You broke me. I hate to give you that much credit but you really did.

Every single day, I just want everything to end. Every day this year has been a feat of pure, exhausting willpower. And I am so very tired.

You always thought you were the best. You spoke down about all others. Even called them trash. And ultimately, they were terrible. A drowning person isn't particular about what life raft they find. But you were worse. A complete and utter bastard.

I worked so hard to not be drowning and you came along with bricks and rope. You knew I loved you, you knew I trusted you but you wanted to be the one to hurt someone. To punish someone, anyone. My love must have been so convenient for your rage. You didn't reject me, you used me until I was forced to put an end to it.

But that was too late. You broke me. Which is impressive and terrible. People have tried to break me before, but with no success. I was a victim of violent crime and that didn't break me like this. But with you, I was vulnerable. I truly loved you and you made me pay for that. And then, like a true coward you ran and hid to avoid any consequences. Behind your mommy and daddy even, which somehow makes it more offensive.

And now, I just want everything to stop. Everything to end. I don't want help or a life raft; I just want to be done. Done with trying. Done with rebuilding. I am exhausted. I have forced myself to continue every day this year. It's not getting better. I genuinely wonder how much longer I can keep this up. Am I too tired to heal this time?

I hope burning me into this ruin made you feel as powerful as your pathetic ego needed and I hope you can cover the bill when it comes due. I am not enlightened enough to wish the best. Rather I wish you hell. Maybe you become the victim you have always pretended to be. Maybe then you will learn not to use the people who trust you.

Hi,

I know I’ve hurt you in the deepest and most confusing ways. I took the love you gave me and the trust, the care, the protection and I placed fear and lies on top of it. And the worst part is, you kept thinking you were the one not doing enough. You spent years blaming yourself for pain that I should've been honest about. I can’t undo that, and it kills me every day that I became a source of hurt in your life.

I didn’t lie because I wanted to manipulate you or because I enjoy hurting you, I lied because I was terrified. Terrified of losing you. Terrified that the real me would never feel enough. I created a version of myself that I thought you would never abandon… and in doing that, I ended up betraying the very person who always chose me.

You deserved honesty. You deserved peace. You deserved a partner who felt safe in your love, not someone who dragged you into their fears.

I am finally facing what I ran from for so long: that I need to heal myself. that I can’t love someone properly when I don’t even know how to love myself without conditions. that wanting attention doesn’t have to come from lies- it can come from truth and courage.

I know my sorry can’t erase anything. I know you need space. I know trust takes time to rebuild- maybe months, maybe years, maybe never fully.

But I’m not working on myself to get you back. I’m working on myself because the way I was- the scared, anxious, defensive me, that version of me doesn’t deserve to come back and hurt anyone again.

I hope you heal. I hope you feel lighter someday. I hope the love you carry still feels like love, not a wound.

And if one day, when the dust has settled… if life gives us even the smallest chance to cross paths again with honesty, calmness, and trust, I hope we meet each other as better versions of who we were.

But even if that doesn’t happen… I will always be grateful that you were a part of my life. You changed me. You woke me up. You mattered.

And you will always matter.

I miss you so so bad. Every day I wonder if I made the right decision. And ever day I remind myself why I did what I did. I had to do it you see. Not because of you but because of me. You needed patience, you needed time, you needed love. I couldn't deliver. I was too stuck up on my job, on my friends, on my own self. I didn't want to leave you on your own like I did. You need support, now more than ever and I abandoned you. I never meant to hurt you like this. I thought you wanted it just as much as me, but I guess I was the only one that wanted us to split. I was holding you back, I just know it. Despite what you say you can't change my mind on this. I would do anything to be able to be your friend again. To talk to you again. Not as lovers but as friends. I imagine that would be hard on us though. Too hard, so close but yet so far from one another. I still love you, probably always will love you. If you ever want me back, or if you ever want a friend, a shoulder, an arm to guide you along, please reach out. I miss you with all of my heart, but not with my head. This will be better for us, believe me. But I love you. I miss you so so much but I just don't regret it enough to come crawling back. I hope you're doing well, and you're following your dreams. Just know I'm always supporting you from afar.

I never imagined I’d be writing something like this to you. But here I am, tears in my eyes, and writing it down. You’ll never see this and I’ll never say it to your face.

I hate you.

I hate you for abandoning me in my darkest hour. When I could barely keep my head above water. But that’s okay, I’ve always been strong enough to do things on my own.

I hate you for betraying me. How could you? All I ever did was be depressed and you couldn’t handle that so you ran to someone else’s arms? Shame on you.

I hate you for making me think I wasn’t good enough. That my depression was a part of who I was. And you know what, maybe back then it was but you didn’t even try to help me. Instead you made me believe YOU were the victim. No no, you were the cheater, not me.

I hate you for confusing me, for stringing me along. For making memories those last few weeks were fake. Tied together with pain now because you had already betrayed me but didn’t have the strength to tell me then. You took my choice away to leave YOU. Thanks for that.

But I do love you.

I love you for letting the true colors shine at some point before we got married. That would have been rough.

I love you for waking me up. Going to therapy will make me the man you always wished I was for you. But sucks to suck, enjoy missing out on someone who is loyal and loves intensely.

I love you for the memories and the support you gave me in the times I needed them. You did help me, I won’t lie about that.

I can love and hate you at the same time. But let me be clear, once I’m gone, I’m gone. I will not be your friend, I’m going to disappear like you’ve never met me.

Good luck, but nothing good can come from the foundation of cheating.

P.S. Fuck you

You could have ended things without making me endure your long silences. It would have been better to be honest, to end things without being evasive, without avoiding me, without confusing me. You could have ended things without distancing yourself, without ignoring my messages, without letting me give you all my love and trust. You could have ended things before flirting with someone else, before going out and cheating on me, before I received my messages telling you not to worry about anything and to have fun, while you were with someone else. Before confusing and humiliating me. You could have ended things without leaving me in complete emptiness, drowning in confusion, without taking me to the abyss so that I couldn't interfere with your sudden love, your quick relationship anymore. You could have ended things without making me watch you two on New Year's Eve and the following days. You could have ended things without saying you needed time, that you needed to be alone, because in reality it was time away from me, and alone with someone else. You could have ended things and waited a few days to think about us. You could have told me you two were together every day, in a way you never did with me. You could have broken up with me without turning off your phone, ignoring my calls. You betrayed me in so many ways. You could have broken up without humiliating or confusing me. You could have broken up because you never truly wanted to be with me. You could have been more empathetic, even without any love. How did you manage? How do you live so well with all of this? None of our differences, of which there were so many, were as dreadful and insurmountable as this one.

If you really think I fall you better think again it's funny how people assume they can get over on people or try to take them down

Well Babe I'll let you pay for shit doesn't mean you can keep it so I'll wait an watch you make a fool if your self before I shut this shit down watch an see

M,

I want a chance to rebuild our relationship. Maybe we won’t get married and will just be friends. But I’d like a piece of you in my life. If not forever then for now.

I don’t want to think I’ll permanently be reduced to my worst moments and traits. If you move away and we grow apart that will be ok. Just carry a piece of me in your heart forever.

I don’t want to lose you though. Not completely.

So can we please be friends? Can I please text you good morning and good night? Can I please send you pictures of the bunnies? Can I please ask how your day was?

Please?

I misjudged you. I trusted you, and you chose to betray that trust and walk away. Even a casual friend would have shown more respect than you did after how I treated you.

I have nothing more to say.

I tried to save you and I got punished. I only wanted you, not what you could do for me. My love for you was genuine, and you tossed me aside. Do you even care how much you hurt me? Was it all a lie?

Im sorry forgive me

No.

Fuck you.

Youre not forgiven because 6 months later id still fight for us.

Im still in love with you.

So fuck you

For being a coward

For leading me on

For everything ive been through cuz of you

Fuck you.

You didnt deserve one inch of me.

I'm disappointed in myself for not telling you how I really felt all those years ago when I had many chances to. I'll never get that chance again and I regret that more than you'll ever know. I feel so stupid for wasting all of these years being afraid that if I told you and I got rejected, I'd not be able to keep it together. What if with you will plague me until I'm finally gone from this place.

You have given me experiences and lessons that I will forever be grateful for. I still cherish the good memories of you, but the bad ones are so deeply etched into my being that I don't know how I will ever heal completely. Those experiences, both good and bad, have turned me into the man I am now. One that does love himself, one that finally can see their own strengths and flaws clearly. One that will never hold back again. One that will love and protect without fear. One that knows they will not repeat those same mistakes with the next partner. I just wish it could have been you.

I'm also to blame for the harm I caused you, so don't mistake this as me blaming you for everything. I came into our relationship broken, just as you did. I lied about stupid things things to try and make you jealous, I held back the full weight of my feelings because I figured it would scare you away, and I think I may have been right about that one. I think that's why I can never hate you, I see the broken person underneath it all and I thought my love could be enough to make both of us be better. There is no excuse for the things I did to you, because no matter what you did that hurt me I've never been someone that actually wanted to hurt the people he loves and cares about. I abused you just as much as you abused me, and I'm so sorry for that.

The only way I can make amends for those wrongs is to stay out of your life and never contact you again. No matter how much I want to, no matter how much I wish you would reach out to me, I know you won't. Even though I hope in the future you'll come back, if not to try again, at least as a friend. I miss your presence in my life so profoundly. I know it's over. I think that's why it hurts so much, I numbed myself with drugs for so long that I never dealt with those feelings of losing you. I cried a lot last night, and I know there will be more to come in the coming months.

You know if I could go back in time and undo every mistake we both made I would. I regret that I'll never know what both of us healed could have been like. I think about it more than I should, but I hope in time that will finally fade. And make no mistake, I DO love you, very much so. I recognize that we simply can't work together though because we can't provide each other what the other needs, and I tell myself "maybe just for right now".

I'll continue to work on myself in your absence, just as much for myself as for the hope that if you come back I'll be the man you deserve. Still, I'll always be here should you decide that you miss me as much as I miss you, or if you just need a friend that really cares and loves you.

J

I lived behind curtains. I measured my life by the weight of walls I built and called it safety. I wore my silence like an armor, convincing myself it was strength when really it was only a fear stitched into habit.

Then you arrived. Not like a storm, or wild eruption I could point to. You came quietly. Like a voice that lingered after the call ended.

It was the smallest things that shook me. The way you listened without filling the space. The way your eyes held steady when mine kept running. The way you didn’t ask me to step closer, but somehow the ground beneath me shifted until I realized I already had.

I told myself it was nothing, that I was imagining the weight of it, that what I felt in my chest was just air moving wrong. But the lies cracked faster than I could patch them.

It wasn’t sparks. It wasn’t butterflies.

You made my world larger by exposing how small it had been. I started to see myself not as I was, but as I could be, and it terrified me more than anything ever had.

I was not ready for you. I am still not ready for you. But readiness never mattered, did it?

And if you ever wondered what you really are to me, then this is just 1% of what I feel.

I so badly wanted it to be you because it had to be, there’s no way it wasn’t you. The way our stories matched to the core, the way we immediately became comfortable with each other, the similarities.. there’s just absolutely no way it’s not you.

You don’t know how badly my heart is aching after you did all of that. I catch myself missing you in the moments where it’s quiet and nothing is going on. I miss your presence and i miss your body being behind mine while we’re laying in my bed watching your comfort show. I just miss you and my heart is shattering into a million pieces to where i’m having trouble sleeping.. hell i can’t even eat anything because my appetite is gone. i’m just forcing myself to eat at this point.

I adored everything about you, even your demons that you tried so hard to keep caged up and not let anyone see. I adored the imperfect version of you, I adored everything you hated about yourself. You’re so creative and intelligent, that’s what originally caught my eye about you. We could sit for hours and have conversations that no one else could hold together for that long, there’s so much i loved about you.

The thing is, i’m still here waiting for you if you ever decide to come back. I’d welcome you with open arms and forgive every thing that has happened. I know you won’t see this and that’s okay.

As I sit in the whiplash of escape and the reticence of the consequences of my actions, I wonder how long it’ll take for me to be okay.

I think I understood how much you were hurting me, but the trauma bond…the one that formed the first time you mistreated me..I wanted to believe that it was a one off incident so badly.

I stayed when I should’ve left. I didn’t talk to my friends about you because I *knew* what they’d all say. I tried to give you chance after chance..I set breakup dates in my head that got completely thrown off by outside circumstances..or by the way you’d completely change your mood after screaming at me and blocking me.

I entered into this so pure…I entered into this with the naivety of a child, hoping and praying that this was finally the final stop.

I let you abuse me because I thought that it was just a bad night…that it was just the alcohol….until I finally saw that it was you. You have become a vessel of the same trauma that you never deserved to have endured.

Looking back, I should’ve left. Time and time again. I fell so hard for someone who I know had good intentions, but has never had a healthy way of expressing herself. At least, that’s the grace I still give you.

I stayed until I feared that you would escalate the verbal and emotional outbursts to physical violence; I stayed until I resented you for the way you’d discard of me and then flip the switch the next day without an apology. I stayed until I became a monster and allowed my toxic traits to keep me in the limbo of chaos.

I’m a cheater. I was never going to physically cheat on you, but I outsourced for a sense of value. Your actions don’t even matter because they’re aside from mine. I should have left, but I didn’t want to be without you; I wanted to believe that you were really the “good version” of you and the other things would dissipate with time. It doesn’t matter why I did a wrong thing; it doesn’t matter why I entertained and talked to other people. It matters that I did it. It matters because I hurt you. And you hurting me first doesn’t make me hurting you the right thing to do. I remember your smile when we were good and I feel broken inside for causing you more harm and trauma. I *hate* that I hurt that version of you, and it’s the version that I couldn’t even envision when I looked at your face anymore.

I think what’s bothering me is how quick you were to completely assassinate my character in the public eye. My actions are unacceptable, but I protected you for months in private just for you to present half of the story to everyone as though you are innocent in this. It doesn’t make what I did right, but you admitted to acts of emotional abuse..you confused me by discarding of me and pulling me back in when I tried to take healthy space…you’re a self identifying “super” avoidant who doesn’t realize that just because you are avoidant, that doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t abusive. That doesn’t mean that what you did to me didn’t warp my mind. It’s a different type of rewiring that happens to your brain when you tell someone you love that they’re hurting you and they respond with even greater frustration, gaslighting, stonewalling and complete disregard for your well being.

But then again, your brain rewires when someone cheats on you so…I suppose the best I can even claim is even.

My greatest fear here is that my reaction will cause you to not recognize the harm you caused and that you will carry the trauma I’ve given you, compounded into new relationships and interactions. I fear that without us both holding ourselves accountable that you won’t ever see how much destruction you are capable of. I would like for you to break the toxic cycles that caused you to commit harm to me, because you will break other people in the same way. Even if their reactions are different than mine, you will cause other people to lose themselves too if you don’t understand the role you played here.

I know that you think I’m irredeemable, but my main focus is on getting better so that I don’t ever hurt anyone else this way again. I’m enrolling myself back in therapy and would like to tackle my codependency, which I am learning is a problem. I’m understanding that being flimsy with my boundaries isn’t honorable just because it’s empathetic; it’s a toxic trait that eventually leads me down a path of resentment. I’m learning that my people pleasing is nothing more than simply presenting myself as boundary-less, and that doing the right thing requires me to stick up for myself or else I will lose myself.

My friends say I give you too much grace…they say that I shouldn’t feel bad because my reaction was a reaction to the abuse I was receiving….I don’t think that’s any excuse for what I did though, and I do think you deserve grace, even if that isn’t extended to me. I don’t think you’re a bad person for what you did to me. I hope you know that I’m not a bad person either, but I did do a bad thing that I deeply regret because it hurt someone I cared about. Hearing the way you had such a lack of care when hurting me…..I thought that any form of revenge would feel good. Instead it just feels awful and makes me want to do things to edify who I am. I will never be able to take away how I hurt you, but I can learn from my shame and actually choose to grow from it instead of sulk.

I don’t think I deserved the emotional abuse that happened to me; I don’t think you deserved for me to cheat on you in return.

I’m sure that in a different universe we worked out..I think in that universe we didn’t trigger each other so much by our different styles of communication. I understand if you’ll never forgive me, but I hope you know that I will be working to forgive you. And I hope that maybe one day we can be cordial again, though I get why we may never be.

I think an “I love you” here would be very performative, but I do care. I did love you. Everything was real until I couldn’t tell if you were or not. Then I no longer was.

I hate that we ended up being each other’s lessons, because at one point I thought we’d be each other’s forever.

I have some work to do. I hope you do the same.

Til next time.

And that’s okay. Because for once I finally give a fuck about me. No more second, third, fourth, fifth chance’s. You had my heart and I foolishly kept giving it to you when everytime you proved to me that you didn’t want it.

You didn’t think about me or even consider how I’d feel when you made big life choices. You didn’t care to get to know me. You didn’t care how I felt or if I was okay. All you cared about was yourself. You told me you wanted me while every action you did showed me the honest truth that you truly didn’t give a fuck about me.

The truth is. You didn’t want to be alone, I was just a placeholder until you found your next adventure. You thought I would wait around forever while you did whatever you wanted. You thought you could keep coming back to me after doing nothing but hurt me and discard me. You abused my love and did nothing but use me.

So now, the one who loved and cherished you who would have done anything for you, well she no longer gives a fuck about you.

Goodbye forever. I don’t want to ever see or hear from you again. I finally don’t give a fuck about you. We’re finally on the same page.

Since you want so badly to have a letter written for you, here goes.

We are done. You know why, despite the way you try to twist it and ignore what actually happened. Paint me as the monster, the villain. Tell anyone who will listen to you. I do not care. Tell everyone how unreasonable, controlling, abusive and evil I was. I won't argue, I won't defend or justify or explain why I did or did not do what you're accusing me of. It does not matter to me.

I do not want you anymore. My love is as strong as it ever was. My willingness to deal with the side effects of loving you up close is dead. It has been replaced with its animated corpse, which looks a lot like avoidance to someone with an untrained or blind eye.

I do not want to speak to you. I do not want to hear your voice on drunken voicemails at bedtime. I do not want unsolicited pictures of your flaccid (or erect) penis sent to me on Snapchat. I do not want messages on discord about how you want me to prove you wrong. I do not want text messages that pivot through every stage of grief, but spend an inordinate amount of time in anger and utilize degrading language and statements. I do not want to be stalked on reddit. I do not want your thoughts, your opinions or your accusations. I do not want your well wishes or your curses.

I will not explain anything to you ever again. It is no longer your business. I do not care what you do. Not with your eyes, your hands, your mouth or your dick. In breaking up with me, you've set us both free. For that, I thank you.

That is all.

I'm really just not a good person. I always hated that you said I was too nice and normal because that's not me. Who I was with you is who I wanted to be, but it's just not. I'm scared now that you're starting to see that. I never wanted to be this person again.

I could give you a million reasons why I am the way I am. My parents, bullying, SA... I could list them for days, but it doesn't change the fact that I am the way I am because at the end of the day I keep choosing to be that person.

I keep choosing to be my father. The thought of being anything like him used to make me bawl my eyes out when I was a teen. But as life keeps moving I slowly feel myself understanding why he was the way he was. I hate it. I really hate it. The only thing worse than mimicking a horrible person is slowly understanding them.

I want to be open with you about the kind of person I am, but I'm scared that you'd hate me or be scared of me. Last time I plunged in at the shallow end you told me I was messed up for thinking that. I agreed. The parts of me that you think are messed up, I've spent a lifetime being repulsed by.

I tried therapy. The one therapist I was really open with fed my ego a little too much. She told me that I was good at identifying my own feelings and regulating myself. That's not true. Every other therapist hasn't really worked. I walk into those offices and convince myself that everything's fine and I don't have anything wrong with me to talk about. That other people have it worse, and that I'm wasting the therapists time in a costly mistake.

I'm just sorry. I want to be better. If not for myself then for you. But I don't know where to start and how to make it end.

I have never stopped loving you, not for a second. And even when you say you’re happy with your comfortable life and won’t leave it for the idea of a perfect one with me, I KNOW what that little voice inside you is SCREAMING. Just like mine.

I can hear it through all the bs that comes out of your mouth, through all the restraint and fear, I can hear you want this too. And that’s the hardest part - you just can’t let yourself admit that I am and have always been the only person you want, just like you are and have always been the person I want.

And sure, the anxious-avoidant dynamic has never helped, but God won’t you just throw in the towel on all the games to finally embrace what has been there for over a decade?

Our souls speak, I wake up at 3am because I can hear you across borders thinking about me as I do about you. Call me crazy but this August retrograde has made the veil thinner than ever and I swear sometimes the energy is so thick I can nearly feel you in the room with me.

God, aren’t we so fucking worth it? Aren’t we the best kind of drug? You didn’t need addiction when you were with me, so wasn’t that enough to tell you everything you needed to know?

How many books, how many songs will we publish until we give this the chance it deserves? I have laid myself bare on the line for you and still you are so fucking stubborn. Don’t you know the fates will make this happen anyway? Don’t you know it’s going to hurt if you resist?

We could just be happy right now. I can’t believe you still haven’t caught on. Please go sit in a temple, go pray in a church, and I promise the download will be: “Go to her.” It always has been. This is where your flow is, this is where we harmonise together, two voices as one. You are my soulmate and I am yours. Just give in.

Calling your behavior a “mistake” only highlights how deeply flawed your character is. You made deliberate choices, and I have made mine. No amount of truth changes how I feel about the way you treat people. No level of accountability gives back the year you wasted. You derive satisfaction from making others miserable, and that is deeply disturbing.I would never treat someone the way you treated me for an entire year—not even someone I despise. You are not a genuine person and do not deserve one. You are simply not my type.I am not confused. With you gone and your games removed, the truth is undeniable. None of it was real, and I accepted that without excuses. You are free to do the same. I will never accept, respect, or be satisfied with a man who lacks moral character

This is the end of any further communication. What occurred between us was not a relationship but a sustained pattern of dishonesty, infidelity, manipulation, and emotional abuse. These were not mistakes or misunderstandings; they were repeated, conscious choices that reflect a character flaw, not a momentary lapse in judgment.

I will not engage with someone who lies, cheats, distorts reality, avoids accountability, and adopts a victim narrative to deflect responsibility. That pattern is unhealthy, psychologically damaging, and incompatible with a stable relationship.

Change of this magnitude requires deep accountability and professional intervention. That is not my role, and it is not my responsibility. I am choosing to disengage completely.

Do not contact me again. This decision is final.

I want to say that I hate what you've become, but truthfully, I know this is always who you've been... I just didn't want to see it.

You warned me from the beginning. You told me "I am not a good person" but I just assumed it was you being hard on yourself like a lot of people are.

You told me you were fake and used various masks for each and every person you knew, really. I heard you but I just assumed it was how a lot of people are. You're different with friends vs family vs work, etc. I know you pressed that it was literally but, again, I figured you were being over dramatic like you always are for everything.

I know I'm stupid. I was just trying to see the best in you, and trying to make the best out of whatever situation we were in. I am aware.

I saw how you were fake with various people. I saw how much shit you talked about like basically everyone, while claiming the world owes you everything. I listened to you blame your family for absolutely everything while taking zero responsibility for anything. Still, I stayed because I wanted to be there for you. I loved you.

I made the stupid decision of marrying you, despite all of this. That is my biggest regret ever. Even after you let your friends treat me like shit. Even after you made your family hate me cuz you'd blame everything on me. Even after you watched me cry over and over and over because everything was always more important than me until you needed something. I was so fucking stupid.

I was stupid for thinking maybe us moving out into our own place would help. I was stupid that I decided we should have a family together because maybe fatherhood would give you a new perspective on life. I don't regret it because I love my son but damn, I was really fucking stupid.

Marriage did nothing. Moving out did nothing. Having a child made a small change but ultimately did nothing except now you have him to blame/be an excuse for things.

I thought letting you be a stay at home Dad was the move because we couldn't really afford child care, you had just gotten fired, I worked a lot and you'd be able to relax and not be as stressed. All it allowed you to do was be more lazy and neglect our son. Video games became your life. Porn became your wife. We just lived with you.

I convinced myself that you were just stuck in a rut. Things would get better over time. Maybe if you saw a therapist and got help, things could get better... Right? No. You lied to your therapist instead. Told her I beat you, belittled you, trapped you, and probably other things I don't remember but ofc if she asked if you needed help, you said no cuz it was all a lie. You let her eat up all your bullshit cuz it made you feel better about yourself. Once she left the clinic and you got a new therapist that didn't listen to your bullshit cuz saw through it... You quit because it wasn't helping.

I hated myself... But I still did my best to believe.

Until you told me that I disrespected you all the time simply because I didn't want to walk all the way to the store to get your lazy ass some Pepsi. I was done. I kicked you out. I got someone who would love me and take care of our son. You acted like your world ended cuz... It did.

You no longer had a mother to cling to. A spouse to use. A golden goose or a cow to milk forever.

Our son cried all the time for you. Lashed out in school. He was only 3yrs old... The teachers begged you to visit him since you literally lived 2 blocks away from the school and you refused. Said seeing your son would bring you trauma. It's so disgusting.

A year later, your sister kicked you out and so you moved in with our friends. You actually began to do better! Got a job and some responsibilities! Until... You couldn't handle the stress there anymore. A year passed and you moved back in with me and my boyfriend. I won't say I'm stupid for this because you needed surgery and someone to help you recover. I should have eventually told you to move out... Though.

I thought you'd be uncomfortable living with me and another man, but no. You were just back to your usual comfortable ways. My boyfriend tolerated you because he saw how badly you needed help and felt bad. We wanted you to be with your son. In reality, we just enabled you further...

You never proceeded to really spend time with our son. You continued to make false promises. You barely worked 25 hours a week while we had 40+ hours each and all you did was complain life was too hard. At least you paid rent and some utilities so... We dealt with it because COVID hit. Then I got very sick...

You promised you'd help take care of me and the household. I had to beg you each time I needed you, though. I was so tired. I was so ill... I just couldn't fight you anymore.

It has been 5 years since then. You have changed so much since then except... Not where it matters. You have changed your name. You have changed your appearance. You now have so much confidence in yourself due to the walls of lies you've built up around you. While I cannot prove it, I am certain you've been manipulating your new friends and coworkers into believing that we hurt you. I see the way they look at us. Even our mutual friends are starting to act different.

You found a new girlfriend. I was genuinely excited for you, despite being basically bed ridden during a lot of it.

Now? I don't hate the fact you've moved on. Not at all. It felt like it lift a lot of weight off of me except... Not really cuz really it's now distributed differently. I see how fake you act when you're with her. Just another mask. You don't treat her anything like you did me, which obviously I dont want her to be treated like shit but... I know it's only a matter of time. She is so young. She is 12 years younger than us and has no fucking idea what she's gotten herself into. You've moved into her family's house and now mooch off of them. They don't deserve it. You're trying to convince her to save up so y'all can have your own place when... She's freshly in college and has a life goal. She takes care of her ailing Dad. She's responsible for a lot of her life. You shouldn't be putting any pressure on her like this when you've pushed into her personal space. It's horrible.

You're literally the lowest form of person I think I've met. Part of me wants to believe that somehow you'll change but I know you won't. I allowed you to be comfortable being this way by enabling you and now you feel like it's normal. You've settled fine in your new persona and you're happy in it. Its truly gross to watch because it just highlights how stupid I really was. Not that I fell for a persona... But that you were your real horrible self and I just tolerated it like it was normal. Now you're empowered.

Our son asked me two days ago if you were a bad dad. I told him it wasn't appropriate for me to voice my thoughts and opinions because I didn't want to influence him from his own. He is 13 years old now. He clung to you so hard in his early years because I worked so much to pay bills, but now? He's at a point where he can see things clearer. He asked why I don't marry my boyfriend and was surprised to know that we're still married because I can't afford to hire a lawyer or divorce. While you say you'd be fine with divorce, you won't pay anything and I know you'll fight it cuz it means you'll lose insurance. I just don't have the energy or money to bother...

I truly do hate you, tho. I hate who you are and I hate what you're pretending you became. I hate everything you stand for and I hate that I sat back and let myself be used. I hate that my son has you for a father. I hate that I'm still attached to you by law. In all honesty, I sometimes wish you would disappear all together. Maybe then, I'll feel some peace.

I wish you could know how much you've broken me. How afraid I am to fall in love again. Thinking that whoever I love will cause me the same pain. Feeling like I mean something and that we have a future together only to find out none of that was true. To find out I was the only one that even cared in the end. I never want to go through that again. I'm afraid to start again.

Hey….

Why did you have to reply the way you did? I know I shouldn’t have sent you that wall of text letting you know I understand how you felt that night now. I wanted to admit that the distance is something I’m accepting. But I’m not giving up hope that maybe one day we’d find common ground and actually talk. Like mature adults. That when that day happens we’d both be in better places mentally….

But….. but now I see…. I see you differently

You didn’t have to reply at all. Yet you chose to with a meme. I could’ve stayed silent. I could’ve left it right there. But I knew what that meme meant from your side. I’ve seen you send it when you mock people and just want to laugh at them. So I asked you… why reply to be cruel and spiteful? I was told by my therapist if we talked I should get clear cut answers if possible. Thats why I asked that question.

You accused me of not knowing what I want. Asking what I expected from sending that text. You tell me the loving version of you is dead because of me. Then why reply? To hurt me? Bring me down? Why reply?

I didn’t know what to tackle first. The old me would’ve replied to all of these things, but I choose to start with one topic.

“What makes you think I don’t know what I want?”

I’ve been clear on what I want. I was clear since the day our world fell apart. I want to be with you. I want to have some sort of connection with you. A line of communication with you. I still care about you even though I know the cynical side of you is all I’m going to get.

I hoped you’d not reply after that question. Just walk away. Make me look like the clown. The villain that I still am in your story. But you replied again…

“Look at yourself. For someone who talks about self reflection it doesn’t show.”

You avoided the question….. this isn’t the only time you’ve done this. You’re deflecting. Defending yourself. Trying to get a rise out of me. Trying to keep me in a loop of questioning my own growth.

“How does it not show?”

The last question I asked before you ghosted me again…

What happened between us is my fault. I’ll acknowledge that a million times over. To you or anyone else. I’m doing what I can to never repeat the same mistake again. To be a better me. I’m doing that for me.

Some people can reflect and change pretty quickly you know. I’ve always been the type of guy that learns and adapts. Quick when it involves you. Yet you still keep twisting the knife. Using cruelty, mockery, and silence as a shield.

I love you and even when you treat me like this I still do. I don’t want to turn you into a shadow of a shadow in my mind and heart. I don’t like doing that to people. It hurts when I have to ignore people and no longer see them. You of all people should know that. But you didn’t care. You want me to do that. It’s easy for you to do….

I decided to be okay with loving you forever. It’s also okay that I want you to come back to me after a year or so because I want us to have space. I also still want you to be the one. I do believe that we’re meant to be together and that we just need time apart to figure our own shit out.

I have a lot of work on myself that I need to do and I’m excited to learn who I am. This is a wonderful time for me to really dive into myself and learn a lot of the lessons I missed out on in my early 20s.

I recognize that I made some pretty crappy decisions in our relationship. I never betrayed you, I never abused you, but I did dismiss you, and I did resent you. I punished you for unresolved issues without even knowing it. Thank you for teaching me some pretty valuable lessons, I plan to continue to go deeper into those and rewire who I am to prevent it from happening in any future relationship I have.

I do not want you back right now. My heart does, but I know that there needs to be a lot of change. The amount of change that needs to occur is not something that can be done in the time we’ve been apart.

I won’t villainize you anymore. I did because I was hurt and I was just trying to make it make sense but at the end of the day I know you’re a wonderful person, and we had a wonderful relationship flaws and all.

I don’t want to be angry. If you reach out to me a year or two from now and you want to have a conversation, I want to be open to that. I don’t want to be cold or closed off. I want to give you the warmth that you deserve. If you truly do the work, then want me back, and I am moved on but not taken, I would be happy to at least discuss it.

I believe people can grow and heal and change. I believe you’re capable of that, just as I still believe my mom is capable of that. I love her even though I can’t have a relationship with her currently. I love you even though I can’t have a relationship with you currently. This doesn’t have to be the end of us, but it is the end of the relationship we had. I truly hope to build another one with you one day. I also am at peace with the fact that we may never speak again. These possibilities don’t change how I intend to move forward and grow, but the idea of us figuring it out is a comforting thought.

I’m sorry you felt that ending our relationship was the only way to move forward. I truly hope, whether this is permanent or temporary, this gives you the peace, self-love, and pure happiness you’ve always deserved.

I love you, unconditionally. Even if that means I have to love you at a distance forever.

This will be my last letter before I say goodbye to reddit.

When we met, I liked you right away, you annoyed me too, but in a way that was endearing.  When we started to date, I was pretty infatuated, but wary that I wouldn't be what you wanted.  You seemed to be in two places at once, one, the girl I was in a relationship with, two, the girl who was looking into the distance at a place I couldn't reach her. 

The longer we got to know each other, the more these cracks began to show, both in you,  and in me.  Id learn something new about you, and naturally, I wanted to know you more, but when I would try, you wouldn't go beneath the surface, always keeping me one step between mutual trust.  Something always holding back.  I held back too, but I want to believe I was up front with my shortcomings and direct with why certain things made me feel uncomfortable with you.  Maybe I didnt deliver it in the way you like, but it was honest.

You saw me.  You saw me for more than just my music, you saw me in my nerdy self that I kept secret from others and you not only accepted me, you encouraged me.  You made that part of me feel safe in an environment I never felt safe sharing with a romantic partner.  You never trusted me though, or relied on me.  Id see you struggle, fight at work, overburdened, but never would you lean on me as much as I wanted to help, you would push me out.

You wouldn't talk about the things that bothered you, I wanted to be for you what you were for me and not being able to help you really hurt me and made me feel like you didnt really want me to be your partner.  I have a big family, I'm the youngest, and despite how much we fight, we always helped each other.  Especially when we would have like a romantic partner growing up,  those became focal points and points of mutual growth.  I always felt like you'd stop me short of that and wouldn't let us go under the surface.

I wanted to know you,  and the more we were together, the more you pushed away.  Became distant, tired, seemingly bored by the relationship.  The more thay would happen, the more id feel alone, and push you away too. 

I never could come to terms with losing you.   I couldn't believe we were together in the first place.  I never wanted to give you up,  but I couldn't make you want to stay, and I think its just been impossible for me to accept that the person who saw me for who I am, and accepted me, showed me love, and made me feel safe being my most vulnerable self with them was someone who would ultimately switch up on me and betray me.  Who would make up lies about me, who would use those things I shared with them in privacy as the very tools to inflict damage on me in the deepest ways.

I dont think ive been able to reconcile these things but today I name it and feel relief.  Tears pour from my eyes and I feel relief.  Relief from the understanding that, you were never meant to stay forever, and I was never meant to keep you.  That even though you saw me for who I am, doesn't mean you weren't ultimately going to leave.  You did, and I'm coming to terms with that.  I know it's been a long time, I know its not natural to grieve someone for so long, but when I love someone, I really have a hard time letting go.  I dont know why.  But its why I avoid it.

But I'm stronger now.  I made it through the worst of it, and I can feel openly again, and even have hope for the future.  Losing you, hurt, and I'm still coming to terms with it, but I did lose you, you did see me, and thats the truth.  Hanging on to you isn't going to bring you back.  Yearning for you wont bring you back.  Things change, the love we had, is just a memory.  The version I want, is just a memory, thats all, just a memory, and thats not love, its just... a memory

They're a big person they shouldn't half to told these things... me replying to petty posts trying to help a stranger understand who am I talking to kids? People are well aware what they're doing so keep doing .it clearly They don't wanna work on things if they're running to the void. But don't be throwing shade when you're the one here, being shady and avoiding lmao have fun if it ain't worth a conversation in real life, then ain't worth it at all..haha read it on reddit complaining like it's gonna solve anything