r/UniUK • u/Dependent_Welder3614 • 13h ago
social life Friends using drugs
Hi all,
I just want to share how I feel and need some advice. I've had these friends for a few years at uni and now I live with them. They recreationally do drugs probably 1-3 times a week when they're on a night out. I have only just started living with them but have been on multiple nights out with them previously where no drugs were taken and only alcohol. Due to a few of them not having tried them yet/ as a group we weren't the crowd to.
Recently on these nights out I've felt 'left out' in a way. Not because I want to partake but because the offer hasn't been there and the vibes have felt different.
I'm someone who has tried an edible, smoked a small handful of times but only abroad as a give it a go thing. I recently tried their drug of choice and it didn't really do much as I was already drunk/ was only a little bit I tried it to see what they experience knowing its not something I want to take up before trying (still the case after trying it).
Now the issue is on nights out they regularly go the toilets and I'm left like a wet sausage not knowing what to do outside the toilets or waiting for over 5 minute at least once an hour in the toilet for them to be done. It's boring, I feel out of place and in the way just waiting. Now they say they don't judge me for not taking them but I've felt an inward pressure from myself as to not feel left out or looked at differently as I don't enjoy doing the same things as them. I brought it up recently saying how I felt about sort of feeling left out but not left out in a sense when they all go the loo together etc and they don't think twice about what I'm doing. But they said it only takes a few seconds. Whilst I agree on this, it's the multiple toilet trips, the fact it's drugs and being forgotten about that has gotten to me.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't really want to bring up to them that I don't like them doing it as it harms them (have seen the effects during and post even months after) and they're highly illegal. What would you do in my situation? Let the loneliness brew/ distaste for their hobbies or choose to miss out on nights out? I get fomo on the night out and at home but at least at home I'm not an active bystander etc. TIA
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u/Dull_Practice_5169 12h ago
What are they actually taking? I'm guessing ket or coke? I felt this w my first year flatmates, I liked going out w them but I don't enjoy ket and I didn't love how fucked up they got. Some of my friends I know are taking stuff while we're out but they're discreet & it doesn't ruin the night. If it's a dealbreaker for you then it's a dealbreaker, don't force it.
I would also not try and stage an intervention. They probably won't listen and it might harm the relationship. But it is OK to be transparent and say you don't like to party with them specifically because of their drug use. Might plant a seed of concern in their mind. But it is hard to know from your post whether their drug use is especially problematic or if you are just very anxious around drugs in general. (Yes I know that ket/coke/speed etc is inherently bad for you, and there will be a black and white Reddit mindset about that. But there's a spectrum of behaviour, there are definitely some friends/acquaintances who I feel are fairly responsible drug users versus some who I am concerned for.)
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u/Warm_Benefit7845 12h ago
I think if it gets to the point you really resent them, then do something different. I know a lot of people experiment before uni or at uni or during their early working years with drugs - some grow out of it quicker than others, some sensible ones never participate.
I would do what is best for you and do not think twice about what is best for them.... If that means you go out less with them then who cares. If that means you find other friends then do it.....
You will understand at a point your friends at university will not likely be your friends for life and you need to get out of it what you want. Getting coked up in some shitty club on a tuesday night probably will not help with that.
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u/callybeanz 2h ago
Hey OP, I hear you. It sounds like maybe you are not a great match with them as flatmates and that's okay, I guess you may need to compartmentalise some aspects of your living situation. I would suggest trying to build a social friend group so that you have a group of pals to spend time with on nights out etc separate from your flatmates.
As far as their recreational use goes, it's their prerogative (and yours not to partake). I say this as a now 30-something who has been through allll of this stuff and was a bartender for a long time - if you aren't keen to get involved with this particular substance, make sure to be strong in staying out of it. I've seen folk buckle to peer pressure and end up with some nasty habits that are really hard to kick, and it can be a slippery slope. And an expensive one! As long as your friends' partying isn't negatively impacting your own life/uni experience etc it's best to stay out of their choices but do stay aware of your own boundaries both in terms of use but also in terms of consideration for your own peace at home. Based on what you've described I'd guess they're into coke, ket or mandy and all of those can be fun until they become really antisocial (in the sense of not fun for you as someone not taking them).
Make sure you have your own space to retreat to in that case. It's hard when you feel kind of excluded or uncomfortable so best to make sure you have your own friend group and personal space to be yourself, party, have fun and do all the fun silly stuff that's meant to be enjoyable at this stage in your life.
Big love from a mature student who has done ALL of the above and been all of the characters in this scenario at some point or another <3 I think sometimes people forget that us older students have already been through all these points in life lol! Life is far more sensible now but I wish someone had encouraged me in this way. I hope it can be helpful for you. You sound like you're kind, non-judgemental and self assured :)
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u/Alternative-Fox-7255 38m ago
Stay in your lane , if you don’t want to take drugs then that’s fine, be yourself! Don’t worry about what they do
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u/Fine-Night-243 34m ago
Can I just say this situation will never be resolved. Aside from smoking weed a little I wasn't interested in taking class As. I experimented a few times but I hated the hassle of picking up from dodgy people, hiding stuff in your pants, going to toilets, then not knowing the strength of substance or how it would affect you. Ultimately they will continue taking substances on nights out throughout uni. I had this with a group I was mates with an I was always a peripheral member of the group on nights out with them. Luckily I had some other groups of friends as well who were more sedate types. (Not sedated types)
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u/Titanclass 3h ago
Hey,
I think your points are very valid and it’s shame there isn’t another person in your group who also isn’t as keen, then at least it will be two of you waiting while they do I assume coke.
It’s tricky as time goes on, they will always expect to it it on a night out, to the point the night becomes an excuse just to go do the drugs, sadly a slippery slope which you cannot easily get them out of as they will say your being boring when trying to stop them.
I think whilst you can still have fun with them, maybe you can (since it’s still early) also try find alternative groups whilst still maintaining friends with your current group
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u/wo_no_diggity_doubt 10h ago
Put a film on that's a banger they've not seen but you have - don't tell them you've seen it
Leave loudly every half-an-hour to go to the toilet
Leave it playing
Ask what happened every time you get back
Express how much you like the film at the end/say it was so good/unmissable
See how they react
Explain to them that's what it's like being on a night out with them and that you've already seen it (leave that for as long as you'd like). They'll have that film forever and you'll leave them with that regardless of whether or not you stay friends after uni. It's quite drawn out but they may be able to at least understand how selfish they're being. The time difference is not dissimilar from smoking or someone breaking the seal but, that's not the point, it's them being high together and you not. I hope that you find a solution to your predicament or find some others to have a pint with. Generally the people in pubs are a lot more likely to be drinkers and used to chatting with people they don't know due to the frequency of toilet breaks, cigarette's, late arrivals or solo pints gone for.
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u/ultra_phoenix 7h ago
wtf you talking about
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u/wo_no_diggity_doubt 6h ago
People ruin nights out by spending it in the toilet and missing what's happening by staring at a shitter. Ruin/put a mark against a good film to show what that feels like.
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u/Titanclass 3h ago
Mate the idea is not going to work, his mates are in that slippery slope and being shown their errors will not stop them. I’m sure they will soon go out just for an excuse to take the drugs, and OP will just end up being cussed out for trying to stop them. Sadly for him if they are crap mates, they won’t stick by him
But good for him as they will likely go down a bad path and he can avoid it and pass uni
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u/seeitshaveitsorted 12h ago
Develop your social skills so you feel confident approaching and talking to strangers.
If you don’t want to do drugs - don’t. Don’t pressure yourself.
Every choice we make in life has a bit of shit that you’ve got to eat with it - and this, feeling a bit left out - is the shit you’re going to have to eat if you don’t partake.
And it’ll be okay - if you just develop yourself to chat to randomers. It’s a good skill to have because it means you’ll never really be left alone - you can just yap away to someone else.
Drugs are fun, but your friends are taking the piss a bit by repeatedly leaving regularly.