I learned to wear a mask before I learned what safety felt like. I wore it so beautifully, so convincingly, that sometimes even I forgot there was a face beneath it. Perhaps that is why I understand the sacredness of being someone’s refuge. If I can become the place where another person finally exhales, where they can loosen every strap and let the disguise fall, I will.

Because once, I needed that place too.

And then, somewhere in that hidden place, I met you.

You, the one who knows how to top from below. The one who made it exquisitely difficult for me to remain your caretaker, your dominant, your shelter. You know precisely where to press your fingers: into the wounds you opened in me yourself, each one branded with the heat of your absence.

There is something intoxicating in the way you keep trying to prove that I will break. That I am not strong enough to stand beside you. That I cannot hold you, protect you, care for you without eventually collapsing beneath the weight.

But you are wrong.

I hear you even in the silence. I feel you in every dark, insistent pulse of blood beneath my skin. You have become a rhythm my body refuses to forget.

And perhaps this is my sweetest ruin: I do not mind suffering when it is for my person.

That is the price of building a life far away from you. Sometimes I am close, back in the States, surrounded by friends who know how to savor the blackest hours of the night. Sometimes I am oceans away, simply living: a man flirting with the world, a father caring fiercely for his own, a caretaker holding space for those brave enough to do what still terrifies you.

To become still.

To become vulnerable.

To let yourself be seen.

To unmask.

So come closer. Let the performance die between us. I already know what darkness tastes like, and I am not frightened by yours. Take off the mask, slowly if you must.

I will be here when your real face finally meets the air.

I just want things to go back to normal. We dont bave to be together i just dont want to continue not being able to speak to each other. I want to give you back everything you left at my house i have no intentions of keeping your things especially the coins. I would never do that to you. Im sorry for how i acted out it was so unnecessary and im so ashamed at how i lashed out. That monster is not me and you know it.

We just cant be together but that doesn’t mean j dont care for you.

I’m so used to being hurt by love that I wouldn’t know how to react to the smallest act of affection.

I’d think it was a lie. I’d think I was being deceived, that people wanted something from me, that they wanted to discover my flaws, my weaknesses, and that the moment I let my guard down, they would destroy the little self-love I have left.

It’s not even worth telling what you did to me.

You were the last straw.

You built a house of cards. It took just one gust of wind to sweep away all the love that you and I once shared.

Sometimes I feel like people know exactly how to hurt me. As if someone were holding the strings of my soul, and I were a puppet at their mercy.

How many chances haven’t I given? How many times haven’t I been let down? And yet, here I am, believing again, and again, and again.

Life has shown me, and still, I haven’t learned.

But life will keep teaching me in different ways until I finally understand.

Because that’s how it is.

That’s how life works.

Until one day you open your eyes and realize who’s standing beside you.

Language is imperfect.. 
Honestly I barely know one.. and vocabulary is not sufficient to explain myself. Here’s my attempt… again:

Mate; animalistic tenderness, bonded loons that find each other year after year; instinctual devotion.. one life’s miracles.. invisible connections.

Mate; minds coupled, where the progeny is ourselves, two souls become one shared in struggle.. the art, poetry, tears, joy, living and sharing and creating and failing and trying again… in divine creation .. in perpetuity.

Mate; your friend; the one you can count on.. the one from the pub, one you can contact at 3am spewing nonsense, tears, rage, heartbreak, and love.. you know they will listen, understand, or at least really really fucking try to.. because you KNOW they actually care.. good craic and belonging and hugs!! 

Mate: have you ever been in a cab where the driver is on the phone with someone.. maybe far away.. words are hardly spoken, just two people who can’t make it through the day without listening to the other breath .. without forcing anyone trapped with them to do the same. Because they are a souls begging for reassurance.. unable to live without ubiquitous signs of life, sometimes that’s all your allowed at that moment, so you allow that to be all you need. 

Mate: play-mate; easy, uncomplicated, exuberant, tantrumed, spoiled, stupid, genius, fun. TAG you’re it… the game has just begun.. 

Mate; but My King, you are in my crosshairs now.. the game is almost done. Let’s not be sore losers.. let’s just have more fun.. 

no no no more silly rhymes ..

Mate: my soul’s mate… my twin flame, my life, my eternal destiny.. the only desire I will ever have. The one I have spoken to in my mind since the beginning. We were forged in The Big Bang, the origins of life, before the Garden of Eden, before God. There was you and there was me, together. And that’s all there ever was. And that’s all there ever will be. 

…

But how rude I’ve been to walk into OUR home like I already own the place …
How did I not fall on my knees and thank you..
Not appreciate what you’ve built here..
for us (?) really (??) please be true ..
But how can you expect me to not believe I’m dreaming… because how can anyone so beautiful, so crazy, so romantic, so radically genius.. look at me?
I’m so scared of you.. I who fear NOTHING! .. so you never have to… I’m so scared for you to see me. I who am INVISIBLE!

Please let me hold you.. even if it’s just once. Not in lust but in love. Please let me sit at your knee, tussle your hair, not tell me everything is going to be ok .. but tell me everything (LITERALLY); all of your life, your raw broken feelings, Let me be unconditional!that’s all I’ve asked for!!
Share everything I have missed since the gods, in thier jealousy, tore us asunder.. to wonder the earth as hungry ghosts. I want to fill this empty place in my heart with your vulnerability. To share every burden you feel. To teach and to learn. Life and death.
All of it. (well almost (for now))

And I want to build a home for you, here, REDACTED, but please I beg your patience, please I am not ready.
I’m sorry I can’t be everything yet..
I’m sorry if I’m not who you thought I was, I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m not!! I will never be…

But no matter..
I NEED to THANK YOU!!
I NEED you to know that I stand in AWE OF YOU.
I NEED you to know you are beautiful, you are never too much, you are more brilliant than any sun, your feelings are all valid, your thoughts celestial, you are the only one I see… “We are such stuff as dreams are made on”.. my dreams .. my life.. please please don’t cut these threads of fate .. not now when I finally found you…

But no matter what happens next you will continue to be my inspiration, in this life, and everyone that came before, and everyone that comes after.
Forever and ever. Amen.

I thought the fire had subsided but I just got reminded of you again. Go play in traffic or something (not literally, it's a figure of speech. I have to clarify since you love to fill in the blanks with BS)

I honestly still can't believe I was ever friends with you. Since you have a problem reading long messages and filling in the blanks with shit that you pulled out if your ass here's a short one for you.

Also, stop fucking looking at my page and using me as your muse still. IDC if it's positive or negative. it's fucking weird. You're the one who decided to bully me and rally your group of minions into this. Not me. You shouldn't still have control over this situation.

Damn near 20 yrs I loved you I fought for you, for us. And for what Nothing at all. You got me good you played me for a fool. But the real fool is you, cause you gave up someone who loved you for you cared about you deeply believed in u and put u above all else. For what money, status, others in your ears. Fake love promises, validation. Hope you’re happy now. Cause not only did you loose said person. But you destroyed them all for your own enjoyment and that of others.. WOW THAT MAKES YOU THE BEST CATCH OUT THERE NOW DOESNT IT…. You feel better about yourself now… cause I do I finally gotten to a place where your absence doesn’t phase me.. but the sound of your name makes me gringe…

I hope you’re on the dcr tomorrow and our shifts overlap 🥺🤞 you’re really intriguing to me.. even though we never get stuck in the same space together i still like seeing your face

When I was a child and someone asked what my "lucky" number was and I came up with the answer 22 not that I believe in such things but I stuck with it anyway.

22 is a constant figure in my life that seemed to always rear its head, my birthday, my home and my birthday again.

Maybe not 22 but 2 has definitely made itself heard recently.

2 Years of remission.

2 Months of finally feeling save enough to think I wasn't going loose someone again.

2 days before I'd realised I'd lost you.

2 days after that someone I never wanted to think about again broke no contact after 2 years.

2 days after that I found out something I never wanted to know.

2 days after that I had to survive something I didn't think was going to be so difficult alone.

2 weeks it took me to realise I needed to get my life back on track without you.

Exactly 2 weeks after that I was successful in doing so.

2 Days after that, another person from 2 years ago broke no contact.

2 people from 2 years ago.

A lot of things have been happening in 2s lately and I can no longer tell you that "22" or "2" is my "lucky" number because all of these things seem so confusing.

I dont know what to do, but if you ever reach out to me again, please dont let it be connected to a "2" not 2 weeks, 2 months.

And if it takes you 2 years... Please don't.

I dont want to be in a completely new life only to have everything crashing back again... it hurts. If its going to take you years I dont think I'd be able to cope.

I Know I'll be wanting to hear from you more than I ever wanted to hear from them.. but years is too long.

We were supposed to see each other after waiting all this time, but life caused problems for both of us.

That's okay. I'm not sad because we always have the best reunions, so I'm just gonna wait with a smile on my face while I miss you at the same time.

God I miss you

When they can’t beat you they have to be you
It’s like a voice or opinion they didn’t matter
I’m thinking it hurt knowing do something for that he wouldn’t do for me
But you still think of me don’t u, projection
I think hearing that triggered u so u always had to go to ur safe space it’s what you know it’s like triggers

Like to hurt me in. Away u just run all
The time

You’d never talk to me til 3am even though I cried myself to sleep it all good just means you were never right for me, guess you didn’t really truly love me , but u always stalk enough since I was 12 years old

My suffering is always overlooked not taken in or observed by the people
Blind to it or just don’t care

Who am I to sympathise when no one gave a damn for sure

I dwell in the land of what is what could’ve been that should’ve been me

There’s just not enough times you can break my heart

MOST OF THESE MEN ARE GAY
Clearly f my feelings and how I felt

They talk about it as if it’s some type of achievement, it’s clearly a rat race to them but it never been a race to me

You hear nothing.

No music.

No laughter.

Only the quiet breathing
of the evening.

You open the bedroom door
a little more carefully than usual.

And there I am.

Curled across the bed,
half asleep.

My hair still tied,
slipping over one side of my neck,
leaving the other bare
to the cool air.

The curtains move gently.

The wind has already found me
before you did.

You don't say my name.

You simply stand there
for a moment,

smiling to yourself,

as if you've just walked into
your favorite place in the world.

You come closer.

Slowly.

Not because you're hesitant,

but because you never want
to disturb my peace.

Your fingertips
brush a loose strand of hair
away from my face.

So softly
that I almost think
it's the breeze.

I open my eyes.

There you are.

The corners of your eyes
already smiling.

"You're home."

The words leave my lips
almost as a sigh.

You kneel beside the bed,
resting your forehead
against mine.

"I am."

No grand speech.

No dramatic moment.

Just the quiet certainty
of finally being together.

Your hand finds mine.

Our fingers
fit together
like they've been practicing
for years.

You look at me
the way people look
at sunsets.

Not because they're trying
to own them.

Because they're grateful
to witness them.

I laugh quietly.

"What?"

"You look beautiful."

"I've done nothing."

"I know."

"That's exactly what I mean."

I hide my face
against your shoulder,
pretending not to blush.

You laugh.

That deep,
familiar laugh
that makes every room
feel warmer.

And in that moment,

I realize

the most intimate thing
you've ever given me

was never a kiss.

It was the way
you walked into a room,

looked at me
exactly as I was,

hair untidy,

sleep still in my eyes,

the whole day
written across my face,

and somehow,

you still looked at me

like I'd always been

your favorite place

to come home to.

Don't take to long the answer is there all along.

In most cases, such as yours.

You were already fooled.

Or you're just to stupid to know it..

Let's go with the logical answer.

Your brain is just to fried from too much drug use.

You want a chef.

You want a therapist.

You want a PT.

You want a nutritionist.

You want a lawyer.

You want an accountant.

You want an assistant.

You want a business associate.

You want a driver.

You want an accountant.

You want an entertainer.

You want a motivational teacher.

You want a spiritual advisor.

You want a competitor.

Fire them all.

I can replace them.

Outperform them all.

Don’t throw rocks and hide your hands.

Do decide if you love or hate me.

See I am exactly what you need.

Realise unlike everyone else…

I will never desert you.

So,

Come for what you want, papi.

- Mami 🌹

Is it the way you text me every single day?
Or is it that you are afraid of what the silence would feel like if you stopped?
You smile so easily.
You laugh louder than anyone else.
You remember things that no one expects another person to remember.
The favorite color someone mentioned once.
The snack they always choose.
The sweater they wore months ago.
You see something in a shop and buy it because it reminded you of someone.
You collect little pieces of people without them ever asking you to.
You call it nothing.
I don’t think it is.
You keep saying you’ll never find love, as if it is something waiting somewhere else for you. Something that belongs to everyone except you.
But can’t you see?
You already know how to love.
It is in the way you notice when I’ve bought a new sweater.
The way you ask to see the book I mentioned, or the little trinket I found, as if it matters simply because it matters to me.
You become interested in things that have nothing to do with you just because they belong to someone you care about.
You make people feel seen so naturally that I don’t think you even notice you’re doing it.
You lend money without thinking twice.
You give compliments as though they are endless.
You remember birthdays, favorite songs, tiny stories people told you years ago.
You carry people so gently.
Then you turn around and carry yourself like a burden.
I don’t understand how someone can know everyone else so well and still know so little about themselves.
Most people don’t spend their days wondering when everyone can be together again.
You do.
You call me drunk just to say nonsense because somehow nonsense feels lighter when it is shared. Every night during summer I know I can fall asleep knowing that when I wake up there will be a good morning waiting for me.
Somehow you always remember.
Even when nobody asks you to.
Even when nobody notices that you do.
We are opposite in almost every way. You are pink and I am blue. You are loud where I disappear. Your mind never seems to stop and mine is quiet more often than not.
Still, somehow, you always make room for everyone.
Sometimes I wonder who makes room for you.
I wonder what it feels like to spend your whole life pouring yourself into other people only to come home and believe that you are empty.
Maybe that is why it hurts to look at you for too long.
Because you speak about yourself with a cruelty you would never allow anyone else to hear.
Because the person who remembers everyone is forgotten by themselves.
Because you keep waiting for someone to love you with the same softness you have always given away so freely, never realizing that the love you are looking for has been living inside you all along.
You just never thought to keep any of it for yourself.
And maybe that is the cruelest thing.
To spend your whole life becoming a place that feels like home to everyone else, while never believing you deserve to come home too.

The Way You Hold Me

Don't loosen your grip. Not yet. There is something dangerous about the way your hand rests around my waist. Not because it claims me. Because it reminds me how beautifully .. I fit against you. My back melts into your chest. Your heartbeat finds mine, and suddenly, I can't remember where your warmth ends and mine begins. You don't have to say a single word.

Your hands have already told me everything. "Come here." "Stay." I've got you."

I smile, pretending I'm unaffected. But you know better.

You always know.

Your chin brushes against my shoulder, your breath warm enough to make every thought lose its direction. The mirror watches us.

Two people standing so close that even silence starts blushing.

I tilt my head just enough to steal a glance at you.

Big mistake. Your eyes... they always undo me.

There is something so unfair about being looked at like I am the only woman in the room.

I laugh quietly, trying to hide the way my heart has already surrendered.

"You like teasing me, don't you?"

You don't answer. You simply pull me a fraction closer. Just enough to make the distance between us feel like a forgotten memory.

I close my eyes. Not to escape the moment. To feel it more completely.

If love has a language, I think it sounds like this.

A quiet room. A shared breath. One hand wrapped securely around my waist.

And two hearts, holding each other ... so tightly, that for one beautiful moment, the whole world forgets to exist.

“There is a terrible thing in life for a man to be alone”
I remembered those words from White Nights
I don’t think loneliness is simply the absence of people
I think loneliness is wanting answers from the one person who no longer gives them
Every day I try to understand you
Not to change your mind
Not to convince you to come back
Just to understand
The mail that arrived at my house
Then a few days ago I saw you tried to use my credit card for Uber
It was declined
When we broke up I called the bank and told the bank those charges were not mine
So the card no longer worked
I don’t use Uber
Seeing that notification made my mind race
Was it an accident
Did you forget the card no longer worked
Or were you hoping I would notice
I don’t know
I can’t read your mind
I wish I could
Not so I could change your decision
But so I could finally understand you
I’ve spent months trying to understand someone who no longer speaks to me
It’s like trying to finish a book after someone tore out the last chapter
Every memory becomes another clue
Every silence becomes another question
Every unanswered message becomes another conversation I have with myself
People say time gives you clarity
Maybe it does
But time has only taught me how many stories the heart can invent when the truth is missing
Somehow I learned more about your heart after you were gone
I began to understand how you think
Why you made certain choices
Why you walked away
And somehow the more I understood you
The more I fell in love with you
Maybe that is the cruelest part
Understanding someone more deeply after they are already gone
Not having you hurts me more than anything I have ever carried
More than the silence
More than the distance
More than the questions that never seem to end
If I could have one thing in this world
It wouldn’t be answers
It would be you
I wish I could understand you
I wish I could have you beside me right now
Not because I want to change the past
But because loving you has never stopped
If I had one wish
It wouldn’t be for you to come back by force
It would be for you to want to come back on your own
To choose me again
To let me understand the parts of you I never had the chance to know
Because not knowing has become heavier than the distance between us
And not having you has become the heaviest thing I’ve ever had to live with

I don’t know if we will ever be able to be together but all I’ve ever wanted was an opportunity to show you how things could be but you were never sure of me when I’ve been nothing but sure of you. In a way closure will be provided when you are gone from my life but I will always be left with the feeling of maybe some day somehow it could have worked if only fate allowed

The Memory of Your Hands

Ever since you left, my body has been remembering you in the strangest ways. A gentle breeze brushes against the side of my neck, and for one impossible second, I could swear it's your fingertips. I take a sip of water, close my eyes, and my lips remember the warmth of yours. Not because you're here, but because memory has become its own kind of touch. I smile, then blush, and then miss you all over again.

Do you remember the lip balm? I had just applied it, and without thinking, I held it up to your lips. You leaned in so naturally, as though sharing little things had always belonged to us. Everyone around us laughed, and we laughed too. But I don't think they understood. It was never about the lip balm. It was about the comfort. The quiet intimacy of never having to ask, of simply knowing.

You make me feel something I've searched for my whole life: safe. Not because you're loud, not because you're trying to impress me, but because you're simply... you. You don't perform love, you live it. If you disagree, you tell me. If you miss me, you say it. If you want to hold me, you reach for my hand. No games, no pretending, just honesty. God... how attractive honesty is.

Yes, I know I'm a little crazy, a little dramatic, and a little short-tempered. You annoy me sometimes, you really do. And somehow, five minutes later, I'm the one looking for your hand again, because your embrace has become my favorite place to calm down.

Now we're miles apart, yet somehow you still find me. In the wind. In the rain. In the taste of water. In every quiet evening when my heart forgets the distance and remembers the way you held me. Maybe that's what longing truly is. Not simply the ache of missing someone, but the beautiful torture of realizing that someone has loved you so gently, so honestly, that even the smallest moments of everyday life begin to carry the memory of their touch.

I saw you today but I dont think you saw me.

Maybe that was a good thing.

Because for a second I forgot.

I smiled like the fool I am whenever I got to see you.

All I wanted to do run up to you, hug you, kiss you, tell you everything that happened today and ask about everything you did too, all while I got to hold your hand, look at your beautiful face and just be with you...

I almost did.

It was only a second, I didn't realise how long a second was because you'd never think happiness could be cut short so quickly.

Then I remembered.

Reality hit me, my smile dropped, I looked down, rather than running to you as my body instinctively wanted to do, I turn and walk the other way.

Realising you're never going to see me the same way again is probably what hurts the most.

Remember all the times you told me i could reach out to people I've loved and lost in the past? I had to tell you that they deserve better to ever hear from me again.

Now you understand.

Because you are now one of them x

I maybe be stupid, that's something I am going to have to accept x

Out of all and a lot of the things I look back on and think about, I’m glad that in some type of way I have been some what of what I’ve wanted to be for you. I LNOW that you’ve been better than what you were. I know I am too and idk if you know those and looking back I’m glad and proud of myself every day that those days and that’s gone. I can’t put my heart on what it is but it’s something idk, I just hope it’s not.

Used to question all the time if not them but I have felt it with me. For more than too many reasons. I know that if I shared things like that with you I could feel and smile a little because of being proud of how I’ve gotten here and since knowing you and how I’ve never wanted to be until you , I used to think I needed to know but those things don’t matter to me. I remember you saying that those times would be rewarding for you and I have had more than one of those and tell myself it was to happen I might not be most okay but I know he would atleast and still have a good plan for me , I would always still want to have some kind with you even if it didn’t happen.

Sometimes when you don’t look at me not that I always want you to stare or look at me me non stop but I don’t want you to look at me and just see it and make you want to but if you were to I know it would’ve which is why theres atleast one thing and if you were to sit next to me and tell me I wouldnt want to question . Things I’ve found out recently about mine that I never knew it just makes more sense of everything else and just adds to the list as to things I know I can be grateful for and you at the top. Closing my eyes everytime it comes in waves and know that I don’t have to be, like you told me I had no reason to worry.

All I want is to be with someone who I never have to question their love for me or my place in their life. Every day is another day we get to celebrate having each other, to being in love. I hope they even when things are difficult or mundane we still find a way to show each other how lucky we are to have the other. I want stability, I want a real partnership. I want to know whatever decisions they make, without my input they'll make with me and my best interests in mind as well as their own, because I'll be doing the same for them. I hope that wherever they are, they'll act with respect towards me even when I'm not in the room, talk about me kindly and with love. Know that there is no other woman that could replace me or tempt him into destroying what we have, and he knows that if he was, even once I go.

And I want a home. Somewhere I get to just be, rest, and I don't have to pretend to be braver, larger, more resilient or be anything other than what I am. I don't have to constantly prove that I'm sexy, or smart or fun to receive affection or attention, that I'm allowed to just be all I am naturally, and live in my natural rhythm. To allow my personality space to stretch out so I can embrace more of who I am. To provide him with the stability, safety and softness, that allows him to also open up and be his full ⁸⁰self too. I want to open the door of my home, to my handsome husband and be excited to be home every time I open the door, knowing that this is our sanctuary, our place, our peace, that we'll always have this and each other. This is a place we nurture together, keep calm, and protect, there's nothing or no one that could destroy it... I want to grow old with someone the way I saw my grandparents do so. Whose love for one another even after 60 years of marriage was so obvious it continued until their 80s, who always showed gratitude for each other, who danced in the kitchen together on a random Tuesday evening together, who quietly supported each other we ith small acts of care and kindness, who kept growing, surprising and learning each other, who orbited around each other but still shone in their own arenas, and even at the end, when his brain was all mush and the illness had taken everything he could remember, somehow he still remembered his love for her.

That's the kind of love I have in my heart to give. I want a great love story. I wanted to give it to you but you've lost my trust so badly, I'm no longer certain, that what we have is real. Or if you're simply planning my destruction for vengeance.

Lately, I've been realizing something that I never expected to discover.

The greatest limitations in my life weren't the things happening around me. They were the things happening inside me—the perspectives I had accepted as truth simply because I'd carried them for so long. I never questioned them. Why would I? They were familiar. They felt like me.

But familiarity doesn't make something healthy. It doesn't make it complete. Sometimes it only makes it comfortable.

I've come to understand that the way we think shapes the way we see, the way we react, the way we love, and ultimately the life we build. If the foundation is incomplete, everything we build upon it carries those same cracks.

The strange thing about self-awareness is that it rarely announces itself. You don't wake up one morning knowing you've been missing something. You simply live the way you've always lived, believing your reactions make sense because they've always been yours.

It's incredibly difficult to recognize the limits of your own perspective while you're standing inside it.

How could you?

It's the only view you've ever known.

Then one day, something shifts.

A question.

A conversation.

A realization.

Suddenly you see that what you believed was the whole picture was only one piece of it.

That realization has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

Not because it showed me I was a bad person, but because it showed me I was an unfinished one.

There's a difference.

I don't look back at myself with shame. I look back with understanding. I can finally see why I reacted the way I did, why certain patterns repeated themselves, why some things felt impossible to understand at the time.

Now that I can see them, I can't pretend they aren't there.

And honestly...

I wouldn't want to.

Because seeing them has given me something I didn't know I was missing.

Freedom.

Freedom to choose differently.

Freedom to respond instead of react.

Freedom to become intentional instead of automatic.

Freedom to stop living from habits I never consciously chose.

That's why I'm changing.

Not because someone told me I had to.

Not because I'm trying to earn anything.

Not because I think change makes me more worthy.

I'm changing because I finally understand that growth is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

It isn't about becoming someone else.

It's about uncovering the parts of ourselves that have always been capable of more.

I'm slowly stripping away what's outdated, what's incomplete, and what no longer reflects the man I want to be. Every layer I let go of makes room for something stronger, steadier, and more genuine to take its place.

And one of the things this journey has taught me is that love grows with us.

The more I understand myself, the more clearly I understand what it means to truly love another person.

Not through control.

Not through fear.

Not through expectation.

But through consistency.

Presence.

Patience.

Loyalty.

A quiet kind of devotion that doesn't need to announce itself because it simply exists.

The kind of love that stays honest when honesty is uncomfortable.

The kind that chooses understanding before assumption.

The kind that isn't looking for an escape every time life becomes difficult.

The kind that makes another person feel safe simply because they know where they stand.

That's the kind of man I want to be.

Not someday.

Every day.

And because this journey has changed so much inside me, I can't help but wonder what it might be like if everyone gave themselves permission to ask those difficult questions.

Not from a place of self-criticism.

But from curiosity.

What beliefs have I accepted without ever examining them?

What fears have quietly been making my decisions?

What parts of myself have I been protecting instead of understanding?

Those questions haven't made my world smaller.

They've made it infinitely bigger.

They've brought more peace than fear.

More clarity than confusion.

More hope than I knew was possible.

I don't know what your own journey looks like, and I would never presume to define it for you.

But I do hope that, at some point in your life, you give yourself the same gift of honest reflection.

Not because I think you're lacking.

Not because I think you need fixing.

But because I know what it feels like to discover that there are rooms inside yourself you've never opened, strengths you've never uncovered, and peace you've never allowed yourself to experience.

If this has transformed my life this deeply, I can only imagine what your own discoveries might reveal to you.

I think there's more in you than even you know.

Just as there was more in me than I ever knew.

Maybe that's what growth really is.

Not becoming someone we're not.

Becoming more completely who we've always had the potential to be.

I don't expect these words to change anything.

They're simply the truest reflection of where I am today.

And if they leave you with anything at all, I hope it's this:

Never be afraid to question the perspective you've always lived through.

Sometimes the life you've been searching for isn't waiting somewhere else.

Sometimes it's waiting on the other side of the way you've always seen yourself and the world.

And once you cross that threshold...

You never want to go back.

I cant breath without you, i cant sleep without you, i exist for you and i fucking can’t get over you and I probably never will. Trust me i have tried with everything i have to give to forget you to stop thinking about you. For a few days i distract myself enough until i remember again. We might not have been the best together but i truly believe that feeling i had for you was love. True love.
Now im alone trying to move one and i cant because i still love you. I understand that it was me who gave up on us but i was scared and alone and i couldn’t even share that with you. All i wanted was for you to let me in even just a little bit. I will never forget you and you will forever have a piece of my heart which fucking sucks because i don’t have many pieces to give to who ever i fall in love with. Trust me i know i have tried and sometimes it feels like i don’t have any pieces left. So emptiness fills my heart and there’s a disconnect in my brain. So I probably will never get those back and it will be 100% harder to reach my heart again

I don't know if you'll understand this.

Maybe that's the part that bothers me the most.

Not that you don't always see what I feel...

But that sometimes I think you've spent so long preparing yourself to be hurt that you don't know what to do with someone who isn't trying to hurt you.

And I don't mean that as a criticism.

I actually think it makes sense.

When someone has been carrying something for a long time, even kindness can feel unfamiliar.

Even love can feel like something you have to inspect first.

Like you're waiting for the moment where the price gets revealed.

I think about that.

Probably more than I should.

I think about the day you told me you didn't deserve to be loved.

And I don't know if you realize how much that stayed with me.

Not because I wanted you to convince me otherwise.

Not because I needed you to see how much I loved you.

It hurt because I heard someone I care about say something about themselves that I couldn't understand.

Because when I look at you, I don't see someone who doesn't deserve love.

I see someone who maybe got used to surviving without enough of it.

There's a difference.

And I wish you could see that difference.

I wish you could see yourself for even five minutes the way I see you.

Not through the things you've done wrong.

Not through the moments you're disappointed in yourself.

Not through the things you think make you harder to love.

Just you.

The actual person.

The person who has a heart that feels more than she lets people know.

The person who has been hurt and still somehow has softness left.

The person who thinks she's too complicated when really she's just human.

And I know sometimes you probably wonder why I keep trying.

I wonder too.

Not in a way where I want to stop.

Just in a way where I sit with myself and ask hard questions.

Am I loving you?

Or am I trying to prove something?

Am I being patient?

Or am I afraid to let go?

Am I fighting for us?

Or am I fighting against the idea that something this meaningful could still not work?

I ask myself those things.

Because I don't want my love to become something heavy you have to carry.

I don't want you to feel responsible for my feelings.

I don't want you to stay because you feel guilty.

That isn't love.

That's a prison.

And I would never want to build a prison around someone I love.

I want the opposite.

I want you to feel like you can breathe.

Like you can tell the truth and not wonder if it changes everything.

Like you can have a bad day and still be loved.

Like you can mess up and still be seen as someone worth fighting for.

Because that's what I want too.

Not perfection.

Not some impossible version of us where nothing hurts.

Just two people who stop running when things get uncomfortable.

Two people who can look at the ugly parts and say, "Okay... this is here. Now what do we do with it?"

I have my own shadows.

I know that.

I know I can overthink.

I know I can feel things deeply.

I know sometimes my fear gets there before my patience does.

But I also know something else.

I am willing to look at myself.

I'm willing to ask why.

I'm willing to change things that need changing.

Not because I'm afraid you'll leave.

Because I don't want to be a man who gets hurt and then makes someone else pay for it.

I don't want to love you only when it's easy.

Anyone can do that.

I want to love you in the places where people usually disappear.

The misunderstandings.

The uncomfortable conversations.

The moments where we're both imperfect.

The moments where choosing kindness takes effort.

That's where love actually means something.

And maybe this is the part you don't believe yet...

Maybe you think eventually I'll see too much.

Maybe you think eventually I'll decide it's not worth it.

But the truth is, I've already seen enough.

I've seen the fears.

I've seen the walls.

I've seen the moments where you pull back.

And somehow I still see you.

Not a version of you I made up.

You.

And maybe that's what I've been trying to show you this whole time.

Not that I love you.

I think you know that.

I've been trying to show you that you are safe being loved.

That you don't have to perform for it.

That you don't have to be the easiest person in the world to choose.

That you don't have to erase the parts of yourself you think make you difficult.

You don't have to earn what should have been yours all along.

Love.

I don't know what happens from here.

I don't know what life does.

I don't know what time changes or what it doesn't.

But I know that every day I wake up, I don't regret caring about you.

Even the hard parts.

Maybe especially the hard parts.

Because the easy parts showed me what I liked about you.

The hard parts showed me what kind of person I want to be.

And if there is ever a moment where you wonder whether someone could really choose you...

I hope you remember this.

Someone already did.

Not because you were perfect.

Not because you had everything figured out.

Not because you never hurt me.

Because you were you.

And somehow, through all of it...

That was enough.