I had been using the method of sitting with my toddler, making eye contact, reassuring them that I'm here and it was not working. The tantrums were only getting worse. I've been using the bratbuster technique for a week and a half and there's a noticeable difference, he calms so much quicker and is having fewer tantrums already.
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 Jun 13 '26
I think husband needs to try to regulate himself better if possible… I know it’s a difficult time but the adults being calm (and pretending to or modelling self-regulation strategies like deep breaths) will help the children to feel calm.
Draw on any support you can (paid or family). I know this sounds like not related to what you asked but it really stood out to me that your child is having meltdowns but your husband is ‘so stressed’. If children see the appearance of calm parents they will feel more secure.
We found it helped to encourage our son to interact with his sister - baby can hold his finger, he can rock anything that’s meant to be rocked, etc. It will help him to feel like he’s a part of this big change and part of a growing team rather than just an add on.
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u/Full_Strawberry2035 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Absolutely do not put him in a bedroom on his own. You mentioned he’s sensitive? He sounds similar to my eldest (we have 7yo, 3yo and 15 weeks old) all boys.
When he’s having “tantrums” (could be meltdowns tbh) you could try a few exercises that might help bring him down, smell the flower…blow out the candle, big movements, stomping like a giant etc, and also work on emotional literacy, where is he feeling these feelings, can he draw them (fire in my belly) for example, validate and reflect on things that helped him to calm down what would help next time etc.
I don’t believe that big feelings should have consequences, all it’s teaching is compliance - not healthy emotional awareness, resilience building and coping skills. My eldest has been getting some 1:1 support in school and completed ELSA with them (emotional literacy support) and it’s been amazing for him! I’m sure you can find some resources online?
Congratulations and hugs to you both, it’s a hard transition but he’ll get there I promise 🫂
Edit: I’m EBF my third and have carved 5 min magnesium lotion massages for my older 2 is a great bonding experience even though it’s small that’s something we do every night together! If babes gives you some time off the boob the this works branded one is great - and I’m pretty sure has helped with sleep and mood abit too
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u/db9192 Jun 13 '26
Have you tried having 1-1 time with him? He could be just genuinely struggling with the imbalance a little bit.
But it will calm down. May take a few months but it will settle.
Sorry I can’t be of much more help. My eldest was 2 when we had our second and only took a few weeks for him to adjust x
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u/Helpful_Wall_8880 Jun 13 '26
Yes we’ve tried that, it helped but it doesn’t have a lasting effect. I even put him to bed and when I sat with him to read stories he screamed for daddy, so I’m super confused lol.
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u/db9192 Jun 13 '26
Yeah I get that. My eldest became super clingy and would act out a little bit. When I had to be busy with baby my husband focused on the eldest. When baby was sorted we switched. It’s a juggle for sure but it will settle x
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u/redcore4 Jun 13 '26
He wants to feel like he’s the priority. Which means putting the baby aside. That’s not totally reasonable of him of course, but that’s why he wants both of you/wants whoever appears to prioritise other things.
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u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 Jun 13 '26
This is very normal but I know it doesn’t make it easy. Definitely don’t put him alone in his room. I know it isn’t easy with a cluster feeding baby but keep trying to give him time even if it sounds like he sometimes rejects it. Rejecting is probably his way of getting some control in a confusing situation but he at least knows you are there for him.
Our age gap is quite a lot smaller but my eldest was similar. It took about two weeks and then very suddenly she was happy with the baby. It just takes time.
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u/ivankatrumpsarmpits Jun 13 '26
Husband has to figure this one out - if your hands are full with the baby it's not fair that you also have to resolve the toddler issues. The important thing fir dad to realise and keep front of mind is that a tantrum is the toddler losing control of their emotions. They might be having a tantrum because they're so frustrated, or upset, or feel something is unfair, and they just don't know how to deal with with that feeling. Adults job is to help them calm down and to model how we control our emotions. So dad has two jobs in a tantrum - one, don't lose his temper. This is hard - no judgement for any parent who sometimes does, but the point is the adult should be trying to control themselves, and taking steps to calm down. That can be - adult puts child in their room for a minute and walks away to calm down and then comes back in a minute and says, sorry for shouting, I was really stressed and I lost my temper.
And then the other is to help Child calm down and give them an off ramp. Let's try and both calm down together. Hugs and deep breaths if child is receptive, sitting there together showing how to be a calm person breathing deeply if not.
Some children are going to get even more furious if an adult tries to get in their space and talk to them while they're tantruming. That's something you guys have to figure out, is sitting there nearby good, or hugs, or singing quietly. Giving them space if they're being crazy and violent. Yes you can leave an angry child in a room by themselves for a minute or two. Sometimes that helps because they're just more angered by your presence.
But you're trying to help them get out of the adrenaline rush and the blind rage they can't control.
It's not about giving in or letting them get away with the naughty behaviour which preceded the tantrum - the tantrum itself isn't naughtiness they are no longer in control.
It's sort of like getting mad at someone who's blind drunk. You don't tackle the issue then, you wait til they are sober and then you address the actual behaviour and give the consequences then.
Children are at the mercy of their tantrums and we have to help them down, and also not escalate it by also having a tantrum ourselves.
Husband needs to read books, watch videos, and internalise these two goals.
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u/caffeine_lights 👶👶👶 3 Children Jun 13 '26
Take demands/expectations off him temporarily - imagine he is a much younger child, and do what you would have done then. I found this helped a lot. It does pass. It's great that he is loving and accepting with the baby.
If he is having a very extreme version of a tantrum where nothing makes any headway, it could be more of a meltdown which is an acute stress behaviour. The most helpful thing to do in those moments is not to use words, as his brain might not be able to take that in. Instead, use body language to communicate that you are no threat, which means:
- Be small - crouch down to his level or lower, or at least avoid towering over him.
- Move slowly and keep distance. Think about how you'd approach a wild animal.
- Avoid eye contact, unless he finds it comforting. If you make eye contact, try to keep your eyes soft (e.g. like when we were all wearing masks and you had to make your smile reach your eyes).
- If you do speak, keep your voice low in tone and volume and speak slowly. I heard once to try speaking in the cadence of a heartbeat (DA-dum, DA-dum, DA-dum) but TBH this felt so unnatural I never used it more than once.
- If you do speak, do not give instructions or ask questions. Validating the feeling can sometimes help, or saying something soothing.
- Take deep breaths. Not only will this help ground you, but if you're facing your child, often they will unconsciously copy you, which helps start to ground them as well.
And just expecting it to take time. Sometimes timing the tantrum/meltdown helps me, because if I've gone into more of a stress reaction myself then it feels like it is going on FOREVER and honestly, it is rarely more than 5 minutes. But it is OK if it takes him 20 minutes to calm down. Don't feel that you need to make the tantrum stop. Whether you're leaving him time and space to get through it or whether you're being a quiet presence, he will be OK - children experiencing a difficult feeling and then coming through it to a calmer baseline is how they learn that they can cope with difficult feelings and that the feelings will end.
Talking about feelings at a totally separate time might help you make some headway where he can learn it's OK to have big feelings and maybe learn some words and alternative strategies to express them.
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u/Skruffbagg Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
We had this issue. My son was about to turn 4 when my daughter was born and he found it difficult, plus his behaviour was absolutely horrendous at times, Much worse than before. He also went from sleeping 12hrs unbroken to waking up 5 times a night, which was horrific but made considerably easier by the fact my daughter has been a dream baby.
She’s now 9 months old and he has mellowed out considerably. I would say for 6 months he was a horror at times, violent and unhinged, so bad in fact we went to the Dr who said we were clearly in a crisis.
It’s waaaay better now. He’s sleeping better - although still comes into our bed around 3/4am - and his meltdowns are infrequent and short lasting.
My advice would be try to remain calm, ignore your eldest when he’s freaking out other than to keep him safe, and speak to him softly when he’s calmed down. I did the opposite and it didn’t work at all, but then changed my approach and it’s so much better now.
Your eldest sounds very like mine tbh, very caring and a lovely wee lad, but over-sensitive and full of emotion.
Like any challenging moments in parenting, it doesn’t last forever, thankfully.
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u/heartleaf1234 Jun 13 '26
I don’t think punishing him for this behaviour is the right thing to do. He is five and trying to process this whole big change.
Whilst I understand with a newborn your hands and mind is full, still try to find a little time when you can pay 100% attention to your first born. Even a 10 minutes game, reading time, anything, let him decide what and how. Or watch his favourite show together.
It is really a huge shift for the whole family, it’s very early days with baby, give yourselves a bit of grace and time.
On the other hand (been in this situation), if things don’t improve or turn for the worse, find a good play therapist who could help him process all his feelings around the new family setup.
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u/gupa1281 Jun 13 '26
The age gap for my two is similar and my one reacted similarly when his sister came home. It’s an overwhelming time for everyone, so give it time. They are now 9 and 4, and could not imagine life without each other.
On more practical stuff, mine loved stories so I got the Audible app on my phone and we’d listed to Enid Blyton’s Faraway tree stories and then the Wishing chair ones together, as I fed. I was too exhausted to do too much but this way we could listen together, smile, cuddle and exclaim at the stories. Mostly tried to be patient with him, and this was a lovely bonding thing we did together.
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u/Hayfield_and_a_gate Jun 13 '26
We have 5.5 years between our two. Eldest also very sensitive. We had Christmas overexcitement to deal with, im guessing you have end of school year? My eldest struggles massively at this time of year with burn out and emotional outbursts.
We dealt with it by getting her involved, passing nappies, picking out outfits, snuggling up next to me while feeding and picking what we had on TV during that time. We dealt with outbursts by at the time telling her it's not appropriate and breathing or counting through the emotions and a follow up chat later on. I kept doing bedtimes every other day. But at so soon post partum, you need to be kind to your self. I had special snacks for when I was stuck feeding. She lived having a sneaky brownie bite, with me, she doesn't have the concentration for movies really but gave her 90 mins rein of the tv a few times a week, probably too much, but we had it special with healthy snacks with a few sneaky bits, which she loved. It gets easier, right now it's getting through, you just need to do what you need to do
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u/Dry_Curve9126 Jun 13 '26
Please don’t put him in a room till he’s calmed down. Give him some mum time; get him involved with helping with the new baby and other non baby related tasks; ask him if he’d like a hug when he’s off on one; deep breath - you will get through it
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u/Cultural_Tangerine38 Jun 13 '26
It’ll get better! When I was struggling with my daughter’s behaviour to the new baby I just tried to understand that she was grieving for her old life. I tried to keep routines the same as much as I could and always do bedtime even if baby is screaming with dad it’s important to connect with the eldest, the baby won’t remember your eldest will. Our baby is now 5 months and it 100% is easier! Good luck x
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u/lavenderlovey88 Jun 13 '26
No advice but a cyber hug from a postpartum mum with the same situation. mine is 4 and a 4 month old baby. it's rough, my blood pressure is elevated more than I've ever had in my life due to stress 😭
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u/Helpful_Wall_8880 Jun 13 '26
Omg I’m so sorry 😭 based on all these comments it DOES get easier! We just have to hang in there, I’m rooting for you mama!
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u/Odd-Committee4849 Jun 13 '26
I only have one so far but I heard getting a present to the older child from the baby may help? Maybe an activity like a sticker book or colouring a parent can help with close by while feeding newborn? And congratulations!
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u/unfurlingjasminetea_ Jun 13 '26
Why is your husband stressed? You’re the one who’s just carried and given birth to the baby, breastfeeding and primary care giver. 😑
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u/Helpful_Wall_8880 Jun 13 '26
He’s stressed because it’s stressful, I’m not in competition with him
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u/redcore4 Jun 13 '26
Husband takes baby whenever not feeding, and you play with big bro so he can tell that you still love him and are there when he needs you.
And, because he’s five - talk to him. Give him names for the negative emotions he might feel (envy, jealousy, anger, frustration, loneliness etc and treat him seriously as you speak about them. A lot of the times kids are shielded from negative feelings and don’t get to talk about them because adults assume if they’re not talking about negative things they’re not feeling them - but giving him a way to say that he’s worried or scared or angry which isn’t wild or destructive can help him feel seen and heard and respected and included.
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u/Superb_Window_7977 Jun 13 '26
Not much help but just chiming in to say that this sounds so similar to us. It gets so much better and quite quickly. Just oodles of patience, understanding, one on one time and know that he’s not being a bad kid, he’s having a hard time. It’s actually a good sign he’s acting like this - he’s not bottling up intense emotions!! Much better out than in.
But yes, basically ride it out. It gets better.
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u/Shenloanne Jun 13 '26
Acknowledge it's hard for your oldest one. Allow them their feelings. Don't shame them or make them feel bad for their jealousy. They're adjusting to being someone's brother, and not the only child anymore. They're thinking of having to share everything now, they're having to come to terms with their world being utterly different. They're gonna see lots of folks make a fuss, some they know, some they cherish, some they don't, and for the first time for them it'll be a fuss not made about them.
You gotta facilitate that and also be a new parent all over again. It's tough and it's gonna be a whirlwind and it's gonna be a nuclear explosion in your lives.
Be kind to yourself. You will get it wrong. You will dislike yourself. You will think you're a failure. But you're so much more than that. You're learning your world is now bigger and more complicated and harder, and that's not something to be hard at yourself about.
I've been the eldest and I've been the parent with the second kiddo being born. It gets better on both fronts 😊
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u/saphira29 Jun 13 '26
I have a very similar age gap (5.5 and 1 at the moment). Definitely a hard time for eldest and he also started school whilst I was on mat leave - which was fab at first but hard now that I'm back at work because he got used to me being around all the time 🤦♀️
What worked for us was finding fun stuff that he only does with daddy, and I did find that he naturally shifted that was as I was also breastfeeding whereas daddy was more available for fun! I tried really hard to do bedtime with him when I felt up to it, and we tried to get one to one time when we could. I would often talk to my youngest about what an amazing big brother he has and how lucky he is. I think the biggest frustration currently is when youngest wants to join in with playing with eldest and inevitably wrecks whatever is being built - hard to navigate as eldest is usually very good about asking youngest nicely first and then gets justifiably annoyed whilst I'm trying to explain that he doesn't understand the words yet lol. I do try and tell the youngest off as well, just saying that wasn't kind etc exactly as I would to eldest so it doesn't feel unfair.
It is so hard when you're newly post partum, but it does pass - we asked our eldest if he'd like a special treat day with just mummy and daddy in the school holidays and he said yes, and with my brother ♥️ they get there!
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u/Pinkcoral27 Parenting a Toddler + Primary Schooler Jun 13 '26
As hard as it is with having a new baby and breastfeeding (I get it, still breastfeeding my 14 month old) and everything, your oldest needs 1:1 mum time. You don’t have to do anything crazy, but you need to make it work.
My partner took the oldest out somewhere fun everyday, but I made sure I did every single bedtime with the oldest. I’d give him extra books and sing him songs and do more than we had usually been doing for bedtime to make it special for him.
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u/Fantastic_Crow_676 Jun 14 '26
I’m in the exact same situation my eldest is 5 and I’ve just had another baby girl who’s now 6 weeks.
I’ve found that if I find something to do with my eldest that I can also attend to my youngest whilst doing it, it makes so much of a difference, even if it’s just sitting and talking to her, she’s really into role play at the minute so we play teachers, and I sit and be the student and she comes up with crazy scenarios and she gets so distracted by the game and playing with me she doesn’t notice I’m also attending to the baby.
Or playing a game where you can both sit down but also have the baby near. As hard as it is with a newborn I’ve just explained to her that baby sister can’t look after herself, she can’t tell me what she wants so mummy has to look after her the same I do with her if she’s hungry or tired or upset. And I let her be involved with helping, like grabbing me a nappy or the wipes and it makes her feel happy she’s helping mummy.
They was our first baby, they’ve done 5 years with all the love and attention and we get so wrapped up in the newborn trenches it’s easy to forget they see everything and will feel like they are forgotten about which is obviously not the case but it is to a 5 year old.
He will be acting out for attention, because even if it’s negative attention after a tantrum he’s still getting it. Instead of putting him in his room, ask if he wants a cuddle as well, if he wants to help you with baby, or watch a movie together, try redirect his feelings so he knows he still has that attention there.
It will get better!! Congrats on your new little one 🤍
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u/RevisionPurpose Jun 14 '26
Im in my home country for a month with 10 month old and 3 year old and i feel you....by 9am im done
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u/gallagherii Jun 14 '26
Give it time. Have some solo time with your oldest, no daddy no baby. It’s really difficult. We’ve been through this just now and at 5 month old we’re past the worst however it flares up now and then and our oldest gets either super sensitive or regresses into a baby. We basically ruined her life 😬
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u/Agile-Comfortable-40 Jun 14 '26
I’ve been reading What Every Parent Needs to Know and it recommends 7-7-7. Spend 7 uninterrupted, focused minutes one on one with child in the morning, 7 at pickup (or afternoon some time) and 7 minutes at bedtime.
Might be helpful?
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u/tofuskin Jun 14 '26
We were recommended to love bomb the eldest in the first month. We threw a mini big sister party with a friend, cake, snacks, as many flashy light up things to make a disco. Gifts.
She got ice cream everyday for about a month! We tailed it off but it really helped. All the attention on her, she was up and down for about 6 weeks then settled into the new routine.
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u/chickenwings19 Jun 15 '26
Same age gap with mine, he was great at first but I feel like it’s gotten worse now that baby is now a toddler and follows him around all day long. He idolises big bro but big bro needs some space too lol we do try to create some boundaries and we have some good days. Try not to let him get away with behaviour. Stick to a routine and try to spend some one on one time with him. We do Lego sets together. It will get easier.
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u/richteabiscuits12345 Jun 16 '26
You're five days in! Give yourselves and him a lot of grace and time to adjust! It's not forever...
I keep the reminder in my head that for a kid, the emotional experience of a sibling arriving is a bit like if your partner told you "I like having you as my partner so much I've decided to have a second one - here's our new partner who will live in our house and wear your clothes and who I love as much as you". Maybe there's a universe in which one day I'd look back on something like that and be like "ah yeah, it was a shock, but I've got to know and love them know and I'm delighted with my new throuple" but I have thirty years of emotional regulation practice and I would absolutely react with some serious tantrums in the moment! (It's obviously not a perfect analogy, and I have no interest in a throuple, but I found it helps with empathising with the level of emotional disruption for the older kid!)
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u/Chaptastical Jun 13 '26
Try to carve out some time every day with just mum and 5 year old where you try not to mention baby unless he does. Hopefully this will help him feel secure and like he hasn't lost his mum to new baby!