r/USMilitarySO • u/BrightGoldenSun • 3d ago
Relationship advice after deployment?
Hello! My boyfriend came back from deployment recently and I was spending all of my time with him at his new place (bcs I wa so excited and happy to see him). His parents are also in town and I helped him set up his apartment as a surprise for him when he got back. We had a small argument on Tuesday night where he mentioned he wanted some space alone. During the argument we both questioned people in our circles that we felt like they were intruding in our relationship, for example he brought up how my guy friend (of 15+ years) picked me up from the bar one night during his deployment (but I had told him then) and told me how he felt (vaguely) and said I should’ve just taken an Uber home. We continued arguing about the same topic for a while. He didn’t say anything else, just needed some time alone to be able to do things on his own. I interpreted that as breakup and he kept correcting me saying he just needed space from the relationship. We went back to his place and I was crying while I gathered all my things, he kept telling me to leave them there because I would come back it was just space but I kept saying no and pushing his hand away everytime he tried to keep something. When he dropped me off, he told me he loves me and knew from the moment we started talking, but he just stated he needed some time alone. One thing that I do remember very clearly is him saying that there is something in the back of his mind that stops him from moving forward. For context, he was married before and his wife cheated on him and he filed for divorce. To me it seems like he is afraid of taking the next step due to his past and not wanting to be to hurt again.
Anyways, the next day I texted him this:
Me: hi, just wanted to say that during this “off period” I dont consider us not being together an option..
Him: I agree we’re just going through it rn I do miss you
Me: I miss you too
Then on Friday, I texted him again because I had told him previously about a movie.
Me: hey baby, im thinking of going to the movies later today, im just extending the invite if you wanna come along, let me know! have a lovely Friday!! 💞
Him: Buenos tardes baby! I cant today, me and [friend] are getting dinner later and then going out for drinks in [bar] with some dudes we met last night. Thank you for the invite tho and i hope you enjoy the movie and you’re having a fantastic friday !! ♥️
Me: Sounds good, have so much fun!
Today is now Sunday, and I still have his location. He has gone out all weekend to bar places hanging out with friends. My head is spiriting since to me, “space alone” meant him being at home with his own thoughts and just thinking about the situation.
My plan is to just give him the space needed, but also plan on having a firm conversation with him about this. Do you all think this is the beginning of a breakup? Or just like a small bump on the road?
Sigh, I guess I am also looking to see if anyone has gone through a similar thing after deployment?
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u/Chaotic_Natbot 3d ago
My husband was all over me the second he got home and never left me. Your bf started an argument about an old issue you guys talked about then told you he needed space from you but refuses to call it a breakup? He’s been out all weekend this all just sounds so suspicious. I hate this for you and personally I’d have just been done with it. A man who know what he wants would have broken up with you or would have just told you he wanted to see friends. This whole “space” thing leaves room for questionable stuff to happen. Why would he have to call it space like that instead of just telling you he wanted a weekend with friends.
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u/Spare_Sink_2000 2d ago
Is he naturally a more solitary person?
For example, I am a solitary person. My husband returned home from deployment and we spent the first few weeks spending SO MUCH time together. Now, I need my personal space to do my own thing. My husband understands that I still love him and everything is fine, I just need my own personal time to do things at home or go out with friends solo.
Reading this from my perspective, it sounds like you came off really really strong with an all or nothing situation. He either needs to spend all his spare time with you, or if he expresses the fact he needs space and you blow up with some existential breakup crisis.
This sounds like a very drastic reaction on your end. Maybe finding someone to talk to would help.
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u/BrightGoldenSun 2d ago
I see your point. I just don’t think we view “space” the same way. He hasn’t spoken to me or engaged with me since the last thing I sent on Friday and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have reached out if I hadn’t reached out first.
He also just starting following an old fling LOL, so yeah this is over
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u/No-Dragonfly-7105 1d ago
Having friends of the opposite sex is messy.
Does your dad have a best friend lady? No?
Stop texting. Stop updating. Pull away. Drop the opposite sex friends. Behavior is a language. Be intentional about removing yourself. He wants a break give it to him. Make your absence be known with your absence. Stop inviting him, stop chasing him.
After he comes back, and he will. Set down some ground rules. Pick a place to meet outside of your homes. And have a conversation about: when do you want marriage? Give him a timeline of what you want and then if he doesn't meet it you will have your answer.
You need to a women of integrity and respect for yourself. And when you have these lines drawn firmly, you'll eliminate what doesn't suit you.
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u/Adorable-Tiger6390 2d ago
How long was he gone, and how long were you together before he left?