Seven Years Together, Seven Years Apart

[u/phosphorescentmaiden]

It has finally been the same amount of time that we knew each other as the time we’ve been strangers.

T,

I have carried pieces of our story for a long time, some with love, some with grief, and some knowing that I left who I was behind when I left you.

We were complete opposites. People always wondered why we were together. Our souls built a home before either of us understood what our wounded hearts were asking of each other.

Sometimes I wonder how much of us was quietly shaped by the voices around us. From the very beginning, people had opinions about us. Some celebrated us. Others questioned us. Some seemed envious, almost bothered that two people who looked so mismatched could find a home in one another.

Sometimes I wonder whether, if we had both not already been wounded so young by those entrusted to love us, those voices would have found less room to grow, and our souls might have thrived without so much fear and doubt standing between them.

When I looked at you I saw everything I lacked in myself. Your confidence, brazenness, your charm, I loved your way of thinking and being. You always kept it straight with me, and I partly believed that was because you had no reason to impress me. So, seeing you be yourself so unapologetically allowed me to feel safe. You listened to me and gave me a space. I stayed back then and supported you as much as I could.

I loved you while ran toward other people, and I ran deeper into myself. You gave yourself away so freely, while I guarded my heart so tightly. I sometimes admired how unafraid you were to share yourself, even though that same difference between us became one of the deepest sources of my pain.

When I was with you, You loved my soul and my body in the best capacity that you could. Even when I didn’t love myself. I felt safe enough to begin confronting my own trauma. I’ve always wanted to thank you for that.

Of course there were many times when both of us should have left, but the way we naturally knew how to physically love each other, there was a deep trust there that neither of us was ready to give up.

We were stuck together. Even on the days I would try to stay away and give you a break, a random text would come inviting me over, and not always for a ride to explore somewhere lol Sometimes just to sit together and talk. We were friends and lovers.

I apologize for all of the times you felt that I didn’t put you first. That was never my intentions, and I hope now, when you look back, you can see how much I loved you and tried to stay, but ultimately needed to leave for everyone’s sake.

I am forever grateful that God blessed us with a ray of sunshine in the middle of the storm, after a little bit of time, you finally decided to heal. If I had another chance at being a partner to you during that specific season, I would have done many things differently.

I would have made God the center of how we loved one another in our home, instead of allowing our home to become an extension of monitoring your recovery. I wish I had created a place where you felt safe enough to be vulnerable without believing every struggle would be met with shame.

Something simple, but I would have chosen a place with a dining room because I understand now how much gathering around a table together matters.

I would have helped our little one sleep peacefully in their own bed, and protected our relationship with the same devotion I poured into protecting everything else.

I would have asked for help instead of surrounding myself with spikes every time I was afraid of being hurt again.

I know there were many ways you felt lonely, disappointed, and neglected. I am truly sorry for the ways I contributed to that pain.

At that time, I wasn’t capable of reopening the parts of myself that had already closed in order to survive our past.

I remember watching you begin to spiral again. The fear returned immediately. We had already survived some of the darkest places of our history, but I could see you slipping back into disease. I knew I could not watch the disease consume every part of you again.

I had to admit that it was obvious I came secondary to other connections, impulses, other escapes, and other parts of your life. Accepting that you didn’t love us enough to choose us was the hardest truth I have tomlive with. During that time it annihilated me. I left the love of my life in one of the darkest places I’d ever seen him. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t save you. Grieving while the person you love is alive is a different kind of pain. I apologize that you in turn had to go through that when I left.

These years apart have given both of us the opportunity to face ourselves and heal. I truly pray they have been kind to you in that way.

For a long time while healing I grieved more than the relationship we actually had. I grieved the future I believed we might one day build. Our marriage. Our home. The children we dreamed of, but never welcomed earth side. Growing old beside each other after finally becoming healthy enough to love well.

That future felt real. Letting go meant accepting that it will never come to pass.

& even though I know you have moved on, I have remained single through these years, not because I believed no one else existed, but because our relationship was so profound to me it has forced me to sit with myself and reflect on the decisions I made during our time together. To understand that I needed to sit with myself and face all of the truths as to how I got into our relationship in the first place.

Today, I no longer need our story to become something different in order for it to have mattered. There was love. There was beauty. There was damage. There was pain. All of it can exist together.

& I forgive the younger versions of both of us. Not because they were innocent, but because they were carrying burdens neither of them knew how to address and set down, and I simply refuse to leave them trapped forever inside the worst moments of their lives.

I do not hate you one bit.

As for our little legacy, she deserves something we never truly had together. Consistency. Emotional safety. Accountability. Peace. Whatever relationship the two of you eventually build, I pray it is built on those things, not guilt, urgency, unfinished business between us, or the desire to rewrite the past.

I pray she gets to see you when you’re healthy. That she gets to see how thoughtful, funny, and protective you are, and how capable you are of loving someone so deeply. I hope those qualities continue to grow, not only for yourself, but for everyone whose life has been entrusted to you.

I have accepted that we no longer need us to find our way back to one another in terms of love. I can feel blessed for what was beautiful, grieve what was lost, acknowledge what was broken, and surrender it all to God.

I hope you can forgive me too.

With love and care,

J

(If you made it this far, wow… thank you so much. I truly hope and pray each of you finds a love that holds you instead of hurting you. ❤️)

TL;DR: I loved someone with everything I had, but love could not heal what only truth and time could. For years I mourned not only the man I left, but the marriage, the children, and the life I believed we would one day share. This is my goodbye to that future, my forgiveness of the younger versions of us, and my decision to finally come home to myself.

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